I found out three weeks ago that my husband of 14 months had been having an affair for the last 7 weeks. the affair started about a week before the birth of our first child. When I found out, I gave my husband a choice; her or me, he chose me. I love my husband dearly, and truely want to work things out. Well the problem is he has for the past three weeks continued to lie to me about the affair. He even told me that the first part of the affair he wasn't with her, he was with a man. He had told me the truth, but then changed it to the man story hoping I would take it better. I have told him all I want is the truth. I have since then found out he has been lying to me about most of his past history. For example he told me he was in the Army during desert storm, and then was discharged. I have found out yesterday, that he was discharged after six weeks of basic training due to his asthma. He told his girlfriend that he was still in the army. His compulsive lying is starting to really bother me. I have three other children from a previous marriage, and he has one. That totals five kids. He told his girlfriend, that we have been married for 12 years, and there were rumors that three of our kids wern't his. How am I ever suppose to trust him again. I have also recently fount out he has been looking for an affair for the past ten months. He did it, because he wanted to "know what it would be like". How crule is that. He says that he loves me, and wants to work things out, but how can I believe him. He also has a major addiction to pornography, and that really bothers me. He says he wont do that again either.

Boy oh boy do I know what this is like!!! Do you get the panicked feeling in the pit of your stomache like someone kicked you everytime you discover another lie? My S and I have been together 20 years, and from the number of lies I have uncovered without really putting forth much effort, I am wondering if anything said is ever the truth! Dr. H says there's not much that can be done for people with this problem. Read His Needs, Her Needs and what he says about honesty. I have to agree with him. It is for this very reason, not the A that I suspect my S is having, that I am ready to throw away more than a decade of marriage and two decades of a relationship. I really feel for you....it's awful not to be able to trust anything that the person you are married to is telling you.<p>Keep coming here. I would suggest counseling to you, but if your S is like mine, and I think so, the S will just lie to the counselor. Mine has, while I just stared with my jaw dropping. What good can therapy do if one of the participants is not telling the truth about anything?!<p>Hang in there...

Ah, kindred spirits! <p>I have been married to my H for (almost) four years. In the first year of our marriage, he lied about absolutely everything you could lie about--his job, military career, --you name it, he lied about it. He also had 18 jobs in 15 months and said the meanest things when we fought and destroyed things when we fought--never hit me, though. (hey, gotta give the devil his due)<p>15 months into the marriage, again unemployed, I had had enough. I asked him to leave and made it clear that we could have no marriage if he continued these behaviors. A week later, he had a job-he has had several others since, but never had a lapse in employment went straight from one to another. And we started counseling. The joint counselor immediately picked up on the issues that he needed confront in order to work on the marriage. H went to IC for 2-3 sessions then told me that the therapist said he was 'cured' and didn't need to go back. I'm sure he lied/slanted everything that he told the guy. <p>I told him this: I can't make you go to counseling or hold a job but make no mistake---I will not tolerate any more lies--you must work to help support our family---no more punching holes in the walls, etc--and no more cruel things said even in the heat of a moment. These are all deal breakers. He has 'slid' back once or twice on lies about inconsequential things but immediately admitted it and said he would try harder. He has worked steady and kept his end of this bargain.<p>I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is hope. I suggest counseling immediately. It didn't work for my H but my insisting he go was an eye opener. He said that he didn't think I was serious about not staying married until I made him leave--that he could go on doing what he was doing and I would just complain and take it.<p>Good luck. Let us know how it's going.

I knew if I searched hard enough I would come across someone in a simular situation.... I just found out a month and a half ago that my husband was cheating on me and I was completly devastated.
But things became worse once I found out it was with another man. We have been married for 3 yrs. and together for 4. We have a son who just turned 1 in October. Was my husband was found out, he started to admitting to all kinds of things like I am finding out that he has lied to me our entire marriage and that he married me under a lie. He is also a compulsive liar. He is showing great efforts to work on things, he wants our marriage to work out and he has been more than willing to go to counseling and to psych care and to a recovering homasexual support group here in town and have an accountability partner here at our church. I love my husband dearly and I am so hurt by what he has done and I want to believe that he is telling the truth now but how do you know for sure? I even asked him if he would be willing to take a private lie detector test using my choice of questions. He says that he will do that if thats what it takes to repair our marriage and get it back on track and start the healing process. Do you girls have any insight to this or have any good advise--Im so confused!!

UGH! It's the lies - not the affairs - that have driven me crazy.<p>I caught my H in a couple lies when we were dating/engaged, but I didn't think too much about it. We've been married 23 months and I have found affairs and lies galore. Every other month I discover a new woman and many lies.<p>I, too, love my H to death, but for the most part I feel as though I'm the lie. I don't know why he married me (he slept with OW 2 weeks before wedding).<p>I think he's been lying his whole life and doesn't know any better bcs I catch him him in little lies too and I don't understand it.<p>I don't think my H while change and quite frankly - I don't think he wants to.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

hello everyone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
i gotta suggest a book for you all ...it helped me and my friend immensley! <sorry MB its and outside book not a MB one> <p>its called ...too good to leave / too bad to stay
author is mira Kirshenbaum<p>she has been a therapist for 20 years and goes thru case studies <very well written and easy to read too> it allows you to make choices for your self based on realities and covers so many issues you are bound to find many of your covered. <p>what i liked so much was after every subject was covered she would say...under these conditions the people were mostly much happier after they left their marriages <or much happier staying><p>she is very unopinionated abut what YOU should choose but lets you see what 20 years of dealing with couples has revealed to her...and the success rates of those and their choices<p>i got it @amazon .com for around $10...very worth every cent...oh and you can choose to buy a used one for around $4 too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i highly reccommend it!

HI ladies. I am really facing the facts that my H is a compulsive liar. It is hard to do. I would really like to know what he told the other woman. This time I caught him. I do not know what has happened in the past, but would like to know. I know he lied to me, and is still trying to lie. Problem is I can't get to or find the truth. It is really sad, because he is fun, lovable.. ect.... and I enjoy being with him much of the time. The lies are sooo terrible. It is so hard to know you cannot believe someone. My H insists he is not a liar. He twists and turns and manipulates everything to the pt that I feel I have to have a private detective to really figure out what is going on here, but unfortunately for now I cannot afford that.<p>I am sick over what he does to me and our 2 boys. The lies are worse than cheating, aNd it would be better if they could confess and you knew the whole story. Trust is the foundation of a real relationship.<p>I hate liars and lying,,, and here I am loving a liar. I did not know this going in, nor did yhou ladies. I think it has to stop in my circumstance. My H is an alcoholic and I know his low self esteem makes him a liar. Have you heard the expression, when his lips are moving you know he is lying , if he is an alcoholic.<p>I am compelled to start over completely. I am really sick over his A, and his LIES are worse.<p>He lies to himself, and blames me for everything that is wrong in our marriage and won't face his issues at all.<p>I am so sick ovedr what he has done.<p>Thanks for being here! Good luck to you. Oh yea, I reccomend a good book, When your lover is a liar... it advises what you can and cannot take... etc. and how to regain your life after being lied to and manipulated.<p>Cheers! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

When I wrote this post, I had no idea there were so many others with the same problem. I am both refreshed to know I am not alone, and saddened that so many others have to feel my pain. How is it that the one who claimes to love you so much can hurt you so much. <p>I don't know how many more lies I can uncover before I can't take any more. I love my husband, but his lies are killing me. <p>To Honey, you can't afford a private investigator? Do your own investigating. I have uncovered most of my husbands lies on my own. It will make it harder if he has left you, but to you or anyone else. Start checking on stories. If you have the guts go visit the women they had affairs with, chances are he is lying to them also, most will be happy to talk especially if they are over. If you have specific questions about how to find something out leave me a message I have probably had to do it and can give you some tips.<p>If our husbands only knew how much we love them, It's a shame they can't love us as much. Please keep writing, I will keep all of you on my thoughts and prayers, please do the same. Maybe a little support is all we need to get through this.

well, I think that if one is truly a 'compulsive' liar as opposed to a 'habitual' liar, then they can't help lying. They are driven to do it by some deep psychological need. <p>Habitual liars, which is what my H is, do it out of habit, fear of repercussion, etc---but it is a conscious choice.<p>I think both can be helped with therapy---unless, of course, he is like my H who went to 2 therapy sessions and said the counselor pronounced him 'cured' and cut him loose!

That theory about the difference between a compulsive liar, and a habitual liar is interesting. How exactly do you tell the difference??

Obviously, I am not a trained professional but I think the way I figured it out was if my H COULD stop lying at any point. And he could, if he tried. I think a compulsive liar cannot stop, no matter how hard they try. <p>If it's a conscious decision to lie, then I'd say it's a habit. I'm thinking a trip to a therapist is in order to determine the true problem and its solution.

Hello Ladies! Well in these posts I didn't see my situation so I thought I'd jump in. My W has a problem with lying. And she has tried to lie to cover something and gave it away instead. She doen't seem to understand I know when she's lying. She lies, I catch her in her lie. She confesses. Then turns around and starts again! She had 1 physical A 8 years ago and has had several "emotional" A's since then. Caught her in 1 on Oct 22nd. Caught her starting another yesterday the 24th.
But all that aside I love her dearly. We are in counselling. I'm fighting tooth and nail to prove to her I love her still.

My husband was like this too...<p>I say "was", he's MUCH better now, but does have the tendancy to lie, and can't understand that grand exaggerations are dishonest as well. <p>Our lives and marriage nearly fell apart in '95. We were married for 3 yrs and had a one year old. He would lie about absolutely EVERYTHING to ANYONE. AND, he could get away with it. He's so charming, very convincing. And probably believed half of what he said himself!<p>There was one occasion that he mailed me a package that didn't arrive on time (because he didn't REALLY mail it when he said he did) and then INSISTED that the post mark had been altered.<p>Just an example of how petty his lies could be. <p>It turned out that he was/is a compulsive gambler. I had NO idea that all that was going on, he was so good at covering his tracks. He was also having an affair. <p>When everything fell apart (job, finances, marriage, daughter diagnosed with kidney problem), and I kicked him out, he went to GA that night. Says he told them that he really needed to go to a "liar's anonymous"...they laughed and said that applied to all of them there. <p>The 12 step program really helped. And part of his recovery was NO LYING. To anyone...even bill collectors and telemarketers. He's backslid in that area, but now I can recognize lies...he doesn't lie to me, and doesn't often lie in my presence. He knows I won't cover him or keep my mouth shut for a lie. <p>If I had to go through all that again, I don't think I would. During the year or so before he went to GA, I thought I was losing my mind. I swear, he told me I was nuts, and I was really believing it. The marriage falling apart was aweful enough, but it undermined my self confidence and instincts. <p>I guess I don't have any advice to offer! But I do wish you all a peace of mind.

Lola,
except for the gambling, that is my situation to a 'T'...H lied to everyone about everything and because he had no close relationships with anyone except his mother, could get away with it. It all fell apart after my daughter asked his mother about something H had told D...mother had no clue what she was talking about. <p>The funny part? He got mad at Mom for 'ratting' him out.

Lola-<p>You said he is much better now? How are you able to trust him again? You said he also had an affair, how did you put it past you? How do you know his "getting better" isn't just another attempt to "cover his tracks"? I am asking, because I am still trying to figure this all out. I love my husband, but I am affraid to trust him, and get my heart broken again. I am affraid of laying there alone again at night while he is out with someone else. I have learned to trust my instincts again, but how much can I take? Plus I don't know how I am suppose to love a man who is a lie. Every thing I know about him isn't who he is. My husband is trying to "get better". He is going to church with me again, he even wants to. We have been going to counceling. I find it so hard to trust him that I don't beleive he is doing these things for any reason other than to "pull one over on me". I feel like I am just overly paranoid. I don't want to spend the rest of my life babysitting him, but I am affraid if I don't he'll find another opportunity. He now tells me he did it to fulfill a fantasy. What a fantasy about ripping my heart out? I don't know how to stop obsessing about this so we can go on with our life. If anyone has any advice, I would appriciate it.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>