I am convinced my husband is suffering from serious clinical depression and refuses therapy. I have tried several times to convince him, but he just refuses. I have gone to therapy myself to make sure that I do not escalate his condition, he came with me once and hated it. Any suggestions on how to save my marriage.

sorry you're going through such trouble to get you're husband help. At this point he is so stubborn, so prayer, prayer, prayer. God will answer, but just be patient. Stop pressuring your hubby, and get a pastor over to talk with him. sorry I can't tell you more. God Bless!

I agree with Arnez. God is all-powerful, and prayer is the answer. With God, all things are possible. Do you have a church home? If so, your pastor is your best counselor.

Just be the best person YOU can be. But don't get caught up in the codependency thing or let him drag you down. I have been trying for over 1 year to get my H to go. He refuses. He told me once his "willpower" was enough. Bull! In men, alot of times stress & depression show themselves as anger. Hang in there. I think you may have a rocky road ahead of you. Be kind & caring & considerate & try to talk thru any issues without a yelling match or insults etc. Develop your independancy a little bit. You cannot make him seek help. He is going to have to Fall by himself. He doesnt see that he has any "problem" or thinks he can work thru it.<p>Would he be willing to read any self help books? or book on tape? I think theres a male pride thing too. Its like "depression" is a dirty word or a women's PMS thing only. That guys should be macho and take it on the chin. Has he reached his forties? Maybe a mid life crisis is creeping in. Asking himself what his purpose is? Why he has not done the things in life he always thought he would've by this age?<p>I feel for certain my H is in midlife crisis. But instead of opening up & talking to ME, he went out & talked to OW and started affair that is still going on 1 year later. He filed for divorce & later dismissed it but nothing has changed the last 4 months & he will be moving out & filing again. HE refuses to admit to depression or seek help. I think alot of men start an affair at this point. Their logic becomes blinded. They see things differently, even if its not the truth. Try to be supportive of his feelings and show him that you care & are available to talk if & when he wants to, but don't nag or pry too much.
See if you can find the book from 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus' RELATIONSHIPS. It talks about withdrawal & the differences between men & women. Good luck.

Thank you for all your responses, this is addressed to cantletgo. I'm sorry for what you have had to go through. I'm confident that my husband is not having an affair and hasn't in the past. My husband is only thirty, but he has already begun with the regrets of what he wanted to have done by this point in his life. I've been trying to get him to seek therapy for over a year, but I usually just let it go, because I don't want to be a nag. There is a special situation, we have been remodeling our house (first house) for 2 years now. Between us living in our basement for 2 years and the fact that he lost his job in February, it justs adds to his depression. I try to tell him that I'm not saying he doesn't have anything to be depressed about. I understand that many friends have let him down and he struggles with a weight problem. With all these factors, sure he has something to be depressed about, but not to the extreme that it affect him. Plus, he has so many problems sleeping. To sum up, he has all the symptoms of depression. From my angle, I just want to have a husband again. I'm starting to miss being a couple and just having someone to hold me and want to be with me, not to mention that sex is becoming more and more rare. Some times I feel guilty worrying about my own needs, and there are times when I think enough is enough. How long is this going to last? Years are slipping away, that we're not going to get back. I also worry about the future and when we run into a serious problem or death in the family, is he just going to fall apart? And will he be there when I need him? I've always been independent and kind of a workaholic, so I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm beginning to wonder if he was always like this and maybe I was just too busy to notice. <p>Anyway, I appreciate your help. A friend had suggested that book before, and I didn't really consider it seriously, but maybe now I will. I have been reading "What to do when someone you love is depressed" and it has helped tremendously. Both in keeping my head together and keeping me from reacting badly and possibly worsening his depression. I did suggest that he read the book. I thought maybe he would see my side of it, and realize he has all the symptoms of a disease. He has asked me to wait until the house is done. He believes this is his problem and then he will get better and want to live life. So, I guess I have to play the waiting game a little longer. Thanks again!

Jen C,
Another book to consider is called "Unmasking Male Depression" by Dr. Archibald Hart
I found it very helpful and it covers many types of depressions from long term low grade, MLC, and severe depression. My h (who struggles through all 3- some is caused by thyroid problems) has been reading it and likes the way it is written and agrees w/the info. It is written in a very accessible manner, with humor, too.
Can you encourage him to get a check up? Weight gain can be an indicator of thyroid problems or other problems that can cause the depression. Just getting treated for that can help considerably. Be aware, however, that the longer the depression goes untreated, the more problems will magnify. Depressions can last for 3 years (and more) and in that time the person can become suicidal or feel so numb that they make terrible choices just to try to "feel" something. Choices like overspending, overshopping, pornography and even emotional affairs and physical affairs.
I pray that your h will get checked out (maybe you could forewarn his Dr. about the depression?)and get help. Even with help your family is in for a rollercoaster ride.
Take care of yourself an you are in my prayers.

To wearestillmarried: Thank you for your support and including us in your prayers. I did convince him to go for a full physical last year and to mention to his doctor that he might be in need of an antidepressant. But, the doctor found nothing wrong with him physically, and would not give him an antidepressant until he saw a psychotherapist, which he never did. He has never been thin, but he did put on quite a bit after we were married. I could care less about his appearance, but i do worry about his health and how he feels about himself. He has close relatives which are overweight, so I think it's heriditary. I am happy to report that when I came home last night I found him reading a book on depression that he found at a book sale. So, at least I know I'm getting through. Even if I cannot get him to go to therapy, maybe educating himself on the disease will help him to help himself. Thank you for your book referral. I'm going to search for it. I haven't seen any depression books for men. I only see for women. Thanks again.

You are welcome! I think there are used ones on Amazon.com as well as new ones. My h felt like the guy writting the book knew what he was feeling (the guy also had been through some depression) and related to it. Since it was written by a man from men's perspective, he was more willing to accept the info.<p>It is good that your h is at least reading something on depression! I pray that it will help get through to him. So many men will not admit that anything can be wrong with them until they have a massive fever or the ambulance is carting them to the hospital. They don't want to be seen as WEAK. That old macho/social construct in society!<p>Anyway, I will pray for you and your h and family. Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to get your own personal counselor to see if you can get any ideas to help "nip it in the bud"!Blessings and prayers!

Hi. Its cantletgo here. I changed my name yesterday because I am trying to let go.
Remodeling house eh? Ugh. We bought our house about 5 yrs ago. It is 25 yrs old, but rather large. It was not maintained and in desperate need of help - nothing huge - but all the little things add up. Missing light fixtures, broken window handles (those puppies cost!!), torn koolaid stained carpet, no window coverings etc. We replaced furnace & AC, mudjacked patio and started remodeling kitchen. Mostly new appliances. But all this marital hell started & floors went on hiatus.<p>Your H is probably feeling overwhelmed, especially with the loss of the job. My H's identity was closely tied to who he was & how he was treated at work. (badly & now the mid life crisis).<p>ANyhow, Have you broken down the remodeling into little MANAGEABLE pieces? So that he can get the feeling that SOMETHING has been accomplished. If you are hiring contractors etc to do it all 7 now he's lost the job, is there any small thing you can do yourselves?? Lowes & Home Depot offer differant classes on how to. . . every month. Go check them out. If they are not in your town, mabye you have a Mennards?<p>Drag that man out of the house & maybe take some homemade food & eat it at the lake. Is he looking for work now? You must have a local city or state 'Workforce' center or "Job Service" that can offer resources or help him. Many have online listings.<p>Did he register with the unemployment office? He should until he finds work again. He needs to treat it like a full time job & really work on cover letter & resume and write maybe more than one resume, with the focus being oriented a little differently towards differant job market. Then print out lots. He should look for anyplace that has a Job Fair going on & attend, gather all the info he can. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people have been let go or even fired for no reason this year. Get him the "Knock 'Em Dead" books re: job searches, resumes and interview techniques. They are very good. <p>I really hope it all works out. Oh, slip him some bananas to eat!! They actually affect the Serotonin in the body which is the chemical related to mood & depression. I have heard St. John's Wort really doesnt work and can have a negative effect on other things. But I heard SAM-e works. Encourage him to see the Psychiastrict for a consultation to get antidepressants. they make a world of difference in our negative thoughts process & will take you off the Hamster wheel (same thing around & around) thought process.