Well, I saw my husband yesterday. I wanted to discuss monies with him and then I asked where do we stand at this point. Its his 3rd month he is out and still seeing her. He said he is wants to come back but is trying to figure out how to get out of this mess he got himself into. So here I am, in the same state I was the last 2 times he was out. A waiting game as to when he will come home. Oh yeh, I did say " how long will it be this time waiting, a yr., a month.?" He said less than a month. Mighty nice of him. He's giving me the same line as last time. He trys to see her less and wein himself off of her. Well, the last 2 times it didn't work, so I don't think it will work this time either if he has to do that. If it is that hard to get away from her, he is still obsessed with her and what she is doing for him, and will run back to her again. I'm just starting to feel stronger now and don't want to have to go through any more pain of him coming home and leaving again. He said I am pressuring him. I said, yes,I guess I am. Its been too long already for me, all this waiting even though you told me to do whatever I wanted while you were doing your thing. So I need help in what to do now that he is saying he is coming home!!!!! I am actually afraid now for myself because I let my heart speak instead of my mind... What would all of you do at this point?....I would even show him your responses............Thanks again

Lefty, I have no clue what goes on in your husband's mind. But he has told you before he wants to come home, and HE SEES HER OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND DOESN'T COME HOME.

So, since we are not mind readers, we have to go by his actions.

I wouldn't let him come home until he's lived without her for 6 months. No contact for six months. But that's me. And actually, me would have filed for divorce teh third time he moved out.

My best guess is the man is lying to you both. He tells her he's trying to end the relationship with you, but he has to do it gently or wait until the time is right financially.

He tells you, he wants to come home. But he has to wean himself off her, and he feels too much pressure.

OP have to expect to be lied to. It's part of hte price they pay for the affair. Spouses on the other hand, should never be lied to like that.

I won't give you any advice, Lefty. You won't take it.

Make up your own mind about what you're going to do, and then be happy about it. If you decide to wait around and play his game, fine. But don't gripe about it. It's your choice.

Your really getting annoyed with me, but I don't blame you.

I would NOT show him our responses...what? Is what we say going to group pressure him to come home or something? No. That would be manipulation.

First you decide if you want him back and quit waffling about what you want to do.

Second, if you want him to come back, you have to APPLY MB PRINCIPLES BEGINNING WITH A GOOD PLAN A and imho, some 180 principles as well. That means following....FOLLOWING GOOD ADVICE TOO.

You can't bellyache and whine if you are going to sit here and write about how he wants to come home but is with OW, pooor meeee. We ALL have gone thru this here. We know what it's about. You just get to this point where you do something about it that's all.

In the end, remember that you need to be working with a therapist and possibly a MB coach if you decide you want him to stay. You will probably need meds to help w/anger and depression as well..

It's both my experience and clinical opinion that those, women especially, who go through this kinda thing have anger issues and usually become very much passive aggressive to the very men we are trying to bring back home. That accomplishes nothing and is toxic to ourselves and to them too. You are passive aggressive. Very much so. So if you want to have him come home, do MB and do it right. And remember, a fly comes to honey; NOT TO VINEGAR.

He said he was coming home to me after he settles the mess he caused, and yet he is still going over to her at night. How can I accept him back. He will just do it again. But why can't I just tell him NO. I am getting disgusted with how weak I am in wanting this man back, or do I. I was just starting to feel good and enjoying myself and now he tells me he is coming back. Should I just say to him that he is not ready to come back if he can't stop seeing her, even NOW after telling me he is coming back. God, this is hard. I get so frustrated knowing he is doing this to me....Have all of you gone through all this in-decision so many times. Or am I just a wimp....Be honest....

Been there got the damn t shirt to prove it...but what you're not doing is...

ACTING...

You're doing the victim thing again. Poor me. What to do?

You KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. We've told you.

But, you'd rather sit there and keep engaging in circular thinking that's leading you nowhere.

Break the chain and do something about it.

This is really frustrating.

Please act positively now. You have the right tools. Use them.

OK - Since I do not want a divorce now I will Plan A it as you say to do. But I do not want to accept him back right after he finishes with the O/W. The other 2 times he came home the same day he left her and he went back to her again. I can't take a 4th time. So I would like to tell him how I feel about this and let him know that he cannot pot back in when he is ready. But how do I tell him without sending him into her home for good??? Should I say : a. In order for me to accept you back I have to see that you are doing your part in trying to make this marriage work and so far you haven't done that. B. You still keep seeing her even after you tell me you are coming home, that is not acceptable to me. I'm really at a loss of what boundaries to set with him in order for him to know I cannot go through this again. But I do not want to push him toward him staying with her permaently....I would like to see him today and tell him something in regard to my feelings about coming home so what do you suggest to say without pushing him away???????? If I don't see him today, he comes tomorrow to cut our grass, should I make him a sandwich like I always did , or should I have everything closed up like I have had for the last month?????????? I will Plan A it though as you said..........

Lefty,

1. Convincing your husband you can't go through him leaving a 4th time is pointless. He doesn't care. And guess what? That's not his problem. That is your problem to deal with.

2. There is no guarantee that any boundaries you set won't encourage him to keep seeing the other woman. Boundaries aren't about other people. They are about our relationship with ourselves.

When you go to bed at night, do you respect yourself? Are you happy with the way you treat yourself? The way YOU let others treat you?

If not, ask yourself if you are willing to be unhappy with yourself, to lose respect for yourself on the off chance your husband may drop his girlfriend.

This, my dear, is about YOU.

What gets me agitated is that you're hinging everything on what HE does...if he leaves a fourth time etc etc etc.

YOU need to do a flawless plan a and a 180 @ same time and at same time realize that there are INHERENT PROBLEMS INSIDE OF YOU. It's not all about him.

GG is dead on target ok?

If your M is to heal finally, then BOTH of you have to assume responsibility for it's near demise. YOU can't make him take responsibility...but you are IN CHARGE OF YOU AND RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AS WELL AS REACTIONS.

Saw my husband and he wants to come back. He said he hasn't seen her since last week he broke it off with her. But what I'm concerned with is WHY he said he will be coming home in about 2 weeks. Not now.......This has been the same crap he said the last 2 times. To me, if he loved me, he would come back NOW............ Am I wrong???? Can someone who has been there answer this question??? He said I should just go along with him saying that he is coming back. Yes, I am glad he is coming back, I do want to make the marriage work, but putting me off like this always has me concerned. Should I drop it and just go along with what he is saying and Plan A it. He seems sincere about coming home, but he did the other 2 times too. I know there are no guarantees of anything like you said. And the answer to why he kept going back to her is that it was something different, but he has had his fill. He also said that last time. So it's the same answers as his previous homecomings. Now I have to decide whether I'm ready for him to re-enter my atmosphere, I know I DO NOT want to deal with this again....................

But what I'm concerned with is WHY he said he will be coming home in about 2 weeks.
Simply because you will allow him to do whatever he wants.

He said I should just go along with him saying that he is coming back.
BEFORE he "comes back" you need to have a written, signed agreement with him agreeing to counseling, a no-contact letter, accountability, etc.

Should I drop it and just go along with what he is saying and Plan A it.
No. You should call Steve Harley immediately!

I know there are no guarantees of anything like you said.
I guarantee that if you continue as you have for the last year nad a half, he will be gone again before Halloween.

I know I DO NOT want to deal with this again....................
And yet, you probably will...............

What Chris is saying is that you're still doing the same thing...

Do NOT allow this man to do what he wants. It's important to be nice and make his home the place where he wishes to be, but he does NOT have carte blanche, thus the SIGNED NC LETTER AND DECISION FOR COUNSELING.

You two have had TOO MANY PROBLEMS AND TOO MANY AFFAIR RELAPSES TO CONSIDER EVEN ONE SECOND to try to do this yourselves again. Counselor preferably Harley is needed asap. It's triage time.

You need to be non confrontational but convey message to H that "I am glad you have chosen your marriage and I will meet you halfway in the healing. But YOU must also show me something as I've become mad and become somebody I didn't want to be. The prolonged affair and the relapses took their toll on me and now I'd like you to do something for US. Please send the NC letter and commit to counseling. I have already set up the first session for a week from now, when you have said you will be home. Let's work together on this and do what we should have done last year."

Well, I guess some things I said reached him yesterday. He said that he will be home TOMORROW if its ok with me. I said to him " I do not want you back unless you are totally sure you are finished with her or anyone and that you want to commit yourself to making this marriage work." I really am scared now that he is coming home. Isn't that odd, now I feel as though I'm not ready for him.......I will tell him about the counseling and the N/C letter also before he comes homes. He did mention that he felt we won't need counseling, but I told him I feel I do because, as you or someone said, it has taken a toll on me and I feel I will still need help...

Why, Lefty? Why?

You feel you aren't ready for him to come home.

You have no agreement. You don't know for certain he ended it with OW.

You said you felt counseling was a must because you needed it. If I were your H, I'd interpret your statement to mean "I have to go once or twice with her but I don't need it. She does."

I think your instincts wondering why he's chosing tom come home in 2 weeks were right. I hope you're wondering why he's decided to come home tomorrow.

Could it be OW gave him an ultimatum? He ran out of money? He's been diagnosed with terminal illness and wants you to care for him rather than other woman or he and OW had a fight.

I know some people are willing to have their spouses on any terms for any reasons. I'm not one of them.

So did he come home?

(in my best Dr Phil impersonation)
How's that workin' out for ya?

Yes he did. On Saturday we went out to dinner and a movie and it was raining like heck so I said he could stay over if he wanted to, he had brought all his clothes back already. So he did. He said he broke it off with her on the 17th. He had a call from her and to her sometime during that week on his cell phone. He said she had called that he forgot something and he told her to leave it on my moms bench outside her house. Do you think I should suggest we change the cell phone number again. I did that last time and he went out and gave it to her again anyway. I would feel more comfortable changing it but if he's going to call her, he will find a way and she will find a way to get him even with changing the number. But if I change it, there will be less a temptation to him if she calls. What's your opinion?????????? He said he broke it off, but sometimes I wonder. He said she got mad that he wasn't doing any work for her while he was going over there. My husband is jack of all trades. I'm sure, that is one feature she liked about him. A mister fix - it. I hope he fixes this marriage as well. I am very nervous though, unedge is the word. I don't feel comfortable at all. Still very uneasy. He told me never to acuse him of doing anything unless I have proof. Oh. I want him to him to write a N/C letter also. Do I send it, or personally give it to her, or have someone else hand give it to her????? I'm trying my best to keep my emotions in control, so far , so good, but I still don't trust him for nothing. After all the lies, anything he says now, makes me think its a lie. Only time will tell.......

So you didn't do anything we suggested <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> prior to letting him come home, such as making some written agreements about no-contact, counseling, etc? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Do it now or it will not get done!

Change the phone number.
Discuss it with him that you will be able to see his cell phone whenever and you will have access to his email and his voicemail.
You get access to everything to verify that there is NO CONTACT between them in ANY WAY!

He writes the no-contact letter and you read it and you post it.

Use the example in "Surviving An Affair" which you have previously read.

Lefty, if he EVER again goes back to her, get a divorce. In fact, get the papers set up now in case that time comes.

Lefty, is he showing any signs at all that he's suffering withdrawal from OW? Is he irritable or depressed?

I'm very concerned about his attitude that you not accuse him without proof.

He is laying groundwork for doing it again aka the "no blame w/o proof".

He broke up with her on the 17th but has had phone contact with her since.

He moved back without promising to heal marriage and go to thorough counseling, send the NC letter and give you the freedom to check up on him to prove himself. Instead it's "INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY." I much more prefer the British Justice way of dealing with WS'..."GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT."

Get some phone help asap from Harleys as you've let your H move in WITHOUT any real issues being resolved or discussed.

I can not do anything else until you do this for yourself.

Timing is critical and you do not need to blow up and push him away during this. But at same time must push for these issues in an honest and LOVING manner.

OW doesn't sound done w/him yet. Sounds like she's just mad and threw him out for a bit until you do the cleaning up and send him back.

Please do this. We can't help anymore.