Hi everyone. I am new to this board but I have been lurking since about mid July. I have never participated in a discussion board before so please excuse the mistakes I'm bound to make.<P>Please read my profile for my story. Briefly, my W left me for a married man on June 21. He apparently is a rich foreign (Dutch) executive recently transferred here from Europe. He is in his 50's (W is 36). His W is still in Germany with their four kids (ages 5 to 18).<P>Apparently, the OM told W that he could not get divorced from his W because "in Germany, it is a HUGE social stigma to be divorced and besides, he could not stand to hurt his wife like that". However, that has not stopped my W from filing for divorce. Apparently, she is willing to be his mistress.<P>Ironically, his being wealthy (or so I've been lead to believe) has not stopped W from spending $10,000 - $15,000 since she left. Fortunately, she is spending only money that is in her individual account and on the credit card that only has her name on it. (She is a professional woman making nearly as much as I do.) However, she is not apparently paying all her bills as she has been recieving notices from collection agencies for accounts past due.<P>I never thought there were major problems in our maggiage. We fought occassionally (nothing abnormal) but have always been close...or so I thought. I have read over a dozen books on the topic of Infidelity. I understand the types of affairs, theories of why they start and the statistics of where they're likely to go. However, this does not make it any easier for me as all of you know.<P>I have a question for betrayers - is this behavior (irresponsible spending, alienation of family and friends, callous indifference toward me, etc) all part of this "fantasy" she is supposed to be on? Please assure me that it is indeed a fantasy and that someday she will crash from it and perhaps see the light of day. I told myself that I will hold onto hope and can wait only until the divorce is final. If she wants me back sometime after the divorce (as it happens sometimes), it'll be too late. I feel like I'm in a "beat the clock" situation and would like to get everyone's perspective.<P>I happened upon MB during my early extremely distraught days. I now believe that God directed me here. You all seem so wonderful and supportive...I hope I can share in that love and support you are so good at.<P>I don't have a home computer so I have to use the one at work. As a result, I may not be able to post as frequently as you all, but please note that I read almost all of your posts. I look forward to meeting you.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I well remember the unbelievable shock. Praying it was all some nightmare from which I would awake.<P>I avoid giving advice because mine is not a success story. I understand these methods have worked for some, but I can't help wondering if its just kept me hopeful in a hopeless situation.<P>But I can tell you that your wife's outrageous spending and other behavior are surely signs of the fantasy. It's not a real life she is building for herself. Does this mean she will crash and return to you? She will probably crash. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy has had many affairs and maybe even multiple mistresses in different countries. The fact that she will crash does not mean she will return to you, however. <P>I've had to face up to my own responsiblity in failing my marriage. Like you, I didn't know there was anything wrong. But now I can see it. I just wish my H had made a different choice. I truly believe we could have addressed our problems and made a wonderful life together. But I've been replaced in his heart and he can see no good in our relationship now. <P>Sorry if I'm a bummer. Others here can give you more hope.

Shattered,<BR>Welcome. I know that no one wants to be here, but you have come to the right place. You will find a great support team here.<BR>I have no great words for you. My h is still in fanstasy land, and I have yet to see him crash. <BR>I continue to place my faith in the Lord, and pray that He show me to way for my life. That is all any of us can do. It is such a struggle when you are fighting invisible demons. It wears you out.<BR>Contine to hold on as long as you can. Find your strength in Jesus. He will guide you, my friend.<BR>Take care and God bless you,<BR>Cheryl

Shattered1,<P>I read your sad history. I trust you will find some comfort here. There are so many wonderful people, many going through what you are going through. You actually sound like you are doing quite well. Keep it up!<P>TryingAgain

Shattered,<P>I've got an unruly 8 month old on my lap, so I'll make it brief.<P>I'm assuming you have no children. That's a bit of a disadvantage, but there's nothing you can do. Your wife is living a huge fantasy. She's a piece of meat to this guy---an expensive piece of meat, but a piece of meat. It's very likely that she'll crash and burn. When is the real question.<P>It doesn't like you're having much contact at all, but see if you can delay the divorce by not signing things. Use a Plan A mentality. No lovebusters. Try to figure out what your wife was missing in the relationship. Be prepared to give it to her if she returns.<P>You've got a waiting game here. She's exhibiting plenty of self-destructive behavior here, and I'm afraid that even though it's painful to watch, you're going to have to let her go down into that pit.

Welcome!! I too have thought my H and I were so so "close". We were , in many ,many ways. I still cannot believe I am part of this group. I blame our president too. He made it all seem so "OK" to our country and others. He is a magot in my opinon. My H is also. This is the only way for me to describe my aching brain! My physical ache in the gut was relieved this week, after prayer meeting. Thank God, for that. It was a terrrible concrete like feeling in my gut. I will tell you my H and I have been working at this for several months and I still go thru disgusting feelings/ So, if she does CRASH, you are still in for the emotional rollercoaster. (Christian or not) I will keep you in my prayers also.

Thanks to all who so graciously replied...Animac, Ceecee, TryingAgain, K and Channel#5. Your words of support mean so much.<P>Channel#5, I agree with your sentiments on Klinton...his debacle has, in my opinion opened the door to a new (low) level of moral acceptance. Ironically, as those events played out over the past 18 months, my W would even comment to me how despicable his actions were. We both agreed that infidelity was totally and completely unacceptable. Now, six months since Klinton was "acquitted", my W does even worse.<P>K, you are right that we don't have any children. I'm well aware that in cases like these children often act as a "magnet" to attract the wayward spouse back home. If not for the betrayed then at least for the children. Right now, there is nothing to attract her back home. However, all of her family has expressed extreme disappointment and concern to her over what she's doing. Her well paying job is at risk (she's now on a 10 day European vacation with this guy) because she does not have the vacation time. I don't know how she is pulling it off.<P>Through this crisis, I have become closer to God and Christ. I have found comfort in knowing that there is a greater purpose in all of this if you give your problem over to God. He hasn't yet revealed what the purpose is...it's only a matter of time. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Guys, we can't blame Clinton for this. None of this is new. Infidelity has been around long before and will be around long after the Clinton presidency. (As a matter of fact, a very good friend of mine worked in the Bush cabinet and she said it was widely known amongst insiders that old George had, well, never mind....)<P>Shattered,<P>I agree with everything K says. Your W is definitely knee-deep in this fantasy. I didn't really spend lots of money, but I probably would have if it had been necessary. (I don't know though, I'm a bit of a tightwad.) I, too, am so sorry for how painful this must be for you to witness. <P>I follow the school of thought that some people must be jarred out of the fantasy by hitting rock bottom. So, like K says, unfortunately your W is probably going to have to crash and burn for her to wake up and see reality. If you can find a way to keep holding on and be patient through it, then that may be what it will take to save your marriage. Knowing who the OM is can help you. Does he know that you know? What is he doing in this country? Is there any way you can make his being here a little less conveninet, if you get my drift? Anone work for the INS?<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Shattered1,<BR>It's terrible to even have to look up "infidelity" on the internet and find this place, isn't it? But since you had the need, you've found the right place. This forum was a sanity saver for me when I first discovered my H's affair. Post often with all your questions and thoughts,,it does help. <BR>But I have a question for all our lawyers out there. Doesn't he have a need to be concerned about her credit cards, even if they are in her name only? Isn't he responsible for her debts also since they are married? Shattered1, if our lawyers don't get back to you right away, call one and ask. <BR>I'm glad to hear you are going to a counselor. I did and it continues to help me. As K said, try to delay the divorce as long as possible if you want the chance to restore your marriage. If you've read all the books and this site, you already know about "lovebusters" and Plan A. Goodluck to you and continue posting. You'll get alot of suggestions, advice and strong shoulders to hold you up when you think you can take no more.