Well I haven't been around for awhile because my wife(WS) filed for divorce on me back in August. There really has been little to no talk contact between the two of us. I had to get an attorney to protect myself and right now everything paper wise from both sides is in the court system at the moment.
I wish I could say I have 100% moved on and all but in all honesty I haven't. I have done my best and trying to move forward and I just take things day by day. I got the following email from my wife(WS). She called the other night but I wasn't around to answer the phone. She sent me this email and I don't know how to take this. Is this someone who is showing small signs of coming out of the fog? Or is this someone who is just human for once? The part that throws me off is the fact she says she is so sorry and all but at the same time points out she is sticking with her decision. Any thoughts on what she wrote below? I can really care less at this point if I use our real names or not. I can't hide my divorce for ever..

-----
Neil ~ I am very sorry for the phone calls you received from me Sunday night. I feel awful for not returning your call nor following up with an
email until now, but I have been living, breathing and doing nothing but work now. I have received a promotion and am now attempting to slowly transition out of my old role into the new one. Reason for my call on Sunday... I don't want to make up stupid excuses or reasons, but I did have a few glasses of wine and started feeling emotional about how badly things
are rolling out now. I am confident with my decision to follow through with the divorce, but am struggling to find a way to make you understand how badly I truly do feel for everything that you've had to go through in the
past two years. Again, I'm sorry for the call. It was inappropriate and I'll refrain from doing that again. Sorry, I honestly don't mean to in any way add salt to the wound.
Take care of yourself.
Tea

confused Guy (Neil) - - sorry you're going through this divorce. Believe me, I understand your feelings as my WH asked me for a divorce 5 weeks ago and we are also waiting on the final agreement. I was in plan A for 9 months and when he confessed he never left OW, I went to Plan B - 2 weeks later, he left me and our girls for this OW and her child. He hasn't seen the girls since and I've seen him 2 x's due to financial reasons/attorney meetings. My opinion: it sounds like she still wants the divorce, her email didn't sound too apologetic or convincing; not enough for me anyways. I strongly support anyone who wishes to save their marriage, I tried for 13 months and it didn't work (so far). I have chosen to move forward with my life with or without him as I refused to live in limbo land - its his loss ! Since I've made this decision, I have been much happier, less stressed out, confident and my self esteem has returned. I will not allow this man to treat me with disrespect or talk with me in a cruel manner - its over with him. If he changes his attitude, becomes loving again tc... I may try to be friends with him for the sake of our daughters.. Until then, he can suffer the consequences of his actions. I will take care of our girls and find someone (someday) that will love me, appreciate me and respect me again - because that's what all of us deserve! Don't forget that! Live your life for you now, not her. I believe there is always a chance in the future for reconciliation between divorced spouses - if its meant to happen it will, if not, you will then have a new direction in your life. Try to move on, though it hurts like hell, be good to yourself and be around family and friends that will love and suport you! I'm proof that you can feel better; it will take alot of time, effort and strong will on your part. - I've been in counseling for 13 months, and now on Prozac to help me go through this divorce and of course, the holidays! But I'm doing much better than I thought, mainly because I have a positive attitude about life. Remember: When One Door closes, Another Door Opens... I'll keep you in prayer! Take care of yourself and post again if you need to!

VictoriaLynn

Hi,

Your WW may "sound"sincere in the letter about how truly sorry she is but try not to read too much into it.Discard the e-mail and let it alone.

She may have had a brief moment of alcohol induced humanity and caring to write the letter but it obviously wasn't leading to anything more.I don't really think it is a fog she is in still after 2 years but she has made her decision.

It takes a great deal of time to heal from this trauma and I would venture to say that we BS need a long time to be solo and try to find our way after a divorce.I don't like to read about people rushing right back out into another relationship.You should take some time to find *yourself and do what feels good,if anything does.See friends,family do activities that you may enjoy.

I am not going through a divorce myself,yet,but I really feel that you do need to take it day by day until it feels easier.Your WW will just have to live with the fact that you may never completely understand her actions and the pain she caused and be sympathetic to what she is feeling.It isn't your job to figure her feelings out anymore.Ugh,I know it must be hard for you.

Take care.

October

She doesn't sound sorry. I got those kind of emails too. Early on in the d process from jethro.

Coming out of fog would be something like "I couldn't believe I DID THAT AND AM ASHAMED OF WHAT I DID." Not what is happening right now with us..

Not to pull a Dr. Phil here, but she doesn't claim ownership of any of it...the real reason for the divorce...at all. She just justifies that it's the right thing to do. One thing is for sure though. Sometimes she may not sleep well at night. Their conscience may get heavy at times and that's when they dull it. WS are good at this part. I on the other hand couldn't live with myself if I did 1/10th of what my xh did to me.

Let her stew in her depression for as long as it takes and take the focus off of her or what she's doing or thinking. Nobody will ever know. Their brains are a bit too foggy to analyze.

cg:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the first time your STBXW has EVER shown you even the slightest concern for your feelings because of her behavior?

I would tend 2 agree, though, that you should do nothing 2 change the course of the DV at this point. Maybe she'll want 2 reconcile someday, maybe not. In the end, it's going 2 be at least 50% up 2 you whether you'd want 2 go through the pain of rebuilding trust and love after all you've been through, assuming this were 2 happen.

You sound better than when I last heard from you, but maybe you still have a ways 2 go 2 recover personally from your experience.

I hope that hope4future sees this thread and chimes in. She can read these WSs a whole herd better than I can.

best regards,
-2long

I would agree, that she is induced by alcohol, and she is justifying her actions, not really saying that she is sorry, so I would take what she said, and continue on with what you feel in your heart. God hates divorce, and I am divorced, and God doesn't like what we did. But we both have to move on. You could pray for the two of you. I really don't think she is sorry.

Well, I can only see things from my own perspective. I remember apologizing many times...although they were rather empty apologies. I was telling my husband I was sorry, yet I was still plenty foggy enough to justify everything. I'm sure she truly IS sorry...but it's doubtful she's clear enough to see the MAJOR part she played in all of this.

I agree with the other posters. I would ignore the message for now. If she's really beginning to feel things with any depth, she'll press the issue in order to try to get forgiveness. I'd let her squirm on it a while. To forgive too early wouldn't be doing her any favors.

Welcome back to MB cg.

I'd say, like several others have said, to not give to much thought to the email. I'd also say that she definitely is still commited to a divorce and moving on without you. Her apology may just be an attempt to assuage her guilt.

I just got an insincere sounding apology from my H in a voicemail (see my thread), and I don't really buy it either. I think it's lipservice. I'm at the point where I am just accepting that divorce is inevitable and trying to move on with my life, even though my idiotic heart still has some feelings left for my H.

I'd say take care, look after yourself, and focus on living for the moment and the future, without your W in your life. (That advice is easier to give than to follow though, I know first hand.)

Jen

I think if I were to sum up the e-mail, It could be re-written as this
"Please forgive me so I don't feel guilty"

Hi Confused_Guy,

I am not sure if you remember me, but our situations are very similar and I posted a bit in 2001/2002.

I really don't have much to say about your WS's call- but listen to what the others say and take it for what it is worth.

I just wanted to send you a quick hello and hope you are continuing to grow. I am still in limbo with my WS but we are getting closer to divorce. I have actually asked him to file (why should I file when it is not what I want-I refuse to do the dirty work). However, I have also decided that if he doesn't act this month then I will. I need closure.

I have grown so much over these past two years and am in a much better place now than two years ago. I still have bad days though (today is one of them). I stay away from the boards typically, but tend to gravitate towards them when I am feeling bad.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. Be strong and come here for support when you need it.

AS