Losin' It

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm room bed right after having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I know I shouldn't... But I'm LMAO.

Clever Old Man

A madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie asked the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you $3,000." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LMAO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that—it didn't work."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great
cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and
whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a *****!'"

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

Aguy walks into the bar and sits down and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender is looking at him funny as he has this little green guy sitting on his shoulder.

The guy sees him looking at him so he says, hey buy a round on me for everyone at the bar.... The bartender says let me see your money. The guy shows him so the bartender sets everyone up with drinks.

As soon as the bartender finishes pouring the last drink..... The little green guy jumps down off the guy's shoulder, runs down the bar kicking everyone's drink over!!! Everyone including the bartender screams "what the heck is going on here!"

The guy apologizes, pays the bartender, and tells him to set everyone up with another drink.... and pays the bartender.....

As soon as the bartender pours the last drink, again, the little green guy jumps down off the guy's shoulder, runs down the bar kicking everyone's drink over!!! Everyone including the bartender screams "what the heck is going on here!"

The guy apologizes again..... gives the bartender some money and tells him to buy everyone another round but this time for them to hold on to their drinks.....

The bartender pours everyone another one and then comes back to the guy and asks him, "What is it with this little green guy anyway?"

The guy tells him it is a long story but the bartender insists....

The guy tells him he was at the beach and found this bottle and picked it up... As he brushed off the sand smoke appeared out of the bottle and there appeared a Genie.... The Genie granted him one wish...

The guy thought and thought about it since it was his only wish...... He finally told the Genie his wish....

I wish I could have a 10" Pri_k said the guy to the Genie..... and the Genie told him his wish was granted.....

The guy looked at the bartender.... pointed to the little green guy on his shoulder.... and said, "HERE HE IS!"

Subject: If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.


Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift - and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

LostHusband, I finally understand where I went wrong.
I did buy the expensive present and cook a delicious meal. But... I also mentioned various aspects of his behavior.

And I really should have cooked more delicious meals, laden with refined carbs and saturated fats, and trans fatty acids. I know any man would love that kind of a meal.

Everyone else's was good as well. And why do all the attorney's have to be from Philadelphia?

Scene: The Old West.

2 cowboys riding across the desert. They stop at sundown and make camp for the night. After eating some grub by the fire, one gets up 2 take a leak...

...while he's doing his business, it gets bit by a rattlesnake! He rushes back 2 the campfire and begs his friend 2 get help.

His friend jumps on his horse and rides off 2 town. He wakes the Doc up and asks him "Doc! My friend got bit by a rattler! What do I do!?" and the Doc replies "You have 2 suck the poison out, or he'll die!"

So he hops back on his horse and rides back 2 his friend by the campfire. The friend, hurtin' somethin' fierce by this time, sees him coming, and grunts, through painful tears "What did you find out?" and his friend says, "I'm awful sorry, you're gonna die."

-ol' 2long

A dentist is preparing to do a surgical procedure on a patient and asks him if he wants to be gassed, injected with anaesthetic or given a pill. The patient responds that he would rather have a pill. The dentist gives him the pill and prepares to begin the surgical procedure when the patient asks the dentist what pill was that he swallowed. The dentist responds "Viagra" so you will have something to hold onto.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>