I come to this website in desperation for answers or advice on whether to, once again, try to save my marriage or just call it quits. I have been married for ten years, have three children 16,14,9. The oldest two are from a previous relationship, the youngest from this marriage. My husband has been physically and verbally abusive to my children along with emotionally abusive to me throughout our entire marriage. I understand, from counseling, that I allowed this to happen through my weaknesses and co-dependant behaviors. But, in April, 2003 I took a stand..gained a voice and left my husband. As I started this new life with the goal of healing my children's wounds and making their lives healthier and safe, I find that the oldest two have no respect for me, live by their own rules and are making life hell.To sum it up. This "endeavor to make their lives better" has failed.My youngest daughter is starting to pick up on their behaviors. Also, as I am dealing with situations my kids bring into the home, I find a friend that I can console in. But, soon I find that he has all the qualities I've ever wanted in a man. Gentleness, A good father, warm, caring, and we fall in love. NOW,I am still married. Feel I don't love my husband. In love with someone else. Living alone with uncontrollable kids. Husband is trying desperately to reconcile the marriage.But, I have now cheated....and feeling very guilty about everyone I have hurt, will hurt. Should I end this outside relationship and work on my marriage(my husband vows to never hit the kids or call them names again, is in counseling and agrees to parenting classes. But,doesn't understand/accept why we're separated) OR should I divorce and try to make a new life with a man I know will never hit my children, treats me like a queen, and is the most gentle man i've ever known? Please give me your opinion.

what a mess for sure. You left your H for good reasons, but allowed someone else to be good to you....it is human not to want to lose that.. BUT and always a but..

1. You don't know this man well enough to be sure of the things you say. It is not unusual for people to act in desireable ways when a relationship is forming...I suspect your H did too, even your first H...it is what people do. It would not be unusual at all to find after time that this individual has other traits, that when married to him are controlling and or selfish. Rescuing (which is what you are letting him do) is a time honored relationship strategem...both for the knight and the damsel...but it is a co-dependent relationship. I don't know what yours is, but neither do you...you can't know...not enough time, and not free circumstances....btw, is he married, or in a relationship? If not, why not?

2. I am not optimistic re your H though. Abusive people rarely change...they just cycle and keep pulling you back, then revert to neglect/abuse. However, if you still feel he is worthy, then for your d sake you should give it a chance (with very firm dealbreaker boundaries). That requires a lot of study, introspection, and effort. You cannot do it if trying to maintain a relationship with om.

3. If om is worthy, he will freely let you go, and should you find yourself available someday, then you can look him up......if he won't let you go, keeps pursuing you, then you know he is unworthy, and only wants what he wants for himself, that would be good to know to.

4. Regardless of how this turns out, if you divorce, do not marry anyone for at least 1 year, 2 would be better...takes that long to get your head straight.

5. Doing the work you need to do within the context of giving your H the chance he requests is also very good self-development for you, so that is a plus also.

As for kids, tough road, all you can do is be firm, set boundaries, and use outside resources if violated...you are the boss, the parent...if son gets too far out of hand...is living with his dad an option? Other relatives? Maybe even foster care if gets out of control. You cannot back down, that would be worse of all.

Read this site, don't panic, your life will be ok as long as you do the proper work, regardless of what the particular outcome is...don't be in a hurry.

Sufdb gives you good advice.

I most certainly do not think you should end your M by basing what you think to be a great relationship on.

Be careful as to what you might be basing your decision to file for a D on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I end this outside relationship and work on my marriage? OR should I divorce and try to make a new life with a man I know will never hit my children, treats me like a queen, and is the most gentle man i've ever known? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the man you're involved with truly Loves you, he would be willing to wait out you trying to fix your M first.

TRTTD?

Like sufdb said. You left the marriage for a good reason. Without some major therapy and a long demonstration of changed behavior, I doubt that your H is safe to go back to.

You are between a rock and a hard place. I can't add much more to the excellent advice you got from SUFDB. I suggest you examine what you said to the OM before your affair started.

OM and OW know exactly what to say and do to you because usually they are confidants before they are sex partners. You tell them all the things you like or didn't like in your marriage and how you wanted to be treated and what you needed. They can use this knowledge to ensnare you in the relationship making you think they are exactly what you were looking for and were probably sent to you by GOD. The question is would these OM keep doing these things once they no longer have the H for competition? In many cases, no. The opportunity to take advantage of a hurt and emotionally starved woman is irresistable to them.

How much do you know about his past?

Thank you so much for your replies. They correlate with my line of thinking. OM has voiced many times that he would understand completely if I tried to salvage my marriage. I will give an example. In reply to a conversation about my options and what would be best for the kids the OM says "Whatever you decide, I love you. I won't be a jerk about it and I under-stand you need to what is best for you and your kids."

You're both right about the idea that I don't know him well enough to say that he wouldn't hit my children or always be gentle and caring. But, he does have children of his own and I see how he parents. His skills are above and beyond any parenting skills I have. So, I commend him for that and base those words on what I've seen. Thanks again.

Thank you so much for your replies. They correlate with my line of thinking. OM has voiced many times that he would understand completely if I tried to salvage my marriage. I will give an example. In reply to a conversation about my options and what would be best for the kids the OM says "Whatever you decide, I love you. I won't be a jerk about it and I under-stand you need to what is best for you and your kids."

You're both right about the idea that I don't know him well enough to say that he wouldn't hit my children or always be gentle and caring. But, he does have children of his own and I see how he parents. His skills are above and beyond any parenting skills I have. So, I commend him for that and base those words on what I've seen. Thanks again.

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: The right thing to do? ]</small>

To Firebird...I'm not sure what you mean by "TRTTD?" Could you explain that to me?

They are the initials of your user name. He was shortening it up.

You are not alone in your problem. I too am with a controlling, emotional, irate person. I too want to leave. I have re-met someone I knew from years ago. She is in a terrible situation like me and we like each other. I dont really know "her". I have to base my decision on what I have now, What is best for my kids first, not what I might have then. It might not work out with her and I will be alone anyway. Take time to get over the hurt of your split, as you dont want to keep reminding " him " of your x and how he is different by comparison. Makes it hard to move on. Remember you are showing your kids how adults act. Most of my wifes problems stem from when she was a kid in an abusive home and divorced parents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The right thing to do?:
<strong> To Firebird...I'm not sure what you mean by "TRTTD?" Could you explain that to me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was my abreviation for your handle:

The Right Thing To Do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is an easy one (for me). Stay separated from H, until you watch his actions. He needs to go to parenting classes, anger management on his own. Watch what he does (or does not do). Do not expect OM to help you parent your kids. That is the easy way out and you may go from the frying pan to the fire. Be on your own and get some counseling. Kids are probably acting out because of the upheaval. But kids that age are not easy under any conditions. Hang in there and work on you and children.

See if your H is willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. That, more or less, is a commitment on his part that he will never hurt you again.