My husband and I have been having a number of problems for quitwe a long time, tomake a long story short there is history of verbal abuse and I almost left one day because I couldnt take anymore, I try to tell him I cant take his abuse but he doesnt hear me.....anyway to the point, last night I was posting a couple replies on MB and mostly just reading and when we got to bed he said "I dont think its right that you gossip about me to your friends and talk about me on bulletin boards" He told me the other day that I "should never talk to people about our home life to anyone" is it just me or is this extremely manipulative, if he werent trying to hide his abusive behavior I dont think he would have a problem with em talking about my home life, he just knows there is nothing nicce to talk about.....so do you think it is wrong for me to post on these boards? and am I obligated to "obey" my husband and not post here? I dont think I can handle keeping all these feelings in and never talking to anyone about them, I feel so alone, and he s never there for me, any advice would be appriciated.<p>Tara

Tara,<p>Nobody here knows who you or your H are. The basis of his argument is that you are somehow betraying a trust by posting on this website. Does that wash? In my opinion, no, it doesn't. If anyone here could connect your login to a real person, then yes, perhaps you could be seen as betraying a trust. I don't think that there is anything wrong with posting on this website.<p>I don't buy into this whole obeying your H junk and I am a guy. When you have to demand obedience, you are deserving of it to begin with. You have a right to live and to socialize (it is a necessary component of life).<p>In the end, it is a decision that you must make for yourself.

Don't get me wrong, but I don't like the sound of it....if he is verbally abusing you...and he believes it is OK to do that...then why would he be upset if you were telling other people? Why?? Because he KNOWS HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND DOESN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO KNOW ABOUT IT. And as the other reply mentioned, you are not identified on these postings...they are made for discretion. But again, if he wasn't DOING SOMETHING WRONG, he wouldn't care what you were "telling". By the way, you should go out to some sites where they discuss verbal abuse. You may not have a black eye (yet [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ) - but your soul is being blackened by his words. Do something about it now, while you still have the strength in your heart and head. Even though you have children with him, he is NOT YOUR OWNER. And that is another thing, consider what your children are hearing and how it is affecting them...please. I am not being angry with you. I am genuinely concerned for you. And this place is for YOUR SUPPORT. Nope-I cannot say that you are gossiping about him....far from it. You are probably trying to maintain your sanity. PLEASE go find some sites on verbal abuse...read them and maybe you can repair your marriage before it gets worse. My thoughts are with you. CLK-K

Thank you both for your support, I think looking at some websites about verbal abuse is a great idea (I dont know why I didnt think of that! lol) As far as posting here goes, I am going to continue posting here and try to talk less to friends and family about what I am dealing with, I will meet him in the middle but I refuse to hold everything in and die in the process, thanks again for the support, these boards have been helping me alot.<p>Tara

Here is just one site that I found. There are LOTS more out there.
http://www.coachingforlife.org/
Don't berate yourself for not thinking of it. You are under pressure not only from him but from caring for 2 children. But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, even if you HAVE TO DO IT BEHIND HIS BACK, get out on the net and educate yourself. The other thing is, yeah, maybe you should not be discussing him/situation with others that know him, but DO find ONE PERSON (mom? sister? best friend?) that you CAN tell and keep them updated on your progress (for your safety's sake). Thanks for listening...you're a smart woman - at least you RECOGNIZE what is happening! Take care - and start reading! CLK-K

Hi Tara
(that's the name of one of my oldest&dearest friends, who's ALSO married to a John!, BUT you are obviously not her [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I think alot of spouses may be suspicious of discussion boards, for a variety of reasons. Especially controllers, because they can't control this. <p>However, when there's any type of abuse (including verbal/emotional), isolating the spouse from any possible support is very common. They probably don't consciencely realize this is what they are doing, but it is typical. <p>I don't think my H is thrilled that I spill my guts about all his shortcomings, but he doesn't say anything about it. Just the same, for privacy's sake, I'm sure to always log out so my user name isn't there if he looks up where I was. <p>Good luck to you!

Tara,<p>I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. There was not a lot of violence, but honestly in that sort of environment, it is always a mist in the air. The verbal abuse was rampant, however. That was 20+ years ago and I am having trouble typing this. I cannot tell you what the exact effects of it are, but you must do something about it. If you have kids, let me tell you what it does to them. It ruins them. Forever. It took me a solid ten years to get my life on track afterwards.<p>It is so easy to get sucked into that whole self-esteam thing that takes your will to leave away. Over time, you don't even flinch, but your ability to get out dissolves.<p>I can't tell you how to live your life, but I can tell you that you really need to think about getting out. Regardless of the struggles that you then have to face, it is worth it. Only then can you truly have peace. <p>I do hope that you will seriously seek some help before any more damage is done. You should come here as often as you need because this type of darkness can only live behind closed doors.<p>I wish you nothing but peace and good luck.

spt_fl - You posted: because this type of darkness can only live behind closed doors.
Damn right!