I haven't been to bed. Couldn't stop crying long enough to sleep. I can't believe what he did last night. I can't believe what my baby girl did. And I can't believe what I did. When I talked w/ him at her house, I told him about all the lies I knew about and that I had forgiven every one. He told me no second chances, he had told everyone what it had been like for him for 10 years!! Just Tuesday, he was thinking about coming back. MIL said when she gave him my letter on Thursday, he grinned from ear to ear. Now I've blown it. I didn't yell, but I was brutally honest.<P>D and I will be ok - eventually. We've got a lot more talking to do. I didn't cancel her sleepover here tonite - I figure she could use a friend right now. I sure could. I do tell her that he loves her, that he's sick, that depression and emotional disorders are no different than any other illness, he can't help his words and his actions. He can't show her right now. It's not the same though, you know. She was little when Stewart left and he was mean as hell, so she was actually better once he was gone - her pediatrician called her a "changed child". But this one, she trusted, looked to for guidance, respected. And she's 15 now. This will be much harder for her.<P>I don't know what to expect when he comes. So far, throughout this whole ordeal, before and after he left, I have been supportive, understanding, ridiculously perfect. According to his family, it was working, too. He looked forward to hearing from me, to seeing me. Last night I wasn't. I never lost my temper, but I called a spade a spade. I pointed out what he had done, no sugar coating. I told him he was distorting our time together and telling people bad things about me and our marriage to justify his actions. I told him I was praying he'd find the man that he had always been so proud of. "What - and come home to you?" Really nasty. "I'd love more than anything to have you come home to me sothat we could find the future together we've always dreamed of, but I'd rather you find yourself and be a real man again, with or without me."<BR>He just got really quiet. Didn't say anything for a long time. I know he's still nervous and upset. Why was I so hard on him?<P>I told him I didn't contact him for me, but because his daughter needed him, needed his reassurance. And that the H I knew, the father I knew, would've dropped everything to be there for her - he always has. I told him I didn't understand how he could let her down, when she depended on him and trusted him so much, to sit there in that house with that child. He said he'd see me in the morning. <P>I don't know what I'll get this morning. If he even shows up, but he's got to get some job materials, so I'm betting he will. I'm pretty sure it won't be the warm and loving man that's been here the last couple of times. I hope I can handle this one better than last night.<P>And advice would be appreciated. I'm just drained.<P>Lori
