I just recently found this website, and this is my first time posting. I don't know where else to turn, and I feel like I'm all "talked" out to my close friends and family.

I was in a relationship that started my senior year of college, and lasted 6 years. We were married in March of 2002, and seperated in May of 2003. We divorced in December. So many things contributed to our marriage failure. We are both from different backgrounds (and countries!), our careers are very demanding, I'm more focused on family, he is on financial security... We have no children, and until recently, lived in two different states.

In March of 2003, right after our miserably unemotional 1 year anniversary, I found out I had cervical cancer. He wasn't there for me, not in the way I needed him to be. He went to the surgery with me, but while he was supposed to take care of me the next two days, he decided to go drinking with friends until 3am.

While all of this was going on, I started confiding in a co-worker whom I had know for about a year. At first it was just great to have some emotional release, then it turned into affection. He and I have a great deal in common, and we both talk to easily to eachother. By end of April I had started the A., and left my H. beginning of May. My H. then tried to work it out, but by then I was emotionally numb to him. My H. took a job back in our hometown, and I stayed behind. My relationship with my A. partner became more serious, we were practically living together by July. I've met his family, he's met some of mine, and we started a "life" together.

My H. didn't want to sign the papers, not until I told him about my new partner. He signed them, and I had them finalized in December. The problem now is, I can't let it all go. I am happy with my new partner, but now I feel like I rushed. My EH and I both talk about giving it another chance, but I want to make sure I go in with little doubt and 100% effort. I am now "hiding" at my parents house, in my hometown state, where I've been for 2 months. I am still in contact with my A. partner, and he wants to build a life together as well - when I'm ready.

So I have been crying and suffering over this for months now, and need to make a decision. Either I try and rebuild my relationship with my EH, and give up totally on my A. partner, or I let the past die, and move forward. I dont know what to do.

Any advise would be much welcomed...

Scuba,

You are not going to like my vote. I vote NEITHER.

Your A partner is NOT a man of particularly high morals as he had no problem being with you while you were married. So you MUST get him out of your life, no matter what.

Your exH had his guts ripped out by you, but realized he wanted you to be happy (my guess as he signed the papers as soon as you told him you had found someone else). He may want you back but he has no knowledge of who you are.

Which brings me to my main point. You don't know who you are. You did rush and frankly made some foolish decisions which were helped by the "fog" you were in during the A. You are still in it now.

It is clear you need to live alone and take care of yourself for awhile, before you might apprciate your ex's focus on finacial security. It is clear you also need to decide on men based on what they bring to your life, NOT what you EXPECT them to bring to your life.

Your story about the cervical cancer is very sad, but on levels you might not appreciate. Sad because you had to endure what you did. Sad, because you may not realize how your H handled the stress of your potential death. You don't get to dictate HOW he will feel or react any more than you would appreciate him telling you to get over it and don't feel sad or threatened.

It seems to me you need to stop, do some growing, and some learning about relationships. I would like to suggest to you the articles on this site. I think you might find them eye opening. They will also give you a better way to evaluate your exH. As for your OM, get rid of him. A man that will date and sleep with a married woman is NOT what you want in a mate. Sorry about that, but he took advantage of your vulnerability.

I think you know he is NOT the man for you or you would not be having trouble with the exH being on your mind. You hurt that man very deeply.

So stop, get yourself and your life in order, then decide what to do with exH.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL,
Thank you for you post and especially your candor. You are right that I dont feel like I know myself very well, especially given I've always been Ms. Planning Everything. I own that I hurt my exH very deeply, there is no doubt there.

When I re-read my post after your response, I realized I omitted a few things that I shouldn't have. To be fair, my exH was going through some depression on his own, and neither of us was dealing with it very well. Then the cancer - so he was not in a good place alltogether. My exH has never been particularly keen on listening, to myself or his family, but he has always tried. He admits he is somewhat arrogant and self-centered, but that is also what attracted me to him at first. His confidence.

The reason why I moved back home to my mother's was to gain some perspective. I've been "taking care" of myself for a long time now, but needed to really get to know myself. It has been very hard so far, but I do think I'm making progress. I want nothing LESS than to hurt my exH again, and I have that top of mind everyday. Now I just need to discover what will make me happy.

I very much appreciated your quote on evaluating my partners on what they will contribute to the relationship, not what I expect them to... Touche.

Thank you again, and look forward to chatting

I agree, neither is worth the trouble. Your affair was out of lust and nothing else. Your husband needs to change if there is anything there for the two of you. And of course you need to change too. I would speculate that there are damages done, and that is a crucial point in trying to reconcile while divorced.

If the two of you want to reconcile I would with marriage counseling. And then sees what happens.

Divorce is not what God wants, but many of us were forced into divorce. I for one was one forced into divorce, and I know that I committed sin with divorce.

Counseling would be a start, and live separately like you two are dating. That is a start with the counseling. Good luck.

Verse in Bible says "A DOUBLE MINDED MAN is UNSTABLE in ALL his ways". Figure out who you want. Sounds like you did for sure rush out of your marriage.

and this is for Faith4Me:
I do love you hon, but PLEASE DO NOT STATE TO ANY MORE HERE THAT :"I committed sin by getting divorced."

I find that rather offensive and personally wrong. I was also one having to get a divorce and I am not held nor bound by my marriage because of the actions of my xh. It's clearly stated in Bible when and why we can divorce. Personally, I couldn't imagine my God of love condemning me b/c I chose to file against a man who was a serial cheater and was mentally and physically abusive to me. Plus can we say he has had absolutely no repentance?

Don't say such dogma. It's wrong. We aren't PUNISHED FOR THE SINS OF OTHERS. Not in the religion I practice ok?

Scuba, JL is right. The answer is neither. There is little point in running back to the old when you don’t know what you want now nor what went wrong then. Usually, the first year is relatively good. Even for me, I had 4 good months before things started to erode.

Spend some time reading. Read Dr. Harley’s books. But also read other stuff. I really liked “Will Our Love Last?” It is counter-MB and I don’t recommend it for people who are trying to save their marriages. But, it’s awesome if you want to analyze a failed relationship and get an understanding of what can enhance your chances of a lasting romance.

Here are the some keys questions:
What do I believe? Why?
What do I value? Why?
What motivated me to do that?
What do I think about this, that and the other?
What do I want from life?
How do I want to live?

These are the big questions. Until you can answer those, you’re playing Russian roulette in romance. I should know. BTDT, got the T-shirt. It took me until I was 32 to really know who I was, and until I was 36 to have the courage to say “I can’t live like that any more. It’s me or thee.”

Greengables,
Thank you for your post. I have been reading articles from the website, and will look for the book you mentioned. The questions you asked are indeed important for me or anyone to get to know themselves. I'm sure upon reading more and taking time for reflection, I will be able to answer them more honestly. At this time, I feel like I want to answer them for how I am feeling today, and see what that reveals to me:

What do I believe?
I believe in the sanctity of marriage and that it takes work to create a healthy and lasting partnership. I believe there can and are traits that change in a person, and you can't know everything about yourself or your partner - changes do occur, you have to try and work through them. I believe I was not a fair partner by not communicating that I was finding my emotional needs met elsewhere before it was too late. I also believe I was not totally at fault with our relationship not working: my biggest fault was giving up and running away, his was not hearing me during our 6 years of day to day conversation. We got caught up in our careers, money, and the fast paced lifestyle we had always surrounded ourselves with. I guess I felt after buying a house he wanted and remodeling it, after moving two times for his career, after getting married the way he wanted to, after agreeing to move to his home country in a couple years, after putting off a family until he wanted: I guess I felt I was tired of compromising, and deserved a little compromise and communication back.

What do I value? Family, appreciation, planning for the future, honest and open communication

What motivated me to do that? After my exH and I discussed having a family for the millionth time in January of 2003, I realized we were really not on the same page at all. I knew he was going through a difficult time at work, but I felt like I was continuing to be taken advantage of because I was always the compromiser in our relationship. I found friendship in someone else, and that lead to intimacy. Once that I had broke trust with my exH, I left immediately because I knew I had ruined any chance of us reconciling.

What do I think about this, that and the other?
Contrary to the general concensus, the OM I formed a friendship with is not a completely immoral person. I do believe people make mistakes, and that we learn from them. I guess the person I don't believe this for is myself. I never have given myself a second chance. I don't take blame off of him for taking advantage of my vulnerability, but I take the blame for even bringing the situation into being. I believe I have done a very awful thing, something I never thought was in my personality to do so. I just want to feel better about my life, and make decisions that will lead to a healthier happier life.

What do I want from life?
To like myself again, and not need a parnter to make me feel whole. I want a family of my own more than anything. I want to eventually be in a relationship where my partner and I agree on kids, communication, money matters, and eachtother.

How do I want to live?
Honestly, and without a great deal of regret. I want to be fair to myself, my family and my friends.

But, Scuba, I meant far beyond marriage! Think more globally. What do you believe about life? What do you value in life? Because while what you think, believe and value in a relationship is important, the other values count too. And even two people who believe in the sanctity of marriage can find that their other values are too different.

So, what did you decide about the men? Are you going to take our advice and drop both?

Welcome to the world of being an adult. Our choices dictate who we are and what we are perceived as being. I don't believe that we act too outside of our typical morals and base character. I have heard the "I never thought I would do this." so many times on this page.

I don't condemn you, however, your choices as an adult have led to your current situation and emotions. There is no magic bullet. There is no 'way' to make you feel better, because you will always live with your choices. Your ex will always live with his choices as well. How well you do will be your choice to change that behavior and learn.

Personally I think you are a fool if you think that you could have a relationship with your lover. I can't think of anyone I would want LESS than a person who knowingly had an affair. What about him do you think would allow you to trust him ever again. Whether you can be trusted will be determined by your actions, but you KNOW that you cannot control anyone else, and he has already proven that he cannot live a moral life and make sound relationship based decisions.

Just my thinking. Your ex had his part, but I don't hear that as your concern. What I hear now is that you are worried about you and your future, as you should be. Now you must ask yourself, knowing what you know NOW about YOU. Are you someone who is worthy of trust from another. And KNOWING what you know NOW about your lover... is he?

You say you don't want to rush... there is no word that describes having an affair during marriage. That isn't just RUSH... that is a whole different LEVEL where 'rushing' is down the spectrum a bit. Rushing would be divorcing and seeing someone right off. At least in my opinion.

Welcome to the world of being an adult. Our choices dictate who we are and who we are perceived as being. I don't believe that we act too far outside of our typical morals and base character. I have heard the "I never thought I would do this." so many times on this page.

I don't condemn you, however, your choices as an adult have led to your current situation and emotions. There is no magic bullet. There is no 'way' to make you feel better, because you will always live with your choices. Your ex will always live with his choices as well. How well you do will be your choice to change that behavior and learn.

Personally I think you are a fool if you think that you could have a relationship with your lover. I can't think of anyone I would want LESS than a person who knowingly had an affair. What about him do you think would allow you to trust him ever again. Whether you can be trusted will be determined by your actions, but you KNOW that you cannot control anyone else, and he has already proven that he cannot live a moral life and make sound relationship based decisions.

Just my thinking. Your ex had his part, but I don't hear that as your concern. What I hear now is that you are worried about you and your future, as you should be. Now you must ask yourself, knowing what you know NOW about YOU. Are you someone who is worthy of trust from another. And KNOWING what you know NOW about your lover... is he?

You say you don't want to rush... there is no word that describes having an affair during marriage. That isn't just RUSH... that is a whole different LEVEL where 'rushing' is down the spectrum a bit. Rushing would be divorcing and seeing someone right off. At least in my opinion.