First I need to tell you that I may not get my emotions or information across very well, because my mind and body are in allot of confusion right now. I'm experiencing many health problems, and trying to handle them all ... along with my heart breaking and my mind completely confused.

SOOO ... hang in there with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband and I are finally separated, his idea, but I knew I had to go ... because there was so much hurt and pain for both of us.

I'm the one who left, because I had to be nearer to my doctors and stores, etc. Short story, the house was an unhealthy place for me to be.

My doctor got me into a subsidized apt. for the elderly and disabled, even though I'm just 52. It's nice and quiet and I only pay very little rent ... but I feel like I've been 'dumped' into this 'old folks place' and my husband is out and about enjoying his life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I feel that he's looking at me as some old woman who is falling apart ... and has forgotten that I'm still the sexual and fun person he married, just having all kinds of health issues right now that are out of my control ... and hate feeling this way.

What I'm having problems with is this:

I'm the one who's calling him, of course .. much of that was to help me move, I had nobody else. All the time he was helping, he was sour .. with a miserable attitude and look on his face. I know he's in withdrawal ... but I'm so confused, because "I'M" the one who's been neglected and emotionally hurt and abused and am going through so much now I can hardly bear it! ??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

To help you understand, here's my health issues:

Lupus - making me tired

CFS - making me exhausted

Fibro - making me achey and tired and brain fog

EXTREMELY anemic - just found out by my doctor, and it's from the following.

Extreme heavy bleeding with menstrual cycle

Heart irregularities: going out of rythmn even when I get up and walk across room.

All these things combined are making me exhausted, and depressed .. also one of the meds I'm on makes me depressed .. but controls the andrenaline, so I get less palps than I do now.

I know this is allot for him to bear, and that he may not be able to handle it .. I realize that, but I'm going thru it too .. and I feel so alone and broken hearted! Whatever happened to: in sickness and health? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He thinks nothing will help our marriage, he things no matter WHO talks to us, it won't work, I don't agree .. and I'm standing 'in' for us to God .. to save our marriage still.

My questions: I'm the one who always calls him, cause he doesn't call me. Should I back off?

Will me backing off cause him to go away further, and find somebody to spend time with?

There is no other woman now, and he gets very angry when I ask, because he says 'A little trust goes a long way'. But how do I think there's NOT somebody else, if he seems so distant and uncaring about me and my health ... and even when I try to talk loving and gentle, he's harsh and short .. and then when I cry or get upset, HE gets mad at ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He would like to just get divorced, all though he's done nothing to start it, but he's also said he'll still go to MC with me a few times ...

Do I back off completely? Do I e-mail him anything? Do I contact him at all?

I have made mistakes also ... mostly it was from the hurt I was experiencing from him neglecting me as a woman and wife .. but I did yell and swear and call him names .. and have apologized over and over. I've asked God's forgiveness, and I've been working on being much more gentle and soft spoken to him. It's worked much of the time, except when he's harsh to me, and I automatically respond with hurt or anger, but now the anger is much less and I catch myself and stop. And apologize.

All suggestions are welcomed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Hugs,
Dee

Dee,

You need an attitude and internal makeover...and maybe an external one as well.

BTW..one of my best friends back home is suffering from Lupus and she is tired all the time. She has trouble sleeping and sometimes feels she is unable to even get outta bed. She's 39 and after working on herself and her attitude got a new job , a promotion, works in same med specialty as I do, is able to work four ten hour a day shifts and next saturday is getting married for the first time.

All this while being chronically tired and having Lupus that's not in remission.

She found a nutritionist and therapist to help along with her doctor. Tht was beginning of her renaissance. People forget sometimes to treat the soul and heart as well as the body.

And now would be a perfect time to work on you. Get a new look. Find a nutritionist and therapist and insurance pays for much of this btw.

Work on you. If you say your h sees an old tired woman who's not vibrant, then HOW have you shown him you're not that?

I'd also implement immediately the divorcebusting 180 list that TooMuchCoffeeMan has and can give you. You need an attitude change and it begins with you deciding you don't like things as is and you are doing something about it. I also recommend reading "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil.

Stop calling him. You're being too clingy. You may seem more like a sick relative than a vibrant life partner and while you're doing it for yourself, it won't hurt things with him either.

Take focus off of HIM and put it onto you. So what if there's older people there? You're saving money and can use it towards either savings or your new renaissance.

I'd do the 180 for a few weeks and then briefly show up at work (after NO calls) and casually ask him or maybe at a lunch, that you'd like to begin counseling as you've had a "breakthrough" and it's with regard to YOU and not to the relationship. Anytime you push towards the relationship, the WS pushes away.

I'd also invest in a PI on a saturday night honey. Few men leave for nothing else. If you truly believe there's no OW then there's this beachfront property in Arizona that I'd love to sell you. You deserve to find out and see what you're up against. All they need is his car tag number, recent photos, and his habits...where he likes to go out to eat hang out etc. I found out all I needed to know in one night.

After all he moved you out. He's being wierd. He's the one NOT really wanting to work on things yet not wanting to file for divorce either. He's waffling. Reason for waffling like this most times is he's trying to see if he wants OP or you. Sorry to be harsh, but the sheer numbers of this speaks for itself. I'd post also in A/B as you don't sound like you're doing too good a job in either plan A or B.


Your plan of actions as of today:
1)no more calls. Do DBusting 180.
2)decide to get a hold of your life and see nutritionist as well as therapist besides the doc and have them work in unison together.
3)decide to reclaim your status as a babe. Work on you. You! Start from inside out but don't forget the outside ok?
4)get the pi and that way you'll quit blaming yourself.
5)decide time is now to reclaim your life. This applies whether or not there's a partner in your life or not ok?

Leave him alone, do not talk with him again. See what happens if you leave him alone.

Hi Peachy,

Not sure exactly what you meant by me needing an attitude makeover ... care to explain?

I KNOW I need an internal makeover, and I'm trying to work on that little by little, but I found the other statement somewhat rude, unless I took it wrong?

I'm glad for your friend, but how lupus affects one, is not always how it affects another. I'm now on a routine of vitamins, minerals, black strap molasses, brewers yeast, wheatgerm and eating lower fat with lots of fiber and green veggies. I'm trying my best ... but remember, I also have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia along with mitral valve prolapse syndrome! All of these conditions on their own, make you exhausted and achey ... but put them all together, and it's very hard to function normally.

You're very right about treating the 'soul'!

I am trying to work on me ... but first things first, and that's finding out what's making me anemic, my monthly, or something else. Then getting it under control, whether that's surgery or something else ... THEN finding out why my heart is acting up so much, and getting THAT under control ... then all the other things.

I have a referral to a Christian counselor from my family doctor, and have left message with him, I'm waiting for him to return my call, to set up an appt.

Again, unless YOU have these conditions, it's very hard to understand, that right now, I can NOT be vibrant, until things are taken care of, and I get my energy back. I'm doing the best I can ... in the only way I can.

I'll look into the book you mentioned.

I'll work on not calling him, that's a real toughy for me, but if it will help, I'll surely work on it.

I understand about not talking about the relationship, I'll try very hard not to do that.

I would like to say, I completely dissagree on how you assume he's cheating on me, or has another woman on the side. And the remark about the property in Arizona was an insult to me! Trust me, I've checked all of that for myself, no cell phone, he's always at his brother's house or work ... and when at his brother's, I've called to ask if I can drop by, and he never cares. There's really no true indication of another person ... and you can't always assume that's why a man wants to separate.

He's told me why, it's because he doesn't think we'll ever see eye to eye, and he's tired of the conflict and fighting.

One of the big things that has hurt him in the past, is my mistrust of him. He's been very hurt that I've asked over and over about another person, since he's told me there is not. He doesn't see why I won't believe him, and it hurts him.

I've been to the Rejoice in Marriage site, and I truly agree that I need to stand in for my husband with God and believe this marriage can be saved, if God wants it to be. Yes, I know I need to work on ME ... truly I do, inside and out, but that will never stop me from praying for my husband, for our marriage and for a healing of our relationship.

I do appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Hugs,
Dee

Dd50, perhaps you are "killing" him with kindness. If you know what I mean.

Try "no contact" with him at all...see if you can go a month without contacting him.

You know you cannot "make" anybody love you.

But if you continue to "push" him, even with kindness, he will actually begin to "hate" you.

Hi Baba,

Perhaps you are "killing" him with kindness. If you know what I mean.

Can you explain how you can kill somebody with kindness? Being a Christian, it's what God tells us to do .... to be kind and loving to one another.

Try "no contact" with him at all...see if you can go a month without contacting him.

I'm sure this is something I can do if I make my mind up ... and after I've gotten what I need from the house.

You know you cannot "make" anybody love you.

I know that. I asked him yesterday if he still loved me, and he said 'kinda sorta'. Not sure what that means, but it sounds like he's confused.

But if you continue to "push" him, even with kindness, he will actually begin to "hate" you.

Gosh! How can somebody 'hate' you, when you treat them with kindness? I guess I don't understand that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dee

Your "idea of kindness" many times seems to include demands on your husband or for things he is supposed to do.

Some of your demands are like this:

I need you to help me move

Bring over my stuff

Do you still love me? Tell me.

I do not see why we can't still be together...etc.

Why are you so mean to me?

Why don't you love me?

I am disabled! Can't you see?

Why don't you______________for me?

Etc, etc, etc, etc__________!



So quit "being kind to him" by placing any more demands on him...just try and leave him completely alone for a while. No demands, no requests, no trying to get him to love you, none of that.

<small>[ April 25, 2004, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

For today, since I'm very weak ... I'll just leave this, and come back in a few days and post responses.

Jim came by yesterday (yes, I invited him) and brought a pizza and we ate it together. He went online for a bit, and then we watched a movie together. We talked a bit, and before he left I told him how sorry I was that I had made him feel inferior as a man by not accepting him for who he was, and that I DID love him for who he was, and was going for counseling to work on that part of me. I told him that I hoped that he could keep some part of our love opened for God to work on our marriage. He said yes, he would.

He said he appreciated what I had said and that it was nice to talk like this and not argue. I told him when I get my health straightened out, I want to become more involved in the racing with him, and he said he wanted that all along.


We then had sex ... ok, not sex (because I can't right now) ... but I fulfilled his needs ... and we talked a bit more and he left. I think that went quite well ... and will now leave him alone and not call him.

I'm exhausted this morning, so will sign off and post more later.

Hugs,
Dee

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: dd50 ]</small>