He’s looking for places to live, I’m thinking it’s not such a bad idea.....
I’m drained. I’m tired. I have no more tears left folks. I am just ready to pack my bags and run away to a sunny happier place with the kids and my ever happy dog!!!! A better place has to exist, better than here! I’ve tried counseling, spiritual counseling, meds, banging my head against the wall, smiling, losing weight, begging (ah that didn’t work I knew that), being the power chick, but nothing worked. Just about everything made me sick. I’m only 30, we have 3 kids, and I’ve had every illness except a heart attack (had to stop work cause of migraines and had a small mini-stroke due to long migraines that wouldn’t go away.).
It’s both of us -takes 2 to tango. We just had different ‘languages of love’ and different EN’s and were needing way different things. Me - needing affection, romance, and quality time with words of affirmation while he needed admiration and respect while I showed appreciation for all of his hard work yet he didn’t expect me to be so needy of his time - I was and he saw that as a big LB. It ate away at his heart slowly and convinced him that I didn’t love him, that because I complained that he didn’t ‘love me’ in my love language - there was no way I could love him, because I wasn’t seeing what he ‘was’ doing for us and our family - being the one to be working so much and always give in (for a long time, he was, when we would have disagreements and such, but not big huge issues). It depleted his love bank and now it is empty. He told me, in so many words, that he thinks that I never had a love bank - that I just had a bank of need - that I just needed him by my side for things - but that it wasn’t true love - the love that endures anything like we should have. And that he realized it and he has finally reached the limit like never before. He wants out like never before. There is no more chances. No more making up. No more coming back. That he is here for now for the kids, but that he is definatley looking for condos so that he can have his peace and rest from me. That the kids will be fine. We will be better off. I don’t love him so I’ll be better off (HA, so funny, like a slap in the face, really). And I can find someone that can give me what I always complain to him that he doesn’t give me (geez, all I ever did was make suggestions on how or what we could do to make things better, hmmm, date night, movies, etc, more romance, good lord, now it’s a crime).
We’ve just been having so many problems and I’m just so tired of arguing. It’s taking such a toll on both of us. We are miserable. We want so much to be happy - we wanted that WITH EACH OTHER> but we failed.
A few weeks ago we sat down. We talked, because we realized that one main thing we were doing wrong (or I) was that I did not love myself enough (I’ve had a BIG problem with self esteem) and that I couldn’t give positive good love if I didn’t love myself right. So we came up with a plan for me to love ME. Like a routine to better me, working out, etc. It was working. Things we going okay. But, I messed up, then he alienated himself. It appears that when I’m doing everything step by step he is happy and things are great - but one mess up and BOOOM - he’s gone. That’s been the story of our lives. That has been how our relationship has always been. Him blowing up, me apoligizing for whatever even if I didn’t do ANYTHING WRONG!!!! Thinking he will abandon me - then asking for another chance (my lord how pathetic). Then him saying okay, and he used to help me, hug me and really want to help me, be on my side and do things for me.
This time - the plan was going well, I messed up a bit, we argued, he gave me a ‘chance’ (sounds dumb to even say that’ - so another week or so was great. Then last weekend his brother got married, we went to the wedding. He was the best man, I was a reader of scripture. It was like a fantasy land come true!!!!! We didn’t have the kids for 2 days (first time in a year). We dated each other, he opened doors, he told me I was beautiful, he made eyes at me, danced with me, he was just - I can’t even explain, the man I married, had that glare back in his eyes..... He was everything I had been missing. I knew that I was for him too, he kept telling me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And that was only the rehersal dinner and our date afterwards, then we came home and stayed up most of the night ‘getting to know each other again’ - he was romantic in ways that I forgot existed......
The day of the wedding, he was such a gentleman and treated me like the wife I have always dreamed of being. It was a dream. I smiled all day. We drove afterwards to his parents house (as we were driving people home and such). Then I asked him to go with me to pick up our kids (as they had been at my parents for 2 days). And BOOOOOM or PPPPOOOOOOP - the balloon of fantasy land broke right there, he said, nah, you go get them, I don’t feel like it. I’m going to stay here and eat. I said, um, honey they took care of our kids for 2 days, I was thinking we could go and spend a bit of time, maybe bring them something to thank them. He said, nope sorry, feel free to bring them by when your done, I’ll be here.
AHHHHH - I was really upset. I showed weakness and anger (BIG MISTAKE) and said, fine dammit I will go get them, but I’m not coming back, I’m spending time with them, because it’s not every set of parents that offers happily to babysit 3 kids overnight so we can have fun, so I’m going to thank them, then go home! I kind of ‘stomped’ out as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...... Not the best choice, perhaps, but I guess I didn’t have much warning of the transformation of Dr. Jekel and Hyde. So, there we have it, the rest of the night was ruined, the fantasy was just that - a fake fantasy. To which, he said that he was faking and was drunk and didn’t mean it - it was so people would think we were okay (I know this wasn’t true, this was just to hurt me, but whatever).
Fast forward to this past Monday - I went to the doctor for a follow up check up and MRI, CT Scan and all that good stuff after my mini-stroke and migraines in November, 2003. In November 2003's MRI they found a very small (benign) tumor in the back part of my brain. They were not worried because it was not affecting any major nerves or anything. It was one of those watch and wait things. Well, it turns out that it has grown, Monday we found that out, not a big amount, but enough so that the doctor was worried. It is not cancer, it is still benign. But the fact that it grew, means that we have to do something to SHRINK it. Because now the worry is pressure in the brain, swelling and affecting nerves and memory (as my hands have tremors and I sometimes have memory problems, which could’ve also been from the mini-stroke). I get migraines more now, and dizzy a lot, plus my blood pressure goes high a lot as well. So, I’ve been reading a lot on diets and am going to try an organic one for tumors. Also, I’m on medication to see if that will help. They are going to try that. Surgery is the LAST option, and they’re pretty positive that won’t be necessary.
BUT - what really amazed me this week - and why I needed to come here and vent and CRY - is that my H (he may care) is not one iota of support. Yes, maybe because we’re stuck in the middle of a big heap of poop of marital problems. I asked him if he was afraid to support me, and he said how is he going to support me if we have all these problems, how is he going to ignore them? I told him not to worry about my health, that he could just continue to be selfish and I could just take care of myself (I know a LB, but right now I am really beaten up inside)!!!!! I am alone, and I don’t know what to do.
He is planning on leaving, part of me says just let him go. But part of me says to try to win him back - but how? I am so angry and mad for the way I have been treated!!!! I realize now that it is not right! I realize now that I deserved better! I also realize that I should have demonstrated my love differently as well. We would not be here if we had both done things differently. I am scared. I love my H so much. I am angry. But more than that - I love my H and I know how much he means to me, what a wonderful man he is (and can be when we are not so hurt), I know what I stand to lose, so does he. He feels that he cannot be the one to ‘give in’ anymore. That I have to be the strong one and show ‘something’ - but he’s running away. He’s not even looking back. HOW am I supposed to do anything - and he see it, when he’s not even looking my way!!??????
OH WHAT A MESS I AM, please any help you can offer or words of advice would be kindly appreciated.....
