My wife and I are headed for divorce and I don't understand why she wants to be around me, send caring emails, etc. A short rundown, we separated around thanksgiving and she found an apt around Jan 1 and started moving things into there. While she had the A, I know many of the mistakes I made to bring that about. Through the concurrent death of my grandma, I did some Plan A and then went to Plan B for self-preservation. I'm doing alright and see all that I have learned from this and have grown much closer to God as a result. It has been the hardest and best searson of my life.

Nonetheless. She continues to say that she wants a divorce and doesn't want the responsibility of a house or a dog. She wants to discover herself and live on her own and really grow as a woman. Ok fine. We have been separating our stuff, getting the paperwork going, and have been treating each other with the utmost respect. But for some reason she thinks we will stay very good friends after this. For example, she's coming over tonight to talk about divorce, but wants to walk the dog together. Continues to show interest in how my ailing grandparents are doing. Why? Why? Why? I'm working on detaching from her completely, we are getting divorced after all, she won't be my responsibility anymore, and want to only see her in the future on chance encounters.

Why does she continue to seek divorce but want to keep me on the hook as well. It is hard and confusing.

RTRC,

I can't say why your wife does what she does, but from what I have learned with my XH, it is because they are confused ("the fog" gets 'em). Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say your wife still loves you. My XH told me he loved me, as well as his OP. I had a hard time digesting that for a while, but know that there were parts of our relationship (i.e., kids, stability, history, etc.) that he loved, as well as the new relationship with the OP (excitement, newness, a chance to "start over).

Perhaps your STBXW wants to be connected with you as "friends" because she feels the guilt of hurting you. This is just a guess, but I've seen it with my X many, many times. It's hard not to get "sucked back in", and you sometimes will go in your heart and mind to "what ifs". I know for me, it's just a whole lot better to remain in the now, and stay real. I still love my XH, but I am in love with the "old" person...the one he was before, not the person he now is. Keeping that in mind keeps my head in the game and I'm mindful that we couldn't resurrect anything, because I've come too far, and he hasn't changed.

Anyway, don't know if that will help you at all, but just from my experience, and what I've read here on the site, I'd say it is a pretty safe bet that your STBXW is having a twinge of doubt about her decision.....

Skippie thanks for the ideas.

She has many doubts running around her right now. Living on her own doesn't have greener grass like she thought it would. She said, "This is much harder than I expected, it wasn't supposed to be this way".

I'm pretty content though with where my life is going and I feel slightly guilty for feeling ok about the upcoming Dv. It is hard not to get sucked back in, that is for sure. I don't have much problem with "what ifs" about the past. Its the ones in future that are hard. I just continue to believe God has something better for me planned in the future and cling to it as many of his other promises.

RTRC,

I think you're in a positive frame of mind about things. In fact, if you want to look at it this way...I think YOU'D be more in a position of keeping things as "friends" if you chose to do so somewhere down the line.

The good news for you comes on two levels: 1. You have been married a relatively short period of time and you are still young; 2. I don't see that you have any children when I view your profile. Still, no matter who goes through it, when you do it, or how many times you have to, my opinion is that divorce s***ks. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It makes you feel like someone has died, but yet (and this is especially if you have kids) you still continue to see this person after the "death" of the relationship. When children are involved, both people have to remain somewhat civil to one another.

I know what you mean about the "grass not being greener". My XH's girlfriend moved back to her home shortly before Christmas. He has come to some very painful realizations with regard to the divorce that he wanted, and has had to swallow his words, "There are consequences to your actions". He still tries to maintain some contact with me (and my boundaries aren't respected on occasion), by suggesting we eat together, do things with the kids, etc. Most times I make it so I am busy, but there are times....that I do the "what if" thing, which for me is a lot harder where we have two children, and were married for 14 years.

Anyways, I echo your sentiment about God having a plan. I'm not sure what His plan is for me yet, but I know it's way better than what I've been doing for a while now. Take care of you, and I wish you the best of luck...

Skip

I agree she may be having second thoughts. But mainly she wants her freedom and space and independence and no responsibility or commitment AND still wants the feelings of love, friendship and security she gets from being with you. Wanting to have her cake and eat it too...?

Good for you for keeping such a positive frame of mind.

By the way, it is when you have come to accept the death of your marriage and are ready to move on that they often suddenly decide they want you back. A nice icing on the cake if you ask me...typical of their selfish behavior. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't doubt that she's having some major second thoughts!

Riding..

Don't make this more complex than it really is.

She feels guilt for her actions and feels obliged to make sure you are doing ok...tempering her guilt somewhat.

I have been divorced 3 yrs now, and the WS still calls me or emails me to wish me happy birthday and other now meaningless(to her) occasions; to see that I'm doing ok, and yet not too good if you know what I mean. Does not want to think she made a bad choice and could have had a better life if she stayed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is when you have come to accept the death of your marriage and are ready to move on that they often suddenly decide they want you back.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TRUE....BEEN THERE....DOING THAT....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She feels guilt for her actions and feels obliged to make sure you are doing ok...tempering her guilt somewhat......Does not want to think she made a bad choice and could have had a better life if she stayed.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TRUE too....doing it also.

Specifics of situations are different, but generally WS end up coming out of the fog eventually and seeing the "consequences of their actions".

skip

Ridingtherollercoaster - how's it going? Any changes?

Thanks ladies and gentlemen, you hit the nail squarely on the head. She came over last night and we talked a bunch (in her mind it was likely the best talk we have ever had, aka all I did was listen and empathize. See you can teach an old dog new tricks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . And yes it was only after I'd accepted the death of the M and am willing to move on that she begins to reconsider.

Anyway. She's really overwhelmed with remorse and regret and worried about the stigma of being a divorcee. She said she has a long list of things I was doing wrong but a short list of things she tried to work on or fix. She feels like she bailed without trying. Well, that's what she did. She is definitely reconsidering where she's going and wants the security that I provided. And her counselor has got her thinking about things that were good about me (stable, responsible, good future father material, etc.) As if that is not enough, her parents are only in support of reconciliation and she feels their love is conditional on that and church attendance. She said it would be easier on her if I would condemned her and sent her away with no hope for reconciliation.

Yeah it's all messed up. For me, I think I knew this day would come. It is very hard to watch the tears roll and see the pain in her face. I don't want her to hurt and I still love her, but not romantically and not as a wife anymore. I mean she hasn't been for some months and has let me know in no uncertain terms that I was history. I was moving forward without regret because I believed I had given my all since D-Day to work for us and because there wasn't any future for me...BUT now I am spending a little time reconsidering. Not much though. I'm comfortable and stable.

She says crazy things "I didn't intend to unpack all the boxes at my apt, because I thought I'd be moving back [to the house] soon." Well I've never heard anything like that before. I was always just dogs**t before. Now she's coming over tomorrow to pick up some painting supplies to paint her friends nursery. Fine, but I don't really want to get into anything with her.

Thank you all for your input and concern.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yeah it's all messed up. For me, I think I knew this day would come. It is very hard to watch the tears roll and see the pain in her face. I don't want her to hurt and I still love her, but not romantically and not as a wife anymore. I mean she hasn't been for some months and has let me know in no uncertain terms that I was history. I was moving forward without regret because I believed I had given my all since D-Day to work for us and because there wasn't any future for me...BUT now I am spending a little time reconsidering. Not much though. I'm comfortable and stable.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RTRC...
This quote of yours brings to mind something my XH said when his GF was still here: "Where you focus is where you'll go." They give us NO OTHER CHOICE but to focus OUT. Then, when they see we're "OK" with everything, and have come to a passive acceptance of "this is how my life is going to be", that's when they come back to their senses. Almost as fast as when you see the lightbulb come on in cartoons. A strange yet true phenomenon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says crazy things "I didn't intend to unpack all the boxes at my apt, because I thought I'd be moving back [to the house] soon." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I first filed last February, and my then STBX moved out...I didn't take his name off our joint checking account. In fact, I had so much hope that we'd reconcile, that I didn't remove it until after the final hearing in November. Everybody does crazy, passive stuff when they're hoping...

RTRC...I wish you all the best in your journey. Keep the faith!

skip

What is probably happening here is that the OM has either dumped her or has made it clear that he has no intention of marrying her. Reality has hit her in the [censored].

Frankly, I am quite irritated with the continued and utter selfishness of wayward spouses. The way they decide at their convenience and totally based on selfish motives that they want to come back AFTER the BS starts finally moving on...it makes me want to scream! It like it's just a continuation of their previous self-centeredness.

However, in good conscience, I do have to say that maybe, and that's a big maybe, you should keep an open heart and mind, because despite all of that, this is what you've been hoping and praying for. And just maybe, this is God moving.

I know how hard this is right now, and how confused you must feel...

It's going to be OK.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The way they decide at their convenience and totally based on selfish motives that they want to come back AFTER the BS starts finally moving on...it makes me want to scream! It like it's just a continuation of their previous self-centeredness.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith...I agree with you 110% on that one. But also agree that MAYBE....one just never knows the power when we leave things to God instead of trying to handle them ourselves...

RTRC, you seem to me to be a strong and determined person, and you sound like you'll be OK either way. This is where I think I'm heading also, so is the reason I see it in you.

skip

RTRC,

This sounds similar to my story. With the exception that I WANT desperately to save the marriage! (Maybe that is because of the kids) And she is definitely undecided on what she truly wants. We still live in the same house, and she keeps threatening to move out, but hasn't yet. The part that struck me the most is how her parents don't support her decisions! My WS family says the same thing, only if...Back to God, reconcile. This is extremely difficult for me for two reasons: 1. she uses it against me. (like I created the mess)
2. I can't stand to see the hurt in her eyes as she laments not having seen or spoken to her brother, sister and new nephew since Dec.
These are consequences of her actions, but she doesn't accept the reponsibility for them.
The guilt for her must be absolutely exhausting! Couple that with the fact that she is still seeing OM, and Voila! we cannot progress toward fixing the marriage. And she thinks it's ok to talk to OM. (If I had feelings for you it wouldn't matter.) Wrongo Keebler!

Anyway, didn't mean to hi-jack your thread. Sorry and thanks for letting me vent.


good luck to you, and God Bless you,

r0uter

Your comments continue to be right now...are you guys clarevoyant or something. But several things have stuck with me.

1. Reconciliation of the marriage was something I had hoped and prayed for, but not so much any more. I had come to the point where the only future for me was hangin out with the dog. So I've made a good life of it. I'm married to the Lord right now. Yet, I doubt that I would be even worried about or considering her feelings if I didn't have an open heart/mind to what God wants to do with me.

2. Selfish-ness of coming back at the last minute. Yeah it has an unusual cruelty to it that I was putting my life back together and was determined not to let her A or this Dv destroy me. I guess I am a little determined and rugged. The tears are the hard part, who can't have a soft spot in their heart for someone they loved in pain.

3. I can't say what the status of OM is and frankly don't care. She's not my responsibility any more. The pain, lies, and transgressions against me, dog, and the M in pursuit of OM have steeled my heart to pain she can inflict. I can reach out from behind the wall with a hand of love but she can't really get in.

It should be an interesting weekend here in the great white north with all the new snow. It's March doesn't that mean it's spring time?

Best wishes to all for a good weekend.

Like I said before, though, this COULD be God working, doing what you've prayed for for so long.
I don't want you to miss out on that if that's the case. But boy do I understand how you feel. I'm right there with you!

I'm jealous of your snow! I grew up here in FL - no snow for me!

RTRC, It is interesting that I finally make the decision to start visiting this group and yours is the first message I read here.

My WW also thinks we should be some kind of friends. That is hard for me to do as she has left me for another man. And she made it very clear that our marriage is over.

Personally, I am not so sure. I still love her and I wait for God to make his will for me known. However, I also am growing more comfortable with the single life, and I am starting to feel that if the marriage is dead, it is best to bury it and get on with life. Time will tell which side will win!

One of my biggest fears is that WW will come to her sense to late, that I will have already lost the desire to me married to her. That would be an unfortunate outcome. So I wait for God's will to be known.

Justin
Your post reads like my current life's story. Ugg. Just like you say you are beginning to settle into the single life knowing how to handle your days/nights and beginning to thrive.

What's your situation like? How long have you been struggling under this? God will provide you with strength and growth if we only submit to his will.

Keep strong in the faith.

Please don't read anything into her WORDS. Listen instead to her ACTIONS.

And I resound the poster who wrote about how the x's want to ease their guilt by feeling that we're ok after all of this but not too ok or else we'd be positively happy.

Exactly the same here. When he found out I am happy, suddenly he's buying tickets for circus in club section and then trying to "get together to discuss finances" when it can be accomplished via phone or internet or combo of both as done in past. He was beginning to become Wayward again and did so with Monkeyho, not me.

They can't deal with the happiness part. We're supposed to be wearing sackcloth, crying constantly, unable to focus or get on with our lives. It's almost insulting to them that we get on with it.

She is possibly dumped by OM but don't count on it. My xh said same stupid stuff about movig back in and even gave a date of when he'd do it. I remember that date coming and going and him NOT going to the conference for MB like he promised he would.

Keep doing exactly as you are. Nothing basially. But you're doing a killer job of mirroring her fog back at her by listening and just agreeing. I would do this equation and our conversations would be "best ever we had (according to xh)"...Agree with her about her points of whatever point she is attempting to make. Then say that "now you make a really good point about...(throw in dose of truth and reality here)...so that she has to agree. Say it as though she is already in agreement with your words btw..And then end by saying something very foggy just like the crapola she'd toss your way...I would love to talk to you honey, but I am meeting some of my buddies out to do some male bonding ok? Gotta go."

This is called fogging the fogger. They see you doing anything but LB'ing. You actually get them to agree wtih you and the truth by telling them you know they really understand it. And then you divert their fog and say that you might yourself be entering the fog too!

X's who are reconsidering coming home respond to this well. They think you're starting to get a life and might be even going out too. Hey, they're gone. You might as well start on that new life they so badly want you to have. But then that's when the waffling begins...Alas, mine is cheating again on new W. He started trying to get contact and now after his partner's wife and I are friends again, he seems to be falling into his old mode of cheating and leaving and running...

Sorry didn't give the "fogging the fogger" equation clearly enough.

Here is the equation:
WS: I am glad you've understood finally why I am so happy now and better off with OM/OW and that you accept it. (or another foggy statement can be placed here.
BS: Sure I do. I see it absolutely your way. But you know deep down that I understand this b/c you're just glad to be seeing OP and the truth is crappy...but "it is what it is".
You've got to admit that part right?
WS: so...about the finances (0r anything else here btw)
BS: Hon, I'd love to be able to just sit down and give you hours and would love to do that later on, but I've got to go. I am meeting the girls out as it's "girls' night" and you know what that means...call me soon and let's pick up where we left off ok?

They will steam and stew in their poo. This has always worked like a charm for me. Still does when I want to obtain something or have something work in my favor even with extremely limited contact. YOu are literally mirroring the foggy people when you do this and they "get it".