I need some advice. I hAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YRS AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN AGES 10 AND 7. For the past 4 years my wife has been a practicing alcaholic. She has been through rehab last summer but soon relapsed. We live in a nice house and I spend much time with my kids. It has come to a point where I can no longer take the verbal or mental abuse associated with the drinking. She is seeing a counselor and has begun taking meds for depression. We both love each other and have been together for 20 yrs. When she is not drunk she is great but completely loses all personality when drinking. She is a closet alcaholic so it is hard to tell when drunk or not.We also started marrige counseling this week and they all tell her the same thing - STOP DRINKING. She seems to want to stop but is unwilling to go back to rehab. Thinks she can do it alone. I want to leave her but she will kill me financially. She doesn't work and I am the sole bread winner. I am trying to work through it but don't know how much more I can take. My strategy to cope has been counterproductive and need some advice as to how I can convince her that her drinking is going to destroy everything. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated

I am a recovered alcoholic, sober twenty-five years. When she went through rehab, you should have been included in the process.

The best thing you could do is get involved with an Al-Anon family group, they are spouses and relatives of Alcoholics. There is no instant fix, it is going to take time. You'll learn that there is nothing you can do to change your wife's behavior, but you can change how you are responding to her, you can change you.

Good luck.

Another vote for Alanon for the entire family!

As an ACOA I only now see how much it affected me and my life choices.

Good Luck.

My WH is an alcoholic. Al-anon family groups help me. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking. I have been married to an alcolic for 15 years, and nearly went insane - really. Alcoholism is a family disease and our behavior as spouses can exacerbate the drinking. You need to go go Al-anon for your sake and that of your children. Whole families are damaged by this pernicious disease. In Al-anon I have found a safe and loving place, a refuge. I am getting well and for the first time, my husband shows signs of wanting to quit. I hope he does, for his sake, but I am leaving. I can't take anymore of the lying, criticism and emotional abuse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We live in a nice house and I spend much time with my kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">alcohol in no respector of nice houses or time with kids


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My strategy to cope has been counterproductive and need some advice as to how I can convince her that her drinking is going to destroy everything. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didn't cause it, You cann't control it and you can't cure it,

No one can tell you how to convince your wife that her drinking will destroy everything.


Living with an alcoholic is almost to much for us with out help. That help is alanon


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She seems to want to stop but is unwilling to go back to rehab. Thinks she can do it alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Denial, denial, denial. AA is the only thing that i know of that has any long term success. Even if she went back to rehab, she would have the best chance by going to AA, and you to alanon


She is crying out for help - but you dont know how to effectively help her

I commend you for reaching out on this board for how to deal with this problem


I suggest a formal professionally orchestrated intervention,.

Just so you know, I have experience with both AA and Alalnon. (12 years sober in AA, 2 real years in alalnon. Sure, attended a few alanon meetings for the past 15 years but didn't "get it")

There is an organization that will help educate your family, prepare in a nonjudgemental way how to tell the alcoholic what they are doing to the family. The professional is present (which is good because it's so emotional) There are preset objectives and consequences.

I know about this because I did one on my husband 12-1-03. He came home 12-21-03. It worked. He was a MESS - it was horrible. He got angry and blamed me. The kids began to wonder why I did what I did. But...... finally he cracked on 12-12-03. He called me a wounded man and we talked like we hadn't for years.

From sitting in AA meetings for 12 years, I see the patterns, and hear what it finally takes for someone to get sober. Most of the time, a husband or wife won't lead thier spouses to recovery. It usually takes another alcoholic. So don't feel bad that you havn't been able to help her.

My suggestion is to love her and let her know that. That you love her but not her disease. Help her to feel like a worthwhile person and that there is hope. Alcoholics are so hard on themselves - she is probably filled with guilt, shame and remorse but doesn't see a way out. Her body craves alcohol and when she takes that first drink, it sets up a craving.

Most of all there is hope. There are some heart warming stories in AA and alanon. People do recover from the effects of acohol if they are willing to do what it takes. Which in the long run is the easier, softer way.

Blessings,

D.
PS - A cyber hug ((((((( b )))))))

B:

I can certainly relate to your challenge. My EX WW was and is an alcoholic. I got her into re-hab too. She re-laosed and went right back to it and the other man within two weeks. You must remember that this is a pprogreesive disease.

I experienced the same treatment your wife is giving you and so did the children. I ultimately had to cut the cord and asked her to leave. She was living with her boyfriend anyhow.

I will tell you this. There is absolutley no hope of marital recovery until she stops drinking forever. I do not know what your financial or legal circumstances are...but I suggest like the others that you go to Al-Anon as the others have suggested. It will give you some great coping skills. I did and it really helped. But remember alcoholism is a very subtle and insidious affliction. Alcoholics will drive you crazy. Literally. They are completely irrational. And, it takes a long time to de-toxify from the effects of alcohol. And I do not mean 72 hours or the next day. I ihave read where scientists say it can take up yo 18 monyhs for the effects to subside. When you are talking or interacting with her...yoou arte basically talking to chemicals.

And, if she does it long term ..it can permanently alter the brains chemistry.

Ultimately you have some decisions to make about your marriage.

The other most important two lives you must consider are your children.

I am not a complete expert..but childrens exposure to alcoholics...and alcoholism is VERY unhealthy for them.


Please get help. For you and your children. Your wife must decide when and if she WANTS help.

This will only get worse..please get help for oyu and the kids.

I am a BW whose WH is an alcoholic. I have never posted on the D/D board before. I just lurk sometimes. I am still actively trying to save our M, but happened to see these comments that hit so close to home right now.

She re-laosed and went right back to it and the other man within two weeks. You must remember that this is a pprogreesive disease.

I will tell you this. There is absolutley no hope of marital recovery until she stops drinking forever.

My WH has had a few "dry" spells throughout our 19 year marriage but has refused to go to AA because he also thinks he can do it on his own. I agree that he has been successful when things were well, but once stress hits, he went back. His last dry period was also his longest -- 2 years -- and I thought he had really done it. But once the A started, so did the drinking again, to cover the guilt. He is now back to emptying a fifth of J.D. over a couple nights.

He moved out in February (though we have not been in a formal Plan B) and then hated the apt so as of today, gave it up.

I had given two criteria for returning home: 1) give up OW, and 2) quit drinking.

I don't really believe he's ready to do #1 but is very angry over #2. He's accused me all sorts of things. He finally told me, via a text message today, to "have a good life".

Despite the years of verbal abuse, accusations, lying, blaming all on me or his children, I still love this man. I've been with him since I was 15.

I was considering that perhaps I was being too harsh and should let him come back if he gave up OW, and try and deal with the drinking. I have also recently started to attend Al-Anon.

But the two bolded statements above reinforce thatI am making the right choice at this particular moment. I can't make him quit, but you just spoke my #1 fear--that if he comes back drinking, as soon as one little thing happens, he'll be right back with OW. I had a terrible time adjusting to him not being here. I don't want to go through it all again.

I know, not a lot of advice for b1772 except to keep praying for miracles and to attend Al-Anon, and to decide whether or not staying in the M is more danger than getting out of it.

But this post helped remind me that alcohol affects a lot more people than just my family, and that neither I nor any of you are responsible for an alcoholic's behavior or their choosing to drink, no matter what they may tell us.

Thanks for unknowingly helping someone stick to her guns. I believe the best chance, and probably the only chance, I have of having a recovered marriage is to take the chance of doing what I'm doing and letting him beg housing off of friends, etc., until he decides what his M is worth or not worth.

LL

Dr, Harley's views on how alcoholism affects marriage can be found here

My ex had poly-addiction problems for years which led to eventual marriage collapse. It was a vicious cycle and can only be broken if they have the desire to. My ex did not. It seems that maybe your wife is also still at that point.

Are you sure it ws rehab or just detox?? There is a difference. Detox takes you off the drug/alcohol. Rehab teaches you how to live without it. bumperii is right, rehab should have included you in the process. My ex went thru detox, but within 2 months he was back on drugs. He never attempted rehab and AA was only to avoid stiff drunk driving charge. As soon as he was out of that hot water, he stopped attending AA as well.

Al-Anon is the best bet for you. It helped me tremendously and I wish I had time even now to go..1 1/2 years after ex moved out. I still need it.

unfortunately, you wont be able to convince her, she has to convince herself. The counselors even couldnt make a dent in my ex's denial, he started drinking a straight pint of vodka in the car on the way to the counselors appt! I know all to well the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse that these type of people dish out.

best wishes to you. Please check out al-anon

I, too, have been married to an alcoholic for over 30 years. He was sucking the life out me with his "I will do what I please" attitudes and the yo-yo emotions of feeling like a wife one day and feeling like a single person the next. Some days he would be a part of the family and other days, I did not even know where he was. I do beleive he wanted a family and he did love his children very much.

My decision to leave was totally based on what I learned here at MB....that if actively drinking, my WS could not work on our M so the pain of the infidelity would NEVER be healed. The infidelity was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Before I decided to leave, our discussions brought us to the point of WS admitting he was unwilling to make any changes and that his beer drinking was very important to him. No one could take that away from him.

I needed to hear all this today cause I sometimes wonder if the loneliness and transition I feel now is worse than living with the alcoholic. Living with a drinking person is WORSE than anything for me.

I, too, went to Alanon and I highly recommend it. It will help you sort through your feelings and the way you handle important decisions.

TW