A quick run down on my history - H is a serial cheater. That I know of (as I have been told by close friends this number is probably greater), H has cheated 5 times, the last resulting in an OC. We have a 15 month old daughter, OC is 10 months old. My H will say he'll change, yadda, but has yet to do so. I am tired and no longer in love with my H. All I want is to move on with my life and raise my daughter in an atmosphere devoid of any drama.

After attempting Plan B, my H promptly came over to my house and argued with me until I agreed to be his "ear". Sure - go sleep with OW and me be his "ear". I am so sick of this, I just want some resolution. I will be calling an attorney this week to schedule a consultation and file in the next couple of weeks ( a little short on cash right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My question is - what do I need to know? I understand that the divorce itself will require an agreement on what expenses H would take on and visitation, but is there anything else outside of that I need to worry about? What's the best way to break this to H?Keep smiling & playing nice and then serve papers? Any tips on this? I just can't understand why he won't walk away & leave me alone. H is not currently working - I expect he'll start a new job next week, considering that our daughter lives with me & I pay all of her expenses, he wouldn't get alimony would he? Any guidance you all could provide would be appreciated!

Vee

Hi Vee,

Not sure what state you're from, so I can't say about the alimony. In my state, there is none. I was lucky. I, too, was married to a man who didn't work. Obviously, I supported the family and would have been devastated if I'd had to pay him one red cent in alimony!! It still makes me sick that I had to split a major retirement fund with him that I earned while working....... as he MADE me do!!!

I don't know enough of your story to give you any real advice. If hubby is still living with you, you're either going to want to enlighten him as to what's going on, or make sure he's served the paperwork when you and your child aren't there.

I had asked my husband to move out a couple of months before he was served. Maybe a cowards way out...... but I did not tell him. At that point, things were HORRIBLE between us. He had started to get "physical" with me and I wasn't willing to risk it.

Make sure you've got a good lawyer who is "up" on all the latest divorce laws. I am the woman.... and am the exception to the rule in saying that my ex totally screwed me over financially. My lawyer was going through some personal turmoil at the time of my divorce (unbeknownst to me at the time).

At least, thank God, I got custody of my kids. Ex has visitation.

My best advice is to sit down and think long and hard about EVERY detail of raising a child. Write it all down, no matter how mundane it may seem at the moment. Make sure EVERY issue is addressed in your proceedings, from school registration charges, to soccer, to braces, to violin college, etc.

I wish you the best!! Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

Sarah

Sarah -
I am from Tennessee. Thanks for your reply. H has moved out to be with the OW & the OC. Although - his claim is that she is unfit (yeah right) and he is concerned about the OC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I make a pretty decent salary, but it certainly isn't enough to see that he gets a chunk of my pay. The problem is that H keeps trying to move back & forth between myself & OW. When I tried to explain to him why I wanted him to just go & be with OW he said his name was on the lease & he wasn't leaving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (His name is NOT on the lease! the contract is between myself & the landlord) At any rate he claims that he would fight me on everything. A friend of mine has given me the name of a very good atty, so I'll call to get a consultation.

I am pretty afraid that telling H will make him physical - if not to me then to my house. I'm renting from my best friend (she lives out of state) and I am wary that he may do damage to her house. I guess the way I feel now - I don't care for anything from him other than our daughter's daycare expenses & child support. Thanks - I'll start thinking about everything & how I would want it handled.

Vee

Get the locks changed before he is served. And if you are that worried about him getting physical talk to your attorney about it, he/she may advise and order of protection (stay away orders) ...

Also keep a copy of your lease with you at all times. That way if he calls the cops or landlord or whatever to try and justify getting into the house (with their help) or justify a break in, you can show that his name is not on the lease .. there fore he has no legal entitlement.

If he still has possessions in your house, rent a storage unit and put all of his things in there. Get two keys, give one to your attorney to give to him and one for your your attorney to keep, just incase first key is "lost" by WH.

Write another planB letter and this time stick to it ... your not his ear, your his wife or STBXW -- it's and all of him or nothing deal.

good luck
way2

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

These are all great questions to ask your attorney. It really varies from state to state. I couldn’t just change the locks. I could only do that if STBX had left for more than 3 days.
Things to bring with you: Everyone’s social security number. Your W2, your husband’s w2, and copies of all assets and liabilities. If you can quietly get copies of all your husband’s bank statements, do so. Write out a budget off all child related expenses, and don’t be stingy. OW won’t be when it comes to getting parental support for OC. Think about daycare, schooling and higher education. It’s customary to request your STBX carry life insurance with the children as the beneficiaries until such time as they can care for themselves. I chose age 24.

I wouldn’t tell him until you have all the information you need in case he fights dirty. So get the bank information first.

Meanwhile, if you don’t already have your own account, open one. (Sounds like you already have one.) My lawyer to told me to hoard cash. And he meant hard currency. Cash is untraceable and useful for paying all kinds of things.

You have my sympathy. My father was a serial cheater. There is no hope for them. And, believe it or not, your STBX will blame you for divorcing him! He might even do what my father did and marry this primary OW, and proceed to cheat on her. Although I think in the end, he worked it out so that they have an alternative marriage.

Definitely change the locks and inform your landlord. I was informed by my local police of a wording that I should include on each window to prevent H from reentering & changing the locks himself. I handwrote these notes and pasted one on the inside of each window.

If you're short on money to rent a storage unit (and who wants to go through someone else's things anyway), know that at some point you'll need to let H in to get his stuff. BUt, you can have police there to make sure he doesn't take any of your things. It's amazing what we learn.

In some cases, the police can be our friends. You can let them know the situation, and inform them that you have changed the locks and that you are concerned, not only about your place, but also your friends. They can patrol the area to make sure noone breaks in - it's called HouseWatch. And let them know H's vehicle description and license plate.

It's a way to protect yourself.

I was informed by my local police of a wording that I should include on each window to prevent H from reentering & changing the locks himself.
What is the "wording"?

Thanks ya'll!! Any additional info is greatly appreciated!!

I did talk to my atty today & he suggested that I file immediately. I meet with him on Thursday, I called the locksmith company to get an estimate on re-keying the locks - get this low price - to get 2 locks re-keyed, service call, & original key & duplicate keys (3) - $63. How fabulous is that. I couldn't get to the storage unit today, I'll try tomorrow. I'm on my way to my auto insurance agency to remove his name from the policy (his name, but not vehicle is on my policy in case he drives it - which is my car free & clear, paid for too). I have his social committed to memory, as I was told to bring that info along with contact address, etc (which I have because he left a rental reciept at the house with her address on it, which I promptly tucked away)

Greengables - No - we have separate accounts. I learned this one the hard way after he made a bad business move that cost us an account. He is not even listed as an authorized user on any of my accounts. Oh - he blames me now for him living with the OW? I'm - let's see what was his direct quote - ah yesssss .... "An icy, cold hearted woman. You have always been mean to me."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm curious, would he get to write off paying for her childcare expenditures? I know that he can't deduct child support from his taxes, I would assume maybe he couldn't deduct anything else he was court-ordered to pay.

Newly - Thank you. Oh - the cops are my best friends! LOL My friend is married to a cop & I work with several on a daily basis. Having them patrol my street won't be a problem at all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The beauty of working where I work! LOL Such perks!!!

I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas! Thursday can't get here fast enough! Oh - I have informed my landlord - as she is my best friend. We've also worked out any arrangement (rent wise) I might need in order for me to file 1st!

Thanks again! If anyone else has info to add please do! I want to be prepared for this!

Vee