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Joined: Jun 2002
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bp22 Offline OP
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If you are a betrayed spouse and divorced...

Did you divorce because of the affair?

Do you still believe in your heart that it was ALL his/her fault? The affair I mean?

Was their things in your marriage that were horrible, had been horrible, and there was an attempt by someone to fix them, but just not enough?


I'm curious how people think after the affair, after the divorce, etc. Do they always harbor the "It was ALL THEIR FAULT" attitude, or in time are they willing to accept at least the notion that two people are in a marriage?

No justification or anything happening here...curious.

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bp22,

My sitch had been bad for at minimum 2 years or more before the final straw when my now XH moved home with OW while we were still married. We both felt we tried everything possible, but looking back, if we had, we would probably still be married. Or not, I guess I'll never know. Anyway, I am sure that there were other things we could have tried, but it seemed like our timing was always off, and neither of us wanted to be together at exactly the same time. A lot of resentment and pride for both that we basically couldn't get past.

As for me, I accept responsibility for exactly HALF of the good and bad that happened in the marriage. Not more, not less.

skip

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I am the betrayed spouse. And I accept 1/2 of the marriage failure. My X doesn't, and by his posts here he states he doesn't. Mostly he says, that I am the one that was emotional unbalanced, and if he had listened to the counselors, he had issues that he was unwilling to take control of.

The affair, was my husbands fault, not mine. During his affair, he lied to me and the kids, he took money from me and the kids to give to the other woman, he had sex with the woman around, cause she lives in another state, and we were vacationing, he made time to have sex with all of us around. He lied, and was a deceitful liar, and to this day, lies, cause he says he didn't have sex with the other woman. Cause he says he didn't penetrate her with his organ, but did everything else. And he talked of our sex life to the other woman. Which hurts big time. This was something between him and I only.

Yes, his affair was his fault. Not mine. I didn't sway away from the marriage. I stayed, and wanted to work on the marriage. He didn't, he had his greener grass, and wanted out. So we are both single now, and as I found out tonight, he is going to search for her this weekend. He is flying out to her state and stated to me that he will look her up. Good for her and him. Both deserve a deceit of loveless life. This was her for sure 2nd sexual affair in her marriage. And if they continue on with their love, they deserve each other. Won't state that I care about her, cause she manipulated me and lied to me on the phone. She is not a woman with God, and if this is what my X wants, good for him. Cause he doesn't seem to be with God either.

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I am BS and divorced......

I'm not even sure why we divorced. I came home from work one day, and WH was gone. He had packed up, and moved in w/ow that very day. Div papers were in the mailbox. I didn't see a thing coming.

In a way, you could say we div'd b/c of the A, but in another way, I would say we div'd b/c of unmet EN's, BUT before he left, I had NO IDEA of this, so we certainly had never addressed it, or tried to fix anything.

Well, as far as believing in my heart that it was ALL his fault - no - I can't say that. But I'm not blaming myself, either. Actually, I KNOW FOR A FACT that my H shared the info that he was "not happy" - not with me, but w/his FAMILY. They then arranged for him to start seeing "old friend" - Xgf - and the next thing I knew, they had "hatched a plan" to help him get his life back together by div'ing me and moving 200 miles to OW!!!!

But to answer the question you are really asking, I KNOW it was not all "his fault."
I KNOW I was not the W I should have been. I KNOW I was not meeting his EN's. But I was not having MINE met either! Therefore, we were basically at a "standoff" - neither one of us was going to "give in." I guess that basically deteriorated our M to the point of no return.

No, things weren't "horrible" - we were just "drifting apart" and did not communicate w/each other. We were essentially each "doing our own thing" without concern about the happiness (EN's?) of the other.......
And there was NO attempt by either to fix it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I TRIED to drag him to a counselor. Once. While we were there, and I was trying to communicate my frustrations/feelings, he just sat there denying we had a "problem." Literally. He just kept saying, "We have no problem....."

I just wish I knew THEN what I know NOW!!! It could have all been fixed.

But that's too simplistic, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bp22:
<strong> If you are a betrayed spouse and divorced...

Did you divorce because of the affair?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I divorced because my XW wanted to continue the affair unimpeded by our marriage, so yes, I guess you could say that was a big part of the divorce.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Do you still believe in your heart that it was ALL his/her fault? The affair I mean?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair? Yes. She even admitted later that, contrary to her original story, it was her, not the OM, who initiated the affair. Did I do something to "drive her into the arms" of another man?

I don't think so. We had exactly one conversation where she expressed doubts about the future of our marriage. That was 8 months before the affair began. I was pretty well blind-sided.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Was their things in your marriage that were horrible, had been horrible, and there was an attempt by someone to fix them, but just not enough?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Horrible? Not great, but certainly not horrible. We had the problems that most couples seem to have after a few years together. The whole "I love you, but I'm not 'in love with you' thing that happens when the honeymoon's been over for a couple years, but nothing like abuse, addictions, or such things. The above-mentioned conversation was her only attempt to fix things before the affair. After the affair started, it was doomed. Once my XW makes up her mind, there's no chance of changing it...that much I learned.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I'm curious how people think after the affair, after the divorce, etc. Do they always harbor the "It was ALL THEIR FAULT" attitude, or in time are they willing to accept at least the notion that two people are in a marriage?

No justification or anything happening here...curious. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I realize, in hindsight, that the marriage was doomed one way or another. One thing out of all the lies I'd been told turned out to be true:

We never should have been married.

I accepted that a little over a year after the divorce was final.

Does that change how I feel about the affair? Not one bit.

I agree with my XW that our marriage was doomed before it began. I agree that it would have ended sooner or later...probably sooner.

However, the way she chose to end the marriage (an "exit affair") was totally inappropriate and hurtful.

So do I accept my half of the responsibility for a failed marriage? Of course.

Do I accept any responsibility for her infidelity? Not one tiny bit.

To her credit, she takes full responsibility for the affair.

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not sure why the question, however, the more and more i see everyday, the more and more i realize that there was very little that i could have done, because XW has turned into someone i don't even recognize, unless she wants something from me. . . then she is nice. . .

now, her reasons as she told daughter, for the divorce, is that i talked about money, and making money. and at the same time, told me she did not want any of my money, but allowed the lawyer to make all kinds of claims against "my" money. I remember she was pissy when i talked about her retirement, and what to do with it, and she wouldn't call the guy to switch funds. . . as if the money was very, very bad.

just this week, when the kids are wanting to go to summer camp, something that she didn't like as a kid, and she agreed that the oldest should go, she stated that 12 year old daughter was too emotionally immature to go, yet, XW leaves daughter home all alone to do her stuff, and daughter does most everything just fine. . . so i told her that her problem was her issues, not daughters, and miraculously, out comes the fact that now she has to save for retirement, she has all these bills, blah, blah, blah. . .

XW accused me of gambling with money, i didn't accuse her of gambling with people, which is what a manipulator does. . .

so in a long winded way, yeah, i made mistakes, but they were very, very minor when you are living with a mentally disordered person. . . the kids don't quite understand why she goes off in a rage at times. . . even today, and daughter thinks that mom is very, very selfish. . . as both kids confirmed what was said today. . .

i am much happier with my life, now, i have no regrets because i did everything she asked. . . and looking at what she has turned into, yuck, i don't ever want to have to see her or speak to her again as soon as the youngest is out of high school. 6 years 3 months and counting. . . .

wiftty

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bp22 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for your openness and honesty.


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