I’ll use your kindness to vent… and maybe get some wise suggestions how to cope with this NEW kind of pain…

It took me a while to ACCEPT our separation/divorce, to 'digest' all his lies, betrayals, negligence, disrespect… and I think I’m finally fine… no pain any more (rarely), nor wish even to try to reconcile with him (he says he hopes/wants we will…)… no way!

We are finalizing separation agreement, and… I always knew he was a scrooge (for my son and me!), but this… I got a letter from the lawyer… X is asking more money from house sell proceeds… he submitted every bill he’d paid for the house, and no mentioning that I was paying (the same amounts) for other things (ALL of our son’s expenses for 1,5 years! included)… Also, he negotiate $30 bucks per month not to pay for our son…
I could beat him by law… but, will not… money never meant to me a lot… and I know… could have never afford to rely on him in the past, why would I in the future…
But – it hurts!… how he’s tight with money for his own son! and not for some other things… Sadness, when I look at my son… and a feeling of guilt that I chose him as the father of my son… feel sorry for my son too (my dad was and still is a great as father and I KNOW how much this was/is important for me in my life…)

How do I fight against these feelings?
How can I try, for my son’s sake, to be in a good relationship with him, when with every beats of my heart I feel angry and despise X for many other things as well… ?
I’d like most never ever talk to him, give him all money he’s looking for, give him much more, just to go out of my life finally and with no return… but I know that wouldn’t be good for our son…
I know X won’t respect schedule of visitations… he’ll want to see our son when he wants and as long as it suits him… I’ve allowed him so far to do that, and it meant I had to see him and talked to him whenever he wanted (OK, if I wanted he’d talk… but, with him, everything is 'talk the talk walk the walk'…) … JUST for our son’s sake!… and now, I have no strength to deal with him any more… on the other side I’m torn – what am I doing to our son if I don’t allow and encourage (and force?) their time together….. ??

I know, this sorrow will pass by as other painful feelings have… and I'll keep doing what's the best for my son (related to X), but right now I feel so helpless and lost… yes, and betrayed all over again and disgraced...........

..and dissapointment in myself...

You know, the Universal Life Flow works in super weird ways.

Are you me? 'Cause I'm feeling just as you are.

My H. seemed to have the outlook of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours." And yes, I'm disappointed in myself that I married this man. He's not a bad man, really, just his priorities are different.

And my STBX has seen the children or not seen the children based solely on his schedule. Interesting how as we're nearing on a year separated, he sees the kids less and less.

All I can say is your son wouldn't be that same precious bundle that you have now if you had married a different man. So don't regret your choice of fathers. It was the only possible choice that would have produced that exact son.

Other than that I have no words of wisdom other than I think our feelings are perfectly normal.

Do you have a visitation schedule? Or is it just play it by ear?

Oh, dear... sorry...

Yes, we have the visitation schedule (every Tue and Thu 3 hours each, and every second weekend)... but for these 6 months he's never asked for that time... usually he spends with him a half an hour (drop by when is convenient for him), sometimes 1, max. 2 hours...

Yes, I try to be thankful that he 'gave me' our son... just sometimes it is not enough...

"He's not a bad man, really, just his priorities are different" - could easily be applied to my X... everything has been more important than the two of us... and now that I accepted there is no happy/acceptable life/time for me with him, it is so difficult to accept he'll be the same for our son too...

I'm also afraid that he'll be seeing him less and less... that'd be easier for me (I'll never be comfortable with X having our son, he's so irresponsible, no, no bad person and won't hurt him intentionally, just being neglected/restless maybe... don't give me God!), but, on the other hand... what is my son going to miss in his life?!...

He's just 2,5 and maybe he'll get used to from the beginning... yet....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It'll be okay.

I'll bet if you look around there are lots of men who could be father figures to your son. My brother had "old Mr. Read." Mr. Read came with the house my parents bought. There's no other way to describe him.

And he was a godly man. Trust me I don't use that term lightly. Mr. Read took my brother in hand long before my father left. Mr. Read taught my brother to fish, and shoot and trap fox. He taught my brother respect and values and truthfulness.

When Mr. Read died, he had two families mourning his death.

I'm not saying you need to remarry to provide a father. But, I'll bet there are uncles and cousins and friends who are willing to teach your son to be a man.

It will be fine. Your son will know love. And the only loser will be your ex.

Meanwhile, document his lack of visitation in detail. This can be used in the custody battle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and a feeling of guilt that I chose him as the father of my son </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've had to deal with this too.
And when offered more time, my X refuses.
Sometimes they fight for money to get back at us, and don't see its the kids they hurt.
Vent here and get ideas here.
The courts will determine equitable distribution, keep fighting to get what you deserve (unless it costs alot). He'll eventually back down.

Try to keep your X to a schedule, it's better for you and for your son.

And GG, I can picture Mr. Read walking around your property.

gg... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Yes, we are going to have "Mr. Read" too!
The two of them actually... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
That should make it easier for my son, maybe deminish my sadness...
I don't believe I'll remarry... but we don't know what God keeps for our future either...
And, yes, my son will know Love...

Why do you think the only loser will be X?
You think he's aware of what he's losing? Won't be either... he'll be just fine...

I'll keep 'visitation dairy'... I don't think we'll have a battle for the custody... already agreed for 50/50 joint legal (God help me with this too...), primary residence with me... which I agreed again thinking of benefits for my son... if I ask for full custody I was afraid that'll reject X of 'taking care' of our son... at least, I gave him chance.....


newly,
we are not in the court (and won't be, because I'll give him what he asks for regarding proceeds... I'd go to court only if I had to fight for my son, I'll make that money again... never had problem working hard...);
for our son - there is law and I just follow its rules (not asking more), and I'm fine - regarding financial part...
What hurts is X's negotiations (hiding cash pays, e.g.) to give as little as possible (not to me, I get that, but) to his son!

I know it's better for me if I keep X to the schedule... but why for my son too?
OK, I get it, but - X hates 'schedules'!... I'm afraid if I don't allow him to see our son when he wants, he won't see him in certain hours either... nah, I'm wrong - if he wants excuses he'll find them anyhow, correct?