D was final last week-ish. Started dating about 2 months ago. I figured - what the heck - let's just see if there are any men out there who will find me attractive. Yes, there were. Found an online service, answered some questions, put a photo out there and was overwhelmed by the response. Decided that no - maybe not the right place to be/thing to do, so I removed my information but not in time. A cute dr. found me and we have gone on a couple dates. But you know what - I think he is married! There are too many unanswered questions, his schedule is a little too weird, not available on weekends, won't take my calls on the weekends - but invited me to call anytime and said he would always call me back. He is not pressuring me for sex - quite the opposite as a matter of fact by generously offering to give me the time I need to heal - but with him standing there with me because he can see potential with "us", hasn't asked me for money - so I am thinking what is up with this guy? Am I just not being trustful or am I being jacked with? I won't go into all of the reasons why my gut is saying I am being lied to and jacked with - because once you have been there - you see the signs a little more clearly the second time around. I hate this part - the finding a new relationship part - why does it seem that everyone always has an angle and the freaks all come to me? My husband, while we were not long term compatible, would have never cheated on me and he didn't lie to me either - those were two things that drew me into marriage - knowing I would be free from that worry...so here I am feeling like I am being worked over by some suburban psuedo con guy looking to spice up his life a little bit while his wife is out of town on business. And I am mad. Where do you find honest, straight forward people who don't want to play games - but are looking for a serious relationship and are quality people? The ex husband is looking better everyday. Yeah, he could be a jerk and he was a controller - but at least I know what his problems are! HA! No I won't go back to that - but come on! It sure does seem that there are more perverts, low life cheaters out there than quality men...please please tell me I am wrong because I do want another relationship and I would like to re-marry at some point.

Just because you dated to early doesn't mean you have to continue doing so. You could stop dating - for a while. Till you think you are ready.

And, as for this man, if you don't feel you trust him, you could confront him with those feelings. Or you could stop seeing him. You deserve answers to your questions. If you don't get good answers, consider the source. What sorts of secrets is he really hiding?

Do you deserve this sort of relationship? Or do you deserve better?

No I don't feel I can trust him. Big sign there could be trouble ahead - when you feel like you have to check up on someone. And today, I found myself doing just that. The internet is great for checking up on people - I never knew - and I am sure I just touched the tip of the iceberg. He implied he grew up in Canada and went to school in the states. From what I can tell he was living over seas until the sometime in the 90's. okaayy...so why would someone imply something other than the truth? Personally I don't give a flip where he went to school, where he was born - I just want a nice, normal, psychologically stable man who loves me.

Waaay back when I was younger, I was in a longterm relationship with a text book pathological liar (add a dash of schizophrenia, and a sprinkle of sociopath)! I learned the ropes from an expert and I went through several years of therapy to undo the damage that we did to me. And I have recognized behavioral/communication patterns in the new guy that my old crazy boyfriend had. I called my mom and we talked about it for a while - and she agreed with that the new guy could be hiding something. So a reasonable person would just drop it and walk away -right?

The really bad thing is - now that I am older, been around the block a couple times, I want to screw with the guy. How is that for destructive behavior?

I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of having boyfriends and husbands who are mean to me. I know there are two people in every relationship -but mostly they have been bent on destroying me, not the other way around.

I am tired and sad and I just want to equalize a little bit for once.

The smart thing is walk away, don't look back, continue re-building my life and make plans for the future (solo plans) and see where it all takes me.

Will I do that - I am not so sure. I have decided that the next time we talk - I am sure it will be on the phone late at night, while he is driving or when he is in the office with his door closed - I will just ask some basic questions and because I already know most of the answers, see what he tells me and if he says something I know to be a lie, tell him I know it is a lie and walk away.

BUT then again, one thing I know - learned it from the professionally crazy boyfriend - is that these types know how to charm and twist it all around so everything makes sense. I hate that..why are some people wired like that - to cause hurt and turmoil without conscience? I don't get it..so whatever. Instead of being obessive compulsive over it - the smart thing is walk away, stop dating, and work on me for a while.

I keep telling myself what the smart thing to do is and then responding with a "Yes, But..." hahah. That is kind of funny, kind of sounds like I am trying to convince myself to do that rather than open up a can of years of whoop [censored] on this guy!

COMMUNICATE. Tell your "friend" what you think and are feeling. See his reaction. So far you had some adult talk, some dinner... Ok, Spill it and move on if that is what you need to do. You will be able to tell his reaction to your questions. I wouldnt blame you for checking out his story, you need to find out the truth before you get emotionally attached and think that you can live with certain behaviors. I tried, It doesnt work.

Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship?

If you know the signs and intentionally ignore them--and don't run away--then your responsible for your own hurt and pain--

Have you spoken to your ex-h at all? maybe he has changed or at least be willing to change--and give it another try?

And just because this man hasn't asked for money and isn't pressuring for sex--(you said he's a doctor) doesn't mean something is UP with him--

Those areas could mean --He may genuinely respect you as a person--

But the calling on weekends and so forth--those you should look at as possible red flags--and I agree with the others you should ask straight forward questions--preferably face to face so that you can see his reactions and not just hear the words--

And let him know--if he see's a possiblity of a future--then you need honest answers--so that a trust can be built--let him know what your looking for in a relationship--and what you expect in a relationship--be as honest with him as you expect him to be with you--

Yea,
I am with you girl...am also seeing a PA and an orthopaedic resident...

But can say that there are very nice guys too...but alot of ones with the morality of a stray cat in heat..like my xh.

You just gotta read thru the warning signs. Like if he won't see you on weekends..I'd just be up front and ask him about the "why"s. He could be on call. Or he could be moonlighting. Or there could be a w and kids back home and that's something you DO NOT WANT TO get into. I see the chaos my x has wreaked and is still wreaking only 2 mos. into his 3rd marriage...

But I am not in a hurry. In fact, the opposite. I am rather frustrating to guys and they don't get why on earth I am not falling for their lines, and sometimes God forbid, would rather stay home and do nothing alone (well my bubblebath and book are great company <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> than have a night on the town with their presence gracing me...

I'd say to be honest and ask. You'll never know unless you do. And then weed thru his response. Is he hedging? Is he being evasive? Does he answer your question with another possible excuse or a concrete response? Do you have his pager number or an alternative number to reach him at (married men I guess don't like to give those out as I know this first hand...but jethro would slip up sometimes). And remember...this is the time to find YOU. Redefine you now. It's not about them. It's about us getting our lives back together and if they fit in our puzzle exactly as a fit, then so be it...if not, no worries. I swear...the more aloof you are and independent, the more they chase. It is soooo wierd. I always had a serious relationship since college, then marriage. Now I am I guess rebelling against all of it. And having fun!

I appreciate the suggestions - and yes I have seen the aloof effect work also. The more you act like you could care less (or really do care less) - the more they try to get you.

I deserve, and will find, a healthy honest relationship. I know this - and, briefly, he was a candidate for the position. But there are too many flags. And from what I can tell, I won't have an opportunity to ask him all the questions I would like to. Last time we saw each other he said he was busy for the next 6 weeks. Okay - yes, Dr.'s are busy people - but for goodness sakes - a person being so busy they can't pick up the phone or whip out a quick e-mail to someone they are interested in? If he calls me in 6 weeks with a big cheerful hello, and hasn't bothered to pick up the phone or send an email - I will just tell him to bug off and forget about asking anything - because that is just abnormal pre-dating behavior (I think so anyway..).

I know - I am beating a cadaver! ha ha ha.

Honestly, do I think I am emotionally READY? no.

I WILL admit something about myself...I really prefer to have someone in my life. I spend sooo much time alone that I am tired of my own company. I have hobbies - but they have gotten a little boring doing them myself. I read constantly, I go to restaurants by myself - I am used to doing those things alone. My exh did not want to spend time with me - I had to beg him and invariably he would cause an argument until finally I just gave up on doing anything with him. And while I may not be emotionally ready - I still want someone in my life. My dog wants someone else in her life too.

So - I am not calling or emailing the Dr. I will just wait and see - he may just fade away. That would be okay because I have no desire for drama. He can go find some 20 something to jack with.

The exh has no idea I have gone out. I am sure he suspects it because he knows my personality. Is there a chance of my relationship with him ever being there again? No. He needs to learn how to play nice and not be angry/verbally abusive all the time and his response to my request for him seeking professional help was he took a Psych 101 class in college. He can be a wonderful nurturing person, but he is also jealous, needy, insecure, and mean. I am taller than him and at first he liked that - but after the 4th or 5th argument over me wearing heels it became apparent that it had become an issue. Not something that can be easily fixed either. So as much as i would like to run back to the familiarity of that relationship - I deserve better.

Really - my gut feeling about the dr is that there is much more than he is telling me - much more as in either a steady GF or W/Kids.

So I drop it. Shed a quick tear - because he was hot - and move on. There are good men out there - I just have to be patient.

yeah i can relate....although my relationship turned out to be with a dead pilot....SADLY, THE BEST THING TO DO IS LET THEM GET TIRED OF THEIR CHILDISH GAMES.

LETS SEE HOW LONG THIS STAYS POSTED!

I have to chime in.

While I'm just getting back into this whole new dating life after 18 years of marriage, what do you do when you find someone so good?

What I mean is,
I was separated, and was NOT looking, but a guy popped into my life.
I know, I should have held off according to counselors rules, but, does life work that way???
Doesn't seem to.

Anyway,
this man is wonderful to me.
He is everything I would have liked my X to have been.
He is a gift giver, a wine and dine kind of guy, affectionate, caring, sensitive, attentive, totally all about me, and it has not worn off.

My problem is,
I don't seem to appreciate it.
I feel like I just want "me" time. I don't care about dating. I never did a lot of it before I married, but did always have a steady boyfriend until I got married.
I feel like, for the first time in my life, I want to try to do this alone thing, and I feel okay about being alone.
I have been honeset with this man, and told him how I feel. I believe I crushed him.
I told him I thought I needed time to be alone, and he actually cried.

I guess I can relate to what you said Peachy, about rebelling. I have NO intention on commitment any time soon in my life.
I always say to anyone that knows that I'm dating this guy, If it works fine, if it doesn't, thats fine too.

The only part about this whole relationship for me is,
Why would I risk losing someone who treats me so wonderful??
How can I be so carefree about this?
Am I totally not ready to be in a relationship yet? Or is it that I just got so burned from my X that I'm not taking chances?

Any ideas, please share.

karona you are lucky.

i guess that is why is sound so bitter. i felt like that, too, but sadly i think he was just playing with my mind, or couldn't be honest with me. either way, those things i am so sensitive to and i will bolt. since he had all the power in the relationship, i.e. controlld when we talked, i couldn't really communicate with him and therefore decided that if he wanted it to work out, he could contact me. in othe words, if i were you, that's what i would do...talk to him and see if you can work it out. when you meet someone special, even at the wrong time, it's worth going after..especially at my age! LOL.

Hi Woshoa---
thanks for your input!
I do feel lucky, but so confused.

Is it fair to see someone when you have those feelings?
I have been honest with him, and he knows, there are no secrets to how I feel.

I don't feel like I want to meet lots of men, it's not that at all.

And, I'm so curious, how old are you?
I'm 41!

This time around is so different then when I was in my 20's!
I'm so much wiser to life now, and feel like I'm not going to put up with any crap!

K.

Karona - Take me time.

I wish I could feel good about taking me time. I don't want me-time - I have all the me time I can stand!

Who knows why you don't want what mr. goodguy has to offer? You. Be brutally honest. Maybe there is no real chemistry - I have met plenty of men who are the ideal man - but the packaging is not my favorite - if that is the case then it will never work because the physical has to be there too, maybe you are worried about getting hurt by him (you made a comment the good things haven't worn off - maybe you think they will)> Maybe all of us think about this crap too much! HA! Maybe you don't really want that kind of guy - maybe you want the ex-h kind of guy - if that is the case run to the nearest licensed therapist (if it is a bad thing)!

Who says we always have to figure every little bit out? Just take your time and use it the way you want to. And don't regret your choices if you are making honest, true to your heart choices.

My dog just came into my office and reminded me that we all need to lighten up a bit - go have fun. Be single and enjoy it.

Thanks Y4M---

I like the way you think! and what you had to say.

You may be right, maybe there is a piece of chemistry missing.
Then I have to wonder, will there be someone who meets all my criteria???

But, you mentioned, maybe I would want someone like my X, NO, I PRAY NOT.
While, I used to think he was a pretty great guy, respectful and such, the womanizer part was very hard to compete with.
Two affairs too many for me!

I think us hurt people do question the goodness of others.

I think it's right to take my time, and enjoy what this man has to offer, but at the same time, I don't want to jack him around either.
I feel like I should be alone if I don't know where I'm at.

For me the alone time is good because I have two daughters, and I have them 95% of the time, which is great.
When they are with their dad, its my time to be quiet, and enjoy it!

Thanks again for your input.
K

Very interesting comments ladies. I have been divorced for a year now. Started dating a few months afterward with no regrets. Let me give you a man's view on this subject and I am a lot like your man Karona, I am not the typical jerk player @ 32 years old. Man and woman were not put on this earth to be separate of each other living their lives for themselves. We were put on this earth to be there for one another, to comfort and hold each other, to love. Yeah bad things happen and marriages end, but it is not the end of the world.

Personally, I cannot wait to find a woman who will love me, care for me, let me just be me, and love her with all my heart. But the problem lies deeper. It is too easy to be selfish of our time and want it all to ourselves calling it "me time". That is a load of crap and if that is how you feel, you need to look deep within and pray to God that he softens your heart, otherwise you will wake up, be 60 years old and wonder why the heck you are so lonely. It has got to be insecurity that causes it. Get rid of the stubborness, be a little more open, and if you find a man that makes you happy and treats you good and takes care of you emotionally, you better hang on to him. There aren't many of us out there. We are definitely keepers when you catch one of us.

Now let me know if you think my opinion to wacky.

i agree, although i thonk everyone needs a little bit of alone time to be themselves and recharge.

I guess I just don't get the "alone time" thing. Maybe it's a woman thing. I believe that if you are in a healthy relationship you should have the opportunity for the "alone time". If you don't get that opportunity, then maybe your man is smothering you with his insecurity. 2 things...

1. Don't settle for anything less than the best
for you.

2. In the process of waiting for the right
thing (man) to settle for, don't lead some
poor innocent guy down a path you know is
going nowhere.

I could go on about this all night. This is fun.

Mind if I jump-in here? My divorce will be final in May, so no alone time just yet.

A couple of things: 1) I think in my next relationship I will stress a recreational or other activity that we both enjoy doing together. I don't just mean eating out, going to movies, reading books, etc. I mean something interactive that you can do together like an outdoor activity where you actually communicate, or playing cards or dominoes with friends. Something where you can TALK and do the activity at the same time. 2) Alone time is for reading or some other introverted thing. My soon-to-be ex-wife likes to read fiction right now, and I sometimes think I should start too so that we will have that in common. But I don't see the value in us both being readers. There is no communication, and it can be hours of silence. If both spouses are avid readers, then there would never be any talking!

I think the recreational activity and alone time are both important, but doing things together which allow you to communicate is more important than alone time IMHO.

Jody

I couldn't agree more. Like I said, a healthy relationship should provide you with enough time to yourself to take care of your own inner being. I do understand the alone time thing soon after a relationship ending, but when it is like the energizer bunny and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going, then there is a problem. I wonder how many people on here have sought counseling. It helps so much to figure out all those feelings inside that kind of drive you nuts.

I did not realize how important it is to have a common interest with the person you marry (or even date). Maybe that sounds dumb - but I did not have any role models for a good marriage and there isn't exactly a handbook. So while I have been on my own I have taken up shooting (I have always been a little afraid of guns,and it is a "man's" sport) But I did it and I am glad I did. It was empowering and I am good. So I am taking it to the next level by starting to shoot with a competition group. And I have also found that when I share that with men - it is one or the other extreme - either they freak out because I own and shoot guns, or I get Mr. Bubba who wants to live out at the deer lease all year long. But whatever, I have something I do on a regular basis and I like having some way to spend my time rather than reading - and it will all work out. And another thing I am doing is planning a trip to Belize in January, while I am there I am going to learn to SCUBA. I am doing these things - on my own - and of my own volition because I don't want any other person to take credit for bringing me into something and I want an activity I can do with or without another person - but would lend itself to being social and maybe being something I have in common with my next boyfriend/husband.
So yes, activities that can be shared are necessary - I have learned that much from my marriage. You have to be a better quality person to get a better quality person - right? That is also why I am going back to college to finish my degree.
There are so many exciting things about being single - after you get past the hurt of the divorce. My ex-h is having a hard time - that doesn't surprise me. He is a negative person and has a hard time getting past the ugly stuff in life - I am optimistic and generally positive. So this has been easier for me to make changes/move on.
I am going to tackle other things I have always been interested in or maybe a little afraid of doing. I want to learn to drive a motorcycle and maybe have one eventually. Nothing wrong with a little freedom and fun!

Very interesting Lucky!!

I think for me,
I don't want to lead this very nice man down a road of hurt. I worry about his feelings all the time.
He has told me not to worry about him, he is in it for whatever it is. That he can handle it.

I'm not sure I'm capable of giving to him.
I have two daughters that need me. One which has serious medical issues.

Sometimes I don't feel like there is any more of me left to give another person.

While this man is so wonderful, sometimes I do feel smoothered. Which is so weird to me.
When I was married, I so much wanted my H to be with me all the time. To do so much together.
He of course thought I was crazy!

Now, I have this type of person in my life, and it seems too much.

The comment you said about two people being on earth, reminds me of this guy.
He says to me, we were not put here by God, to be alone. Man and woman were made to be together, for support, love, etc....

I so believe that there are wonderful men out there, and I may very well have one of the very best. But, I feel very serious in the fact that I be up front with him, and tell him how I feel.
I think it's only fair. I know how I have been hurt, and I never want to cause pain like that for another human being.

Maybe it is more a woman thing, verses a man, not sure.

Thank you for your thoughts. They are very much appreciated!
K