Dear MBs in the Divorce forum:

this is my first post here after I had started out in the Infidelity-Just found out in July 2002, then posted in the recovery forum. My H had an A that lasted about two months with a woman he met through his work. It was during a time where he was in MLC/deep depression. He started IC immediately after d-day and wanted to rebuild our M. He said he never loved OW, she just made him feel "alive" during his depression.

I wanted to leave him on d-day, but stayed because of the children. Then I saw the positive changes in him and found my love for him again. Three weeks ago I felt I had truly forgiven him for his A. So while I was making big progress recently in recovery, he drifted back into another episode of deep depression. First it was two work related problems, but now those problems are solved and he is behaving even worse.

We are back in the same horrible situation like during the time of his A. It is imposssible to talk to him, he is like a wall. Withdrawn and moody. Extremely egoistic. He casts me as the bad guy...nothing I do reaches him.

Honestly I have had enough of this man. There was physical violence in three fights about his A. He has an anger problem that he tried to work on in weekly IC sessions for the past 18 months. He begged me to stay with him and he would change.

Now it is all back to square one. When did you know that you had tried long enough and it was time to divorce? How did you reach a decision like that? A decision that changes your life so completely? Who did you talk to?

Please tell me how you made this decision...

Liza, you will KNOW when it's time.

My xH left in Jan 2003. It took me a few months before I actually filed. I remember asking this same question.. no knowing. BUT when it became time, there was no question in mind.

In my case my xH took all of the money out of our joint account. I realized I needed to protect myself (child support..etc).

Usually you get to a point where you know you can't take it anymore.

How long do you want to enable this situation?

Until he kills you?

Sorry to be so blunt but I think you are looking for a miricle.

God helps those who help themselves.

Been there done that.

Time for plan B.

Aly

Dear Iceprincess,

The closest thing that comes to mind is what So Hurt said "you will KNOW when it's time."

I wasn't looking for answers or reasons to get a D, God suddenly revealed it to me at once. I had been trying to reconcile for 3+ months when the big picture hit me and I came to certain realizations and understanding.

I made the decision with a heavy heart and some reluctance.

I talked to God first and foremost. Then I talked to a lot of friends/family and I talked to my church's counselor before the decision came to make the life changing decision.

When she told me she was perfect in every way and that the entire mess was MY fault, as she could do no wrong. Our pastor (Marriage Counselor) agreed with her. Every single thing I said or did was just wrong. She was always right. She never made mistakes. I made them all the time... see where this is leading?
I knew better than to just take that BS laying down.
3 months later, she was engaged to her OM and I moved out on my own.
Another 3 months after that, we were Divorced...
She married her OM 5 months after that.
Actions do speak louder than words.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

It is so strange. Some days my H and I fight and hate each other. Then other days we have peace and happiness.

When I think of him it can go two ways. Either I see him how he was during the time of his A and I have so much resentment for his actions. Then -on the other hand- at times I think about what enormous efforts he has made to rebuild our marriage.

I am very ambivalent in my feelings towards him. Absolutely negative resentment at times and then at other times hope and love.

That was why I asked for your experiences. At times I want to leave but at other times I feel I have to continue as long as there is love.

Thank you again. And all the best for you...

"Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them" by Paul Hegstrom was an eyeopener for me.

When I saw my son talking to his sisters the way the ex talked to me..... When I saw kids punching holes in the walls like the ex...... when the kids talked to me the way the ex talked to me....the way the kids would bitterly complain about meals that weren't what *they* wanted.

Honestly .... it boiled down to the kids. The whole divorce process started because of them. Because I didn't want them to be just like the ex -- abusive, mean, controlling, ignorant, rude..... The ex also begged and pleaded. I left it in his hands. He chose a counsellor, which he walked out of in the second session we had. He didn't like hearing what she had to say -- he left. I stayed and continued on to become a healthy person, courageous enough to leave and strong enough to survive.

I now know that TWO people work on a relationship. For years it was me. Me working through problems, me working through parenting issues, me sitting by myself with the kids when they were sick -- I was a single parent already in my relationship, only difference was I had this man come around once in a while to tell me how wrong I was, how badly I did things, how awful I cooked, cleaned, wore my hair, talked, and the list goes on.

I am sad that my family has been ripped apart, I am sad the kids are being used by their father (5 years later) -- but I do not regret leaving the abuse. Peace is a wonderful thing.