Hi, and Merry Christmas to all;

This is my 3rd Christmas alone, and I cannot believe it. After all I went through in my 20s and 30s, I could never have believed that I would end up here; alone, lonely and struggling financially.

My ex, the WS, is living happy as a clam with her OM, she has money, mainly because I have the debt she came to the marriage with (long story).

I have seen this written by many, many people on this site; why is it that I was the good one, the one who did not cheat and, yet, here I am alone and very, very lonely on another Christmas while she has a new life and new love and is doing much better than I am?!

In past years, when I was alone, at least I had good friends to spend Christmas with, but they will be out of the country this year.

This is going on long enough that it is testing my faith. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that God allows this to happen to me ( and many, many, many others here) while the WSs are having a grand old time, ala Just Peachy...Her ex seems like he ought to get a prize for most rotten exH.

I know that I am whining, but I am sad and I feel lonely, so anything nice anyone could say would be very much apprecaited.


God Bless You All,
Andy

NOtMyWill,

I am sorry for the "unfairness" of it all. I know the holidays can be very hard. But remember, things are not always as they appear to be. For instance, Christmas is supposedly the "happiest" time right? But, suicide rates are highest at Christmas. How can that be? Because what we see is not all reality. We see the glitz and the commercials and all the sentimentalism, and none of it is bad in and of itself, but there are many, many hurting people right now. People who've lost loved ones to death or divorce, who've lost homes in fires or other natural disasters, who are elderly and alone, who are sick and dying in hospitals, who have no family or friends, who are imprisoned or bound by addictions that they desperately long to be free of, who are deep in debt and out of work, and the list goes on.

You are not alone. And I also don't believe your wife is as blissfully happy as she might seem. Don't be fooled by appearances. There is NO such thing as a perfect, trouble-free life. I GUARANTEE that they have their troubles and conflict and guilt and problems. Are they going to let you or others see it? No. But, I feel pretty sure in saying that things aren't as they appear. Even though I don't know them, I know that life is hard and real and normal. And that "bliss" only lasts for so long, barely even a year I'd say.

I know that might not help you feel any better, but keep seeking God and believe that He meant it when He said "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord." There are and/or will be consequences for your wife's unfaithfulness/adultery/hardness of heart. Keep being the "good one" and know that God will bless you.

I am going to be sending some gifts to a family that is having a very hard time this winter. That has helped me to keep my mind off my own aloneness. Maybe you can do something like that too? When we give, it helps us to forget ourselves and it reminds us that there are alot of hurting people in this world and when we bring comfort adn do good to others, we are blessed with peace and joy as a result.

God bless.

(((((((((((Andrew)))))))))))

Did I ever tell you how I came to be a Christian?

Last year around this time, I went to church with Dianne, my friend, and listened to a bunch of women give their testimonies about Christmas, and what it meant to them in the past and now. And one of the stories is with me now. You should hear it.

One lady told how she was so lonely and sad at Christmas, and how difficult it was for her, even within a loving family, to have no special person to share it with.

Everywhere she looked at Christmas, she could see loving couples, and she was envious of the giving and receiving of love they obviously shared at those times.

One year she was particularly lonely, and found herself drawn to helping at the church on Christmas Day, serving those who had nothing, who wandered in off the street to have a bite to eat in the company of others. She found she absolutely had to go and be of service to those people.

In doing this she found immense peace and much more happiness in the season than she could find at home. She felt the love of strangers, and was glad to share her caring heart with those most in need of a kind word.

I wonder, Andrew, could you do this, just for this year at least? I think it would be a really good way to spend an otherwise lonely, lonely day, and at the same time you would be doing God's work, ministering to the poor. Give it a go?

(PS: Your church may not have such a program; ours does not. It didn't stop this lady. She went where she was needed.)

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Hi Andy,

I just wanted to lend my support too.I just turned 38 today and although I am going through the hardest time in my life right now and may end up divorced soon too,I understand the loneliness.

I am pouring myself into my 2 children,my home and my family.Do you have family that can be with you or you with them this Christmas? It is important to be with those who care about you.

I try hard not to think about the unfairness of we BS's situation.It could eat me up inside to think that way.But what has always been in the back of my mind and what I know to be true,even though it is hard for me to keep believing,is that,everyhting is in divine order.

God's plan is already underway for each of us and although it may look desperate at times,if we can catch a glimmer of what it is we are supposed to learn by what we go through,and just keep our faith that good is meant for us although we have to get through the bad first,then there is hope.

I struggle with this idea all the time but I believe it to be true.For you,it may mean that you were supposed to be alone for now.You have work to do on yourself before you can give freely and openly to another woman.I truly do not believe that God makes bad things happen to us as a punishment but that bad things happen to good people and that God is there to help us get through it.

You are not whining about how you feel,you are expressing what you feel,a big difference.I agree that you could consider doing some work to help others,even helping children in some way.I believe that they are God's little angels here on earth and to be with them and see their faces is so powerful.Their innocence should be embraced,it is a wonderful thing to have that.Well,now I'm rambling.

Don't think about xw.Keep telling yourself that you are a good and worthy person.You deserve to be happy.Make it part of your thoughts each day several times a day.Don't keep thinking of negative thoughts,push them right out if they come into your mind.It's like mental exercise.

Merry Christmas to you too and may you have inner peace and good health this New Year!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
O

Hi Notmywill I'm not divorced yet, but have the same thoughts as you. But when I really considered it carefully, came to the conclusion that if that what I had to do to be happy (betray my partner, abandon family, break my vows) I'd rather be the BS. My H and OW are living happily together like there is no one else in the world. She left a 12 year old daughter to be with him. Her H was in Iraq when she and my H got together. He came home to no job, no wife, and has been struggling ever since. The price of their happiness is too high. To me they are pathetic. Continue doing the right thing, now is the time for sowing - later you will reap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just wanted to lend my support too.I just turned 38 today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Happy Birthday Octobergirl

NMWBTWBD(wow that's still long)
I agree with others that you can't concern yourself with BS. As you said, you're the good one. Be proud of that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get out and do something that makes you feel good about you. Helping others that can't is always a fine way to make you feel good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done:
<strong> Hi, and Merry Christmas to all;

This is my 3rd Christmas alone, and I cannot believe it. After all I went through in my 20s and 30s, I could never have believed that I would end up here; alone, lonely and struggling financially.

My ex, the WS, is living happy as a clam with her OM, she has money, mainly because I have the debt she came to the marriage with (long story).

I have seen this written by many, many people on this site; why is it that I was the good one, the one who did not cheat and, yet, here I am alone and very, very lonely on another Christmas while she has a new life and new love and is doing much better than I am?!

In past years, when I was alone, at least I had good friends to spend Christmas with, but they will be out of the country this year.

This is going on long enough that it is testing my faith. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that God allows this to happen to me ( and many, many, many others here) while the WSs are having a grand old time, ala Just Peachy...Her ex seems like he ought to get a prize for most rotten exH.

I know that I am whining, but I am sad and I feel lonely, so anything nice anyone could say would be very much apprecaited.


God Bless You All,
Andy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God bless you too man......but! Get over it....you are allowing yourself to be down. Why on earth would you give your EX any type of victory in this. Go out and MEET someone.....go out and have some fun instead of moping around feeling sorry for yourself. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR EX TO STEAL YOUR JOY!

Andrew:
I'm sorry for the pain you must have to go through but it is all for a reason. Sometimes the reason is apparent but often in the future and is unknown to us. You, me and many others here are going through a period of change; change for the better. Unfortunately, change is a break from the comfortable or the familiar, and it is painful at times. A few things that you must keep in mind that has already been mentioned by LMEX, NINA, OCTOBER and BElIEVER.

1. Your WS is living a lie and it will cause her pain and regret sometime in the future. You will not have guilt or regret. When the time comes you will venture into a better tomorrow clean and free from the woes that await your WS and OM.

2. You already have reasons to feel good about yourself. You stood, were loyal and life's hardest blows have tested you. Although it hurts, you are stronger than you probably thought and are getting stronger by the day. The strong survive.

3. What you are experiencing now will continue to mold you into a more thoughtful and better person. In other words a better Christian. This will benefit not only you but others whom you touch. God loves those who serve, just as He serves and rewards those who follow Him.

When I was at my lowest point, it wasn't just because my WS wanted someone else but I realized that I did things wrong in my marriage that I wasn't given the opportunity to fix and I felt all was lost. I am Catholic and I went to confession. The priest gave me this prayer to say and it is continuing to change my life for the better, even if not overnight:

Prayer of Saint Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace! That where there is hatred, I may bring love. That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth. That where there is doubt, I may bring faith. That where there is despair, I may bring hope.That where there are shadows, I may bring light. That where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted. To understand, than to be understood. To love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

In serving others, the Lord will serve you. I know it works, because it is working in me. I feel more of a man now than I ever have in my life before. I could be broken, yet I am not. I am stronger and at peace with myself. I can wait for God's plan rather than engineer my own and have it fail like so many others. Do I have my bad times and disappointments? Yes, it is part of life, but I don't stay there for long anymore.

God Bless, Merry Christmas to you brother.

Like so many others here, I'm going to encourage you to not sit there and allow yourself to be lonely. Pray, ask God to show you what you need to be doing, and then.... well, don't sit there and wait, 'cause God doesn't work that way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Pray that God gives you the inspiration you need to make a change and find a way to enjoy the holidays, and everyday, even if it isn't the way you're used to doing it. People have suggested helping at a church or shelter, and those are great ideas. If you really look, I'm sure you can come up with a few of your own.

For me, the one I've been dealing with is kids. For a long time, I didn't really want kids, and my husband I and didn't have any. Over the last few years, my opinions on that had been changing, but I didn't want to bring kids into a marriage that was having so many problems as ours was. Besides, my husband seemed unwilling to make any of the sacrifices that would be needed to have kids, and I didn't want to be a single parent even though I was married. Well, he finally brought up having kids, and really got my hopes up....two days before he told me about his affair. He's now off living with her, already trying to have kids with her, even though we are still married. She's 29, and already has one child. I'm sitting here, 36, looking at the very real possibility that I may never have kids now (because for me, love and marriage and all is a
definite prerequisite for having a baby!) And for a time I really wondered how God could let that happen, it seemed so unfair.

But what was unfair was blaming God. He didn't let it happen.....we humans just screw up sometimes, and because He gives us free will, we have to live with the consequences. But it occurred to me, after a lot of prayer, that I needed to step back and look at things differently. Now, I am working hard at getting past things, getting my finances in order, and getting my life ready for a family. I still may never have kids, but there are plenty of kids out there who don't have any parents, and once I have myself back together again, why not take this wish I have - to have kids - and use it to give a family to someone who doesn't have any. Assuming in the next few years my cirecumstances don't change - i.e., I haven't met someone and started having kids - I plan to try and adopt. It may not be what I had originally planned, but that doesn't mean I can't have just as much joy in my life this way. More, in fact, I think, because before my STBX left, life had gotten to be pretty miserable!

I guess what I'm saying, in my own long-winded way, is change your perspective. Try to think of a new way of handling the loneliness that you would never have considered before. Branch out, and try something new. It's understandable to sit and be sad for a while about this; it is a loss, and you need to grieve. But it sounds like it's been a couple of years for you...that means it's time to pick yourself up, and decide to change what needs changed to make things better. Me, I decided that there's no way I'm going to let my STBX's selfishness ruin the dreams I have. I'll just adapt the dreams and my way of reaching them to my new situation!

In my best Dr. Nick Riviera voice: Hi, Everybody!

I am very flattered that you folks have taken the time to write such well thought out responses! Thank you, very, very much.

Being of service to others is the best thing that we can do when we feel lonely, and even when we do not! I do know that and I am pretty good at it, especially with the elderly. My </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">parents, if they were living today would be 80(mom) and & 92(dad), and I am only 38.

LoveMyEx, yes, this can be a very sad time of year and I have had some reason ( along with the rest of planet Earth) to let doubt creep into, and eat at, my faith. I really wonder if that is not Satan prying his way in and screwing things up. If I keep in the forefront of my mind the only reason for Christmas in the first place, His birth, well, then I feel a whole lot better.

Dear Jacky, what can I say to you here that I have not said via IM for the last two and one half years. Can you believe it is that long?! We have talked one another through some pretty terrible times and here we are to tell the tale.
Yep, I do try to keep the Reason for this whole shebang in mind, and as I wrote above, that makes everything seem better.


OctoberGirl, you're 38, too, huh? We are getting OLD! LOL. I am praying for the patience to listen for His Will, as my name would suggest, but my name does not convey just how hard that is for me; I want things NOW!!!...but that is just the 4 year-old Andrew wanting what he wants when he wants it and no later. I have found from real world experience that God's plan is for our own good and that impatience just mucks up the works.
I have not yet learned that patience, but maybe someday!

believer, I am very sorry to hear of what your H is doing to you and to the man who was doing his duty to his country. Surely they are sowing seeds of great unhappiness in their future.
Also, I, too, would rather be alone and a betrayed spouse that being the guy who did all this wrong.
When I was 21-22 I was invlolved with an older woman who was married. Even though we not have intercourse(as if THAT excuses ANYTHING, because I know it does NOT), what I did was terrible. I remember the fog all too well and I can still remember the feeling of being sick to my stomach all the time, because I knew that I was doing a very wrong thing. I have posted about this other times in the past, but not for a while. It has occurred to me that, while God may not be punishing me, He is certainly letting me see and feel the other side of the coin and it has taught me things I did not want to know, though now I am glad to know them.

WishIWereHome, Yep, I know an elderly friend of mine who may need to go to the store, and when I am done with this, I am going to call him and see.

StartinOver, you are too right! I am letting my ex steal my joy and my peace and I am doing willingly. Time to STOP THE INSANITY! LOL.......I know that there are many single women my age with children who wonder what man would want them....well, here I am ladies!!!...I crack myself up, sometimes!

Firebird, thank you for your thoughtful, kind and Catholic words and point of view. Going through this tragedy ( which included the death of my Dear Old Dad and the loss of my programming job) has been instrumental in the restoration of my faith. Honestly, I was on the road back to the Church, but it may have taken years instead of months, had it not been for these things happening in my life, and, for that, I am grateful. I like to go to daily Mass and love it especially during Advent and Lent. I love going to Mass and get a daily recharge from it. I am copying the prayer you posted to my hard drive and will read it daily, thanks for that!

Penguin, I really like that name. I, too want to have children. My dad was 55 when I was born, so I do not hear the clock ticking as loudly as you may, so I will pray very hard for you and for the fulfillment of your desire to be a mother. I have thought about adopting a child and am praying on it for God to give me direction. We will see.

To every one, may the peace of our Lord be with each and every one of you this Holy Season. May the peace of Christ and His love come over you and give you all the strength to do what needs to be done.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me,

God Bless, Merry Christmas,

Andrew

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done ]</small>