Help!!!!!
I am definitely living in another dimension. Last nite I found out that my H took my 4yo D to the OW house and spent the nite over at her house. My daughter just happened to be talking about her weekend experiences and she was telling me who she was with. Of course, I began asking her questions since I had no clue who she was talking about. To say the least, I was furious! Immediately, I called my H to ask him waht was going on. It took him about five minute to admit everything to me about the weekend. Of course I am very tired of all the lies this man has been telling me over the last nine months. I told him I was calling the OW (was that wrong) and he asked me not to but I was determined to let her know that I did not want my D around her or her children. So, I spoke to her and she is playing the role of understanding where I am coming from as a woman. I don't trust her, but what is crazy is that we talked on the phone for about 90 minutes about both our situations (her H left her 2 months before mine). How could she do that to someone else you ask? Well, in her mind, my situation is not as bad as hers and she is not trying to break up anyone's marriage. She may not be the only reason my marriage fell apart, but she is definitely the biggest reason.

She plans to be in H life right now, and after this weekend episode, I told H he is only to see his daughter at my house, any time he wants. I do not want him going behind my back taking my daughter around people I do not know. OW wants to meet with me and H so we can discuss the situation and she is now involved in H life. Is that a good idea? If yes, should we mee at my house or in a restaurant (of course H is pushing for the restaurant)?

I have much to say to both of them and I feel like this could give me some much needed closure.

Hi Olivia, what an experience! My belief is your husband should have discussed with you his relationship with the OW and that he had intended to introduce your daughter to her,however, it didn't happen that way!
It wonderful that you had an opportunity to speak to the OW and for quite a length of time. The issue to me is your daughter getting caught in the middle, an unfair place to be in. I believe it is your husbands responsibility to respect your views and not bring your daughter to the other woman but, and I say but, if all three of you can sit down and talk about things rationally without anger and blame being directed, then maybe a solution can be found and your daughter won't be the one who gets hurt.
Did your husband leave you for her? Did their relationship start after your seperation? Do you want to reconcile with your husband and is there that chance? Before you meet face to face I would really pray first, think why you want to tell them both something and is it important for you to get if off your chest and will it really bring closure?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ldixon:
<strong> Did your husband leave you for her? Did their relationship start after your seperation? Do you want to reconcile with your husband and is there that chance? Before you meet face to face I would really pray first, think why you want to tell them both something and is it important for you to get if off your chest and will it really bring closure? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband left because he did not want to end his "friendship" with the OW and I did a horrible plan A because I was so upset. He may not be living with OW but I do feel like he left me for her. Their relationship is the reason why we separated. The only way we cold get back together is if by some miracle he decides he wants to really work at repairing our marriage through counseling and MB. I do have a lot I want to get off my chest because I do not want to hold my feelings inside. Most of the hurt I am feeling has been caused by them. I want them to understand that they may not be able to control their feelings for each other but they can control their actions and those actions from the time they met have been wrong. I think it will be done in a mature and calm fashion. I actually feel more comfortable talking to OW than to my H.
I will continue to pray for the strength to get through it all. Thank you.

Olivia,
I had this same conversation with om and you know what, it didn't work. I had spoke to om and he promised he wouldn't be when the kids were there.

He lied. My son was upset one nite about nothing and when i asked him what was the matter, he said om was there the nite before.

I then confronted x, and almost got arrested. So overall, I got very angry and almost arrested, and it accomplished nothing.

You may also not have any legal standing, your h has the right to take the kids anywhere he wants just as you do.

I do understand your concerns, but unless you can get some type of court order, I think you are wasting your time and energy. Any attempt at court order will simply drive a wedge between you and your h and drive him closer to ow.

If he goes along with your request about seeing the kids, so much the better.

Hang in!

If your H and OW don&#8217;t live together &#8211; forbid your D&#8217;s nights in her house!
Say that the time your H is with the child should be used for their bonding and not leaving her with someone else or spending THAT time with his gf/lover/whoever else. (I insisted on this clause i our Agreement).
Once they live together (if), that's le be his home too and you cannot do anything against that... and, at that time, talking to OW is desirable (in a way 'a must')

Olivia, save your energy, honey. Explaining to them that they could and should control their actions is like hurling yourself over an abyss. They won’t understand you, they won’t care, and it just gives them the opportunity to harm you more by defending what they’ve done and are going to do.

And getting emotions off your chest is highly over-rated. Vent here. Get things off your chest here and with your girlfriends. Be cautious and wary when talking with your WH and doubly cautious and wary when speaking with OW. These people are interpreting everything through the fog of fantasyland. Everything comes to them bent, and what they give back is warped.

Your words can and will be twisted. The two may discuss them after they meet with you. I think it’s a dangerous plan.

The more I think about it the more I agree with what all are saying. It would only hurt me more than them. I am sure it is better for me emotionally. If the time comes when they are living together, then I will totally adress the issue with her. I do need to keep some level of diginity in my life. The fact reamins that I do still love my H and have not had enough time to deal with all my hurt and pain.

Don't give her the dignity of having a "negotiating visitation" conversation with you. She is the ultimate illegit - she's been hurt by an affair and decides that yours isn't the same pain that she felt. She is emotionally retarded if she lacks even that little tiny particle of empathy - she's definitely a zero in that regard.

Instead, go to Plan B - it's your only recourse. Set up a mediary where he can go play with his kids. But not in your presence. Save what love you have left in case he finally comes around. If not, you already have things set up where divorce isn't so traumatic.

I wanted to set up a mediary when he moved out. We cannto agree on who that should be. I think either of our mothers are too one-sided to play that role and our friends have also chosen sides. Only person who I trust is my brother-in-law who is 3000 miles away. We need someone in our town.

I find that without a mediary, Plan B is very difficut for me to stick to. I have to find one asap. Thanks KaylaAndy.

I wanted to set up a mediary when he moved out. We cannto agree on who that should be. I think either of our mothers are too one-sided to play that role
It's simply someone who wathces the kids between pick up & drop off and short messages dealing with the kids.
You don't get them "involved" in all the crap with each other.

No good can come of it. My experience has been wierd too. OW was shacked up with my son. I had verbal altercation via phone on mother's day last year when my xh wanted me to come over to his house and pick up son...And I'd have to see OW there at my once dream house on of all days, Mother's Day. Well, I let her have it. Told her what I thought of her and she tried the be nice thing at first and the "I understand you and how you feel" ...When I told her how I didn't care what she did around her child but cared that she didn't sleep around in front of MY child, she turned into a witch.

Months pass. Sept. comes around. I don't know she's preggo by now. She calls me and feigns an emergency with my son, who's over for visitation with his dad. Says she's "left" my xh. Tells me how he's been abusive with her and how he's treated her bad. She tried the be a friend thing and talk and I even prayed with the woman this time. Really thought she had gotten outta the fog. But she goes back two days later after apologizing for the pain she has caused my child and I. I told her that if she ever left my child again or did anything like that once more I'd call Child Prot. Services on her. I told her firmly that my son is my first priority and no woman will get in the way of my son and I. She went back to my xh for his money and b/c she's an idiot and then eloped with him two weeks ago.

I say stay out of any dealings with OW. Even if they shack up and later marry. Nothing good of it. She'll run to you and tell you bad things about him and he will think he can do same to you. Leave them alone in their sinfest and let them turn on each other.

THis OW is a real piece of poo if she thinks your pain is less and this situation is easier. What crap is that? She's selfish and very wrong. I'd do just as you are doing. Your child has no place spending night in front of OW and her kids at her house. It's just wrong. It's confusing. I mean, who's the parents here? What are we teaching our kids? No wonder teens are so wild and our morals as a society have declined. We see our parents shacking up and having sex and the kids think they can do it too when they get older whenever and with whomever they want.

Foggy people nauseate me.

This is very devastating. My H told me last night that he is moving with OW next week. I am praying and crying very hard. I have a few friends and I thank God for them and for my little girl. H may try to takt my D from me. Eight now I need to figure out what to do to make me happy. I cannot stay in this house. I just want to move to another state and make a fresh start. I need to be as far away from H and his family. I was going to wait until the D was final, but I thought H would wait until the D was final as well, that is what he told me. So many lies have been told, too many to even begin to sort out. I just feel like he has totaly devastated me and my family and a lot of other people around us. I want a D as soon as possible b/c each day they live together while we are still married tears me down even more.

Eventually, I just want to be happy again. He has torn my heart apart so much. I want the healing process to begin.

Thanks MB for your existence and thank you to all for the posts of encouragement.

In my experience it is best to stay away from OW. What ever she has to say is of no importance to you. Don't lower yourself to their level. Stand proud and firm. Get to a lawyer and set up some legal visitation boundaries. You can't do a thing right now to change his mind, he is in a fog. In his mind you are the "bad" one. I know how you feel, the hurt is overwhelming but it does get better. Don't make any decisions right now. Wait awhile when you are better able to make good decisions.
Go out and do fun things with your friends and your daughter. Use this time to better yourself.

Jill

Talk to your lawyer about a "no-nookie" clause in the visitation agreement. Basically, it states that no unrelated adults can be in the home around the children after a given time (say 6 pm...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />