I was divorced in 1993 and that is so long ago that I may not belong here. But I have a problem hanging over my head that I can't talk to anyone in 3D about. Please forgive, if this in not the place for this.

I'll try to make a long story as brief as possible. I met my former husband at college in 1976. He was the first man to ever take an interest in me, I had never a single date before I met him. I fell madly in love with him and remain so to this day. We were married in 1982 and had 2 daughters, born in '90 and '91. I am a state trooper in a southeastern state. In 1992 I was sent to a distant part of the state on temporary disaster duty. I was there a month and the night before we could go home, we had a party at our motel. I got very drunk, and to this day, I don't remember what happened, but I cheated on my husband with another officer. I may not even have been conscious, but I knew what happened the next morning and I have never felt so filthy in my entire life. And that filthy feeling has never left me in over 11 years.

Then, about a month later, when I refused that rotten b******'s suggestion that we "do it again", he got mad (I slapped him). And then he got even by telling my husband what I had done. My husband took it very badly and became very verbally abusive. I, of course, well deserved his rage and name calling, and gladly took it without complaint in the hope that he would forgive me. This lasted a couple of months, and then he suddenly left (on my birthday, no less). He simply left a note that said only, "Goodbye, you whore" and I never saw or spoke to him again. He hates me so much he can't even send the child support checks himself, he has a law firm do it. He moved far away and though I tracked him down, everytime I tried to call him, he hung up the instant he knew it was me. I've written him hundreds of times over the years trying to get him to agree to see our girls. Never a response, not one. I even offered to waive the CS (I'm financially able to do that due to an inheritance received after the divorce) if he would just see them a couple times a year. No reply. I can certainly understand him hating my guts, but how can a man abandon his own flesh and blood? I'll never understand that. And he was such an wonderful, proud, and loving father before I did what I did.

Though I'm asked out occasionally, I have not dated once since the divorce. My heart just isn't in it, no man can ever compare to my husband.

Okay, now for the question (if anyone is still reading, sorry!). My daughters were toddlers when this happened and don't remember him at all.
But recently at age 12 and 13 they have begun asking about him more and more and wanting to see photos of him. My vague and deceptive answers about why he is not here with us aren't going to work much longer. I have always intended to tell them the entire truth someday, if for no other reason than when they are married they will know the horrible price to be paid for being as stupid as I was that terrible night. But, the closer I get to the day I tell them, the more terrified I get. What if they hate me? I don't think I could handle that. All their friends come from intact families and they have mentioned that enviously. When they find out that their growing up without a father is totally and completely my fault....I just don't know how they will take it.
I'm so scared. I can't sleep at night worrying about this.

Thanks for listening and my apology if this is not the appropriate website for this.

Karen

Hi Karen,

Oh, I am just sick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wrote a very long reply to you but somehow lost it! I will have to reply tomorrow.

I am so sorry for the pain you feel. My heart goes out to you. You are carrying a tremendous burden in many ways.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you believe in God or have a relationship with Him? I would like to share some things with you, but wondering if you know Him.

God bless you.

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

I can certainly understand him hating my guts, but how can a man abandon his own flesh and blood? I'll never understand that. And he was such an wonderful, proud, and loving father before I did what I did.

sufdb....Tfc, your exh has serious mental problems. This is not a normal reaction. I suspect while it may not seem like it, you are far better off than you realize, so are your children. Stable, psychologically healthy people do not abandon their children....ever. Further, this so called infidelity appears more like rape, and you probably should have filed charges when it happened.....you were irresponsible getting drunk, but a drunk woman cannot give consent. Regardless, your H was entitled to a brief time of angry outburst, but he was not ENTITLED to judge you in the way he did. I suspect he did not value the marriage, and may even have been guilty of infidelity himself, and the revelation gave him the means to dump you quickly. But even if it was some kind of dysfunctional pride, that is the kind of person who is extremely full of themself and unsafe. As for being a great father...how so? The children were babies, I doubt very seriously he would have been so great once they had grown enough to challenge him as kids do, and certainly a father of great potential does not (cannot) abandon his kids.

You have beat yourself up way way too much, and for too long tfc. You love a picture, this man is not worthy (never was despite your recollections), he has proven that for a decade. Let it go and have a life, not only you will benefit, but so will your children by having a healthy happy mom.

Tfc you were young and inexperienced in men, you made a bad marital choice. Your exh behavior makes it clear he was not the man you thought he was, despite whatever charm he could turn on. This happens all the time with people, you are lucky to have found out as soon as you did. You got thrown for a loop the last 10 years, but you have plenty of life left, go live it, his loss. I would suggest you tell your daughters the (age appropriate) truth, and do not blame yourself for his choices. He didn't leave because of you....he left because he wanted to. He hasn't neglected his daughters cause of you.....he has neglected them cause he doesn't care about them, he cares more about whatever his agenda is.

I don't think you should bother, but I wonder what he did and who he was with shortly after leaveing you.

ftc:

Hello.

You are certainly welcome here. You have been divorced for 10 years and raising your daughters by yourself. That is hard. Couple that with the tremendous guilt that you are still carrying around (guilt that you should have dealt with and left behind a long time ago) and it becomes a herculean task.

You drank to excess and something happened with another man. This happened once. You are not a whore . . .

Your ex had every right to be mad, to be upset by the very poor choices that you made that evening. He even had the right to end the marriage . . . infidelity is a big thing. He had absolutely no right to abandon his children. Having a lawyer cut a monthly check is a poor excuse for a father.

Do not blame yourself for his refusal to participate in his daughter’s lives. He has had the choice form day one. You have spent a lot of time tracking him down, writing him letters, letting him know that his daughters need him and want to see him. It is entirely his choice to shun his children. And it is a terrible, selfish, and truly evil choice. What have these kids done to deserve abandonment?

You really need to forgive yourself for what happened. There is nothing you can do to change that history. It is over. Examine why it happened, learn from it what you can and leave it where it belongs . . . in the past.

I can understand your reluctance to date. Somehow get (if they don’t already have one) a “father figure” involved in your daughter’s lives. It could be a grandfather, uncle, a friend. The girls need to have a positive male influence in their lives.

This statement bothers me “And he was such an wonderful, proud, and loving father before I did what I did.” Being a wonderful father has nothing to do with anything what one’s wife does . . . it is an entirely separate function. If he really was concerned about being a wonderful father he would still be being one. We wouldn’t be playing some sick and twisted game with his children.

Finally, your daughters will want to know why they don’t have a father. Tell them the truth, something like Mom and Dad fought too much and Dad left. Do not tell them that you had a one-night-stand and their father had some mental deficiencies or misplaced pride so he couldn’t forgive you so he abandoned his family and decided to pretend that his children never existed.

Adult issues are for adults. What happened in your marriage was (and still is) between you and your ex. When your kids are adults you may wish to fill in the details. I suggest that you do not do it now.

Take care.

Thank you all so much for your gracious replies and the welcome to this site.

For the sake of brevity, I left out a lot of details. Although one can never be 100 percent certain of anything in life, I am sure that my husband was never unfaithful to me. And he certainly was not mentally ill. He was a kind and gentle man....a musician, but very shy. I was his "first" also. The years I was married to him were the happiest in my life. Our marriage was perfect in every respect until I destroyed it, I know that sounds cliche but it's true. His only flaw was that he was very insecure about his sexual "prowess". Though I had no one to compare him to, he was a wonderfully tender lover and he satisfied me totally in bed, every time.
I constantly tried to reassure him of that, but I don't think he ever believed me. And when I cheated, that must have been proof positive to him that I was lying. Nothing could be further from the truth, but there was no convincing him. I ripped his heart out, that's all. I'm still in contact with his brother, who is my only source of information about my former husband. My BIL tells me that Randy has not remarried and (to BIL's best knowledge) does not date. My BIL is also at a loss to explain why he abandoned our children, and has tried, on my behalf, to talk to him about it. BIL didn't want to tell me the results of his latest attempt....he tried to show him photos of the girls I had sent BIL. But I "beat" it out of him. Randy tore them up and told his brother, "Tell that whore and her kids to leave me the f*** alone!".

...."her kids"....that really hurt. In the period between my infidelity and his leaving (2 months), he said many times that he didn't believe the girls were his. That, of corse, is easily proven, but he would have none of it.

Regardless, I will wait for him until he remarries, he dies, or I die. I will NEVER cheat on him again.

I have wracked my brain for years trying to understand his behavior. His parents divorced when he was 5 and I know he hated his mother, whom I never met, with a passion, refusing even to attend her funeral. I wonder if she was a cheater and by doing what I did, I became his mother? The part that doesn't add up is that his father remained in his life (and still is), so he's not following in his father's footsteps in that respect. Even BIL won't discuss their childhoods, so their mom must have traumatized him also.

Love My Ex: (I tried that name when I registered!) Thank you, re: God, but I don't believe in God. God wouldn't have allowed my life to become the living hell it is. I do attend church often, but only because my girls enjoy it and I want them to be exposed to it, so they can make up their own minds about religion.

sud: I too think I was very likely raped, but I certainly did put myself in the situation that it could happen. It is the "what ifs" that drive me insane. I should have formally accused him of rape. My police career would have been over (the cop culture of "cops don't rat on cops" and all that nonsense), but my husband might have reacted differently if I had. It would have been a huge gamble...I could easily have wound up with no husband AND no job. But, I regret every day not taking that risk. The cruelest irony of all is that the rotten SOB I cheated with was killed about a year later. If I had known that was he was going to die, I would have held my nose and continued to have sex with him and the whole sordid mess would have been buried with him. I would still have my husband and my girls would still have their father.

Comfortably Numb: My girls are literally the ONLY reason I am alive today. My only purpose in life is to try to give them the best childhoods I can, under the circumstances. Toward that end, I never deny them any activity (sleepovers, etc) where they will have interaction with their friends' fathers. I know how important that is to their development. I have even confided in one particularly nice father about my dilemma and he treats them as his own. They love him and he's a wonderful role model, he's so much like their real dad.

You recommend not telling them the truth until they are in their twenties? They are sure to ask way before that, and anything but the truth is a lie, is it not? That will compound the chances of their hating me. Not only did I destroy their childhoods, but I will have lied about it to them for years to boot. I am sorely tempted to take the coward's way out and just fabricate a story about their dad, and when they are settled and on their own, have a fatal "accident". There is a huge tree on the side of the road near here, that beckons to me every time I pass it. But most likely, I will tell them the whole truth soon and if they hate me....I'll just have to live with it. That tree will still be there 10 years from now. They won't grieve if they hate me.

I'm sorry to be so whiny, I really am a tough person in other aspects of my life. I have arrested many armed felons in my 21 year career. I've been shot at, I've had my jaw broken in two places by a DUI suspect with an iron bar. The situation with my marriage and my daughters is the only thing that makes me cry.

Thanks again everyone. Typing this out and reading your replies makes me feel better, for some reason.

Karen

Karen -
I feel very compelled to post to you, I'm not in the best of shape to offer a lot of advice considering I am about to file for divorce and my H is a serial cheater <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - but you and I are very similar. After my H learned of my affair - he changed to a man very similar to your H. I was a whore, and any chance he could find to make me feel as if the shape of our marriage was my fault he would. I am a person who always tries to do the right thing, so my guilt burdened me for several years. Meanwhile - my H used my affair as a means to justify his behavior - you see it was all MY fault - none of it his. Not to say he pushed me to an affair, because that judgement is my own, but after I explained my reasons & actively sought counseling to discuss what was wrong in our marriage - he wouldn't have any part of it.

How are we similar - it's the guilt. I can tell from your post it is eating you alive. I strongly suggest you seek counseling to deal with your guilt. For me - it was a source of depression - it justified my H's irrational behavior. It took me 1 1/2 years of counseling to finally understand that I had burdened myself unecessarily. Meanwhile - my H, wasn't the picture perfect person I thought he was. Just recently, I was told that he has never been faithful to me. When he found out about my affair, he took it as his personal license to do whatever. I was forgiving of him because I was too depressed to know any better.

You are better off without your H. I don't know what to say about your daughters, as mine is only a toddler, but please go to counseling so that you can deal with this and have some inner peace. I can't even say how I would address my current situation to my daughter right now because I am pretty bitter and just want out. I am sure that once all of my inner peace is restored, I can give an honest answer about who her father was and what happened between us.

(HUGS)
Vee

Even if you decide not to lie to your children, you can be honest. You can tell them that it is a matter between you and their father. And for that matter you yourself are not sure of all the reasons. Even at 18 your girls will be too young and inexperienced (I hope) to judge your behavior and their father’s. The full disclosure would probably only be an added burden.

If they ask you can tell the girls that their father knows that he may see them anytime he wishes, and he knows how to contact them. When they’re adults you can tell them more details.

I agree with the other posters. There is something very odd about his abandonment of you. That is such an extreme reaction even by the standards here. BSs often yell, shout and some get physical. Some even move out for a time. But most do not disappear off the face of the earth when confronted with a one-night stand. And usually only the really nasty spouses disown their children which is basically what your ex tried to do.

I also agree that from the way you describe the ONS you were not able to give consent. And your fellow officer’s subsequent behavior is grounds for a sexual harassment complaint, though I can understand why you may not have wanted to follow through on this.

If you were as drunk as you say, and didn’t even remember the incident, or only remembered it in an haze, you may want to consider contacting a rape crisis center. I know, I know. It was years ago, you’re a strong woman, etc. But look at your situation from your role as a police officer. If you had talked to you the next day, a week later, what would you have told you to do?

I’m sorry if we sound a little skeptical of your ex. MB posters take an extremely dim view of spouses and ex-spouses who abandon their children. Penitent wayward spouses are readily forgiven, but renegade parents are guilty until extenuating circs come to light.
Karen, If that tree keeps beckoning, get help. In the meantime, this is such a nice place. Come and vent here, confess here, whatever. The Kingdom of C is a fun place where we pretend a little and leave our “baggage” at the door. There’s a lot here about the kids, too. And just read the visitation threads! You’ll see the silver lining in your situation.

And you did not ruin your girls’ lives. The two of you caused them so sadness. But he left them. He could have divorced you and lived near by, shared custody 50/50. He robbed them of a father, not you.

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

I am so glad I stumbled across this website.
You wonderful folks have helped me immensely already! I apologize for my disjointed writing style, I am not an educated woman. And if I attribute one person's comments to another person, I'm sorry. I am SO new at this internet business.

One point in particular, made by several of you, astonished me! It really, really IS my former husband's choice not to see his children! While it is certainly ALL my fault that he left us, it is ALL HIS FAULT that he chooses not to see his daughters! For over eleven years now I have been taking the rap for the entire mess. Thanks to you guys, I can finally see that disowning the children is on HIM!

That is SO obvious that you all must be laughing and thinking I'm a total moron not to see it.
But I honestly did not. One of those "can't see the forest for the trees" things, maybe? That's why this site is so helpful to me. As I said earlier, I have no one to talk to in real life about this. I'm so ashamed of what I did, I have never told anyone, not even my mother or my close girlfriend.

greengables said: "If they ask you can tell the girls that their father knows that he may see them anytime he wishes, and he knows how to contact them." How very true! My husband can see his girls anytime, anywhere, and for as long as he wishes. I wonder how many non-custodial parents would jump at a deal like that? Lots, I bet. HE chooses not to, and that is NOT my fault!

One of you mentioned counseling. To be honest, I have always regarded counseling as hokum. I asked myself, "How could any human being, no matter how well educated, alter the reality of what I did, and the consequences we are paying for it?". Well of course they can't change the past for me...that's ridiculous! But maybe a good one can change how I LOOK AT what I did? Just like you guys did earlier. I'm going to seriously consider counseling. I have nothing to lose, that's for sure. It's getting harder, not easier, for me to function as time passes.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied.

Karen

I am so sorry you have had to live like this for so many years. Counseling would definately be a step in the right direction.

I just simply can not understand the father completely abandoning his children. I can't think too highly of any parent that would do that. If he had a problem with you (which I can't understand any one going to that extent),that is one thing ~ but it had nothing to do with his children.

Dear one.
What everyone is writing you is exactly right!
You wrote:
"When they find out that their growing up without a father is totally and completely my fault...."

NO NO NO, it is NOT your fault.
You are NOT responsible for his selfish actions!

Many of us here at this site (myself) are here because we were unfaithful to our husbands. (Or wives.)
And almost every spouse forgave their WS. (Wandering spouse.)

Your husband's reaction is VERY ABNORMAL.
You say he doesn't have a mental problem but he most definitely does.
His lack of being able to forgive you and then to abondon his little girls for all these years is far far far worse than anything you did with that other man when intoxicated!

Dear one, for heaven's sake, it is past time to forgive yourself.
You have lived with guilt FAR TOO LONG.

We are all just ameteur advisors here.
Please see a counselor and they will guide you.

Oh, and if a man asks you on a date.
Accept and have a good time.
You deserve it!
Love, Sarah

Karen - I am a police chaplain and if I can offer assistance I would be glad to speak with you or e-mail you. Trust me, I understand these issues and there is help. Let me know if I can assist. Take care and be careful out there!