Quick summary: W asked for Sep. in Dec., I discovered A in Jan., confronted W on Feb. 5th and asked her to leave, which she did, but was planning on anyway, as she went to look at an apt. the next day (Feb. 6th) She has been gone for about 6 weeks now and our D13 and D11 are w/ me.

We made this arrangement for them to stay w/ me because W works nights and is now going to school 4 afternoons a week and I felt, 1) she didn't have any time for them,
2) they need the security of a parent at home each night.

On March 10th, I filed for custody and have a court date of March 23rd. Part of me filed mostly, as a formality, but also part out of anger and not wanting her to file first.

My question:

Did filing hurt my sitch or is it just the right thing to do?

I don't want to push her away any further or have her percieve this as an act of revenge or something, even though I explained to her it's just a formality. I do have the form to withdraw my petition.

Do I withdraw and let things go naturally?

W agreed for me to pick her up to go to court, we haven't hired attorneys, at least I haven't and don't think she has
due to lack of funds, and she said she wasn't going to fight me on this.

Any input appreciated :-)

Joe

Sure she wont fight you on this or that or anything else. She will tell you she trusts you with the kids, Knows you love them, You are more emotionally stable etc. And then she will talk to her friends who will convince her to take you to the cleaners, and hire a lawyer. He will tell her to move back in to drive you away, or at least move into the same neighborhood so she can needle you daily. Things will start to disapear, and you will change the locks to limit entry to when you are there. Then she will find out that she can legally move right back in anytime and there is nothing you can do. She can break the door down and come in. You will be on the phone with the police who will tell you that you are still married and there is nothing they can do till you show up with a knife sticking out of your chest. Then you will find out that you are the one who is getting all the work, the job of keeping the kids on track, and emotionally stable, You will feel run down and tired, and feel too sick to go to work. You will wake up everytime you hear a noise and jump to the window to see if you will get into a fight again. and then add to that your job and it's daily turmoil. Oh, wait a minute, that's me....But you do what you want to do.

I think what HH was saying was...yeah, revenge is only going to cause problems. If my wife tried to include "primary custody" or anything like that in any agreement, I would take that as 100% complete fighting words. Nothing but.

Now, I don't know your case, and maybe your wife doesn't care. But, assuming she wants to be involved with the kids, and assuming she is an acceptable parent, even if your views may differ, than I would strongly advise you NOT to start such problems.

I totally do not understand why people allow there sense of "revenge" to dominate what happens in divorce. Much I think is conjured by lawyers, they make more that way. And no doubt friends do the same.

I think a good friend would whack you in the head and say, Do what is best for the kids. Always. Take your feelings for revenge and bury them...in fact, lose them. Remember the saying "let it go" and get really familiar with it.

Life can be good after divorce, so I am hoping anyways, or it can be miserable. Funny thing is, two people decide which way it will be. Often, it is just ONE PERSON.

Enough said?

I second that emotion BP22. In my case, the STBX was abusive her whole life, controlling and sometimes mean. Her stories of revenge on her brothers makes me scared that I am on the SH** list. I was only doing what was in the best interest of the kids. I still am. I am willing to let her have free visitation etc, but she now wants it all. The house, car, kids, child support, the money from everything liquidated etc. She constantly makes threats of custody, she wants to decide everything. She did that for me for 20 years. No more. Time to be my own man. I am not friggin pinochio anymore. I was thinking of asking for a phsyc eval on her. I bet it would be very interesting reading.

I appreciate the input from both of you. My intent is not to do it out of revenge, I just don't want her to perceive it has an act of revenge.

I probably jumped the gun a bit by filing because I was a bit angry over a discussion we had 3 days before I filed, then learned that if she fails a 2nd exam at school, she's out, that's when I thought I should file before her since if she was booted from school, she would have more time for our daughters and might seek custody.

Our relationship is not a hostile one, I am refraining from anger myself, she tends to be a litlle snippy now & then, probably out of guilt,
but our interactions have been very pleasant lately. She'll actually be joining us for Easter.

HH, sorry your sitch is the way it is, at least the way I perceive it to be. Just try and maintain a positive attitude and know there's a better tomorrow.

Joe

Some advice my daddy gave me years ago (probably before you were even born <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )...
If you don't know, don't.

So....
since you think you may have jumped the gun AND your relationship is not hostile AND (on a very positive note)
you said,
"our interactions have been very pleasant lately"
it sounds to me like you really don't know what would be best.
So if you don't know.....don't.

I am sure you both want what's best for your DD's. And it does sound like your W is cooperating with you in regard to the children.
Maybe postponing the court date would be a good option for right now....that date IS only a week away.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice Sweeter2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I really don't want it (filing) to come off as threatening and hurt any progress I may be making towards getting her back.

I guess I need to decide, real soon, whether to postpone the court date or withdraw the petition.

Maybe part of what may have motivated me to file was that W's had all the control and this could be something I could control.

I mostly feel as if she's got me wrapped around her finger. Guess she does.

Thanks again,
Joe

Question. Would I be applying too much pressure if I ask W if going to court for custody at this point is necessary until we see what happens?

The D word hasn't been brought up in a while, and last Sunday I told her that the kids wold like her back home and so would I, and perhaps we could reevaluate the sitch in a month or so, to which she responded:"Joe, I don't know".

However, 2 weeks ago, while she was here at home for something or another, we were talking, she got annoyed and said the reason we argue so much is that I want something that's not going to happen (reconciliation).

Don't really know how to tell which direction she wants to go, compounded by the fact that she never initiates, nor does she want to talk about the R/M.

Any advice? Anyone?

Joe

JJH,

Have you read any information on this site???

Have you tried marriage coaching??

Have you done a PLAN A??

Have you done ANYTHING to try and SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE???

If not--Before You do anything else--READ AND GET HELP TO TRY AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

You didn't note what state you were in, but from what I have read here, custody is usually not awarded unless the other parent is a drug abuser, or physical abuser.

Courts usually award joint custody/shared parenting or similiar wording. Basically the kids split time between the two parents and which ever parent the kids are with is the parent who is responsible.

I too, had thought about going for custody and my lawyer advised against it as I would not be able to win since she was not a drug abuser or physically abusive. She just wasn't going to be there for the kids because of her work schedule.

Check with your lawyer about changing to shared parenting, even if you have custody the kids still have the right to see their mother, that doesn't change. Just that you will be responsible for everything even when they are with her.

Thanks for the posts, everyone.

ThornedRose, I have been using the methods from Michele Weiner-Davis @ DivorceBusting and have been reading, as often as I can, the info on this site as well. See my thread: New Here Advice appreciated for a brief summary.

My W, doesn't initiate any talks about the R/M
and I have been refraining from bringing things up so as not to add any pressure to her right now.

I am committed to this M, btu it's hard when only one partner is working on it, compounded by the fact that she doesn't live w/ us right now, so I can't interact w/ her as often. I want to do an EN inventory, but how? When I did bring up the R, she would just tell me that she doesn't want to talk about it. Where do i go from here?

I do go to counselling on my own, would like to ask her to go, but she always declines or says " I don't think i'm ready for counselling yet"

RWD, I'm in NYS. I have consulted w/ an attorney and was advised that since W has been out of the house for 6 weeks, I would get temp. physical custody, basically by default.

Before W left, during my talks w/ her after D-day, right up until last week when I told her I filed, we agreed to let the DD's stay with me and would discuss living arrangements upon my W completing nursing school in 18 mos. There has been total cooperation on both our parts since she's left,as far as them staying here and her visitation, it's just that I don't want this (postponing/withdrwaing petition) to come back to bite me in the a** or be a doormat for her.

As of right now, i'm getting some signals from her that are positive, keeps commenting on how i look, prolongs our conversations, last night we were holding hands after our D13's concert.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but feel like i need o talk to her about the R.

Any thoughts?...anyone?

Joe

I know it's difficult, but the times you spend with her PLAN A HER!!

Is your counselor a pro-marriage counselor?

Read the Just Found Out board--and read many of the responses there--check for post's by Cerri--she has some wonderful information you could gleen from--

If your really wanting to save your marriage--I would really encourage you to read over there--
and follow the advice given there--

And like I said--read Cerri's post's--

Thorned,

Thnaks for the recommendations. I'm vaguely familiar w/ Plan A. It sounds as though Plan A is useful if she's a willing participant, unless
i'm not understanding it correctly.

She's been out of the house for since Feb. 5th, has her own place, makes no attempts to call me, although I am sensing a change of heart, on top of the fact that she works w/ OM.

If I ask her to immediately stop contact w/ him, i'm guessing she'll be threatened by this, her employer is paying for her schooling, so I don't
feel she be wanting to leave her job and right now I have know way of knowing what she wants to do, without asking her. But that's against the principles of MB /DB. Catch 22?

I plan to talk to her 2nite about postponing or withdrawing my custody petition, but I don't know if telling her the reason, wanting to keep this family/marriage together, would be a good idea at this juncture?

Is ther another forum here that I should pose these questions to?

Thanks,
Joe

One other thing, If I am to ask her to consider counselling, how can I phrase it so that it's not an "I want/would like" type of question? I want it to be about her feelings and desires.

As always...thanks!

J

JJH,


-- I'm vaguely familiar w/ Plan A. It sounds as though Plan A is useful if she's a willing participant, unless i'm not understanding it correctly.--

TR--Actually, no it's not only useful if they are willing--Plan A is about you working on you--
looking at areas that you did wrong in your marriage and changing those areas within yourself

treating your spouse with respect, love and care and showing them your marriage is worth saving--
helping them remember the good times--and why they fell in love with you to begin with--You can do this every time you talk to them--or spend time with them--

And then when they are away from you--like she's alone at her apartment--she has those good feelings of you in her thoughts--

It's about bringing her affair out in the open to others--family and friends (if they don't already know) so they might encourage her to go back to the marriage--

Affairs that are brought out in the open tend to end faster than those that are kept secret--because they are living in a dream world of what it "could be" not what it really is--and when brought to the light the reality begins to set in-

--She's been out of the house for since Feb. 5th, has her own place, makes no attempts to call me, although I am sensing a change of heart, on top of the fact that she works w/ OM.

TR--And that's okay at this point--just continue to work on you making changes within yourself--
start doing things for yourself and not worrying so much about her--be nice to her when you see or talk to her--but not totally available to her whenever she call's--

--If I ask her to immediately stop contact w/ him, i'm guessing she'll be threatened by this, her employer is paying for her schooling, so I don't feel she be wanting to leave her job and right now I have know way of knowing what she wants to do, without asking her.

TR--Once she begins to see that you have really changed--she will either end it with OM or not--if she doesn't--then you go into plan B--where you stop all contact except where the kids are involved--you no longer meet any of her needs--
and allow her to turn to OM to meet them--9 out of 10 times--the OP can not meet their needs completely--and they begin to look back at their spouses and remember what it was really like--


--I plan to talk to her 2nite about postponing or withdrawing my custody petition, but I don't know if telling her the reason, wanting to keep this family/marriage together, would be a good idea at this juncture?

TR--You can tell her the reasons or not--depends on how well you have been doing a plan A at this point--she may be willing to listen--

--Is ther another forum here that I should pose these questions to?

TR--Again, you can try posting to the JFO Board or even the EN Board--or Plan A/Plan B board--
you could address the thread "need help with Plan A advice" and I'm sure many others will be glad to help--

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Well, the snow here in the northeast makes it easier for some backsliding

W came over tonight so we could discuss the custody thing, which i've decided to withdraw and see where things go, and file again in the not too distant future.

Anyay, I expressed to her why I didn't feel it was necessary at this time, asked for her thoughts on it, then I proceeded to talk to her about my belief in this marriage, how this time apart has benefitted me, validated her reasons for leaving, although she still insists that the R she started up w/ OM was neither directly or indirectly related to her decision to want a sep. (huh?)

On another note, I went to give her a hug and tried to brush her hair away from the side of her neck, she wouldn't let me, so I asked her why not, she resisted, and I said " you've got a hickey on your neck, don't you?" she pulled away, put her head down and wouldn't look at me.

Finally she got up, walked into the bathroom, I followed, asked her to let me see, in a non-threatening manner, kinda a smirk on my face, which she did.

She says, "it's not what you think. It's not from a guy...
not from a girl either. I was removing a resident (she works in an adult home) from her wheelchair to her bed and she resisted and bit me on my neck and it was embarrasing that it was there..."

Now I am trying to build trust for me and for her, but the way she hid it and resisted, implies another story. I want to trust her, validated her story to her. told her I believe her, but do I? No, although their were two marks
that far enough apart that could be just as she says.

So she leaves after a while, says she needs to get home, she's wants to get some sleep before work. This is at 8pm,
I had a question for her and called her at 9:15, got answering machine. She returns call at 9:30ish and said she just got home.

I can't build trust if I can't get some truth. I'm also annoyed because she was in a rush to get home, yet she could have taken some of that time, wherever she was, and spend it with DD's. Can't figure her out

As far as the R/M goes, I don't know. I said what I said, she listened, I listened, neither of us brought up S or D,
but while on the phone with her later on, I talked about moving in a few weeks and that i'm not worried, i'll get another house. Her response: " So will I"

Can somebody please tell me, Is it time for darkness???

I'm continuing to work on me, but tonight that neck thing's got me feeling a bit down and hopeless.

Joe