Hello all. This is my first post on MB.com and I was surprised to find a UBB dealing with marriage.<p>
Anyways, I am 26/m and my girlfriend is 24/f. I am going to ask her to marry me. However, I don't know at what point to ask her parents respects. Do I confront her dad and mom before I propose? Or after I propose, does my fiance and I confront her parents? I am obviously new to marriage. I didn't want to ask anyone I know, because then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.<p>Thanks in advance.<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Digitalcandy ]</p>

First of all, let me say how "refreshing" it is to see a man who shows respect and honor to your girlfriend's parents. That's too cool.<p>I would suggest that you ask the parents first, in private (and ask them to keep it private). That way if (for any strange reason) they object, you don't get your girlfriend's hope up and or make her choose between you and her family. <p>Is there any reason to think that THEY won't think this is a good idea? If they say no, what would you do then?<p>If they say yes, try to ask your girlfriend as soon afterwords as possible. That way they won't have to hold the secret for too long...I don't think parents would be too good at that!! HA!<p>Good luck and let us know the outcome. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Thanks for the comment. I have been with her for about 1 year. They will say yes, but I feel I owe them the respect to ask for their blessing. <p>
I am just looking for opinions on asking before I propose or afterwards. I know what your saying about asking them first and then proposing really quick, maybe the following weekend or something. They would be acting strange around her and I don't want her to know anything.<p>
However, this brings up another question. If I ask the parents first, won't it give her a reason to be somewhat upset later. I mean afterall, I am marrying her not her parents. Maybe I should ask her first and then immediately, (next day or something), the both of us should approach her parents and ask for their blessing on our marriage?

Well, if you're sure they and her will say "yes," then maybe a scenario something like this would work:<p>Invite her and her parents out to a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant. While waiting for dessert,start getting down on that knee...at the same time saying "With your blessing/permission, 'Bob & Phyllis,' I'd like to ask your beautiful daughter to be my wife." (on your knee now, opening the ring box....)<p>Then look expectently at them while they answer and then gaze lovingly at your girlfriend as she answers! (hopefully with a yes!)<p>Would that work? I think asking her parents will be taken as a honorable sign from her. And if you do it something like this, the "asking first, asking second" question shouldn't arise. Then you all can sit there together to celebrate over dessert and who knows....maybe her Dad will spring for champagne!! <p>Good luck...I'm so excited for you! And it sounds like your girlfriend is getting a good one!! <p>Aloha,
Ms.O<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

Here's my experience...from a female point of view. I met my future husband on a blind date when I was 21 and he was 22. Four and a half months later, we were engaged. I had NO IDEA he was going to ask me, even though we had talked about marriage. My first question to him, before I even said "yes" was, "Did you ask my Dad?" As soon as I knew he had and my Dad had given his blessing, I could whole-heartedly say YES. I had previously dated another guy for several years and my parents had never approved, and to me it was so important that my Dad approved of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Call me old fashioned...three and half short years later we're still happily married and my husband has an excellent relationship with my dad.
By the way, my husband asked my dad for permission to marry me about a week before he proposed. I think this is a long enough time to keep a secret. Also, I wasn't living at home so it helped, otherwise I know my Dad would have been crying every time he looked at me.
Good luck, let us know how it goes! Marriage is so wonderful!!!

So far the general rule of thumb is to ask the parents first.

Just one more vote for asking first. When I asked her parents for permission to marry their daughter. They did not say yes. Infact they discouraged me from doing so. We had been having some problems and they still could see that we had some work to do. I respected their wishes. We did indeed have to work out some hurts from a break-up before we were ready to marry. I asked her to marry me about 6 months later. I had the ring all that time. I did not go back to her parents this time. In retrospect I wish I had. We have been married 23 years now and i wouldn't change a thing!<p>Congratulations!

The consensus seems to be asking first. However, I have this small problem. Her parents don't speak much English. They are from Mexico. I don't know much spanish so you can see a problem. She has two siblings, a 13 year old sister and 10 year old brother. Both speak English and Spanish very well. If I ask first, I may have to have the sister translate for me. That would be scary because I am not sure how long a 13 year old girl can keep a secret. Keep in mind, they all live in the same house.

All the more reason to do the asking...from them as well as her....at the same time, like at a dinner. <p>How 'bout this? Get someone to teach you in Spanish the exact phrase for "may I have your blessing to marry your daughter?" (not the brother or sister). WOW! I think they'd be impressed! And your girlfriend too....<p>Or if you do it at a dinner with her whole family there, one of the kids could translate right on the spot for you.<p>I'm sure you can find a creative way to do this....good luck!!<p>When are you thinking about doing this?<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Ms. O, I think I am going to do it over dinner with her family there. I will take them all out to a resturaunt and do it there. I need to make dinner plans and buy the engagement ring. That is the only thing holding me back.<p>Thanks for your confidence. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 01, 2001: Message edited by: Digitalcandy ]</p>

Ooooooohhhhh!!!! I can't wait to hear what happens....<p>Best wishes for you and her....sounds like you are off to a great start!<p>Aloha,
Ms.O
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I think learning to say in Spanish the words you want to use would more than thrill the family. It's such a wonderful idea.<p>And I think having the ring already bought is romantic, also.<p>However, I have a creative soul and have always seen myself as an individual who played pretty much by the rules but could find all the loopholes - not that I would always utilize them to penalize others. <p>Personally, if I am going to wear a piece of jewelry for the rest of my life, I would like to have some say in picking it out. My x and I picked out our wedding bands first. And the same engagement ring all my friends had would not have worked with it. So, I wanted/needed something slightly different. So, you need to consider her preferences in selecting a piece of jewelry she will wear for the rest of her life. <p>The man I married and I shopped for engagement rings and fell in love with the wedding bands so we looked at engagement rings together but he did the selecting and the time, location, and manner in which he presented it to me were all a surprise.<p>But these are just my ramblings and opinions.<p>Now, I would like to say that I can tell you will be facing some major cultural differences in your marriage. And lots of problems in marriage come from family-of-origin issues. I would recommend extensive counseling before the marriage. Counseling which involves learning about each others family of origin. And childhood experiences. How you each see your own parents' relationships. Stuff like that. Actually, I think that is needed for all couples but that, in this case, with your seemingly major cultural differences, I would really like to see it.

I thought I would let you all know...She said yes. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Details!!!!
We want details!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

WOOOO HOOOOOO tell tell tell [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>and OMG congrats!!!!