OK why is that everytime I think that I am on my way to finally dealing with the fact that my marriage is over - the fact that my ex is with the OW - Bam out of no where I hit this depression??? I mean ok lets face it - I don't want him - EVER - I would never trust him - frankly I think that they deserve each other - they both cheat, lie and whatever else.. But the simple fact is that my life basically bites and it is because of them.... They are the ones that ruined me - basically... And yet they have each other - and they got what they wanted - Yes I am getting over it all - and yes I want to move on - -- I was seeing someone but that turned out to be a disaster for some reason - I think that was because of my low self esteem that the first person who payed any attention to me - I thought was all I deserved... And I know that I deserve better... Why for some reason does this little piece of me - keep bringing me back down??? I don't want to be here - I don't like it here....

Maw,

Long time no talk... sorry you are feeling down.

I don't know what to tell you, but get out there and date some more, and to your level of requirements. Life can be better with someone who really is devoted to you, at least it looks that way to me.

I am very confused lately myself... filed for the Big D, dating someone who really is good to me, and guess what the STBX wants me back... but without the needed proof of change. So hard to decide to move on???

Hugs, H

Honey - Wow I have been wondering where the heck you have been??? Wow you filed for divorce and are even dating - good for you .... It is about time you took control of that situation...Good for you - Really I am very happy for you .. You deserve much better than how that man has treated you for so long... I hope to get out - but I just cannot seem to get myself out there... The thoughts of it - are quite frightening.... ugggg... I know I deserve better and hope to someday find it....

Maw, I’m so sorry for your unhappiness. If you are clinically depressed, you need help. And not just meds. My to-do list when I get depressed includes
1. Frantic posts on MB
2. Mass e-mails for help and sympathy and funny jokes
3. Calling everyone in my address book consecutively
4. Daydreaming revenge on former boyfriends who ditched me, and suddenly run into me and are dying to get me back, only to have me spurn them
5. Getting a very funny book and reading it
6. Playing loud music either dance music or the blues
7. Making plans to go out with girlfriends or inviting a new friend to do something.
8. Calling my shrink for an appointment.
9. Removing all sharp instruments from my house.
10. Remind myself that half the thoughts I have are not my thoughts but the Depression’s thoughts. I visualize Depression as being an alien inhabiting the back left spot of my head. I may even give it a name the next time it invades.

Of course, number 8 is pretty important, but so are 1, 2 and 3.

The following exercise should only be attempted if you are NOT clinically depressed. Make a tiny list of what doesn’t bite in your life. I know you can find one or two things. Add to them once a week. Concurrently, make a list of ways you can add happiness to your life. But don’t include men. Or having X and OW die the horrible deaths they deserve. Try to add something good, even if it’s enjoying a sunset, gazing at the stars, to your life once a week. In doing so, you’ll seize control over your life, and your life won’t bit and your X won’t have the power to make it bite.

But, as I said, only try this if you are NOT clinically depressed. If you are depressed, I find these activities actually make it worse. LOL. I mean, what’s wrong with me that I’m so lucky and yet feel so horrible and sad and out of focus and nuts and like I wish I could go live with God?

And accept that there is a season to everything. The trick seems to be recognizing what season you’re in, and doing what’s appropriate to that season. If you are in a season of mourning, it is not appropriate to date. Not because of conventions, but because of your spirit. You can no more force the mourning to stop than you can force winter to end early. Nor can you prevent the spring from coming or stop the time to sow and reap.

To everything turn turn turn. There is a season.

Greengables - that is quite a list - I don't think that I am clinically depressed - and actually have quite alot to be happy about - but for some reason - every once in awhile I let the two of them being together invade my brain and take it over for awhile - I am passed that tragic death thoughts - though I did have them... for them of course.. And yes I am on medication - but I guess it happens when I let my guard down and get along with ex - then he thinks that everything in my life is wonderful and starts actually pretending that he cares about my life - and it just gets me so sad - that I see at those times the person that he used to be - and that he thinks everything is ok with what he did to me... And then it just sort of takes me over.. thank you for your wonderful advice - I shall apply a few of those to my life... Thank you ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maw,

It definitely confuses me when hopefully stbx -if I don't back out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> is nice to me again. I think it is easier for them to be nice once we get on our feets b/c their guilt lessons.... at least I think so... or we are more attractive without our massive depression over the betrayal! However, they did what they did, and that does not change. Remember you cannot trust your X when he is kind to you, he is not the husband he once was... I have to remember that.

My ws called me up this weekend, and when i answered the phone he said.... - Hey Pretty.... Oh my Goodness!.... I have not heard that from him in 2 years!.. the man who always adored me for 18 yrs is suddenly interested b/c I am not his...! Control? Loss? I don't know what it is, but they want what they do not have, and this is a trait of a cheater! HUGS going out to you, this is SOOO hard, isn't it?

He is being nicer than he is in 2 years b/c there is wind of me dating via our kids to him, and the filing of the D shocked him.... right up to that he was sooooo mean it was insane. -Well you know that!

Anyway, I get filled with guilt that I should give him another chance, but I know I should not.
Then those marriage vows creep into my mind, and all the hurt and pain... believe me I am going through it too. In the midst of dating a sweet kind guy, I am filled with guilt for leaving a man who has abused me who I still love. ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Very hard to deal with.

Hugs, Honey

BTWay.... I practically cried my eyes out when I was taken out on the first date to a great dinner by a man who enjoyed taking me out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It is nice to be treated nice for a change,- let yourself enjoy life.

Honey - you sound so good - wow - I am really amazed and so happy for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... and you are right there --is no difference now except you have someone new - And I do think that it is easier for the ex when we are nice because it does ease their guilt that is why I think I start to see the old person - and I get a little sad or a little depressed if you will - But I hope to bounce back -- I am just going to deal with this myself - and not let him know that anything is wrong - in the past I would let him know that I was upset or ticked off - but not anymore - I am just going to work through this on my own...

((((((((((Maw64)))))))))))

I so... understand!! I feel the same way but like you I need to get past it. I know I'm better than I was before but not much better.

I feel everyone wants me to feel well that when I do have a setback they will say " What happened you we're doing so well last week?" I want to scream my H had an A that's what happened!

It seems it easier for them to see me better and handling everything. So I cry a lot by myself and tell everyone I'm fine. I can see the look in their face like "You have to move on and why aren't you past this" It's just best that I keep my feels to myself.

I do come here and my sister is someone I can be totally honest with but even she doesn't want to hear the same things over and over. I feel every one wants me to be happy and so don't I but I don't feel it.

My stbxh and I very rarely talk any more because when I talk to him I just get so depressed. He has moved on with his life and I feel stuck in my old life. I have definitly made strides in recovery but I started strong and I have slowed right down.

Hearing his voice just makes me so sad. I still think of him every day but I think I miss what was not what is. He crushed my spirit but I will get it back. I got a card in the mail from my niece on his side with photos and I just cried because he took so much away from me.

I know I could still have a relationship with his family but I can't because it hurts too much for now. I keep in touch with my nieces and nephews but not their parents. Their choice not mine! That hurts because I loved them all.

Sorry, Maw64 I'm not helping you at all am I? I'm thinking of you and your not alone.

What are you doing for the holidays?

LJ

lj1122 - Don't worry any little bit helps... But you know I am really ok with the fact that the marriage is over - and believe me I have so improved these last two years - this little bout of whatever it is - isn't a setback like before that I used to have all of the time and that I wanted to lash out at him for hurting me - and I was consumed with the thought of them being together - I am past that.. But I guess I am just down - because they have their life together and the casualty of that joining was my life -- and that is what hurts - that I don't have anyone and they have each other - I know it may be stupid and I know that by next week - heck I could not care again - but the feeling is here now - that is what I am trying to deal with.. As for the holidays - I am going to my sister's sister in laws for Thanksgiving - my ex is having the girls over the weekend - and for Christmas I always go to my sisters and my ex will have the girls - maybe on Christmas Eve - and the weekend after Christmas - but we haven't made any plans.... but he would never think of taking the girls from me on a holiday and frankly they wouldn't go with him anyways.... But - to finally accept and move on truly and be happy - is what I want - truly I do ... And these little setbacks are fewer and further in between... I have alot to be thankful for and believe me I am - just every now and then that sadness creeps back in - and I want to be able to stop it... A sure fire remedy I guess is what I need....

Maw64

You are doing so well and I hope to be where you are some day. You are right about being grateful for what we do have. I tend to hang on to what I miss and then miss the present. We all need reminders now and again.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

LJ

LJ - well you know it has been a struggle to get where I am now - and like I said it really took a good two years - and now I don't cry just every now and then I get sad - sad because they took away mylife yet they have each other - and I have no one - and to really compound the situation the lady lives right next door to me - no he doesn't go over there - but I know when she is at his house all night so it is a constant reminder - one that like now really tends to get to me - but I will get through and I shall find happiness - as you will too - I think it is ok to miss things - what ifs, the what has been - it is just that we cannot let it control our lives - we must learn to live...