Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#761713 12/08/03 09:26 AM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
Hello all...this is my first time posting and I'm sorry, but it is probably going to be a long one.

Here is the situation so far: 4 months ago, the evening after a wonderful day with the wife, kids and inlaws, my wife springs on me "I want you to move out of the house...you have until Friday or I'm going to ger the police to put you out." The reasoning for this, as petty as it may seem is she doesn't like it that I expect her to stay at home and do housework on her days off just as she expects me to do on my days off. I moved out and slept on a friend's couch for 6 weeks. This is when she files for divorce. So, now I am living in my parent's basement (just a bed and a bureau stuck in amongst all the clutter) and she has had a new boyfriend for at least a month. My kids (boys, ages 8 and 10) inform me that she met him on the internet and they go out together when I take the kids out like on Sunday afternoons. We are in the divorce process even though this isn't what I wanted to happen. I suggested counselling but she insisted we divorce. I see my kids for an hour Wednesday evening, Thursday evening and Sunday noon to 7pm. I can't afford an apartment so the kids could come over for the weekend and there isn't any place for them at my parent's house.

So, now I feel angry, hurt, resentful especially about her boyfriend. In a small way, I feel relieved to be out from under her. In no way do I feel happy. (by the way, I am in individual counselling)

What should I feel? Should I be angry at her having a boyfriend, should I be happy that she is getting some positive interreaction with someone? We are "technically" still married. What should I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This is the only website that seems to be more than just spouse-bashing.

ANY replies to this would be appreciated. I feel like I am just rambling, but I don't know what to say to express what I feel right now.

Thanks for your responses.

Roger

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
Hi just_roger,

Well I'm sorry that you had to come here and now be part of the circle.

It's obvious,at least to me,that the sudden urgency to have you out is because your wife may have been having an affair.You just may not have known about it.

Have you questioned your wife about this? Have you read all the concepts here on MB? What have you been doing the last 4 months? There is a divorce busting page that some of the regulars have here like TMCM(toomuchcoffeeman).Have you taken some time to read the posts here? What are your stats(i.e. marriage length,ages,etc)

October

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
Octobergirl,

I don't honestly think she has been having an affair for all this time, I think my kids would have said something sooner. I haven't talked to her about this or spoken to her since my kids told me about her boyfriend.

I haven't read any of the concepts about MB, I don't know where to start.

For the last 4 months, I have been reacting to the coming divorce. I have been very sad, angry and upset but I haven't talked to her about it. She doesn't want to talk to me other than when it relates to the kids or collecting her child support.

I have no idea how I am supposed to support myself when this divorce goes through. I am sure I am going to be stuck with a lot of her debt as it will be ruled "marrital debt" even though it is all in her name and her purchases. This is according to my lawyer. So, given all the circumstances, I am going to have about $600 per month to live on, not including $100 per month for medication. I have only a cell phone bill, car insurance, medical bills and travel expenses to deal with along with taking the kids out to dinner every Sunday. I figure that will leave me about $350 to find an apartment, furnish it, heat it, buy groceries and pay for the utilities. Does anyone believe that I can do that? Where do I go for help? I don't qualify for any assistance because of my income ($25k) but I have to pay the taxes on that income, have to give her almost half of my take-home pay, and pay for her debt. She qualifies for everything, foodstamps, fuel assistance, town assistance, etc. and with my child support payment, she has almost twice my net pay to work with.

Just what the heck am I supposed to do?

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
just_roger
I agree with Octobergirl. Start by reading the basic concepts o the MB website. It sounds to me like you may already be in what's known as plan B so do some looking into that as well. For now you should try to focus on you and the kids. If W wants no contact with you, give her what she wants. You need to decide what you want before anything.
Are you hoping to save M?

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
WishIWereHome,

At this point, I don't want to repair the marriage. She has ruined it by going out and having sex with another man and this is something I can't tolerate. Trying to rebuild this marriage would be like the sound of one hand clapping. I would be doing all the work as I have been in the past while she just laughs about me behind my back with her mother and sister.

Things were going great with our marriage until she started speaking with her mother and sister. (Wife was on the outs and I never met them until 5 years into the marriage) Reconcilliation happened and she started placing her mother and sister over me. It got to the point that in her order of importance it went: Kids, Mother and Sister, Friend, Everyone else in the world, and then me. She admits this is the case and she is not the least bit sorry about it. She knows if I am gone, she will still have her mother and sister to be with and NOW she has another man.

I am just devistated by all this and was willing to put up with my position in the relationship until the other man factor came into play. I can't sleep at night some nights because I run scenarios through my head like all the things that are going to happen in the divorce, things that I could have done to make things better for her, and sometimes I can't get her and this other man out of my head. It is driving me mad. Other times, I can forget all about everything and enjoy the moment. These times last but for a few minutes and then the hammer of everything drops on my head and I am suddenly devistated again.

It is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster and it is making me sick. My Dr. gave me a prescription to help me go to sleep when my mind is racing but I can't afford to get it filled. It isn't as important as everything else and especially not as important to the regimine of antidepressants and antipsychotic that I am taking. I have been suicidal for months now and am only hanging on by a thread. I don't know how much more pressure I can handle but I know I have to try. I talk about this in great length with my counsellor and I have the number for the crisis hotline in my wallet so I will always have it with me.

There is so much I would like to say but I can't get the words out and I can't let it all out at once. Thank you for your support. It means alot to me.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
Read below.

BEFORE you make any decisions, stop & sit on it for a few days.
Take deep breath.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
Hi again JR,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.I didn't know you were suicidal and having financial problems to boot.

Do you think your lawyer is doing a fair job so far? Are your parents helping out in any other way besides the basement deal? Are they supportive of you staying there?

Do you have any idea why she wanted to leave so abruptly? If she is he** bent on moving on without you,there may not be too much you can do but focus on yourself.Keep coming back here to post your thoughts.We are here for you,just to listen and hopefully give some good advice.

Try to be as cordial as you can now to your wife.At this point,if you react to her in a negative way,she will keeps those mental doors closed/slammed on you but if she thinks you are "coming to terms" with things by your appearance and your demeanor toward her,she may open up and allow you to talk to her in a way that may be helpful including stalling on the divorce.Take the time you have when exchanging the kids to show her that and talk to her ina non confrontational way.

Like WishIwereHome said,take this time to focus more on helping yourself and get as many support people around you as you can to help you,even just to make you a meal or to talk.

Pour yourself into the children,hug them and be with them.Keep yourself busy,it may be hard but if you are actively doing something,sometimes it can take your mind of the seriousness of what you are going through,if only for a few moments.

Keep us posted.

O

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 48
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 48
"What should I feel? Should I be angry at her having a boyfriend, should I be happy that she is getting some positive interreaction with someone?"

We can't tell you what to feel, man. All we can do is enable you to reach those conclusions on your own. I see myself as an 'ENABLER' as I reply to you here, not an 'answer man.' You feel me?

That said, I'll attempt to put some substance around your questions given my experience.

SHould you be happy she's getting positive interaction with another dude? You don't even know this guy or what they are doing. They could be doing the nasty every time they get together, even if she's telling you different.

My wife was telling me that her and this guy were just friends and then I found an email where she told him he was the best she had ever had.

Take THAT to sleep with you at night. Talk about SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT

But that is the reality you're dealing with now. So don't trick yourself into thinking you should somehow be celebrating the fact that your wife and mother of your children is potentially have intercourse with another man.

Should you be angry at her? Depends. What's YOUR part in all of this? Have you neglected this woman? Were you an [censored]? Did you fail to communicate? DId you sit around and scratch yourself and watch football all day long and expect her to do everything? If you can answer these questions or questions like them "yes," then perhaps you ought to direct your anger elsewhere... like into the mirror.

Tell us more about your behavior in this marriage and early warning signs you might have seen. Let's talk about YOU for a bit, not her.

<small>[ December 08, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: HighRize ]</small>

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell us more about your behavior in this marriage and early warning signs you might have seen. Let's talk about YOU for a bit, not her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, lets talk about you. Not just your behavior in the marriage, but also about what you are doing to make yourself a better person.
For me it took little things like growing a mustache. W always hated it so I grew it back and said to myself" I did this because I wanted to"
A little bit of self esteem can go a long way. Do something that makes you feel good about you and while you feel good about yourself, Go out and do something that you can have fun doing. This type of thing helped me to realize that I have my own identity and I am going to make it something that I like.
Don't sit around feeling sorry for youself and trying to find ways to change her.

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
J
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8
Thanks for all the help.

I can say I am definitely in Plan B mode. As much as I would have liked to reconcile, I can't do anything while the other man is around. When I talk to her, I always speak calmly and rationally, never getting emotional about it. I know this gets to her because she tries so hard to get me angry or upset with the things she says and does. She definitely doesn't want me to be happy. Our past relationship wasn't very good, especially over the last few years. Most of our time together, she sat at the computer with her back to me chatting with her mother and sister (and Lord knows who else). I sat on the couch watching TV. As many times as I tried to get into what she was doing so we would have something to share, she always left me out of the conversations, even when she was sitting right next to me at the other computer. I lost interest and tried to get her away from the computer and maybe snuggle up with me and watch tv. She would rather chat with her mother and sister. I should create a new word for them as they are inseparable when it comes to my wife. So many times she decided to take her day off on the weekend and spend it with her mother and sister shopping, I should have had a clue that this divorce was going to happen. Even when we had a Friday night off, we would spend it at her mother's house (of course her sister was there). For years she didn't want to spend time just with me. I took to doing the housework on the weekends for something to do and it became an obsession. I wouldn't take time off from it until it was all done, then I would go out with her and the kids if they were still around. It was "She's about having fun, I'm about gettin' it done." So, I can't say that I was a model husband by any stretch of the imagination but in my defense, I never raised my voice to her or struck her or even fought with her. I think we had maybe 5 fights in the 15 years we were married even though we quarreled about her going out. She always did whatever she wanted to and I can tell you it was NEVER what I wanted to do.

I guess I should just try to start feeling better about myself and the whole situation. I know this is for the better but it still stabs at my heart to be separated from her and for her to be seeing another man. I signed on for life and was willing to go on while never enjoying life. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together. She would have no part of that. She made up her mind (backed up by her mother and sister) that this is what she wanted and there was no talking her out of it or trying to reconcile with her. I'm starting to realize there is nothing I can do to stop the train so maybe I should just get on board with it. I hope my negative emotions diminish quickly, I can't hang on forever with things only getting worse. I think I should just try to get into a new mind set. Maybe I should start going out, alone, and begin re-defining myself. Finding out what I enjoy. Maybe I will give that a try and see what happens.

Thanks for your help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She always did whatever she wanted to and I can tell you it was NEVER what I wanted to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like now you can do what you wanted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She always did whatever she wanted to and I can tell you it was NEVER what I wanted to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may be amazed at the effects that this can have.
You may want to check out this thread started by T00MuchCoffeeMan

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000476

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
I can say I am definitely in Plan B mode.
If you didn’t send a Plan B letter then you are not in Plan B. You are simply ignoring her and this will do no good.

She definitely doesn't want me to be happy.
She wants you to be upset so she doesn’t have to feel so much guilt.

I signed on for life
So why are you giving up so easily?

I'm starting to realize there is nothing I can do to stop the train so maybe I should just get on board with it.
There is plenty you can do but why would you want to get on an out of control train?

I hope my negative emotions diminish quickly
Feelings don’t simply go away.

I can’t hang on forever
What’s “forever”?

Maybe I should start going out, alone
Perhaps, but you should DEFINITELY NOT be seeking or even be open to another relationship until this one is settled else you are only going to open a BIG can of moldy worms.

<small>[ December 08, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 154
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 154
I would suggest getting another legal opinion as to what your options are in this situation. My advice is to find a divorce lawyer who is considered to be the best. Get in touch with some court stenographers. They know which lawyer wins the most cases. It may cost a little more money but you will save in the long run. Find out what your rights. If you can move back into your home I would do so.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 48 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,790
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5