Am I being foolish? Does the Rule of Protection apply to all situations?<p>We finally, after almost 5 months of struggling with joint agreement on: need/co operative desire to participate/when to do/time available/etc; set up an appointment with a MB Counselor to work on years of destructive habits for both, in our 34 yrs of marriage.<p>An appointment was scheduled and received an email response that Jennifer would be available on given dates. My H had read SAA and was familiar with her name from that book. I expressed slightly to my husband, at that time, my disappointment that it would not be with Steve. I mentioned I was a little uncomfortable with dealing with a woman, even though I was hopeful with the MB program. I explained since i have become aware of his As and since his behavior, mannerisms, attitude, body language etc. all have become obviously different in an attempt to be more attractive, pleasant, personable, co operative, etc when around woman in the past years, it was very difficult for me to have a female counselor. (Of course, he said that was a LB, but he did agree I had the right to express this with Jennifer and a right to be comfortable with the counselor.) I have witnessed this behavior towards framiliar and new acquaintences consistently and continually. He does it so automatically now, even when just greeting them, a total different attitude has been developed toward woman than when around men over the past few years. Almost like he is there to please and serve them. He must feel he has been sucessful and gets rewards from that type of behavior. I am very uncomfortable with this continued displayed attitude. Although he tries to diminish this some when I am with him now, but is blatant when he thinks I don&#8217;t know or see him. I felt this somewhat in our first appointment with Jennifer and found it to be a painful, a hurtful reminder of his past infidelities and also somewhat present continued behaviors.<p>The question is:
Should I just be so thankful he is willing to join in the counseling that I should try even harder to deal with these feelings of mine at this time? Approach that entire feeling of mine later on in counseling? Am I being foolish wanting to express this feeling to Jennifer and ask for counseling to be set up with Steve if at all possible? Is that being disrespectful to everyone else on my part?<p>I just seem to resent that he seems to have been resisting counseling for so long until it seemed he knew the appointment was with her, then was overly co operative and pleasant the night of the appointment, immediately before, during and afterward. Which was great, wonderful, amazing, except it has made the whole counseling approach with her a painful reminder for me of how he changes around woman. I guess I wanted to feel he was doing it just for us, not to pleasing Jennifer or to appear as this most pleasant so co-operative spouse. I honestly think he would have co operated with Steve, but the attitude displayed would have been more in keeping with a professional one on his part and less a painful reminder for me.<p>Am I just being selfish and intolerant of his behavior demonstrated? Am I over reacting?<p>Help, please. Any comments and or suggestions would be appreciated. <p>Thank you.

me42,<p>I'm new to this MB so take what I say with a grain of salt. <p>Since your husband had the A, it seems to me that he is flirting with disaster by his behaviour to other women. I don't think you are paranoid, but how to make him change is a big question. I would guess he get's satisfaction in feeling wanted by other women including you. I think it is a positive feeling to be liked by other women, being a man myself, but we have to recognize our weaknesses and make adjustments to avoid the temptations. Just like an alcoholic shouldn't take a first drink, someone that has problems with an A shouldn't mess with temptation.<p>I would ask the MC to recommend solutions to this. It seems like it will require some ground rules that both of you can agree too.<p>I hope you get a good answer to this important question. We will need some of these rules to guide us ourselves.<p>I wish you the best.

me42,<p>Given the struggle to get to this point, I'd stick with Jennifer for the time being. I've counseled with both Steve and Jenn, and they're both very good. Jenn isn't going to be impressed with how "wonderful" your husband is to her. She's going to be impressed when he does his homework (elimination of lovebusters, meeting your emotional needs the way you want them met), and she's going to find out about that by talking with you.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I guess I wanted to feel he was doing it just for us, not to pleasing Jennifer or to appear as this most pleasant so co-operative spouse<hr></blockquote><p>Actually, while it would be nice to feel that he was doing it for you, it's not necessary. What is necessary is that he do what you need---consistantly, faithfully, so that he establishes a consistant track record of good marital behavior. Give yourself some time to get comfortable with this, but don't forget to use positive reinforcement when appropriate.

Thanks Want2FixIt, I think MB has some good rules which do apply to "Protection"- not being the source of your spouses unhappiness. <p>My WH doesn't feel his behavior towards other woman is anything more than being friendly and I am being controling by suggesting he has abused this social skill, especially since he does not treat men equally in the same manner. <p>I thought MB, and I know Dr W Harley has stated during his wife's talk show , that my WH is like an addict and he must remove himself from all situations that might be possible temptations. As you suggested. But my husband doesn't see it that way. He says he will avoid addressing woman if I insist because I say it is hurtful but he feels I am being unfair, controling. He seems to be more and more tuned into woman, his humor and behavior over the years has changed in that h gravitates toward pleasing conversation with them. <p>He just turned 60, "could this be the dirty old man" syndrome? I have always known that he needed admiration but I thought he received enough through his excellent performance at his job, which is always what he has put first in his life. Guess I was really off base.<p>Good luck to you, MB web site is very encouraging and the forum supportive of those who are looking for ways to save their marriages. Keep reading all the books and info you can get here it will help keep you focused and help you with the suggested Rules of marriage, Protection, Care, Time and Honesty. These are suggested Rules for Recovery from an A, MB, but make good sense when trying to restore love deposits in each others Love Banks.
Good luck to you too.<p>K, thanks for your insight. I do feel that MB counseling will be very beneficial to us both, no matter who the counselor. I am thankful my WH has agreed to join in counseling. I do know I will have to get a better grip on my insecure feelings while watching my husband's newly adopted attitude towards woman, but to deal with this now, when we also have a multitude of other issues such as , disrespectful judgements, selfish demands, etc, as well as major EN being unmet, is very very difficult for me to witness this contiued blantant behavior at this very fragile time.<p>I do not feel Jennifer would be immpressed or would respond in any unprofessional manner, I just see my husband's behavior pattern as really hurtful at this time when I am not very strong.<p>I plan on discussing this issue with Jennifer and hope she will understand my reluctance is not personal or questioning her abilities, just my own overwhelming "hang up" at this time. I will deal with the feelings of rejection, " the straw that broke the camels back", his infidelities has caused but i need more love deposits and less LB to heal. i am trying, trying also to hear his needs and begin to fill his Love Bank also.<p>I know I should be just grateful he is willing to commit to working with a counselor, but I think a lot of stressfulness could be easily reduced for me, just by having a male counselor. I don't think my husband would be unreceptive had this been the first altrnative.
Thanks for your reply.

I am no expert but what you wrote rang some bells that I would like to share with you.
First, you are pretty worked up over this. And I can associate with this. I have found that my personal relationship with God and that by giving him my problems I truly can have a peace that exceeds all understanding. Honestly and faithfully allowing God to come into your heart through Jesus Christ is better and stronger medicine than any drug or alchohol I have ever found.<p> Second, I am an recovering alcoholic. And I realy never saw what was wrong with me till I read Dr.Harley's "Love Busters", and what it said about alcoholics being self centered. I am/was guilty as sin. I was so caught up in my feelings that I concentrated on me and my feelings and not on me and my actions. It is much easier to make someone else the scapegoat for our unhappiness than it is to take personal responsibilitiy for our own feelings.And while I don't know you personaly your letter speaks volumes about how what he does and how he makes you feel. Are you making him responsible for your feelings? When I started looking more at my relationship with God, I had less time to concentrate on what a mean old hen my wife had become. And you know what? She was trying to improve all the while all I could do was look for things to critsize!
So take a long cleansing breath or two and then have a long heart to heart with your father. Then let him worry about your husband. Enjoy your blessings. And thak God for your blessings.
May God be with you both

I appreciate the sincerity of dsimmons and truly believe he's got it all in this nice, neat box; but my answers to the problems I've been experiencing haven't come quite that easily. I, too, do alot of praying, and know I couldn't be staying away from the other man without God's strength, but I still love him...right or wrong,,,and probably will for a really long time- and I truly love my husband, and don't want to hurt him or myself or the om anymore, but it just hurts....alot! I guess this one is just going to take time alot of it!

Jewelie-girl
Thank you for your kind words.
I will respond to you here once but I dont want to divert the thread that may mean so much to another, if you wish to continue this discusion please start new post or e-mail me at dsimmons@classicnet.net.
My "neat box" is made of personal beliefs. These must all be examined before use in construction. A belief that is not in harmony with another will not build a "neat box".
Pain often comes from a belief that things should be differant than they are. Could it be that you still have a belief somewhere in your soul that you would like to be with the OM? If so remind yourself gently that you have (I hope) made a decision for a good reason to not be with him. You made some mistakes, we all do. The Bible tells us that "all things work together for good in the lord." This means that if you allow Jesus to have your life every thing that has happened in your life, from the worst to the best, will be a blessing. My father beat me. For many years they were painful memories. But now they are blessings as I can use them to better serve others, including my own children. Your times with the OM were blessings that God will use to bless you and your husband, if you allow him to. My W's OM's name is John.(well one of them anyway). That affair could have crushed me, or any of the others for that matter. But I chose to let God have those things . He can handle anything.
A prayer that I read one time involved holding out your hands and puting everything that bothers you in your outstreached hands. All the hurts, fears, and griefs. And in your prayer you ask God to take these, and pour his grace on them, and forgive them. If prayed with faith this leaves only Gods blessings in your life.
May God Be with you all.<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: dsimmons78025 ]</p>