are you having an affair w/ an other man or an other woman?

are we talking about more than just 1 truth you are keeping from her?
what on earth could be so hideous about this woman's features?
please be honest w/ her and yourself.

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

It is funny...But when I see pics of my x he is ugly to me now.

Your w is ugly to you right now b/c you are feeding EN's of OW and she's feeding the EN's of you. And I am in medical profession and can say enthusiastically that plastic surgery can fix almost anything these days. And I know the website of an awesome makeup artist who can send a video and teach your wife all kinda new tricks.

So if you do a few bits of tweaking and make her feel good about herself in the process, you will get a knockout for a wife. But that's NOT THE REAL ISSUE HERE.

It's your seeking justification for an affair. A big stinking eleven year pile of poop. And you have had plently of time to eat that cake boy. Eleven years. Geez. If I were your OW, which I'd never be to anybody, I would've walked by now. You mean or infer that after 11 long years that your mistress might be wanting something MORE? What an idiot.

But if you're here reading and learning MB techniques then you'd better cut it off with OW. Your M deserves a fighting chance and I am sorry about your affair. It is not the right thing to do at all. And yes, you can save it.

Take it from me. I practically lived in this county's courthouse this year with three court appearances and a horrible nine hour deposition and I was not the one who screwed up this marriage. My x is fogged too. He used to say that I was fat, ugly, and stupid and that no guy would want somebody like me and say all kind of stupid things like "we were never friends" and that "we just grew apart". In reality life is like this...I won several Miss America preliminaries and other pageants. I am not ugly. I am definitely not fat. I am exciting and well educated with pretty good job. Am a loving mother. We had regular and pretty decent physical relationship as well so it was not about that. My IQ is also higher than his too.

We spin the dirty stuff in our lives to make sense of the dirt and clean it up and cover it up. That's what my x did and is still doing now.

Do you want this life I've had? Do you? Do your kids deserve it? Do you think that "after a divorce the kids will learn to accept it and the wife will calm down and she will accept the affair in the future after a little time has passed?" I can tell you definitely that in NO WAY WILL I EVER HAVE A CUP OF CAPPUCINO WITH THE HO BAG MY X KNOCKED UP AND MIGHT MARRY. I am not her friend and I don't want to be his friend with his life in the toilet personally speaking. He can make all the money in the world he wants to. He can lie lie lie to the world but there will be always a few who will know the truth. I am not going to ever go over to their house and bring my famous spinach/artichoke dip and sit around laughing and cutting up about "old times". That will never be a reality. And when my son graduates from college, I will sit on one side of the auditorium and nowhere close to this man as long as he's living the way he is. There are some things you just shouldn't do. Your affair is one of them. It is hurtful and cruel and only self serving. Are you doing right by OW either? Heck no. She deserves a man who can really give her a future and somebody without this much baggage in their life.

Your r with OW is already doomed btw..The stats regarding remarriage with affair partner is not good my friend. When you combine pressures from those who will gossip about you behind your back but be all accepting to your face, read what the Bible says about divorce and adultery, and live day to day twentyfour/seven with this affair woman, life will change. And then on top of that you have to deal with the pressures of paying for the kids from your marriage and hopefully for your poor wife who was left behind. You will have less money. And you will have half of one family that may never want to have anything to do with you again for the rest of your natural born life. I am speaking from my experience.

My xh has done what you are toying with doing. He's now living with plan C, or Family Values, as I call her. She wasn't his dream girl affair chick either. There was the other one at same time and she broke up with him b/c he couldn't get divorced fast enough plus I confronted her head on and she saw the writing on the wall about her perceived future with my then husband. He got a stupid, uneducated, former chain smoking, no career to fall back on Maxxim model who doesn't do real modeling either. She's got already a three year old son from another out of wedlock shack up. She's already left my xh once and is laying on the pressure to marry her or else. Now she's almost seven mos. preggo and I have confronted her too. She knows if she ever touches my child (spanks or disciplines) that I will legally come after her and call in the DSS. There will be no friendship between us as she's no friend...even got Jethro after her former roomate was sleeping with him.

It's not pretty when you weave a web of lies.

I don't even talk to him anymore if I can help it btw.

I describe my feelings for Jethro in a song posted here earlier called "Hit that". Find it and read it. Try to do the easier and better thing and fix what you've already got. Quit spreading manure in OW's pasture. The manure sure makes her pasture look real green, but when you walk around it and take a good whiff, it's pure b.s. that's making it green.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Divorce her and get it over with. She's better off without you. I'm sure she'll find someone who loves her the way she is.

I do not recommend you tell the wife how unatractive she is, because I believe the fog of the last eleven years had made you BELIEVE she is unattractive as a justification for your ongoing affair. So it isn't fair to tell her something that is (and deep within you somewhere you KNOW this) an untruth.

BUT you do need to tell your wife about the A and break up with the OW, and NOW, and COMPLETELY NO CONTACT in order to give your marriage a chance. What is the OW's story? Is she married? Do you have any children together? After eleven years this seems likely. Does she KNOW your wife and pretends she is her friend? How have you managed the secrecy after all this time? Sheesh, I knew something was going on a WEEK after my X's first affair!

The reality is that your memories of what attracted you to your spouse have been clouded over all that time with OW, and she has probably picked up on the fact that she may be more attractive than your wife, and has played it for all it was worth. Betcha you never see her without make-up, perfectly groomed and victoria's Secret, huh? You think that is an accident? The OW KNEW your need for physical attractiveness, and your wife quite obviously does not, since you are appalled at telling her. Is that fair?

If you are really concerned about your marriage, get rid of the OW and work on it. There are children, and yes they are affected heavily. My seven year old was daddy's girl when he left, now she can't stand to see him. My ten year old had to go to counselling. They both do not like X's new wife (the OW) and hate going to see him, and it breaks my heart to have to send them to a situation they don't want to be in. It KILLS something inside children. It destroys their innocence. Is an affair worth it? Is a divorce worth it? Not if you can save the marriage. I think you can if you get rid of the OW, and give full attention to your wife.

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Either way, you've got a world of hurt to contend with. Eleven years is a long time to be involved with another woman and you're getting a lot of what you need from her. On the other hand, despite any rationalizations you make about leaving your wife and kids behind, you get a lot from them as well. It looks like there's a bunch of sound advice mixed in with a fair amount of hurt and bitterness to be found in these replies. A friend might tell you to go where your heart needs to go, but I know how confused that can be. Honesty with first yourself, and then with the people you affect is the only way to proceed. I know this struggle well -- good luck.

What is left when Honor is lost? Well I do not really agree with anyone that cheats. There is not a reason in this world that can explain a moment of lust.

When you marry someone, that is a total comitment. I have kept my end of everything.

I am here tonight, a day after christmas, 2 days after my son had his 9th birthday and guess where my wife is? Well she is on a trip to Indiana with her "boyfriend". Yes, sounds really fricken wild, but you know, some day they will understand that when you walk over people, and use them for what ever you need. One day it will happen to them, "the cheaters" of the world.

So I am replaying to the "un-faithfull". I can say with truth, I have kept my honor, and till the time comes when the judge says its over. Its over.

I have 3 boys that I care about more then just a night of lust, just because my wife will not have sex with me.

I had sex 3 times with my wife, we have 3 boys. You can figure the rest of the math out. But really folks, its truley not a sex problem, it is matter of what you believe inside.

Please hang in there people and just make sure your children are happy and one day you will be happy again. That's really all I have to say for now.

Thanks

I just have to add.. every one here is calling this an AFFAIR.. sorry but TOTALLY NOT!!!!

this person has been, and still is ""LVING A DOUBLE LIFE"" with this OW, and has dedicated 11 yrs to HER, as well, so he has obviously built alot of history with both the wife and OW.. not to mention adding children to the senario.. THAT TO ME IS WAY PAST AN AN AFFIAR.. It is just like HAVING a second marriage.. """11 YEARS WORTH!!!""" GEEZES!!

in the state I live in, 7 yrs living together is as if it were a leagal marriage.. SO whats to say 11 yrs "TOGETHER" (living together or apart) makes much of a difference... he is (practically) married to both, at this time..

there is no fixing this, at this point, unless he comes to terms with what he truely wants, and the guilt is obviously killing him right now, more than anything.. it is not about the kids, it is ALL ABOUT "HIM" The poor wife, who I`m sure is a gorgious person from the inside out has to know by now, too....

and about her looks.. COOMON!!!! there are so many things one can do now a days, to rectify looks.. sorry to those who may disagree, but PLEASE!!!!!!!! plastic surgery has come A LONG WAY!!! and HEY how many of us feel as we are getting older that we would like to change a few things about our selves.. LOL..

I mean, common now.. ok surgery is another PERSONAL issue, all in it self.. but I`m sorry this is rediculous.. he is justfying all of this WITH AN IRRATIONAL EXCUSE.. and personally, to me, there is NO EXCUSES..!!! 18 yrs.. two kids, a huge long history of both families (from both sides) common.. lets look at the big picture here.. it has been YOUR SELFISHNESS and thats "ALL"" it has been..