Hi all,

Is it possible for a marriage to survive if it has been an abusive marriage? I mean physical and verbal abuse.

I'm referring to my STBX to whom I was married briefly (almost three years). We've been separated for more than two years and our divorce should be final soon. As D Day draws near, I seem to be having some emotional difficulties.

My H and I have seemingly beat so many odds, we've come very far together. We believe we are soulmates. Ours has been anything but an orthodox union which makes the situation even more complex.

We've conceded that at this point in our lives, we are "not in syn". We just can't make our marriage work. If we spend too much time together, things deteriorate quickly and a fight ensues (there has not been physical violence in two years).

However, we seem to share this really tight bond. It's difficult to explain. In spite of everything, we are very much in love, we care about each other deeply.

AT the moment, things are really warm between us. I see changes in him and I'm making changes in my own life to better reflect the kind of person I know I can be.

Is there any hope? Or should I just keep it on a friendship level?

I have two children, 15 and 12. He is not their father and the relationship between he and my son (12) has always been intensely difficult. So I keep them apart.

Particularly over the past year, our sex life has been very irregular and infrequent. I seem to have lost my sex drive while he has always had a very high sex drive. That's resulted in some arguments and hurt feelings as well. For the past two years, I've encouraged him to find someone who could meet his sexual needs. I didn't want him to feel he owed me anything, especially since we were separated and waiting on a divorce.

In the last month or so, he's been seeing a woman from out of town. They met in a chatroom. She drops in town over the weekends and leaves again Sundays.

There has not been any secret about her existence. What this fling seems to have done, however, is bring out in both of us just how deeply we still care about one another.

My biggest concern is losing my best friend but I want him to be happy and i know I can't meet some very basic needs right now. Neither can he for me.

For now, we've agreed to take it day by day.

Am I off my rocker?

Take good care,
Francis

has the abuse been one-sided? If so... who's the perpetrator?

Just a question to give everyone perspective.

NO, the abuse was not one-sided. WE simply cannot come to any agreement whatsoever about who the perpetrator was.

He says it was me. I say it was him. I wonder if it matters. We both handled a lot of situations really poorly. I should add my H is dx with bipolar disorder and I have major depressive disorder.

Take good care,
And thanks
Francis

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by on_our_own62:
<strong> NO, the abuse was not one-sided. WE simply cannot come to any agreement whatsoever about who the perpetrator was.

He says it was me. I say it was him. I wonder if it matters. We both handled a lot of situations really poorly. I should add my H is dx with bipolar disorder and I have major depressive disorder.

Take good care,
And thanks
Francis </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife punched me more than once. That was the only physical abuse in the realtionship. We were both pretty awful to eachother as far as mental and emotional abuse.
We're both unwilling to give up on the marriage, because we know it will get better.
So, yes. A marriage can survive abuse... so long as the abuser(s) is/are willing to fix what's wrong.

And, no... it doesn't matter who it really is, if you're both abusing. All that matters is getting to the bottom of it, and finding out if the marriage is worth saving.
9 times out of 10... it is.... in my opinion.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

Try reading Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". It gets to the bottom of why some marriages end up abusive (I think). The solution, if you can both agree to it, is very simple: the POJA. You approach things differently if you agree that you will do nothing until you come up with something that both of you believe is win-win.

PS H broke my arm, cracked my skull, threw me down when I was 7 months pregnat. When I found out he was having an A, I bit him.

Is this love? No. It is control. If you each agree to veto power over every action of the other, you approach problems very differently.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Wow, thanks a lot. It's important for me to know there is some hope here.

Cherished, I never thought of the POJA in this case. I guess I've been so busy trying to get out of this marriage, that I haven't really done anything to keep us together. Like I said, I think knowing he's seeing someone is making me take another look. I'm pretty sure with a firm commitment on my part, he'd be willing to go thru the MB program.

Jarod, thanks for your response as well. It's good to see people can change their responses if they want something bad enough.

My first marriage was completed devoid of any abuse. Ever. We didn't call each other names, we were always respectful of each other. So this marriage and the intensity it brought with it completely caught me off guard.

Thanks again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take good care,
Francis

The MB program is very, very good. I am not very hopeful that our M will survive; however, I think I am benefitting from it very much. I see why our M went so wrong, so I am feeling like I would be open to remarriage. I am understanding my own ENs, so I will be able to find some way to meet my needs after D, if it comes to that. And finally, I am becoming a better parent because I am learning how to teach my children to make decisions with those affected in mind.

That sounds great, Cherish. Are you seeing Dr. Harley or doing the program electronically?

I'm sure it would be, at the very least, a real good tool for self-examination. Something we probably need to do a whole lot more of.

Take good care,
Francis
43 -- Divorced in 2001, married someone else in 2001, separated early 2002. Second divorce pending.

I am the WW and the BS as well.

And right now, I'm just plain confused!

I think the most important thing is how he treats your son. I thought I remembered reading at one time that he had been abusive toward him, and if that was the case, then it would be very wrong to consider reconciling. Even if not, given the circumstances under which the marriage began, I think reconciling would not be the right decision. It is likely that your children would be better off if both you and your original husband were single again and the respective OP's were out of the picture.