Any advice will be well taken,
Well my wife and I have been married for 11 years as of May 15,2004.We have three beautiful children,my daughter is 12,son 10,and the youngest will be 6 in week.
It all started around may 1st.i had taken a breif stay at my mothers so we could kind of have a break..Well that mistake..I was clueless of what was comming.
After seeing my wife and kids on saturday,my wife said to just relax and take easy.I will come down and see you next weekend.Ok sounded god to me.well that weekend never came.We had few phone conversation than normal and the ones we did have seemed like there was alot of tension.I should of relized something to be wrong but I was too naive to sense it.
On wednseday i decided to surprise them(it is around 80 miles one way).I had bought a new bat for my son,and i wanted to pick up my surfboards,so i thought nothing of it.I had spoke to my wife on the phone and she said her and the kids were at the dr.s and they would be home soon.I neglacted to tell her I was coming up.
Upon my arrival,I opened the garage door like usuall,but the door into the house was locked.We never lock that door unless we go on vacation.I go through my keys and none of them will fit.
So I went to the front door and tried the deadbolt ,same thing..Then I tried the doorknob and the door was left open.
Upon entry I left my son his bat,gathered my boards,then i see my coming down the street,she then turns the corner and splits.I call her on the phone ,She exclaimed,"what are you doing here".I said to pick up a few things,why whats going on?Were not coming home untill you leave she said.Why ,did you have the locks changed?to keep me out.My wife at that point refused to talk to me,in which made me irrate.
Thinking to myself,I said you changed these locks to keep me out,so I kicked the front door in,to show her that it would take more than that to keep me out if i wanted to come in.Which was a mistake....I then proceeded to take her teddy bear I gave her for valentines day and ripped every limb off it and then left.
meanwhile i am still trying to call her to find out whats going on.with no reply i try her friends,none of them would give me any inside info to help.So i returned to my Mothers house.
The next morning I get a call from the ventura county courts there has been a restraing order issued on me.It not only disallows me to contact my wife ,but no contact with my kids.
The whole time I was puzzled in what was to appear in the later week..I went to go to my house per police escort,when for the first time in a week my wife answered the phone to remind me to bring a policeman w/me and i agreed.she then gave me a # to call,and to tell him who I was.Well that was her attorney who served me the divorce papers.I was in shock,I thought after the 3 week cool off period things were going go back to usuall.Boy was I mistaken..
Through the contact thru her attorney,she was not ready for me to come home untill i got my life straight.She said she did not want me around her or the kids if I was still gonna use,and she wanted me to get counsling.
My life was shattered,the very thought of not having my family w/me scared me.Everything I did focused around the kids.I was asst.coach for the youngest teeball team,we were constantly occupied doing something with them all the time.
That broke my heart not to even see them ,could not even talk to them,it was terrible.
We have the mediation in 2 days.I booked me an attorney yesterday and I made plans to go to a 28 day live in program on friday the day after mediation.
i was still in shock at this all,till i picked up a book called,Reclaaim your family from addiction,by Craig Nakken.And boy How much clearer everything was looking.No wonder why she did this,I was wondering why she had not done this sooner?
If one person in the family has a drug problem it starts with them,but by the time everyone is fed up,it has affected all who live there...By reading this i look back and I can see the warning signs now,i could not then.
I have been clean for three weeks,which is good for me but for my wife she wants to know for sure that i have changed,that is the reason behind th 28 day program.i would do anything to get them back.
But now my wife has said she does not want to be with me...??She said you have to do this for yourself and your children..not for me.i can not guarantee i will be there for you when you return.I am like WHAT,what do you mean??I still have not been able to talk to her face to face,all the info i have received is from family that have been to my house and talked with her.
I guess she has had all she could take..As sad as it is for me to swallow,i can not force her to come back to me.i just hope and pray she will.I have nevered loved anyone till I met her.And to think i will never have that love again,well you all know it is the worst feeling in the world.She could hate me with all of her heart,and I would Love her with all of mine...
Now before I had went home that day she had told me to get my life straight and she would always be waiting for me regardless how long it took.So i do not know what to think????I am worried she will go out dating other guys,that would kill me.
I have never been unfaithful to her,but in november while they were on vacation w/their
nana.I made the mistake of letting a young girl come over,(she was 18,I am 35 and my beautiful wife is 29.)nothing happened,she had just came over to get high,but my wife found out.and she was pissed.She had the right to be,I know if the tables were turned i would of been too.She told me,out of all the people,i never thought you would do this to me.You have broken the trust.
Is that something i will ever be able to regain again?Or do you think it is pretty much ove for us??
Since we have been seperated she has changed her yahoo id's from saying married to no answer.I hope she still has a lil spark left in the dimming coals,that once was engulfed in flames..I want that part of my life back again,.the part where the only thing we cared about was being with each other.like making a bed in the floor at noon and watching movies till dark,just getting away for a romantic dinner.lil things like that meant so much especially now,when thier gone,and all you have is memories..
Well even though I ruined my marraige and being a good daddyo for my kids.I would not of wanted anyone else in that place except for my once happy family.And from taking to my lovely wife today,she assures me,were DONE,she has no plans of me ever returning.Which I can accept,i just wish she would of told me three weeks ago.instead i have been in limbo with thoughts of being back with her again..the ones that are really suffering is our kids.which hurts me very deep.I dont want to be the weekend dad,or the evry other holiday is mine...Dad.If we can not be with each other as unit of love,well then I don't want to be...No i am not suicdal.Just very disappointed and crushed.And yes I edited it a lil bit.thanks for all who have posted.I inhale all the advice I can get so keep it coming.You know how us addicts are.......??????
Much Mahalos to all,
TSG3

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: addicted2melanie ]</small>

You have come a long way and still have a way to go. She is right about doing it for the kids and yourself, not for her. Make yourself a better person and she may find that guy she fell in love with so many years ago. You need to protect yourself and try to patch things up at the same time. Go to http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/ as a starting point.

Good luck
Peace

hey thanks for the support.I had no clue how big a part my family played in my life.But since our seperations my life feels so empty and sad with out them.I never relized the lil phone calls we use to have was like what kept me going through each day.But you are right I need to do this for my self,more so for my kids,and maybe she will see the boy she fell in love with,and then again maybe she will see him but say that it is too late.Yuo had your chance and you blew it.That is what I am affraid of.I pray she comes back,but the ball is in her court,she is calling all the shots.
that was a very useful link you sent and I thank you.I am sorry to ramble on again,but i find it relaxing to write.thanks tc

Dear Addicted

You don't have to have an addiction to be treated the way you were.
My now-ex wife did the same thing to me.
Had me kicked out of my own house r/o, did not see the kids..............all because she wanted her boyfriend more than our marriage.

Good Luck

Dear AtM:

Please let me only make one recommendation to you: try not to blame others for your current situation.

Despite all of us having a tendency to overlook faults in ourselves:

Please take a long hard look at yourself.

It is not ok to kick in the front door. It is not ok to destroy the teddy bear.

You did not write more about it, but that sounds to me like you did not have control of your emotions and anger.

I am writing this to help you. So please forgive me for asking this: Did you ever push/shove/hit your wife? Were you ever abusive to her with words?

Was this a problem in your M before?

The wrong way to go about this situation now is by blaming others. Please take the first important step to look inside of you and see what changes you have to make in yourself.

I wish you all the best and -if you find there was/is a problem with violence, please contact the National Hotline for Domestic Violence and they can refer you to a local office where there are programs for men who want to change.

OK?

how was i blaming others ?because i said she would not talk to me?i not blameng her,i was just wanting to find out what was goimg on.this had gone on for a week trying to talk to her..
and yes i know,it takes a bigger person to control the inner beast,and walk away i tried,it just exploded.
and the answer to your question,yes i was pretty verbal at times.i feel bad for the way i treated her at times.i look back and it makes me sick.
we had our mediation today and she did not even go in at the same time as me.that kinda bummed me out.as to this day,we still have not conversated w/each other.it will be going on a month in 5 days..she told the mediator,if the only reason i was gonna go to the treatment center was in hopes of becoming a family again.don't do it cause i am done at this time..
the best part of the day was at the end ,i got to give my kids a big hug and talked for a few.
it was not even close to the time i want with them.THIS SUCKS.
i am still gonna go to the treatment center on tuesday.that is something that my kids and i will bennefit from...so thanks for all your advice and help

Congratulations for recognizing your disease and taking the proper steps in order to arrest the "beast." I commend you for recognizing the ill effects that your addiction(s) has placed upon yourself and your family and that you are willing to to seek the professional help necessary to curb your illness.

I speak from experience for my hubby's multi-addictions has rendered chronic chaos and torturous pain to his family which ultimately resulted in loss of EVERYTHING....especially the will to live on his part. I could write a book except I couldn't deal with reliving the horrors that assulted our lives due to his drug abuse.

Despite the travesty of loving, living and losing it all with my addict, I am eternally grateful that recovery has brought "him" back to me and to himself. I truly believed that "he" was gone forever. Not everyone can "hang in there" as long as I have yet not everyone has the preserverance and patience to wait for events to change. I consider myself lucky in the fact that my husband "gets it" insofar as his addictions, his wrongs and his losses have affected him as well as his family. He is one of the fortunate ones that want to recover and redeem himself. I hope that you, too, will "get it." It appears that you are at the starting gate.

I wish you well on your journey. Bless you and may you reach your higher power!

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</small>