To start off with, I finally have my own computer. No more going to the library or Kinko's to use the computer.
So I hope I don't over-extend my welcome on here.
I haven't posted in a while.
My spiral downward started a little over a year ago.
I was married to my wife for 17 years, we have 2 young daughters together.
She wasn't happy.
(interruption, it seems like each time I post I start by telling my whole story again, is there a way around this?, any suggestions?)
The last 5-6 months of our marriage, she said she was done, she didn't love me.
This became later on that she hated me, just wish I would go away, give her a divorce.
Then the last couple of months of our marriage, it became, "You are and have been abusive during our whole marriage, both physical and emotional)
I was desperatly trying to save the marriage, we went to a non-christian counsilor 3 times in the summer. On the first meeting he told me, there wasn't much hope, that she was done.
He met with us seperatly only 3 times 1 together.
A few months passed, the week before I was thrown out, (I'll get to that later), we went to another non-christian counsilor, we were there only 20 minutes and the woman came to the conclusion that it was too late, she basically challenged my wife to divorce me, she said she had no backbone, that all she had to do was file.
Of course I didn't approve of this counsilors opinion at all. How a person after only 20 minutes can say that, to say it is too late, that she could not help us.
Of course this was everything my wife wanted to here, to reinforce her want of the divorce.
Did this counsilor realize that she was saying to rip our family apart, to have 2 little girls confused, to be living in 2 different homes, to not ever see there parents together.
The day after going to that counsilor, I discovered Marriage Builders, everything made sense, I read my wife the ideal of marriage builders, we seemed to connect on what was supposidly wrong. We even talked about going to a seminar. Well that all changed the next day, after she returned from work, her whole attitude changed, she couldn't or wouldn't go because of work conflict. (who was she confiding to at work, I wonder).
Because the next day I found myself on the receiving end of a restraining order, my kid's were gone, (she had taken them out of school), no
one was answering their phones (that would be my in-laws), I had no one to turn to, no where to go, no answers, I was in shock.
Over the next few weeks I found out lots of things I didn't know, but suspected.
It seems there was a man at her work, (married but seperated) she was seeing, though she told me that she didn't start seeing him till after, I suspected otherwise.
Because just 1 week after serving me with r/o, she is dating him, not only dating him, but bringing him to her house to see my daughters, introducing him to her family. This devastated me.
What made this extra hard, is that 15 years ago, I moved to her home state with her so she could live around her family, her brother lived across the street, her mom and dad just a couple miles away. All my family was 2000 miles away.
So I was faced with being completely alone.
Her family turned their back on me, only saw them when they dropped my kids off to me at a neutral site, of course each time they met me they had some of my belongings with them, seems my wife was clearing everything, every memory out of our house.
Thru the divorce process, my wife would not talk to me, I could not contact her, she didn't even have the courage (not sure if courage is right word) to drop the kids off, she used her parents as a go between.
So now a year later, her co-worker man, of course moved in, when he moved in I don't know maybe 6 months ago. I never returned to my house since the day I left.
She still keeps the restraining order on me (I guess I am under her thumb so to speak), yes I know fight the r/o, I tried, but the court system where I live is very liberal, there was no proof, just her saying she was afraid.
Afraid why?, because of what she had done to me, afraid because it is just an excuse to justify what she has done, It is amazing what someone can do to a person, someone you loved could do.
So did she use the abuse angle as an excuse, as a way to justify in her mind what she had done.
It is just so weird how it went from her saying Oh I don't love you, I don't want to be married, I just want my space.
To he is a domestic abuser and I need a protection order against him.
Yet within 1 week she is out dating this man.

..................MORE
So I'll get to the jest of where I am today.
I don't hate her, I hate and am hurt by what she has done.
You see I went from loving her and living with her to all of the sudden being cast out, cast out with not
so much as a goodbye.
She didn't face any of this lonliness she already had somebody.
So everyday I am faced with her and him dropping my kids off at the curb of my house (while I wait inside) Sure it is fine for them to drop them off at my house, but I am not allowed to drop them off at her house.
She can call me, she does, to tell me when the kids are coming, but I am not allowed to call her even about the kids.
So if I need to contact her one of our daughters has to make the call.
And all I see is this man (who I have never talked to) who has stolen my family. That is how I feel, I know she is to blame too, but that is how I feel.
It hurts just so much.........................

I pray everyday for the return of my family.......but this will never happen with him in the picture.
I have been told to move on, I'm trying, of course I was told by people to move on right after the whole thing started.
It just is so hard seeing how easy it was for her to move on, without skipping a beat.
Does she have no remorse of guilt?
It seems like I was just a name on that is on a chalkboard, that was just erased.
Not someone that had spent both of their whole adult lives with.

rufustfirefly,

Glad you got your own computer. Sounds like you could have used it a while ago so you could have spent more time here to help you get through things.

It sounds to me like you are still too wrapped upin what she has done and what she is doing.

What are you doing? how are you moving on with yourself and your daughters?

I know it's hard and I am no better at doing it than any of us be we realy do need to do our best to not be concerned with her life and work on our own.

And if she wants to live this kind of life, you should feel sorry for her for being the pathetic immature guilty person that she is.

Sorry! I can't realy say that because I don't know her but if she is the kind of person that can make you feel like this, I'm probably not too far off.
WIWH

I never put a RO on my H even though he broke my arm, and he's the one who had an A, but I did go watch court proceedings in case I wanted to file if there was another incident. What impressed me is that there is simply no legal recourse for someone whose spouse has an A. It's a joke. Abuse and exposure of affairs can coincide. It's called vigilante justice.

Anyway, take the high road and get into an anger management group. The A is likely to die a natural death at some point. If you are in the Twin Cities, I can suggest the name of my H's group.

Cherished

Why do you suggest an anger management group for me?.........................
Maybe a hurt management group....but not an anger management group!

Cherished

It sounds like you and your husband are trying to work it out, that is great.
For me I was thrown out like the trash.

Your feelings sound so familiar. Why is it that a WS makes up such incredible lies? I know the crap I have heard so much junk from my ex. And the OW'exh and I email back and forth. She is the biggest false teller in the world. In fact I know she told my exh that her exh was abusive and a drug addict. (made my ex feel like a rescuer) From what I know of this man it can not be true. If it was why would her ex have custody of the kids, and why would her dad not speak to her anymore yet have a wonderful relationship with her ex and the kids.???? Many questions.

Your comparing her moving on to your lonliness I think is normal. It was for me. I have been divorced now about 3 months. Seperated since June 03. I still go throught this when I get the blues. I start to feel sorry for myself. But then I remember that I am healthy and he is not. What kind of a relationship forms out of "Hey let's get our marriage license the same day the divorce is final" type of marriage. In order for us to be healthy and have a healthy relationship we have to learn who and what we are. They skipped that step and went straight to that new exciting relationship because they have no clue what a true meaningful marriage is about. It is sad that there are preachers out there who will marry anyone! No wonder our divorce rate is so high. My ex is marrying the OW this month. She is already cheating on him. He is a cop and she is smoking pot infront of him. She is an abusive woman who has so little love in her heart that she can just up and leave her 3 children without a thought. Will this relationship end in divorce? I would give it a 90% chance of getting some lawyer some money in the future. lol.

Sorry... I have kind of gotten off track! Can you tell I still have some anger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just some idea's from my experience.... 1st - deal with the fact that yes your marriage can end and you truely have to control over it. Kind of like that roller coaster and you are just along for the ride. You have 2 choices.... sit by and wait... (maybe in a few years you spouse will wake up) Or you can file.

I know for me the waiting just hindered my recovery further. I love this website. But I can say that everyone in my life was pulling me to quit w/ the denial. "move on" "file" "he is not coming back and if he does you deserve better"
And everyone here just gave me hope. But that hope I think held me back from moving past that mourning stage of denial. Once I got past that point.. I was much healthier. Once I filed I had lots of mixed feelings. But once it was all final I found peace. Now I know my life is mine. None of his manipulations matter cause it does not affect me.

Now remember this is all just my opinoin. And my opinoins are sometime's wrong (Shhhh! don't tell anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Also know that you have kids.. and I don't so that makes a difference too. I hope that helps.

Just make your life your own. Get a hobby. I craft. lol. Make new friends. Get a pet. They are great to cuddle w/. If you have not already check into if you need anti depressants. They really helped me.

God Bless (talk to him)

(((( HUG )))))
Find a reason to smile every day! find a good joke. Find a good friend to tell you a joke! Laughter is the best medicine.

Take Care,

HFB04

....I just wanted to regenerate this.... I needed more feedback...............I am feeling really down right now.

Just thought I would give you a hug ((hug))

I don't have anymore to say really. I have not even heard any good jokes lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just know We are all here to support you. I will give you a just for fun website. www.2dorks.com

It is a local radio station's morning team's site. They are funny and have lots of funny links. Hope that helps put a small smile on your face.

God Bless,

HFB04

rustfirefly,

Just a couple of things that you might want to consider. I am the WIFE who placed a restraining order on her HUSBAND. I was afraid -- although he never hit me, he raped me (his husbandly right) and he verbally, emotionally, financially, mentally abused me. Although I didn't know the words then -- all I knew was I was afraid. When the judge questioned me, I answered his questions truthfully. HE was the one that placed a restraining order on. He asked if I wanted SOLE custody, which I should have at the time said YES.

Now flash forward a couple of weeks after that. I am alone in the house and he's calling -- continually calling saying he loves me and please let him move home. When I say no, he starts screaming at me on the phone. He tells me that I am the one *confused* and I am the one *controlling* and *angry*. I think that perhaps he might be right and I DO ATTEND ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES. It was one of the BEST things I did for myself. Did I think that I was an abusive person? No, I knew that the way I reacted to my husband at times wasn't right -- but at least I was willing to work on ME --not work on HIM, but work on ME.

Anger management classes taught me how to be a better parent. Anger management classes taught me how to handle volatile people who are aggressive and abusive. Anger management classes taught me boundaries and how to not be a doormat. Anger management classes taught me how to respond to people who are rude and pushy. That's just a few of the things that anger management taught me. It also taught me that I am NOT AN ABUSIVE person. The judge in turn was thrilled that I did go to the classes. The classes turned me to other resources to help my kids cope and deal with the REAL parent who was ABUSIVE. The judge also KEPT the restraining order ON THE PARENT THAT WAS ABUSIVE. Until he completes the anger management classes, the restraining order will NEVER be removed.

Anger management classes were well worth the time I spent going there and showed me what kind of person I NEVER want to get involved with EVER again. The bonus is the lessons that I have been able to pass onto the kids -- they too will NOT repeat this cycle that their father shows them.

None of us can understand what you have gone through. I feel for you. I hope you can move on as others have said. I too hear the lies, using the courts as a weapon against us. Using our friends against us. The RO was gotten on you so you could not try to work on the relationship. It was to keep you from finding out too soon what she was up to. Families always take sides. It's what they do. Nothing we can do to change it. Get a lawyer, get the ball rolling, start learning how to protect yourself, stand up for your beliefs. OM Was a home wrecker. I have had opportunities, but didnt act on them. You know why? Because, It is dishonorable. I have single and semi single ( relationship on the rocks and going nowhere) friends that I could be with, and I let them know that I just need friends right now. If that door opens someday, fine. If not, fine. I chose not to follow that avenue. You sound like you have been on the punching bag end. Be the best you can be. Be the best dad you can be. Restraining orders have expirations. Get your lawyer to show why she really got one. To hide her infidelity from you. I give MAN Hugs too, so consider yourself hugged.

HIRED HELP

Thank you for understanding where I come from, what the restraining order was used for.

ELAN

Your response is typical when you mention RESTRAINING ORDER, It is a terrible label.
Has anyone labeled by ex, LIAR, CHEATER, or anything like that.
When someone gets a restraining order on someone for the right reason they don't have somebody literally waiting in the wings to step in the very next week.

So thanks again HIRED HELP for seeing thru the stereotype the word restraining order puts on a person.

My local newspaper is running a lot of articles right now on domestic violence and drumming up a lot of feelings in the community, which is fine, but they also need to run some of the things that some of the people do to abuse the system, how SOME restraining orders are nothing more than vicious lies, designed to ruin a person with lies, and to cover a person's lies of an affair that turned into the destruction of a family.
I also agree with HIRED HELP, that the other man is nothing more than a HOMEWRECKER, he too was married at the time, he now has moved in with my ex.
It is all about control, my ex calls me when she wants to, she drops them off out front of my house, she can do anything she wants.
I have to watch where I drive to, am I too close to her house, her work, her family, what.......
I have to watch out for dialing the wrong phone number.
It is very uncomfortable for me when I am at my kids events when she is there, I can't get too close, I can't even say anything about the kids.
That's the way she wants it fine, but do I have to keep looking where and what I do.

Nothing new, just got my own computer so I thought I would use it, just making up for all those months without my own I guess.
I have a divorce support group to go to tonight, again, so I'll you guys alone for a while

Hi guy,

I hear ya. Similar story here, with no restraining order. A lot of accusations were made at how I "abused" her. It was comical.

They don't have a brain in their head when they're cheating.

I really dig this from Wish I Were Home: "And if she wants to live this kind of life, you should feel sorry for her for being the pathetic immature guilty person that she is."

I remember telling her to "grow up".

My XW is dead. The person she was replaced by is someone I'd never be with. The OM can have her.

I only miss the idea of a wonderful, whole family.

Hi,
My story was so similar. I was shocked when my wife told me she wanted me to move out. I didn't know what to do - as far as I could tell we had a good marriage. Over the next few weeks, the details started coming out that she was having a relationship with a 24 year old (she is 37) that she works with.
I posted this a few months back:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003580;p=1

It's amazing how it seems like the WWs work like they are going off a script.

Well, I don't know if I am a good example, but she was desparate to get out, so I got a good deal in the divorce. I got my house, and I have the kids about 1/2 the time. Right now, the worst part is paying that child support. Other than that, life is pretty good - she was a lousy wife anyway.

Missed this post the other day. I hope you get on the computer tonight. Your story is very familiar to me, minus the RO.
The similarity is how fast the story escalates to make you look bad. I will try to keep my post short here:
D day - WH announces that he has never been miserable, never been un-happy, he is just happier with her. Within the next few weeks the story chnages to "I was unhappy" and then to "I was miserable the past few years" and then he was "miserable the whole time - all 18 years.."
I believed that garbage at first. Exect for 1 thing - I was there, I know better. He was not miserable. He is, without a doubt, the most selfish man on the face of the earth. There is NO WAY he would have stayed 18 years if he was "miserable". Also, in the beginning I asked him why she left her H. He said that her H was abusive to her. I said, well, good for her, at least she has an excuse, but you don't. To which he said "well, you were sort of abusive, in a way" I almost blew a gasket on that one! I cooked for him EVERY DAY. I cleaned up after him. I worked full time. I sat on the couch silently when his temper would flare up and he would scream at me or the kids. I would sit and wait for the episode to end, so we could go back to our "normal" life. We had SF on a regular basis. We never went more than a few days without. I read stories in here about other men who sometimes waited a month without SF and I think that maybe, just maybe, my WH had it pretty good. But he actually accused me of being "sort of abusive".
I think that what happens, is that on day 1 they think they can leave and no one will be upset. After a little time goes by, and a few people tell them that what they have done is wrong, they start to see that it is not ok to walk out on your spouse, so they have to some up with some sort of justification. And the more people tell them they are doing the wrong thing - the more justification they need. It sucks. But they all do it. Again, they seem to read the same script.
My WH's relationship with the OW is all ready unravelling. It is pathetic to see - because I have read all the books, and I can always see what is coming next. But at this point, I would not take my WH back if he begged on his knees.
In reading your story, I can tell you that there is no doubt in my mind that your WW knows she is wrong. I am certain that her family even knows that she is making things up, and trying to justify her behavior. But they feel like they have to support her. On the outside things look good for her. She seems to have it all figured out. But I would bet that things are not good inside the house. That she has all ready figured out that the OM is, after all, only human. He still makes rude noises, he doesn't always treat her like the princess she thinks she is. I am sure your children occasionally say things that tug at her heart strings - like "why can't daddy come over to see us?"
Hang in there buddy. Some day you will see the other side of this story.
She thinks this OM is her dream come true - the one she was meant to be with. But ultimately, he is still a normal man, with his own faults.
My WH said that the OW was the one that God meant for him. That he couldn't wait to get rid of me so he could marry her. Now he claims that he never said he was going to marry her. That he doesn't know if she is the one, she may or may not be.
I would just like to know if he beleives his own garbage. Has he actually fogotten what he said in the beginning? Or is he just lying now? Unfortunately for him, too many people heard him spewing that stuff in the beginning.
He told many people that she was "exactly like him, she was him, only without a penis"
he told me that only 1 week after he left. At the time I was devastated. Now it makes me laugh.
I better not ever hear any man describe me as "exactly like me, without a penis"
I'll deck him!

Thanks Womanoffaith for your words

....Tonight I have my kids till 6pm. Before her/him pick them up.
Kids school is having a family skate night from
6pm to 8pm, I asked ex-wife if I could go ahead
and take them to it, she said no, we could trade days maybe, otherwise no.
I said I just wanted to be able to skate with my kids and be there with the other families that I know. ( I am the parent involved with the school ).
She said if I went, then they wouldn't go.
What does she have to be uncomfortable about, it would be me seeing them together with my kids.
Seems like I am the sucking it up and dealing with being uncomfortable.

Thanks Womanoffaith for your words

....Tonight I have my kids till 6pm. Before her/him pick them up.
Kids school is having a family skate night from
6pm to 8pm, I asked ex-wife if I could go ahead
and take them to it, she said no, we could trade days maybe, otherwise no.
I said I just wanted to be able to skate with my kids and be there with the other families that I know. ( I am the parent involved with the school ).
She said if I went, then they wouldn't go.
What does she have to be uncomfortable about, it would be me seeing them together with my kids.
Seems like I am the sucking it up and dealing with being uncomfortable.

Thanks for listening Marriage Builders

Just thought I would start as I continue my thread.
Hard day today, everyday is hard though.
Just came back from my 6 year old daughters
soccer practice (I help coach her).
I bring my daughters to soccer her and other man pick them up there.
It just hurts seeming them together, like it is so normal to them.
Then my daughter go home with them and I left to be all alone.
All I see is this man who ruined my family, I don't think I will ever get used to it.
I mean my wife was with me my entire adult life, she meant so much to me.
I'm sorry for sounding so blue.

again, let me say that I have "been there, done that". It is very interesting for me to read your story, becuase your WW sounds just lik emy WH (as my ex would say "she is him without a penis")
I tend to talk too much - and type too much, forgive me if this is too long. I always feel better when I hear that other people are going through the same stuff, and hope that you will take some comfort knowing you are not alone.
2 days after my WH left he took my boys out to dinner with the OW. A week later they all went to play softball together. A couple of days later he sent me an eamil saying that she wanted to go to older sons baeball game, and hoped that was all right with me. I said NO. At that point very few people even knew that he had left. I can not imagine what it would have been like to have them show up at sons game, in front of all my friends.
He agreed that she would not go to any baseball games, but I had beeter "get over it" by football season, because by then she was going. period. Last summer sucked for me. I would go to sons games, and my ex would sit in a chair, at the end of the stands, with cell phone in hand, sending text messages to her. I could see all the other parents looking at him in horror at what he was doing. (by this time I had started to tell people what had happened, because he was so adamant about bringing that 2 bit whore out in public)
One day I said to him "you never watch the game, you only sit and text message her, why do you even bother coming?" He said "she wants to know what is going on at the game." Yeah, right.
She would sit in her car, just around the corner, and wait for me to leave. As I drove away I would see her pull into the parking lot.
It is sick. They try so hard to present the Brady Bunch family.
But I guarantee you that there are some moms, and dads, at your childs soccer games who are disgusted with her behavior. They haven't said anything to you about it, because they aren't sure how you would react.
when football season started, my ex would show up with the OW, and they would sit in the stands, by themselves. They did not sit with the other parents. It killed me, every single time. By sitting off to the side, they stood out even more. She would walk by me and smile. I wanted to deck her.
But time truly does heal us. It does. People told me that, and I didn't believe them. But I am better now.
I don't see the OW anymore. She has 2 children of her own to care for. I think, after time, all that sneaking around at my sons games started to get old for her. When I just ignored her, and did not say anything, I think she got bored. I think she started to realize that my ex is, after all, just a regular person. He is not some great catch that was worthy of abandoning everything for.
Right now, it looks to you like people have accepted this relationship between your WW and the OM. People probably smile at her, make small talk. They don't know how else to react. Inside THEY KNOW THIS IS WRONG. They know. But in time, when they see that you continue to be the nice guy, the good dad, they will see you as the "good guy" in all of this.
Your WW is wrong to tell you that you can not go skating with the kids unless you give up one of your other days with them. Dead wrong. And it will catch up to her.
The day will come when her OM will get tired of being the one who runs all the errands for her, picks up the kids for her, etc. He will want some alone time with her. But wait - she has children to care for. How can they have alone time when the kids are always around? And suddenly, she will be calling you up to take the kids more often. She will say something like "I thought you might like to have the kids this weekend, even though it isn't your weekend, can you pick them up Friday?"
She will pretend that it is for your benefit (and you will enjoy seeing them, so you will benefit) but the true motive is selfish - she is looking to have some alone time. It will happen.
Meanwhile, how do you get through it? Start surrouding yourself with friends. When you are on the soccer field, and one of them shows up, make sure you are carrying on a conversation with someone else. Pretend that you don't even see them.
Don't be home every night alone - go to church, take a class, blah blah blah. You have heard this all before - now do it. Your life needs to be so busy that you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself anymore. it will be hard at first, but it does get easier. You just need to do something to help time pass, because time WILL pass, and things will get better.
A year from now you will look back and say "wow, I remember how bad it was back then, and look at how much better I am now"
However, a year from now she will look back and say "uh-oh, here I broke up my whole family, risking public humiliation, and what for? The OM is not the man I thought he was."
The truth is we ALL have our faults - he has some too. But he is hiding them from her right now.
Hang in there buddy.
You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
One last thing I will share (I am trying to make you smile). At one point I got to know the OW's husband. he is a very nice guy. He has gone through much of what you are going through now. My ex would go to all of her daughters soccer games, and sit with her family, like nothing was wrong. Her husband would call me, almost crying, each time. In time, it got better.
At one point, last November, my ex's birthday was approaching,a dn I knew that he was planning to go to the coast for his birthday. So I asked the other husband if he was supposed to have the kids that weekend. He said no, that was not his weekend to have them. Sure enough, very next day she calls her husband and say "I am going to dd you a favor this weekend, I am going to let you have the kdis, since I know you want to spend more time with them"
Of course, he knew the real story, she was going to the coast with my ex. She never did tell him that part.
he was tempted to tell her no, that he had other plans, but he didn't. Ultimately, time spent with our kids is so precious, and we all should just cherish it.
But it is funny when you can actually see both sides of the story.