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Ok here is the question I feel absolutely like stuck where I am .... and I see no way of getting out... I will be divorced two years in September -I am over the individual that was my husband but I am still not over the actual betrayal and what it has done to my life... My exhusband had an affair with the lady who lives next door - This started three years ago - but has been denied for a good three years - and still even though they are dating they are still hiding it to the children - his and hers - and to the general public.... But the fact that the two of them betrayed me and screwed with my head for so long -still is on my mind - it never really leaves me.. And I also think this is due to the fact that she still in fact lives next door to me... I have put up a huge fence - but everyday I open my door or drive into my driveway - I see her car, her house or her - and it is like a slap in the face... I didn't move in the beginning because well my children didn't want to move - and well I also felt why should I because I didn't do anything wrong... And why should I give them the satisfaction of running me out of my neighborhood - so he can just in turn move in with her?? So here I sit I really cannot sell my house - because well I have no where else to go - and it maybe a sellers market but it definately is not a buyers market unless you are making a huge profit on your house - which I would not be after paying off exhusband....So he is also not a good dad - he has seen the kids - so far this year - 3 times for one and 2 times for the other - and both visits were not that long.. So I guess I am mad - that he in fact has a completely single life, has no obligations, no responsibilities - And I on the other hand - am sitting in a house that I don't really care to live in - because of the lady next door - I am like broke as all get out - because he chooses not to pay for his half of the activities - because well he chooses not to - even though it is court ordered... I have absolutely no life because my life pretty much consists of driving my kids from activity to activity.. Now I am not complaining about the kids - really in so much that I am complaining - that even though my exhusband has completely screwed with my life - and he has everything he wants.. And feels nothing - and I am still letting this all affect me.. I am living day to day - but am I happy absolutely not.... How do I get unstuck??? Does anyone have any suggestions???

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I had to live across the street from OW for 6 years. I still see her often. I even worked with her for a few months.

I know how you feel.

(((maw64)))

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Good morning maw,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, don't feel that you are alone, there are others that have felt the way you do, myself many times, over the person that was my H, but mad at what his selfishness did to my life. And then I get control and refuse to let what he choose to do effect me anymore. It has a lot to do with attitude.

Talk to a realator see what it would take to sell your house, how much equity do you have in the house? Talk to your lawyer what do you have to give to x, if he's not been paying for his court ordered share and you have receipts that amount should be able to be deducted from his share of the profit. Talk to the realator about what you will be able to afford from the sale of your house, could it be in the same neighborhood?

Do the kids have to be in all of the activities that they are in? Ask them if there is something that you can cut out, I bet there is.

Ok if none of those things are really possible go the cheap way, buy a gallon or two of paint and paint a room, redecorate, add a few new pillows. Decorate a bedroom, add something new to the yard, you don't have to spend big just make it look like you are. I put in a pond this summer and redecorated a bathroom in duckies, my daughter and I have had a ball and worked hard together. It was worth it and I didn't have much $$ tied up in either project. I made really cool candlesticks to go in the bathroom next to the whirlpool out of some stair railings, my D painted them out and they are gorgeous less then $10 for all 3 of them, made me feel good!!!

I am not sure any of my ramblings have helped you or not. You are stuck if you feel stuck, don't feel that way find things that make you feel better!!! I applaud you for staying in the house as long as you have I could not have done it without great bodily harm to one of the neighbors or their guests!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Trustntruth - How did you do it ??? I mean did you ex go there??? Mine went over to her house once on a Saturday - just recently in fact and he actually had the gall to tell my girls that - his car might have been there but he wasn't.... I mean really how did you do it??? Somedays I don't care - and other days - I am like uggggg - she is the reason my life bites.... and I hate her... Actually I used to look at her and automatically think - b*tch I wish you would drop dead - so I have gotten better - it just really bites.... Why do they get each other - and I am still dealing with the crap from their mess???? uggggggg.....

Daybreak - Thank you ... I know that it is pretty much up to me.. It is wierd I spend most of the time mad at him for what he did - and then the other half mad at myself for being mad at him....It is like a vicious cycle.... As for moving - well my house is only 5 years old - we built it - the girls have most of their friends that live right in the neighborhood.. I actually do not have to pay him a real lot - 28K when my youngest graduates and she is only 11 - but the problem with moving would be - I would want to stay in this town because of the kids schools and stuff - and my friends - my mortgage is kind of high because I put most of the bills into the mortgage - so I could stay in the house --- And the simple fact is also that I don't really want him moving in next door - when I move out... I mean it is kind of like what did I do wrong why do I have to move??? But somedays it really gets to me.... I mean I am ok I am functioning but I am just not happy.... and when I try to get happy I come home and she is standing in her driveway or something and I basically just want to run her over... I have painted most of the rooms - my girls actually want their rooms redone so maybe I will start that project soon... they are getting older and not so much into the girly butterflys and unicorn stuff.... I know this is something that I have to work through - I just don't know though - I mean I am going to a therapist and she is like well what can I do to help?? I don't know lady - that is why I am here..... So I don't know how long that is gonna last... I guess I am just frustrated today.... Thanks for caring though...

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Not many choices here, maw; to stay or to leave.
And - everything has a price...

You stay - accept it (them) in your neighborhood, ignore seeing them, or living AT ALL...

Also, 'the court ordered'... is there a 'higher level of court order' that your X HAS TO respect? (Fight for that!)

I'd leave, and I'd pay ANY price for that...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maw64:
And why should I give them the satisfaction of running me out of my neighborhood - so he can just in turn move in with her??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish my X moved in with his ow!
But he won't and their R could last long long time (seeing each other once-twice per month).
The sooneer they live together the sooner he'll be aware of what he really did, IMHO... and the sooner your compensation&joy watching them suffering together... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Belonging to Nowhere - Yes I wish my ex would move in with her - I just necessarily do not want it to be next door... My ex only sees her every - Saturday overnight and on Thursday evenings - and this I know for a fact - so yes their relationship will probably last a long time because they have no "real life" to live - they are just the two of them - going out - getting drunk - having a great time... Welcome to the real world - just don't do it next door to me... Both sets of kids hate the other person - I mean lets face it is wierd if your Mom or your Dad start dating the person next door - that your other parents were friends with... So they are not in reality - but yet they are enjoying themselves and I am the glutton for punishment... I guess - I know their is a cost involved as far as the house - but I had the best interest of my kids in mind - their world was being tipped upside down and they only wanted to stay in their home - that is why I sucked it up and stayed.... As for taking him to court - Respect well that is out of the question he only cares about his feelings - not even the kids - he is his one and only priority - but of course talking to him you would think he was a wonderful father - it is just his bitter exwife turning the kids against him...

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Sorry, mea culpa (doubling posts!)

Moderator could delete this, please!

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

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again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

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I knew you'd understand me (re: 'them'). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...but I had the best interest of my kids in mind - their world was being tipped upside down and they only wanted to stay in their home - that is why I sucked it up and stayed....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get it and appreciate BUT don't forget if their mom is not happy in THAT house - would they be??


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for taking him to court - Respect well that is out of the question he only cares about his feelings - not even the kids - he is his one and only priority - but of course talking to him you would think he was a wonderful father - it is just his bitter exwife turning the kids against him...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was thinking about a garnishee, nothing else... e.i. who cares what HE thinks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
... Beeing dad should not be let freely go...

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

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Belonging to Nowhere - well he does pay his child support -but it also states that he pay for half of their activities - and the big one is dance school - it is like $150 a month - then costumes -etc. and he doesn't feel he should have to pay that... which sucks because I am struggling to keep them in it... but it is really all theydo - sure one plays the flute and the other cheerleads but I can swing them - but what I don't understand is why he feels that I should have to pay for something that they have been doing for 10 years - by myself... the child support well it is ok - but no great amount of money - because it was all based on no overtime which he has and always has overtime - at least like 8000.00 a year for as long as we were together - 15 years married... But to go back to court would it really be worth it... As it stands now I just do not speak to him at all - what so ever - about anything - there is no reason for us to communicate - he has never asked about the girls school, about their health -about anything that pertains to their lives -he just likes to show up at public events to look good - and he will call maybe once a week and say oh so do you want to go with me this weekend?? if you want to do anything give me a call.... Sad but true.... So I don't know maybe I just have to accept that the *hore next door is not going anywhere anytime soon - and that I am really Stuck..... Until the two of them like you said face the reality of the world - the everyday life - the real world... There is no reason for her to go anywhere.... He used to tell me - she doesn't mind living next door to you - Well duh??? I didn't sleep with her husband and she has no conscience so why should she mind??? I am the perfect neighbor - I don't even acknowledge she is alive....

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Oh Maw,
Hang in there. I have to laugh because I could have written the exact same post...altho my ex isn't paying his child support.

I am stuck too...and I think it is because I invested so much in our relationship and our family. I still can't believe he has done this to us....but he has. I also resent how tough life has become. I feel like a victim...and if I protest, I am labeled a bitter, vindictive woman. You can't win...and it is unfair.

I guess the hard part is realizing that it has happened, and it is horrible, and it is going to take awhile to get over.

I spent the weekend at the Show Me Games and a conference swimming meet. It is hard for me to be at those things, watching the families supporting their children like we used to do...and who was there with me....me. It is emotionally tough...and it is the pits that we have to live like this.

I was invited to two more change of command ceremonies this week....this time I didn't go. The past is over, and I appreciate that they think enough about me to invite me...but it is over.....that is what I think we have to come to terms with. Wish I could be there to give you a hug...but just know that you are not alone...I feel the same way at times.

I admire you...I can imagine how hard it would be to have to see it every day. It might be worthwhile to look into houses in the area...it wouldn't be such an emotional drain on you....and you never know---maybe there will be a handsome guy next door <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Where are you located anyway? What part of the country It would be fun to go out to lunch or something. Like my new name...I hated using MiserynMissouri any longer. We are movinon....RIGHT.... Fondly, Pat

PS....I think I have a short in my monitor...my computer has been on and off all summer....that is why I haven't been on in a few weeks. Take care of yourself...and do something fun today.

Just to share...
I had my moment for the day. My ex accidently called here on his cell phone again this morning. Evidently he and bimbo are back on the road moving to Florida after freeloading for a month and ahalf at her relatives. The phone rang and I answered...said hello about 4 or 5 times and then realized who it was. They were picking up the boat and the Bronco--evidently spent money getting them fixed and are trailoring two cars and the boat to Florida...but he doesn't have money to pay his support---Right....anyway....tried to get his attention---but he didn't know his phone was on. Listening to her southern drawl made me sick to my stomach...so I left the phone on the desk for about an hour. Should be fun to see his cell phone bill this month. Before you think I was mean..I could have left it off all day....it is the little things in life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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Hey Pat - I don't think that is mean - I like that one - how is he gonna explain that one to his wife??? Your phone number for one hour.... good for you .... And I live in Massachusetts - not close to Missouri I am afraid.... and you are right - I think that it is the fact that this was done to me - that is the tough thing to swallow - and most days I am ok - but then - geez it comes sneaking right back to me again... I just want to completely feel absolutely nothing as far as he is concerned - I wish that his actions did not in any way affect me or my state of mind.... Now are you still dating that friend - of yours??? I actually was seeing someone for awhile -last year - but he ended up being 10 times worse than my husband- I guess I just don't have a clear view of people - I mean I was so lonely that I was willing to overlook all his obvious faults - but I soon smartened up - and I haven't even thought of dating since then.... I would love to meet someone - someone normal - Honest and Truthful - I don't think that is asking for much -though I really haven't been looking all that much either.... Thank you for caring about me... I think about you often - about how you had to endure baseball games and stuff - and thankfully my ex's OW is still pretty much in the dark except for the fact that she lives next door... We don't have to deal with them together... Thank god... but I know I will someday - and I just want to not care at all.... I want to be happy... And I think in time I will.... Maybe and hopefully this is the final hump - I am giving myself until December when I turn 40 - and life is gonna begin at 40 for me... Sound good???

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Sounds good to me....

Hard to believe, but I am going to be 50 this year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I look at my daughters...and still feel like I look like that...until I see pictures...Reality bites.

New decades for both of us...have to be better than the last decade....

Yep, I am still seeing him. He has been a wonderful help to me. He has painted my house, loves the kids and will do anything for us. I am no where ready for anything except a great friendship tho. I think he is more involved...which makes it a little complicated...but he knows that I am just not ready for a serious commitment or anything like that right now. There are some flags, and sometimes I really don't know how I feel. So, I am taking it slowly. He is a nice person tho....and he is great to the kids.

I am still reeling from this whole episode. I loved my husband...and I am not healed from that yet....maybe I won't ever be...and I don't want to put someone through that. He hasn't been replaced yet in my heart and until that happens...Hard to believe I feel like that when he is and has been such a jerk to me. The what ifs are still a large part of me at this time. So....just keep plugging on.

Have you had a good summer up there this year? Ours has been surprisingly nice here in MO. Just turned hot and muggy the last few days. It has actually been kind of cool.

Well, I had better get back to work....it is tough moving a household into your home. I have to clean and organize everything just to get things in. Organization and clutter have always been problems for me. I wish I had the knack of organization--it is hard work for me to keep up with everything.

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Pat - OK new decades for us it is.... And you are right it cannot be any worse than the last one right??? I say that every year - and this year I hope it comes true.....Organization... uggg - I think we all have that problem - I actually would love to go through my house and get rid of all of the clutter -a nice dump run is in order - I am thinking... I am happy that you are still seeing that man and taking it slow.. My cousin keeps telling me - when I am ready he will be there - you know when you least expect it - expect it type of thing... I have been using my treadmill everyday - and trying to get fit and trim.. Trying to help myself for me.... So hopefully I am on the right track - and someday - though we will never forget or probably forgive we will make peace with what has been done to us... Well I can pray can't I...

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I pray that peace will come to both of us. At least we are on this side of it...I can't imagine the guilt that must be felt by the WSs on some level. I think that would be hard to deal with every day.

Prayer is sometimes the only thing that is getting me through these days. A really good friend of mine (she is 36) found out she has breast cancer last week. Boy has that been an eye-opener for me. Makes my problems look kind of small in comparison.

She is going in for a masectomy next Monday. She has 5 children, one that just graduated from college, one in college, one in 7th, sixth and 4th grades. Two of her kids have developmental problems, one is autistic.

She has been such a great friend to me throughout this mess. I guess we all have different types of hurdles to get through in life--and maybe it is how we get through them that matters. Anyway, that is my current thought on making sense out of such horrible messes.

I wish I had an exercise machine to work out on. I have been trying to get to the gym--but it is so hard to do that consistantly. I used to do aerobics and step, but I can't do that with my feet anymore. The operation helped some--but I still don't have any carteledge in my big toes. Arthritis has hit in a few other places also. I try to ignore it tho. I start taking Pilate classes last week--good for the abdomin and lower back. Not so much stress on my joints. I really could stand to lose 30 lbs. My metabolism has really changed this year....and not for the good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am determinded also to get back into shape for me. I feel so much better when I work out. I love lifting weights...it is just hard to be consistant.

Well, back to vacuuming my living room. Take Care Pat

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Pat, Wow I am really sorry to hear about your friend - I hope everything works out well... And you know you are right - sometimes what we went through compared to other peoples problems - well ours don't seem so bad do they..... I really appreciate that you can understand how I feel - sometimes it is hard because well everyone is like who cares about her, who cares about him - And they are right - I don't care - yet it still gets to me and they cannot understand after everything I have been through that I let him have that power over me still.. And you know I really and truly wish that I felt like my ex felt some sort of remorse but truthfully I don't believe that he does - I actually believe that he believes what he did was ok because he deserved to be happy - and well as he puts it these things happen - people get divorced all of the time... OK whatever I say - I like the what goes around comes around saying - and also the if he will do it with you - he will do it to you ... So I can always hope... And heres to the future... Filled with peace.... that is all I truly want a nice normal life...

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Dear Mimi,
I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way. I too, have felt this way, since my Xh is married, living in a fine house to a pretty lady, and not paying child support. It really stinks....but we are going to be okay, and God is really going to bless us. Just KNOW that better times are on the way...in fact tomorrow.. Go out, girl. Join a church with a singles group. Go out with friends. I know everybody tells you to do something for yourself, and at that time you can't imagine what that is. For me, it was going out with a guy, it was so much fun. Just don't make the mistake I did of getting too serious too fast, just have fun.....You will be okay. I know about feeling like everything you do is for the kids, because right now I feel that way, but I feel like later we will be SO glad that we were there for them. Please email me anytime at kayhil0311@yahoo.com. I will try to remember to check that email...and anytime you want to chat, let me know.
I'm thinking of you, remember it WILL get better...
KK

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Thanks Kay - I actually did email you but I think it was your old email that I had from a long time ago- because I wanted to know how things went with that guy???? the internet guy??? A singles group now that is a concept there really aren't any around that I know of.. I am catholic so I already belong to a church - but I don't think they have one... Anyways - I am really feeling ok - I just am sick of being stuck - and I pretty much think that I just have to deal with it... My kids are supposedly going with their Dad to Six Flags for a day in August overnight - we will see if that happens - but that will be my only free day I have had in years - but you know what I will probably miss them.... I guess I just get mad at myself for letting what he did to me get the best of me at times... But I hope that to shall pass - I will email you soon... Thanks for caring...


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