And don't forget to read the MB concepts on the site.
Also, use only "I" statements. I feel . .
I believe . . .
Non-accusatory.

And if anyone states that you are verbally abusive, look into this with a counselor.
Good Luck.

yeah.... 'I' statements help out a lot with her. Shoulda kept this in mind the whole time.

Have you ever wondered why you became attracted to a woman with a mental illness? If you find that out, you mabey have some clue to solve the problem.

I met many troubled men in my dating life. None that I married. But If I did choose one of those I would have had to question WHY. WHY did I choose someone unstable WHY do I stay with them WHY can't sombody else deal with thier selfishness, inability to give to others, and thier constant problems and troubles and dramas.

What makes you want this TYPE of woman?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> Have you ever wondered why you became attracted to a woman with a mental illness? If you find that out, you mabey have some clue to solve the problem.

I met many troubled men in my dating life. None that I married. But If I did choose one of those I would have had to question WHY. WHY did I choose someone unstable WHY do I stay with them WHY can't sombody else deal with thier selfishness, inability to give to others, and thier constant problems and troubles and dramas.

What makes you want this TYPE of woman? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and again until my dying day. I love her. And everything that's wrong with her is not worth giving up on the beautiful and wonderful parts of her. She satisfies me in more ways than anyone in my life ever has.
This problem is only something that has been a problem for the last four months. (tow of which, we have been apart for) I know, deep down, somewhere, she does love me as much as I love her... I'm just waiting for it to camo back to the surface.
She really is worth it.

Update: Latest letter to my wife. We're talking a little again.
Tell me how I'm doing... I hope the information here has helped enough... but, even then, I'm still all about continuing to improve... I'll never 'rest on my laurels' again.

"I'm sorry. You're right. You deserve a pleasant trip home. I honestly don't know what to say for myself in all of this. I guess I've just been acting childish, and letting my emotions get the better of me. I was wrong for that.
I've damaged our marriage by my actions. I only wanted to help us. I thought I was doing the right thing... but, obviously, from the way you reacted, it wasn't.
You don't want to talk now? That's ok. But, I still want a chance to talk to you after you've calmed down. Whenever you think you're ready. I know I've beenacting stupid... but I don't believe it's too late to start over.
As for 'having my own life'... well... that's a matter of perspective, I guess. I married you, and took (daughter's name omitted) as my own child because I loved you both, and wanted you both to be a major part of my life. We're
all mostly inseparable, now. There isn't much either of us can do about it... especially now that you're pregnant with my child.
If I could feel right about forgetting about you, and walking away, I would. But I can't... no matter how hard I've tried. It isn't that I don't have a life... it's just that the pull from inside me to 'do the right thing', and the love I have for you, and the children are both way too strong for me to ignore. I'll stick with you, no matter what. I'm never going to abandon you. But, I'm going to stop being angry with you... starting right now. And, I'm going to stop
pushing you.
You've said before that you don't love me right now. Well... of course you don't. I've made too many major emotional withdrawls from you, and haven't put enough back to make up for it. I'm noticing that, as close as I am to being shut down, the 'account' seems to still be open.
This is all your deal... you're in control, now. I'm sorry for ever trying to take that from you in any capacity. I was wrong for it. I thought I needed to... I guess I made a big mistake. It always killed me inside to have to talk to you like I did... but, I didn't know how to deal with you. I'm getting a lot of help... and, it seems to be working.
You said before that you don't know what I want from you... so, I'll let you in on what I want. I want us to be happy. I want us to be a healthy family that doesn't fight over stupid bull***t, and works things out constructively. I want to be able to talk to you, and I want to be able to be with you. I want to start doing things that will help you want to love me again, and help you want all the things that I want.
What I don't want from us is the constant battles, the constant hurting, and the constant abuse towards oneanother. I don't want us to not talk, and I don't want us to be apart. Also, I don't want us to try and force eachother into anything.
Mostly... if we can't have it that way... I wouldn't want us to try and waste our time with an unhealthy marriage. I want you back... but only after we can feel safe, and trusting around oneanother. Please allow me the chance to prove to you that we can have this... when you're ready to hear it out again.
At any rate. It's good to hear from you... I was
starting to fear that I never would again.Let me know if you want me to respond again today, or not. I love you, and I've forgiven everything... I know there is a way to get past all of this. I've chosen my resolve, and I won't waver from it. I know, now what I'm getting into, and I'm ready for it.

in remorse, love, and brokenness...
-Jarod"

But, I still want a chance to talk to you after you've calmed down.

How about: I would love to have a chance to talk to you, when you are ready.

This is all your deal... you're in control, now. I'm sorry for ever trying to take that from you in any capacity. I was wrong for it. I thought I needed to... I guess I made a big mistake. It always killed me inside to have to talk to you like I did... but, I didn't know how to deal with you. I'm getting a lot of help... and, it seems to be working.

How about: You need to do what is right for you. I am sorry for ever trying to take that from you in any capacity. I now realize how wrong I was. I made a mistake and I am working on changing the way I respond to you. I know that you need to see these changes and I am trying my best to show you that I am making these changes.

----- the rest is about perfect. Only YOU know what she's like. Maybe right now she just wants a little bit. I guess my question (as a woman) would be: You say it all in this letter, what are you going to say the next time that's going to draw her that much closer to you.

Maybe an example of how you treated her, that she remembers, and then put how you feel about how you treated her and what you learned about it. Example : " I remember when I yelled at you to get your attention. I realize how (feeling word here...cautious? scared? annoyed?) you must have felt. I am so sorry for treating you that way. I should have (what would you do NOW) to get your attention."

I want to avoid repeating myself.... she's heard too much already about my changes.... she needs to see them, now, and not be told anymore.
Also, I'm dealing with a possible BDP... she needs the control until she accepts help for her condition. I have to be able to give her that from now on (while still setting boundaries). So, I'm pretty sure telling her that I'm going to let her have me under her thumb to an extent is the best thing for her to hear. And, I will follow through on that until I can get her to go see a doctor, so we can get her some therapy.

Jarod,
Just read this now. It sounds ALOT better!! I agree with what Elan pointed out.

Good job,
Symphony

you really think so?

hmmm.... I just thought of something.... it's off subject, though. I have a quick question for you, Elan...
You didn't happen to have named yourself after a car, did you? Lotus Elan?

Jarod,
Yes, I really think so. Now you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk? It's so important that you told her the things you did and I believe that you truely mean it. You are going to have to really work on yourself now to prove it. Continue reading and talking. Keep learning all you can and think it through before you speak. If you feel yourself getting upset...STOP. Don't allow yourself to react. You don't get alot of chances to screw up right now and you can control you. Take a break, breathe, and THINK before you react. If you are keeping contact in mails then it's pretty easy to take the time. Face to face is tougher. You guys know how to push eachothers buttons and she will expect you to fail. Don't let it happen. If you feel you can't control yourself then tell her that you need to step away from it for awhile and leave, get your head straight and then go back.

I would be interested in you telling me what you feel you have learned this last week and how you can put it into practice. Wanna tell?

I'm proud of you,
Symphony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Symphony of Life:
<strong> Jarod,
Yes, I really think so. Now you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?

I would be interested in you telling me what you feel you have learned this last week and how you can put it into practice. Wanna tell?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what have I learned this week?
-don't cast blame... not even on myself (while still taking responsibility for my mistakes)
-leave things alone when it seems the only thing I can do is get angry
-agree with her instead of defending myself
-don't get on her case for anything... remember that I've forgiven her, and leave it at that
-nothing that's already been said many times needs to be said again.... with the exception of "I love you".... she gets it by now... I didn't marry a stupid woman
-stop worrying so much... be patient

YAY Jarod!!

It sounds like you are thinking in the right direction and with the correct thoughts and actions you can make change. Keep working on yourself and in the end you will be better able to work on your marriage and help your wife.

Don't get too caught up in labeling her with a certain disorder just do what you can to gently convince her to get help for herself. If you can find someone else who might be better able to convince her.

I am really seeing some change in attitude in you and have all the hope in the world that you can be a stong and faithful husband your wife can learn to trust and count on.

Keep up the good work!!
Symphony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Symphony of Life:
<strong> YAY Jarod!!

It sounds like you are thinking in the right direction and with the correct thoughts and actions you can make change. Keep working on yourself and in the end you will be better able to work on your marriage and help your wife.

Don't get too caught up in labeling her with a certain disorder just do what you can to gently convince her to get help for herself. If you can find someone else who might be better able to convince her.

I am really seeing some change in attitude in you and have all the hope in the world that you can be a stong and faithful husband your wife can learn to trust and count on.

Keep up the good work!!
Symphony </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you could tell her that.

No matter.... I will myself soon enough... but, not with words...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elan:
<strong> But, I still want a chance to talk to you after you've calmed down.

How about: I would love to have a chance to talk to you, when you are ready.

This is all your deal... you're in control, now. I'm sorry for ever trying to take that from you in any capacity. I was wrong for it. I thought I needed to... I guess I made a big mistake. It always killed me inside to have to talk to you like I did... but, I didn't know how to deal with you. I'm getting a lot of help... and, it seems to be working.

How about: You need to do what is right for you. I am sorry for ever trying to take that from you in any capacity. I now realize how wrong I was. I made a mistake and I am working on changing the way I respond to you. I know that you need to see these changes and I am trying my best to show you that I am making these changes.

----- the rest is about perfect. Only YOU know what she's like. Maybe right now she just wants a little bit. I guess my question (as a woman) would be: You say it all in this letter, what are you going to say the next time that's going to draw her that much closer to you.

Maybe an example of how you treated her, that she remembers, and then put how you feel about how you treated her and what you learned about it. Example : " I remember when I yelled at you to get your attention. I realize how (feeling word here...cautious? scared? annoyed?) you must have felt. I am so sorry for treating you that way. I should have (what would you do NOW) to get your attention." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok..... here goes.... I'm already mapping out the next letter. And, I'm trying to pound things into my own head to make myself remember, so I won't screw up when we're face-to-face again.

This is how the next letter will read:

"My dearest wife,

I've been recalling all the times I yelled at you to try and get your attention, or make you listen... and how I would never leave it alone until both of us were hurt so badly that we couldn't do much more than try to hurt eachother even worse. I've been going over those incidents backwards and forwards, inside and out, to try and figure out exactly where I went wrong. I understand, now.
I realize how scared, angry, and powerless that made you feel. And, I know that those are the feelings you hate the most. I will try my damnedest to never make you feel those things again.
I am deeply and honestly regretful for treating you that way. I should've been much more patient, and broke away until you were ready to give me your attention. I promise you that I will do just that from now on.
In the course of all my thinking, and pondering, and toiling, I have come up with the basics of a plan for us. Many of the ways I will help us be happy together... help you be happy with me. I spoke of a resolve before, but I haven't said anything specific to you yet.

Let me explain to you what my resolve is... the way I will treat you if you and I are together again. All the ways I will treat you like the goddess you are to me. I hope you believe me when I say these things... because this is as truthful as a man gets.
I want to make our home a safe, happy, and peaceful place for us, and our children. I will add more things to the list as time goes by, and I learn more about you. Here's what I've got so far:

-When either of us are angry over ANYTHING. I will be the one to step away for a while. I will be the one to allow us space. This burden will never fall on your shoulders again. You bore it too many times in the past, and there is no reason for you to ever bear it again. I will see to this.
-We will have a time every day that will be set aside for us each to think about anything we're having a problem with, alone. Time to reflect, time to release, and time to just sit and do nothing. I believe this will help, because I understand how private and internal you really are. I'm starting to find that, to an extent, I am, too.
-You may choose a word. Any word at all. It'll be your 'safety word'. If you ever say it to me, for any reason... I will stop dead in my tracks, and say; "Yes, honey. I understand. I love you.", and I'll walk away until you come get me. Tell me what the word will be the next time we talk.
-We both know by now how important sex is to both of us. We're not equals at all in that regard. I'm sorry I ever tired to change your mind, and I'm especially sorry for the way I tried. That aspect of our life is something I've never apologized for. I was a fool when it came to that. I want you to enjoy ever time we ever make love again... so, I've come up with a solution to the problem. I need a sign of some sort. We can make this a game, kinda. That blacklight lamp you have... if we move back in together... place it on your nightstand. Turn it on when we go to bed if you're in the mood... or, leave it off if you're not. I will never defy that rule. Simple, no?
-You seem to be best at planning activities. That's your job from now on. When you're bored... make a plan. We'll do it. No questions.
-We will have at least one night a week where we can get away from everything, and go somewhere alone. We'll leave the kids with someone, and go out. I regret never being able to do the 'dating' thing before we moved in together. We started way too serious, and skipped past the entire first stages of a relationship. I want us to have that back.
-If you ever need a whole day to yourself, you can have it. I understand how overwhelmed you are by the course your life took. You weren't ready to be a mother, or a wife... but, that's what you are. The only thing we can do about how crazy that makes you, is this: On one of my days off from work, you may leave at any time, and come back when you're ready. Do something to unwind, and come back relieved. I want you to have the right to be able to do this... especially now that we'll have a family of four. This will be my gift to you for being such a good mother, and trying your hardest to be a good wife.
-You will have a gift from me to wake up to every single morning. Be it a love letter, a poem, a box of candy, a rose, or something to make you laugh. You deserve it. When everything is put back into place with us, the greatest gift in the world for me will be waking up to see you next to me. I will need nothing else from you ever again, but your continued and unfailing love, loyalty, and mere presence. I will owe you more than I could ever give for you to grant me this second chance.
-I will always appreciate you in every way, and I will continue to search for ways to appreciate you more for the rest of our lives. It will be something that will never be complete... only made better.
-It will be a rare occasion that you ever wash a dish. Hold me to this.
-When we buy a house... you will have your own area in it that I will only enter when invited. No exceptions (unless you have a medical emergency in there ).

You can take all these promises to the bank. The check won't bounce.
What I would love to see some day is a similar list from you to me. Oh, gods, would that make my whole life to see something like that from you. But, we can wait a while for that. All I need right now is a response from you. I'll be waiting for you to tell me that you want these things from me. Even if your reply to this letter is one word... I'm praying that it will say "yes".
You can't see me, but know that the tears are streaming down my face as I type this. Tears of joy at the thought of recieving that reply from you I've been waiting for.... and tears of sorrow over the thought of silence from you.
Hear I am, my love.... yours for the taking. I will always be.

I love you...
-Jarod"

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

Hey Jarod: I TYPED IN UPPER CASE WITH MY COMMENTS (NOT YELLIN!)

"My dearest wife, -- TRY HER FIRST NAME. SHE ALREADY KNOWS SHE'S YOUR WIFE, DONT' DRIVE IT HOME.

I've been recalling all the times I yelled at you to try and get your attention, or make you listen... and how I would never leave it alone until both of us were hurt so badly that we couldn't do much more than try to hurt eachother even worse. I've been going over those incidents backwards and forwards, inside and out, to try and figure out exactly where I went wrong. I understand, now. (EXCELLENT)
(I realize how --YOU DON'T KNOW, SO DON'T SAY IT THIS WAY) I THINK YOU MUST HAVE BEEN scared, angry, and powerless that made you feel. And, I know that those are the feelings you hate the most. I will try my damnedest to never make you feel those things again.
I am deeply and honestly regretful for treating you that way. I should've been much more patient, and broke away until you were ready to give me your attention. I promise you that I will do just that from now on.
In the course of all my thinking, and pondering, and toiling, (I have come up with the basics of a plan for us.) -- ISN'T THAT SO VERY NICE OF YOU! *YOU* HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN. WHAT IS SHE? CHOPPED LIVER? SORRY -- NOT TO BE CRITICAL, BUT IT'S THE FIRST REACTION I WOULD THINK AND I WOULD STOP *LISTENING* AFTER THIS LINE. HOW ABOUT -- "I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW WE COULD BE HAPPY TOGETHER. I WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO WORK OUT, BUT OBVIOUSLY THE *OLD* WAY WASN'T WORKING. (Many of the ways I will help us be happy together... help you be happy with me. I spoke of a resolve before, but I haven't said anything specific to you yet.) TAKE ALL THIS OUT -- SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL AND SHE HAS NO INPUT.

(Let me explain to you what my resolve is... the way I will treat you if you and I are together again. All the ways I will treat you like the goddess you are to me. I hope you believe me when I say these things... because this is as truthful as a man gets.) -- TRY: I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS AND SHOW YOU HOW A HUSBAND SHOULD TREAT HIS WIFE.
(GREAT)-->I want to make our home a safe, happy, and peaceful place for us, and our children. (I will add more things to the list as time goes by,) <--TAKE THIS OUT. AGAIN IT'S YOU DRIVING THAT BUS. and I learn more about you. Here's what I've got so far:

-----> Sorry, but there is so much I see that I would change. I know this is coming from your heart, but when I read your words it sounds like you are saying all this just so that she changes her mind. Try a letter focusing on what YOU have found out about yourself. Try a letter that tells her about the HURT you feel, how you feel about the things you realize that you have done to her...and above all else ---> NO PRESSURE.

I remember back to when my marriage ended. At the beginning my ex too was writing me all these letters and although I felt it was an *attempt*, his words rang hollow. He was all *words* and never showed me anything. For all those years I wanted to know what was going on in HIS head. What HE was thinking, how HE wanted to change. I too got letters that basically after the first couple of lines I ignored the rest.

Sometimes wanting something so badly is driven further away if you chase it too much. Does that make sense? Concentrate more on what YOU can do for YOU and those kids. Take a break from writing the letters. If anything, write her a letter asking her what you can do to help with the kids and what SHE wants you to do for now. Tell her you love her, and understand her need for space and that you are working on YOU. If she has any suggestions to please let you know so that you can be the husband you should have been all along. Just an idea.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elan:
<strong> Hey Jarod: I TYPED IN UPPER CASE WITH MY COMMENTS (NOT YELLIN!)

"My dearest wife, -- TRY HER FIRST NAME. SHE ALREADY KNOWS SHE'S YOUR WIFE, DONT' DRIVE IT HOME. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I did use her first name... I just don't want to broadcast it here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I've been recalling all the times I yelled at you to try and get your attention, or make you listen... and how I would never leave it alone until both of us were hurt so badly that we couldn't do much more than try to hurt eachother even worse. I've been going over those incidents backwards and forwards, inside and out, to try and figure out exactly where I went wrong. I understand, now. (EXCELLENT)
(I realize how --YOU DON'T KNOW, SO DON'T SAY IT THIS WAY) I THINK YOU MUST HAVE BEEN scared, angry, and powerless that made you feel. And, I know that those are the feelings you hate the most. I will try my damnedest to never make you feel those things again.
I am deeply and honestly regretful for treating you that way. I should've been much more patient, and broke away until you were ready to give me your attention. I promise you that I will do just that from now on.
In the course of all my thinking, and pondering, and toiling, (I have come up with the basics of a plan for us.) -- ISN'T THAT SO VERY NICE OF YOU! *YOU* HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN. WHAT IS SHE? CHOPPED LIVER? SORRY -- NOT TO BE CRITICAL, BUT IT'S THE FIRST REACTION I WOULD THINK AND I WOULD STOP *LISTENING* AFTER THIS LINE. HOW ABOUT -- "I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW WE COULD BE HAPPY TOGETHER. I WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO WORK OUT, BUT OBVIOUSLY THE *OLD* WAY WASN'T WORKING. (Many of the ways I will help us be happy together... help you be happy with me. I spoke of a resolve before, but I haven't said anything specific to you yet.) TAKE ALL THIS OUT -- SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL AND SHE HAS NO INPUT.

(Let me explain to you what my resolve is... the way I will treat you if you and I are together again. All the ways I will treat you like the goddess you are to me. I hope you believe me when I say these things... because this is as truthful as a man gets.) -- TRY: I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS AND SHOW YOU HOW A HUSBAND SHOULD TREAT HIS WIFE.
(GREAT)-->I want to make our home a safe, happy, and peaceful place for us, and our children. (I will add more things to the list as time goes by,) <--TAKE THIS OUT. AGAIN IT'S YOU DRIVING THAT BUS. and I learn more about you. Here's what I've got so far:

-----> Sorry, but there is so much I see that I would change. I know this is coming from your heart, but when I read your words it sounds like you are saying all this just so that she changes her mind. Try a letter focusing on what YOU have found out about yourself. Try a letter that tells her about the HURT you feel, how you feel about the things you realize that you have done to her...and above all else ---> NO PRESSURE.

I remember back to when my marriage ended. At the beginning my ex too was writing me all these letters and although I felt it was an *attempt*, his words rang hollow. He was all *words* and never showed me anything. For all those years I wanted to know what was going on in HIS head. What HE was thinking, how HE wanted to change. I too got letters that basically after the first couple of lines I ignored the rest.

Sometimes wanting something so badly is driven further away if you chase it too much. Does that make sense? Concentrate more on what YOU can do for YOU and those kids. Take a break from writing the letters. If anything, write her a letter asking her what you can do to help with the kids and what SHE wants you to do for now. Tell her you love her, and understand her need for space and that you are working on YOU. If she has any suggestions to please let you know so that you can be the husband you should have been all along. Just an idea. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good insight. Thank you. It's good that you pointed all those things out to me.
However, I must tell you that I'd already decided to wait on sending her this letter for a little while.

Her Real Name......Hee hee..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> DUH...please note ----> Elan did NOT have her coffee.

Glad you decided not to send it. Think on it some more!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elan:
<strong> Her Real Name......Hee hee..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> DUH...please note ----> Elan did NOT have her coffee.

Glad you decided not to send it. Think on it some more! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about this instead?

"Dearest wife,

It's a whole lot easier to cope with things now. I'm still miserable without you and the baby... but, it's not so hard on me anymore. I think the next 2 months are going to turn out fine.
I've got another letter to send you... but, I'll wait until you've left Vegas to send that one. I hope that you'll be ready for it by that time. It's a little long-winded... but, I think you'll like what I have to say.
Anyways... all these changes that I've gone through... I realized something in the last two weeks. My thinking was what changed right away... my actions had yet to follow along. The last two weeks have been pretty weird for me. I'm starting to find, more and more that my over-all way of behaving is improving. It's weird because I don't even feel like the same person anymore. I do things, then sit back and think 'now, where did that come from?'.
It was so frustrating to me to know what I had to do, yet I couldn't help but fall back into the same **** I was doing to piss you off before. Now, though, I find it easier, and easier all the time to actually put my lessons into practice. You should see me now... people hardly recognize me.
The way I deal with anger, and hurt... it's not the same now. I don't explode, and I don't feel like I need explanations for everything. I still ask for them, but I'm acceptant when they aren't given. I'm starting to ask less, too.
The few things in my life that still manage to get my blood boiling... I'm getting rid of those. Not going to think about them anymore. It takes too much of my time and energy away from doing what I need to do... so, those things have to go.
I'm starting to come to like who I am more, and more every day. Each time I find a way to do something different, I feel better about myself, and more hopeful for us. This therapy thing is really helping me out.

Basically, it comes down to this. You already know where I stand, and you know that I'm not moving back from what I've said I want. Whether or not you've accepted this, I don't know. I don't know much about you anymore. You seem to be a completely different person from when we first met. That's why when I kept doing what I'd been doing before, it all of a sudden stopped working, and started making things worse after your miscarriage.
Which brings me to another thought. I have to ask if there's anything you hold against me for that. I've been wondering if I made a mistake in not staying at the hospital with you, or withdrawing like I did. I don't know why I acted like that... I guess I just don't deal with death very well. That's no excuse, though... I should have been more thoughtful of you.
I've tried all sorts of things in my panicked rush to fix what was wrong. A lot of those things just ended up being major setbacks. I got angry at you when I should have just let things be. I tried to get you to talk under conditions where talk was the worst thing for us. And, I applied pressure to you in areas I should have never touched with any kind of force, or upset feelings. How can I properly apologize to you for all that?
Maybe if I'd bothered to take my time, and think things through, it wouldn't have ever got this bad. But, that's the past. All I can do now is use the lessons I've been learning to do things differently in the future. Now that I know all this... what am I going to do with it?
The next letter will answer that question.

So... on to the less serious stuff. Is our daughter doing alright? You said she was sick. I hope she's feeling better. She doing anything new?
How are you feeling? Have you gone to see an obstetrician yet? If so, what's the news? Is my baby healthy?
Looking forward to your trip home? I'm going to try to send a little care package out there ahead of you. Some things to make you smile, and such. It won't be a lot... but, it'll be from me. I really hope you enjoy yourself while you're home. Relax, kick back, and shake off Vegas completely. It'll be good for you.
I got that job I was waiting for this week. I think they're gonna pay me $10 an hour. Maybe more. Looking forward to it. I guess I start on Monday.
Next month, I'll start looking at apartments. It'll be nice to not have to answer to anyone. Lonely, for sure... but, then again, even in a crowd, I'm still lonely without you. Furniture is my only concern. I'll scour yard sales a couple weeks before I move, and see what I can find.
Like I said.... therapy is going well. I'm learning a lot, and applying it more.

Well... that's all for now. I hope to hear back from you.
I love you, and I miss you. I hope July will still be something to look forward to...

All my love, and devotion...
-Jarod"

Jarod,
I can see you are really trying!! Don't send either one yet, I need to think a little (and let my morning tea kick in) and I'll write my thoughts to you. You are getting there...it takes time.
Symphony

J,

I saw your post at "other issues."
I responded.

My advice?

Leave her alone. Stop forcing the issue. You are scaring her away.
You can't fix everything by yourself.
I know you want to find the right words to tell her so she will come running back.
A simple "I love you for who you are as an individual, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" should do it.
Stop obsessing and find a way to relax.
You have lost sight of yourself as an individual.
Back up and slow down.

Pray for peace.
Find time for quiet meditation.
You aren't listening to the Big Man.
You can't control this one, this time.

I remember feeling desperate like you do.
It's no fun.
Words cannot discribe it.

This has nothing to do with your age or mine.
I've been here, where you are right now.
Learn from my experience.
Learn from all of us.

Aly