Ok, this is obviously a rant… just trying to cope over here… and I know it probably sounds crass and a little strange… bear with me.

I just can’t understand why she has to be so nice to me sometimes…. I hate it! I know this sounds odd… but it is so much easier to go thru the D proceedings and the custody evaluation with her being mean and rotten to me. I just can’t handle it when she is nice… it is like glimpses of the W I used to know and love… yet we are cordially discussing and working towards the dismantling of our family. I just can’t do this if she is gonna be the woman I love.

Take last night for example… our son has been having a fever and some swelling in his tonsils the last day or two, and WW took him to the doctor Teusday for it. They ruled out strep, but were waiting on some other tests to come in. As such since yesterday was one of my days, WW has been in close contact with me regarding the results and how he is doing (he is fine now, up and acting like a normal and healthy 5 y.o. …the wonders of modern medicine!). Anyway, we got to talking yesterday about the kids and the custody evaluation, her impressions of the evaluator and mine… so on and so on. Anyway, it was the first decent conversation we have had in over 10 months. It was nice but it makes what is happening all that much harder to deal with on an emotional level. I miss her all over again. I don’t see how she can so willingly dismantle our family like this and just think the kids will be fine. This conversation took place around dinner time, by the time the kids were ready for bed she was at OM’s house for the night (as is usually the routine when I have the kids) and was back to being a royal b*tch!!!... a.k.a. back into the fog bank.

I mean, I know it is better for the kids if we can be polite to one another... and I have no problem with that, but it's like she wants to be buddies... which I couldn't handle! And it's not that I'm bitter about what she has done... well I am, but this isn't a manifestation of that (I don't think...) it is just so much easier if she is not acting like the woman I love.

It just never fails, anytime she is nice it just throws me for a loop… the whole next week I will be down in the dumps wondering how this wonderful woman I was married to could go and do this… what the hell happened??? AGGHHHHH!!!!! I hate this!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Why can’t she just be consistently rotten???? Am I alone here or has anyone else been thru these feelings too? I mean, I would love for the A to be over and for her to come home… but it isn’t. Plain and simple, it isn’t over… so no reconciliation is possible. As such, if it is truly over… then let’s get this done with so I (and the kids) can recover and move on. This is made much easier if she isn’t trying to be my friend… ya know?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

Another question… and this happens a lot. Sometimes when I am done talking to the kids on the phone, she will ask if there is anything else… she will say this in a very nice tone. When I say no she responds in a very somber tone…”Oh, okay…. Good night then…”

What the HELL is that???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Is this a sign of momentary fog clearing??? What more could she be waiting to hear from me??? It’s not like anything has changed… she’s still [censored]’n (..sorry ladies for the language) the OM….. Still wants to take my kids away…. Still wants to take my house away…. Still wants a divorce… At least she has done nothing to slow the proceedings anyway. How am I supposed to interpret these actions???? What does this mean??? Or am I just engaging in an over thinking / over wishing / grasping at straws and clinging to anything that could possibly give me hope type of thing here… What do y’all think…???

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi WMWB,

We had a mini discussion going on over on GQII a several days ago about this subject.My opinion when my WH does this to me is that he is probably thinking,"If I am nice to my BS and to my kids and the families and I try to act like a do gooder and be helpful,I can slip the fact that I am STILL a cheater by everyone and maybe look better to myself".

However,all of us(in my family and his) see right through his little plan and do NOT forget all the pain he continues to put us in by his actions.I am not a fool and although it makes me mad too that WHY is he NOW being nice to me after dragging me to he** and back?! I try not to act the same to him.I guess you could say I act a bit frosty.Not happy and not mad but cool indifference. I just can't wait to be away from him for good.I am at the point where I do not want my WH back.The homewrecker can have him and all his selfish behavior.Let her look over her shoulder now and wonder if he is ever going to cheat on her!

If he thinks he can erase what he has done by being nice NOW and being respectful(or whatever he THINKS is respectful),he is sadly mistaken.

O

Yeah Bro, sounds like she wants to come back. You have a lot of thinking to do.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic here, but I think that maybe she is just trying to be civil. I know that with my X, all we did for 3 1/2 years is argue over every little thing. All I wanted was to get to a point where we could talk without cussing each other. I never wanted to "go back" to him, and I don't expect him to forgive me for anything, but I was tired of all of the arguing. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that is how I felt.

Dude…. Are you high????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You think she wants to come back????? Are ya kidding me??? I highly doubt that… if anything I think she feels guilty and feels bad. If she REALLY wanted to come home… wouldn’t the logical thing to do be ending the A first?!?!?!?

But no… she is still there… in fact the @sshole cleared out a spot in his garage for her to park her car…. how sweet of him…. Now she doesn’t have to park in his driveway were the kids and I can see her car…. romantic! Besides, it is obvious to me whenever he is around, it is like she feels obligated to be a b*tch. Like I said, by the time she was at @ssholes house… she was back to being a total b*tch to me. Only a mere 2 hours earlier she was nice and polite. I think he must be insecure and she feels like she has to constantly show him that she “loves” him by hating me. I don’t know…

Out of curiosity… what makes you think she wants to come home???


Laura… Thanks for the prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you can send the angles this way to expedite the end of her A… by all means, go for it!!! I can use all the help I can get. However, I have a hunch that she is only being amicable because we are in the middle of a custody evaluation and she needs to appear as though she is willing to co-parent with me. I fear that once the evaluation is over, it will be back to the rotten-ness that has become the norm.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

WMWB, I'll have to email my answer to you. I'll just say this, I had insight into what was going on with my WW AFTER the fact...had I known I would have done things differently.

deadtoitall

I am interested in how you would have done things differently.

Want My Wife Back,

I don't know all of your story--but how often before she left had you spent so much time w/ your kids?? this could be one of her top En's--

have you looked at what part of the marriage ending was your fault?

I ask this because during those conversations she may see a glimpse of the man she also fell in love with--and wished that you had remained during the marriage--

And yes, the times she's w/ the OM--she's drug back into the fog--and she takes on this persona as a way to not feel her own guilt--of being with the OM--and destroying her family--

have you ever done a complete Plan B with her--no contact except concerning the kids? and even then only through your lawyers if need be??

Meaning when she trys to engage you in conversations about how you think the evals are going--You don't engage--You just respond that you have to go as you have other things to do--if she asks what other things--when you engage her in these conversations--your meeting a need she has--
which is not your responsibility anymore--let the OM fill all of her EN's--as he probably won't be able too--which is why she engages YOU in these conversations--she knows he can't--and it brings her to reality faster---

So if you can disengage yourself--from getting pulled into meeting her need for conversation--
she'll start to wonder why--and as OM tries to meet it and can't--she'll begin to see what she gave up--and will miss it even more--(provided he can't meet that need as much as she needs it filled)

Hi WMWB,

It just so happens I am in the same situation as you. However my stbxw is hiding her affair and denying it. I don't no 100% for sure but I am about 98%. At this moment she has left work early this afternoon to go campming all weekend and Monday to a campground in CT. She told us she was going alone. Hid all her packing and food preparation and didn't really take to many camping accessories. I guess she is at the campground as she charged the reservations to our credit card.

She had been cold since I moved back into the house until last Friday when she got drunk and didn't call or come home until 10 the next morning. Since then she has been more or less cordial and has even sat down a couple of times to meals with us.

You are right it really hurts to feel the old feelings when our interactions seem to be like the old days. Then as she got ready to leave this morning she wouldn't even face me to say goodbye. I am not STUPID. These people have such overwhelming feelings of guilt that they can't face us and have to transfer their feelings in order not to explode. What I can't understand why the guilt will trigger these reactions but not the desire to end the guilt by stopping their affair and trying to rebuild a relationship with their spouses.

I was going to ask you if it's easier knowing and seeing the affair or not knowing and guessing as I am. I am torn between the two. Of course if I continue to snoop around to find out then I am the same guy she hated for being controling and sneaky. Would it do any good to discover the secrets and expose them to every one ? Or will I just shoot myself in the process. Or since we are almost divorced does it really matter which way it goes ?

I would really like to know if she quit the affair and tried to rekindle our relationship if could work again. My heart, soul and mind are suffering to know the answer to that question.

The advice here is to carry on with your life as if you are going to be divorced. I am doing that the best I can. But I also have to be here for my children and set the example that we spent the entire length of their lives providing them. You can't just quit as she has done and change your lifestyle and break your vows and promises and expect teenage kids to react indifferently to it. Actions speak louder than words. My daughter who is 16 now believes she is a free spirit and her Daddy can't control her. I wonder where that came from ? My stbxw says she doesn't want to be controling of them ? Now that really is messed up. Teenagers need a firm guiding hand and mind to keep them from straying to far into the extremes.

Sorry to carry on. But yes it does hurt. If she is nice or she is mean or just plain neutral. As long as there is someone else involved and effort isn't being put into reviving our marriages it's going to hurt no matter what.

I can't and won't run off and leave my kids to have time for myself alone. I will do things with them when they have a mind to. Otherwise I am here for them or working. After 20 years that my stbxw put into raising my and our children without alot of help from me I feel it is my calling and duty to do this.

More later. Have to go get dinner ready.

Try and enjoy some of the holiday weekend. We are going to a fireworks show tomorrow night..

David A

WMWB & David,

Have either one of you read up on and put Plan A into effect in your marriages?

If not, there is a thread on the EN board's about
(update on open marriage) there is a post to him about Plan A, what it's about and so forth--

It may help both of you--even at this stage of the game--and David, Yes, it would be wise to let confront her about the affair, and also to let others know about it--

Hi Thorned Rose,
I've been pal A'ing so much I've got honey dripping down my chin. I've become Mommy, Daddy and breadwinner all in one. I've planned A so much I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I still have a problem with exposing her affair as I don't have any hard eveidence other than tell tale signs and gut feelings. My counselor has also advised me not to try and catch her as it would not do anything to further my cause other than make me look look like the same old guy she wanted to get away from in the first place. Her brother works with her in the same shop and he pretty much knows what is going on and it's no secret. No one has the guts to confront her and tell it's wrong. What else can I do. It's all in Gods hands now.
Peace !
David A

Deadtoitall- Can you send me that email that you sent to WMWB? Or WMWB can you email me a copy? I am in a similar situation here as far as WW's behavior and would love the insight. I feel your pain and frustration.

juke1225@hotmail.com

I agree with October girl...my X is 'nice' to me all the time now, but I just think it his guilt playing with him. I guess he thinks if he is nice to me I will forget what he put me through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He was also his 'nicest' to me when we were married when he was up to no good. My last birthday with him he bought me a piano, the Christmas before that a $2000 bracelet. He left two months after my birthday.

Nice isn't always nice, and in the case of the WS, I would NOT take it as a sign that they want to come home. it is a ploy to make them feel like they are still the good guy.

Hey everyone, I started a new thread with some updates and some other thoughts I've had over the weekend. In short, she is getting nicer and I've decided to play along.

Nina, I completely understand what you are saying and trust me... my gaurd is up. But like your sig line reads, I'm also rather indifferent. So, I'll play the game and see what happens.

Juke, I'll ask him if he minds forwarding that email to ya. If not, I think I can sum it up to you. Check out the other thread I started, it is on both GQII and here. It is titled "Crossroads... need advice from any and all!!!" or somehting like that.