I posted a few days ago but this elabortes my situation ...
My husband and I have been married for about a 1 ½ years. During our brief (10 mos) courtship and for almost the first year, he traveled 4, 5 and sometimes 6 days per week. Sometimes he wouldn&#8217;t be home for two or three weeks. Then, last May, he lost his job and has been at home ever since. I had a lot of resentment built up before he lost his job as I didn&#8217;t feel he was contributing to our &#8220;partnership&#8221;, financially and emotionally. I retaliated by emotionally blocking him (me exercising my &#8216;power&#8217 [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] and criticizing him more than I probably should. I excused my behaviour by saying I was &#8220;trying to help him become a better person&#8221;. (I do know what I did/do isn't right, but that's another issues...) He countered by becoming seemingly spineless, which made me lose respect for him even more. There is virtually no physical relationship now because of this drift.<p>Now, with him being out of work for 8 months and not making as much of an effort as he should be, I have really lost a lot of respect for him. He says I&#8217;m constantly telling him what to do. I counter that if he would simply take some initiative and do things, instead of doing nothing, I wouldn&#8217;t have to give him suggestions all the time. You can imagine the remainder of that conversation. I really think that in each relationship there is a stronger partner, one who is able to make decisions and do what needs to be done. I see that with my friends and family. I&#8217;ve had this discussion with girlfriends whose husbands are seeming carbon copies of mine. The ones that succeed have a driving force partner in the relationship. I am that partner in our relationship. I feel that if I left it up to him we would just flounder in this abyss of a relationship now. Are we destined to fill in these roles of the &#8220;lazy husband&#8221; and the &#8220;nagging wife&#8221;? <p>My H has always asked me what to do on everything, from what to wear, to where to put something. Some of the questions are so inane! Is this just a husband thing? I think a horrible pattern has emerged, where he started asking so many questions (all the time!!!!!) so I anticipated this pattern and gave him suggestions as to eliminate any doubt he might have had. Just yesterday, we were out on errands and he had prepared a list of places to get a part for an appliance we have that needs repair. I (innocently) asked if he had called these businesses to see if they carried the part so we didn&#8217;t needlessly drive all over. His response was a terse &#8220;why don&#8217;t you call?!&#8221; I was shocked and told him I couldn&#8217;t understand why he was so peeved at my question. He then started in on the &#8220;me always telling him what to do&#8221; bit. I told him that it only seemed logical that he would call the shops to see if they could indeed help us, and since it was his project, he would have made those calls. &#8220;So now you&#8217;re calling me illogical?&#8221; came his reply. Downward spiral from there. Aaaaaarrrrrgh!<p>I&#8217;ll admit that I am somewhat of a control freak and the manager for my office. I also know that if I want something done right, I usually have to do it. I&#8217;ve have had enough therapy and insight into myself to know that my spin on this uses the word &#8220;suggestion&#8221; in place of something potentially less flattering, but I&#8217;m really looking for some help from some of you who might have gone through the same thing. <p>I absolutely want to work on this and work it out, but I also need to have a sense that things are moving forward, not just vacillating. We have plans for a family and I have a biological clock ticking . . . so I feel I can&#8217;t wait forever for him to get his act together. Sorry to be so long and seemingly rambling . . . your counsel, insight and experiences are appreciated!

Yikes! It sounds pretty tense around your place!
Yep, a lot of what's going on is a "guy thing".
What I discovered is that a woman's lack of respect really hits a man where he lives. It sounds like maybe you have ripped all his self-confidence right out of him. He won't be able to regain that until you start relating to him differently.
Because I don't have much time here, I'm going to get straight to it.
You need to realize that you have caused a lot of his (and your) misery. You need to help him get back his self-respect. How?(you ask)
Treat him like an intelligent human being. Ask HIS opinion once in a while and then accept it. Do some things his way. Watch your facial expression (don't roll your eyes) and tone of voice. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. If he asked you stupid questions (like what to eat at a resturant), answer him as if he was your boss or a client, not the village idiot.
QUIT NAGGING! If everything he does & thinks is wrong, he won't do anything at all. Keep your mouth shut about his job search (or lack of). Try going an entire day without picking at him. Then try for two. Treat him as if he is the way you wish he was.
Okay, that's it for wisdom. I gotta pick kids up for school!

If I didn't know better, I'd think that you have been living at our house, linbap! I have to admit to so many of the things that you tell me not to do, and while I may care to think that I didn't need to hear your advice, I know I desperately needed to hear your advice! I admit it. There are some days that I get up and pray, pray, pray, that I'll be able to hold my tongue. I did try last night to be "nicer" and got a great reward from him for the first time in over a month! :-) There are some issues from my past that definitely influence my behaviour but you're right about all you said. I needed to hear it and own up to my part in all of this. OK, I'll give it a day, then try for two, then three ... Thank you so very much for your words. I posted on the prayer board and truly believe your words were my answer. Have a wonderful day!<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: missellee ]</p>

I'm glad you got rewarded! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Although my husband is pretty darned strong willed and usually treats me like the idiot, sometimes he asks me such stupid questions! When we were really having a rough time, I found myself looking at him and thinking, "you big jerk" and getting really impatient and condecending when he'd ask me something like, "what do I want to eat?". How the heck do I know???? I know that even if I tried to answer nicely, my face probably gave me away.
I've learned, too, over the past 14 years, that nagging him only made things worse. I realized this when I was thinking about some of the stuff he said to me. It was as if he thought if he didn't ride me about something, it would never get done. Then I'd get all stubborn and not want to do it at all.
It got so that we were defensive the minute we were in the same room. We couldn't talk about anything or share how we felt about anything without getting into a fight. Of course, I was pretty sure it was all HIS fault, after all, I was as close to perfect as you can get, and well...he wasn't...
Looking at how baddly we behave can be very hard and it takes time to break bad habits, but it really is worth it. He may never realize what you are doing for him (by helping him to re-build his self image)but you'll be a better person and have a happier marriage for it.
It sounds like you're off to a good start!
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Hi,<p>Is what you are talking about called CONTROL!!??? It seems to me that there is always one person in a marriage that seems to take CONTROL so that things can get done. <p> I understand completely about making the list and then "letting your fingers do the walking!!"<p>My assignment, should I choose to take it------ is to NOT CONTROL the situation!!<p>This is what the counselor has told me to do!!<p>HELP [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] What I KNOW SO FAR IS THAT I MUST NOT roll my eyes, talk DOWN to my H,or try to solve all of the problems!!<p>Does this sound like MISSION IMPOSSIBLE???<p>Somebody please send me a roll of duc tape!!!<p>Always & Forever<p>PSS H is WS, I am BS. H is now saying that he is moving out of the OW house (just 10 miles down the road) Meanwhile I live 25 miles away!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Duct tape - I hadn&#8217;t tried that one before. Maybe if I added the sunglasses to hide my rolling eyes... One thing that I&#8217;m trying is to tug on my cross necklace every time I&#8217;m in the situation where I feel the natural response would be the sarcastic, condescending one. My husband gave me that cross last V-day and I wear it all the time to remind me that the Lord brought us together. If He could make the awesome sacrifice He did, couldn&#8217;t I hold my tongue this once? OK, it&#8217;s only been a few days, but so far, so good. <p>On the control issue, I heard a great interview with a woman on our local Christian talk radio station a few months ago. The woman described herself as a total control freak and decided to try to give total control of a date night to her husband. He could pick the time, restaurant, the food ordered, the movie, even what she would wear. Well, she said that they were just backing out of the driveway, when she had already figured out where they were going and she was giving him instructions on the best way to get to the restaurant! At the restaurant, her husband ordered just what she wanted. No small miracle since she had been giving him so many &#8220;hints&#8221; as to what she wanted! <p>I&#8217;m now working on the control thing and taking linbap&#8217;s advice about asking my husband&#8217;s opinion and accepting it. <p>On something not entirely unrelated - I&#8217;m confused on some of the acronyms used, like WS and BS, for starters. I figured out OW, but there are a number of other ones out there that have completely mystified me. <p>All the replies are so very helpful!! Good support!!! Thanks.
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Missellee, how's that control thing going? When you think you're going to lose it, read the book of James. It's that icky one that deals with the tongue and how awful we are at controling it. (Geez that book is depressing....I mean convicting!) [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

You know, the control thing is going pretty well. I took your advice and am seeing my H as I want him to be, and I've held my tongue on a lot of occasions. I got some nice shelves in my work room out a result of asking his opinion! I have to say that there are a lot more smiles and less tension around our house. <p>I was also able to talk to some friends without saying anything negative about him! <p>I'll check out James on my lunch hour today. <p>Thanks!