Hello to all,

I am new here to MB and truly appreciate any advice or recommendations. I hope I posted to the correct forum, please inform.

I will ask that you visit my post at the DivorceBusting.com Message Boards.

It is under the forum for Newcomers titled
14 Yrs, 2 kids, W wants out

Hope this link works:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbth...=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1

If not I will try and post my sitch a little later, but basically, W asked for sep. in beginning of Dec. 03, I discovered affair in Jan., confronted her on Feb. 5th, she admitted to it, I asked her to leave, which she planned on doing anyway (she had appt. to look @ apartment the next day)

It for now. Thanks for any help!

Joe

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello to all,

Haven't got the abbreviations down yet so please bare with me. Also, I originally posted this in the " I need support" forum, Subject: W wants out after 14 years.

W wants to leave, but hasn't. This has been going on since about the 1st week of December, then on christmas eve she said she wanted to stay and that her desire for a separation was a cover up for something else. Guessing i'm a bit gullable? Well, her true intentions are for a separation but she doesn't have a plan in place and is still living here and I don't know what to do. I've done and said all I could to convince her that she needs to be here with me but we also have 2 children ages 13 & 11.

This has been a stable and loving home always, but we've struggled a bit w/ finances for a few years due to us living in a home we can no longer afford, but didn't want to give up. There's been no major arguments or anything and no mental, physical, alcohol or drugs abuse.

She hit me with this all of a sudden but had been thinking about it for several months.

I have asked her to move out, but because she has no plan and also the children don't know her desires, I said she could stay and I'll just deal with it.(Thanks to techniques in The Divorce remedy)

As mentioned earlier I've done all of the I Love u's and the children need u, etc.. to no avail and am now trying to employ the tools i've learned in the book, but feel like everything is in limbo. I want to keep asking her when she's leaving, but thought it was best to just leave
her alone until she brings it up, however, if she wants to leave I really want her to go soon as it's very difficult to share this house w/ her and "act" in front of the kids.

Any suggestions, anyone?

BTW, her reasons for wanting out is that she "doesn't love me anymore" and she's been unhappy and needs to go out and
become the woman she's supposed to become(?) and that this is not where she's supposed to be anymore.

I don't believe there's anyone, as this obviously was asked by me plus i spoke w/ her mom and W denied it w/ her mom to. Her mom is just as perplexed as I am.

I have so much more I want to say but will end it here.

Thanks for all and any assistance.

Joe </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Back again. As it stands now, she has been out of the house for 5+ weeks. I filed for custody of the children, which she agreed to, being that she works nights and just started nursing school 4 days a week 3-7. When I confronted her about the affair and she admitted to it, I asked for a D. I no longer desire that and she knows this. This past Sunday, I saw her and asked if we could reevaluate the sitch in another month? Her reply: "I don't know", which I will take as a positive baby step towards reconciliation, on the other hand, a couple of weeks ago she commented that we've been arguing so much lately because I want something that's not going to happen, which is to bring this back together.

My questions at this point are:

Do I just leave her alone and stop communicating with her, in exception to issues dealing with the children and our house?

How do I find out what the core of her unhappiness is? She says it's not me, she just changed.

Basically, how do I proceed?


Joe

Joe,

Have you read all the basic concepts here. There is a load of advice that you can find for yourself just in that.

DB and MB concepts are not all that different. If you've spent much time on the DB site then you must understand that you need to make sure that you work at being the best person that you can.

If you can apply the DB concept of learning new habits and the MB concept of meeting EN's and avoiding LB's, you will come to find that they are virtually the same idea and there will be an improvement in your relationship.

The most important thing that you need to understand is that putting any pressure on her to reconcile, or even work on M right now is just going to push her further away.

You need to work on making yourself a more desireable person for her to spend the rest of her life with.

WIWH

Well, today I brought D11 to Gymnastics class and while on the way there she informed me that she asked W to go, which she did.

W came into the gym and walked up to where I was sitting, so I motioned her to sit in the empty seat next to me. She did. We actually had a pleasant conversation, I asked her how school was going, how was work, generally showed interest in her and her activities, which was my intention.
She told me I looked good and I responded with the same.

Since I filed for custody on Wednesday, I received the summons to go to court on the 23rd, I assumed she would have received hers as well and asked if she got any mail? Nothing other than the utility bill, etc...she says, than asks me " So, when is court?"

I told her and this upset her, in a sad kinda way, I saw the tears start to well up, so I continued to talk to her about other stuff, then patted her on the back and said "hang in there kiddo", she just got up and went outside. I think reality is starting to set in. I didn't chase after her, like I usually would, but she came back in after a few minutes.

I invited her to spend Easter w/ us, which I
think she will do. I am really trying to fill up her Love Bank. I just don't know how else to do it. The only time I talk to her is if it concerns our daughters, the house, etc... any suggestions? How & when can I get her to initiate conversation about us? Or do I?

I sometimes sense that she would like to come back but feels she can't because of the A, even though i've told her that the door is open.

BTW, Recommended reading for us spouses of WAS:

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...104-5645603-3666330?v=glance&s=books

Kinda helps cope with the day2day and helps you put the focus on YOU!!!

That's it for now. Stand by for further developments...

2Legit2Quit,
Joe

Joe,
It sounds like you are handling your self quite well. Just make sure that this is the real you and not just the you that she wants you to be.

Sounds stupid but what I realy mean is make sure that this is what you want and don't accept anything less than what you realy want.

Be strong and keep the possitive momentum going.

WIWH

Spoke to W today(Sun), seems like she was trying to keep the conversation going a bit. I asked her about Easter again, she said she'd let me know, but after I told
her that I told the kids, she said " i'll be there"

I don't know. Am I making progress? I've been noticing, on occasion, that she's been wearing the engagement ring I bought her and yesterday she was wearing a diamond heart ring I bought her as well. Maybe she's turning around? Just the fact that we're communicating nicely to each other is a good start. Also, neither of us have been wearing our wedding bands since just before
W left. Should I put mine back on, or would that be a sign of pressure? or a sign that i'm committed?

Maybe I need to try a love spell on her, lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Today hasn't been a really good day though, I feel like
progress can't be made fast enough and i'm feeling a bit down.

Thanks for listening..er...reading

Spoke to W today(Sun), seems like she was trying to keep the conversation going a bit. I asked her about Easter again, she said she'd let me know, but after I told
her that I told the kids, she said " i'll be there"

I don't know. Am I making progress? I've been noticing, on occasion, that she's been wearing the engagement ring I bought her and yesterday she was wearing a diamond heart ring I bought her as well. Maybe she's turning around? Just the fact that we're communicating nicely to each other is a good start. Also, neither of us have been wearing our wedding bands since just before
W left. Should I put mine back on, or would that be a sign of pressure? or a sign that i'm committed?

Maybe I need to try a love spell on her, lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Today hasn't been a really good day though, I feel like
progress can't be made fast enough and i'm feeling a bit down.

Thanks for listening..er...reading

You can always stop a divorce. Keep readign the MB principles and working them.
She'll be busy with nursing school and it will take time to heal your M.
Have you considered counseling with the Harley's or attending the MB seminar in San Fran. as an intensive weekend recovery time, and much cheaper and faster than extensive MC.
Look into it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> neither of us have been wearing our wedding bands since just before W left. Should I put mine back on, or would that be a sign of pressure? or a sign that i'm committed?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I were you, I would put the ring back on.
Seeing it on your finger might be just what she needs to "get her to initiate conversation" about your relationship.

_______________________________________________
[/QUOTE]If I were you, I would put the ring back on.
Seeing it on your finger might be just what she needs to "get her to initiate conversation" about your relationship. [/QB][/QUOTE]

Sweeter2,

Thanks for the post. I certainly like the idea of W initiating R talk. The challenge I have is that she doesn't live here and the only time I speak to her is if i need to call her about our D's, the house, finances, etc.. or when she picks D's up on her weekend that she has them.

It just makes it that much harder. She seems very adamant about what she wants (freedom,time w/ OM, I guess) I mean she only sees our daughters a total of 3 days a month!!!

Who is this person???

I appreciate your input and ask that perhaps you could view my other post: "Am I making progress?"

Joe

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: JJH ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Am I making progress?"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well that all depends.

How do you feel about you? Are you working on making yourself a better person for you and your kids.

All you need to worry about is if you think you are making progress with yourself.

In the long run you need to make sure that you are the best person for yourself and for your daughters. That is really all that matters.

If your W comes out of the fog and see's what she is missing out on then that would be great. Just make sure that you are not trying to be what you think she wants. Be what you want.

A person that would be a great father and husband!

Newly,

Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that she will be busy w/ school and it will take time to make things right.

I have offered my help to her as far as school goes, for example, last night I called W to say thanks for picking up a shirt for our daughters concert at school, well the shirt needs to be returned for a different size, which W offered to take care of, I countered with an offer to "return it for you, if that will help you out", since she has classes tonight and also needs to go to work shortly thereafter.

As far as healing goes, I guess for now it's a one way street, as she has shown no desire to talk about the M or R, nor does she make any attempt at calling me or asking to talk to me when she calls each night to talk to our D's,
plus, she almost always cuts the conversations short. I guess i need to just leave her alone, go dark (a DB'ing method)?

Just got to keep working on me. Keep on keeping on.

I am going on an individual basis and got our D's to attned once so far, D13 is resisting going again, plus, I havesuggested counselling to W, but she has declined, saying " I don't think i'm ready for counselling", although a few weeks ago she agreed to go under the premise of ironing out our differences before we legally Sep. or D.


Just going to leave it in God's hands at this point as I have no control other than over myself.

Thanks,
Joe

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: JJH ]</small>

Any suggestions on how I can do an EN inventory of my WW? She no longer lives at home and is resistant to talks about the M/R.

Do i just print it out and ask her to help or somehow try and do it on my own?

She tells me that her leaving has nothing to do with me, that i've been a wonderful husband and father, she's just changed as a person and needs to discover " who she is"

Thanks in advance.

Joe

JJH Wow our WW must have been reading the same book! My WW and yours say almost the exact same things.

I think it will be hard for you to get her to fill out the EN questionaire right now. I would think back about conversations you have had with her and as best you can look for things that she said you were doing or not doing for her. This may be a step towards finding out what her EN's are. If you are sure about any of them from previous conversations then do them.

You do need to focus more on you and what makes you happy. I know it is hard (at least for me) to focus on yourself but when you do things are better.

Thanks! Phoenix66,

Well, my sitch is compounded by the fact that she started a PA w/ a co-worker right after telling me she wanted a S or D or whatever her favorite flavor happens to be.

So, IMHO, she says those things to lessen the guilt she feels, trying to make me feel better by taking all the responsibility, ya know what I mean.

As far as me, i'm starting to detach a little more each day, just carrying on w/ my life and
taking care of DD's.

Lost almost 40 lbs. since this started in Dec.
hit a plateau, but got back on the exercise
and weight training bandwagon and am losing more.

Also looking to go back into business, so i've been exploring some franchises and things of that nature.

Thanks again for the encouragement, it means alot.

I will get over to your sitch as well, promise! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Joe

JJH - My sitch is ugly to say the least. Lies, cheating, protective order, left me for a multi time felon presently sitting in jail etc. She still has not confessed PA only EA. Another lie as I have a record of where and love letter stating it.

Ya know the funny thing though is that after all of this I still have hope. We talk almost everyday. Although she says she is happy life on her own has not been easy. I know several of her plans did not work out like she thought.
I think this is God trying to tell her you are going the wrong way, stop before you hit oncoming traffic.

Patience my friend, in time the A will die. Your job is to not make it so easy for it to survive.