Hi friends,
I started dating a wonderful Christian guy a few months ago. Things started to get serious, and we were even thinking of marriage. But I discovered that I haven't totally healed from my divorce, which will be a year in March. I really hate that I broke this guy's heart, but I suddenly realized that God is still working on me, and that I am just not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Anybody else experience this, and what should I do now????
KK

kk2002 - I would just continue to be friends with this guy. Nothing else, and be honest with him. That you are still searching for yourself. Your life with God, your life in this world. And just state, that this is a time for us to separate if need to. Or we could just be good friends, and that is it for now. Say your honest feelings about him, and be honest with needing time. You should not even start dating until a year after the divorce or even 2 years. As far as I am concerned, I will wait the 2 years or more. I want to have GOD 1st in my life, before anything else. Then a degree, and a good job, that I can support myself, and give to my childern, as they are growing up in their adults years. I want to beable to say to my children, I would like to help you in some way. What is your utmost need right now. If it is companionship, then I would like to beable to take time to be with them, and help them by taking time off work and being there to help in anyway I can. If they have children, I would like to be there to help with the newborn baby, and give mom and dad a rest. My life is there for God, my children, and to act according to God plans.

So I would just sit down with him, maybe at a nice little dinner at home, or sitting on the couch, and even put it on paper on how you would like to conduct this conversation. You can tell him how much you really love him. But don't put if you love me you will wait for me. Just say, the option is there for you to leave anytime. I just need Gods will in my heart 100% before I make another committment in my life to someone else, I don't want to hurt anyone in this world. And so I am being honest with you in saying that I need to seek GODs path.

Dating before you are divorced for a year is way too soon, and I feel you are vulnerable and will get hurt. The guy sounds nice, but you need to find yourself totally first.

Just my opinion. I am not looking for any relationship right now. I did at one time, things have changed since I have given my life more and more to God. He has made me much calmer now, and I know I will make it. I may not beable to have some things that I wanted, but God may not want me to have these things anyway.

Take your time, and enjoy the sun, wind, dirt and water of the earth.

dear Faith4me,
Thanks so much for that thoughtful reply. You had so many great things to say. I have sat down with him, and let him know what's on my mind. It was really hard to do, because I'm not totally certain what I'm feeling. But, I do know I'm not ready. Yes, right now I want God to be "my all in all" and I want to lean totally on him. Until I do that, I will not be emotionally ready for a new relationship. Yes, I do try to deal with my kids' problems and needs, and they do need my devoted attention right now. I need to "find" the new me, and I agree with you, that it will take some time. Being single right now is good, and has some really positive points.
Thanks again, Faith.
KK

Thank you so much for bringing this up.

I have not slept all night because I have been thinking about the same issue. i am so fortunate that my BF is being so wise and patient with me. i tend to be impulsive and it's been so long since i felt loved that i couldn't wait to see him again...you think i would know better, seeing as that was exactly what I did in this marriage....i recognize that this is exactly what i need to do, hard as it is...3 years - i think i can wait a little while longer. i know i have a lot of work to do, but it is easy when the love you feel makes you want to be a better person. i won't ask him to wait, cuz that is not fair, but i have a feeling that if he has been hanging in for this long, he will be there when it is right. so first things first...call the atty Monday and put one foot in front of the other.

I will be praying for you, Woshoa. God bless you as you make your decisions. I feel like I've learned a huge lesson in what's happened with me and this fellow. When people hand out advice on this board....listen to them! They have been there, and know what they're talking about.
Take care.
KK

KK..

I know how you feel. My xh remarried OW two weeks after judge signs papers. But we'd been separated a year and a half.

So I had started to live on my own and do that first. Didn't date during that time. As I was a married woman. Meanwhile my xh shacked up with OW.

So I am dating now and going slow. Turned down offer to go shopping in Paris with a very cute guy that I know from college. And have had a few others as well.

It's hard but you will know when the time is right. I am glad I didn't date during my separation because I got my head clear. I couldn't possibly imaging marrying somebody tomorrow or as soon as my x did moving in with OW after our almost decade long relationship. That's just not smart.

I'd take it slow with this guy. He did not cause your divorce and yea, it's you needing to heal more. What I didn't hear was that you wanted to date others. Personally, there are a few right now who COULD possible morph into a Mr. Right for me. But I would feel trapped right now if I tried to date one seriously. My thoughts is that you might need to date a few more and then see how you feel and give it time. Yes, you need healing, but you also need to feel free as you were married for a very long time. I didn't know how to be a single woman for the first year.

I didn't.

But now I am loving it. Yea, I am loving it. And I have no shame about that as I have the grace knowing I did all I could have done in my marriage and God's blessing for a good and new life oneday in the future with the guy really meant for me.

Maybe you felt trapped and that you were getting right back into something serious that you weren't ready for. I think your relationship broke up maybe because of just bad timing. He sounds like a wonderful man and I hope you can eventually work it out. He might be the one for you or he might not be. Personally, any guy I've dated has seemed like a prince compared to my xh...Just be true to yourself.

Am praying for you. You're doing great.

This is something I am struggling with right now. My divorce will be final in 2 weeks. I have already been asked out twice & refused both times b/c I am technically still a married woman.

It is so tempting though, just to not be alone if nothing else. Especially since my WH spends so much of his freetime with the OW.

But, I know the right thing to do & I must stick to it. I am not ready & it's not fair for me to drag someone else into it.

Thanks for the reminder.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your reply, Just Peachy.
You sound like you are doing well. I was healing nicely myself until this little detour I took. I guess it dug up some hidden hurts, etc. that I am still getting over. Anyways, God practically hit me over the head with the old 2x4 and told me I'm not ready, no way no how. I have a long ways to go, and I want to be happy. No more of this premature pain/healing stuff.
Yes, I will date more in the future, maybe a few more years.
Thanks again. Hope you continue to do so well!
KK

LoJay,
You are wise to wait for a while. It is very tempting, and it can feel very nice to be cherished and loved again, but it only makes the hurt go away for a little while.
Take care of yourself.
KK

KK,

Just wanted to say Hi - don't have anything to say on the topic. I just stopped in here to see if I still knew anyone. How are you? and the kids?

My husband came home in December and things are going much better than I expected. We had lived apart for 57 months!!! God is good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Blessings,

D.

Dear WGTT!
Wow! What a testimony! God has really blessed you, and it is SO good to hear of the success of your marriage.

The kids and I are doing very well. My teaching job is going great, and the kids are loving school this year. We are still waiting to get child support, and I have a lawyer friend at church helping me now. Thanks for asking, and glad your recovery is going well. I am recovering also, as a single person, and I'm learning to appreciate and enjoy it.
Take care!
KK

Y'know, saying that "before a year" or any time period for that matter is a bit odd. It's a great guideline... but everyone is different and moves at their own pace.

Regardless of when you start dating, I would suggest <tosses in my two cents> that you realize you're a wreck and have as much fun as you can possibly have for the first several "relationships". Feel free to define "fun" under whatever the moral context of your own beliefs are. Here's the plain and simple fact... if YOU DO NOT DATE a bit, when you get into a serious relationship you are going to wonder if it's too soon AND so will your significant other. I got engaged on Feb. 11th and I take considerable comfort from the fact that both me and my fiance dated other people before we met. It nullifies concerns about rebound and each time, you become a little less of a wreck and a little more clear about what you want in a relationship.

Have fun! I still chuckle when I remember this one date where my date wanted a kiss goodnight and I hopped out of her car and left because during the date she had so many red-flags going off it was like a fireworks show! (chuckles as I remember it...) I remember another date that was so magical that I couldn't let her go... and after many more dates, she is now my fiance.

Concerns about the divorce are going to linger... but your own feelings about those concerns do and will change with time. So, you met a great guy right of the bat! WTG. That's awesome. That means you got it going on girl! And hey, so does he! After all, he captured your interest... he'll capture someone else's interest.

Rinse and repeat till you find something that works and that you can believe in.

I started dating immediately after I filed for the divorce. Never regretted it. That man had killed any remnant of love I had for him, LONG before I left him. Reconciliation was NEVER in my mind as even a remote possibility.

It's been 7 months.

Now in love with a wonderful man. Great conversation, lots in common, and MY GOODNESS! how he kisses!