I've been reading for over two months now and posted a few times because my wife and I had multiple affairs. I want to give you a quick insight of how my relationship is and was. We met at a party and we went out together the following week. That day we felt for each other. She is a person who have had a really troubled childhood. She is a single mother daughter and she never met her dad. Her mom and her have a really codependent relationship. The mom gave up her entire life for her and acts a little like if her daughter was her husband or something. She is a super achiever person but so closed for relationships. In fact, I had a hard time getting her to open. Among her achievements,she got awarded with an scholarship to study overseas for a year. I was not happy about it but I agreed for her. After six months of she living overseas I found out she was dating another guy by breaking into her email. She told me that nothing happened with this guy even though on the email she wrote to her friend she would be willing to sleep with this guy.I confronted her and asked her to stop seeing him, she told me she would. We met three weeks later to travel together and we have an amazing time. She were super loving and caring to me. When I came back I had three revenge affairs. I had a lot of anger against her for the possible affair as well as some decisions I made based on her that brought me as a consequence to loose all my stability at school and financially. I went super down. She came back in January and the bombs started. She first confessed she kissed him. then that she slept with him. then that it was not only one, there was another man too. then I asked her when did she sleep with the first one and she said the day after I broke into her email and she slept with him all that week even though she knew already how bad I felt. In addition, she slept with him again after I left. In fact, she stopped the relationship with him because he dumped her. Now she wants the relationship to work even though for me is hard. In one hand I do love her, not in the same way though. I see it now more love for convenience because she had helped me a lot too, but I lost the love I had for her. We are having a great sex life and good times. We have more bad than good though. Right now she says she has forgiven me for having my revenge affairs and she says she is ready to move on with the relationship. She is asking me to forgive her now and move on. We were working with the MB stuff but we stopped becuase she is always busy. What it worries me the most is that we had a conversation and all the feelings she had before the affair she has them now. As you can see in one hand I am super confused because she tells me she loves me, that was only a mistake, it is not a big deal, etc. She says that I am the one who is making a bif deal by saying that this is something really serious. I don't know. In one hand I want to move on together, but in the other I see in her actions and attitudes that she blocked everything away and she only wants me to meet her needs without taking responsibility or work by minimizing the incidents. I am scared that it will happen again. She still wants her little secret world. I've asked her for her email password and she blows everytime I mention it. She says she deserves privacy. She says I should trust her even though this happened. Do you see any red flags in her attitude? or do you think she wants to work this out? Should I move on before I get more involved with her and look for someone who really respects me, loves me and cares for me? Or should I work it out? THanks for your support.

" it is not a big deal, etc. She says that I am the one who is making a big deal by saying that this is something really serious. I don't know. In one hand I want to move on together, but in the other I see in her actions and attitudes that she blocked everything away and she only wants me to meet her needs without taking responsibility or work by minimizing the incidents. I am scared that it will happen again. She still wants her little secret world. I've asked her for her email password and she blows everytime I mention it. She says she deserves privacy. She says I should trust her even though this happened. Do you see any red flags in her attitude? or do you think she wants to work this out? Should I move on before I get more involved with her and look for someone who really respects me, loves me and cares for me? Or should I work it out? "

At this point, the only way you are going to work it out is if you accept her as she is, including the strong possibility that she will have another affair(s) in the future which in her opinion is no big deal.

janei:

Um... ...you had THREE revenge A's because you broke in2 her email and SUSPECTED she was having an A?

Right now, your W's behavior is the least of your problems, and they're big enough.

If you've both truly been reading about MB, then you know why I'm saying this. You've not been paying attention 2 what you've supposedly been reading. You need 2 start THERE, deal with your own problems. If you can get your W 2 commit 2 working on the M with you, then great. But right now, you need 2 figure out what the word "integrity" means 2 YOU.

-ol' 2long

Thank you for your replies Yosh and 2long.


I totally understand your point Yosh about accepting her the way she is in order to make this work, I've been trying to do it but it seems that under her eyes it doesn't matter what I do she is never happy. It makes me super frustrated. One thing that I am sure about is that I will not tolerate another affair. It is too painful and I don't know if I will be able to handle it again. I am seeing a lot of redflags in her attitudes and I am not willing to accept the strong possibility of another affair. Today unfortunately, I had to make a move to plan B. She had problems with her mom and called me for support. I gave it to her but then she directed her anger and frustations against me telling that she doesn't see her friends because of me, a friend invited her for her graduation. She says that she always cancel everything and that all that is my fault. She says she feels angry at me and she literally told me that she wanted to make me feel guilty for it. I tried super hard to make her compromise and talk tonight, but it did not matter what I said. She felt offended and she felt atacked about everything I mentioned. I had to ask her to put the relationship in stand by. I guess I moved to plan B because it does not matter where we end up, I don't want to hurt her or be hurt anymore. I accept I also did things that were totally wrong and that she is hurt aswell. As you say 2long it doesn't make a lot of sense to revenge three times if I only suspected it. I suspected her affair for about 5 weeks because of her changes in attitude. I decided to break into her email to find out the answers and I found them. She denied she was involved with this man, but it was pretty clear to me. The things that made the matter worse was the distance. I was alone for 4 and half months before we met again. The breaking into the email is a violation of trust and I understand that. I wish I would haven't done it. I also wish I wouldn't have gone with the 3 OW's. I've been to individual counceling and I am starting to figure out why I did what I did. The rage that drove me to retaliate in such way comes all the way down from my childhood. I found out that I expect women to leave me and when I realized that there was a strong possibility that my wife was with another man, I unconsciously looked for reasons for her to leave me. I will continue working on my own trying to understand why all this happened. At least on my side I am super committed to work on me. I don't want to live this experience again. I want a good and healthy marriage and this bagagge will hunt me if I don't deal with it. I will discuss with my councelor and myself what you 2long suggested, I will work on the integrity.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR RESPONDING, I AM REALLY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I HOPE I CAN CLEAR MY MIND LITTLE BY LITTLE IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD. I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK YOSH AND 2LONG.

WHAT MARRIAGE?

You two act like you are just casual friends with benefits. Married people are not supposed to behave like single people.

I think both of you still want to be single and sow more of your wild oats.

So, get a divorce and then you CAN ACT AS SINGLE AS YOU ARE NOW, LEGALLY!

Then, you can have sex with each other, have other partners, live together or separately as you make love with each other and other lovers too. Anything goes if you are single WITH NO STRINGS!

The whole problem here is that you are trying to be MARRIED while acting like you are SINGLE.

IF YOU HAVE TO TRY THAT HARD TO ACT MARRIED, PLEASE END THE MARRIAGE AND BE FREE AND SINGLE AGAIN.

Then, if you are ever to really be MARRIED in the future, then do it then!

But not now, you both are CLEARLY not ready to be married or even monogamous! You need more counseling and I have no idea what she needs. You are poison to each other. But if you just date and not marry, you can have your "poison" and eat it too!

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>