Hello. It has been quite sometime since I have posted on MarriageBuilders. But I have finally broken up w/ the girl that I should have "probably" broken up with long ago.

She is of course devastated after our speedy relationship of 3yrs, which included many-many talks of marriage ended.

I am sad that she is sad even though I am pretty sure it was the right thing to do. Based on Dr. Harley's "Choosing the right on to marry" our I.Q. differential was massive (Hers was 80, while mine was 140). I am basically an Aethiest She was brought up Pentacostal although she has really come to the middel a lot and does not practice).

Anyway, just like I did while I was in the relationship I feel like I need/want to help her through this.

Do I need to just let go and let her fend for herself?

If you think I should/can help - what would be the best way?

Am I stupid and should have just married this girl because nobody is perfect?

I appreciate any/all candid feedback and hope this helps others too,
Jack

Jack:

"Hello. It has been quite sometime since I have posted on MarriageBuilders. But I have finally broken up w/ the girl that I should have "probably" broken up with long ago."

And it 2k you 3 years 2 figure that out?

"She is of course devastated after our speedy relationship of 3yrs, which included many-many talks of marriage ended."

Of course? And how do you feel? And why weren't you effectively communicating your feelings 2 her all that time?

"I am sad that she is sad even though I am pretty sure it was the right thing to do."

A friend of mine once told me that "if you have any doubts, you shouldn't get M'd". I've been M'd now over 28 years 2 the same woman (though we're trying 2 overcome her A now). He spent $hundreds in long distance phone calls 2 his fiance, but the M was annulled after less than a month. Guess he had a "doubt" crop up. If you're as bright as you claim 2 be, you should have been able 2 figure out whether this was right or not 3 years ago.

"Based on Dr. Harley's "Choosing the right on to marry" our I.Q. differential was massive (Hers was 80, while mine was 140)."

Last year, you said she was going 2 get a Master's degree. Did she? I find it hard 2 believe that anyone with an IQ of 80 would even WANT one, let alone qualify.

"I am basically an Aethiest She was brought up Pentacostal although she has really come to the middel a lot and does not practice)."

This is only a big deal if you make it one.

"Anyway, just like I did while I was in the relationship I feel like I need/want to help her through this."

If she wants your help, and doesn't feel manipulated by it, then help her. If she feels pressured, leave her alone.

"Do I need to just let go and let her fend for herself?"

You should always "let go" of the need for control of anybody else's life. I wouldn't call it "fending" either.

"If you think I should/can help - what would be the best way?"

That should be up 2 you/her.

"Am I stupid and should have just married this girl because nobody is perfect?"

I can't answer that 2uestion for you. Only you can. I will only say that it's unfor2nate that it 2k you taking up 3 years of her life, getting her pregnant in the process (which she aborted, right?), 2 figure out that you still don't know what you want.

No, nobody's perfect. Or yes, everybody is perfect.

-ol' 2long

Hello ol' 2long.

First of all thanks for your candid (and relatively fierce response).

But yes you have the right guy and I think it was nice of you to go back and see my previous threads to give your response.

Yes, I should have had it figured out a long time ago. But for some reason I have come to a place where unless my relationship partner lights me on fire I seem to hang in there (but obviously not commit).

She has made a great deal of sacrifices to be with me and has grown a lot and vice versa. I suppose my 3 yr period was because she showed just enough promise that we might make it, but didn't quite show enough.

I think the nail in the coffin recently was when she failed to by my mother a movie tocket, despite the fact that my mother has cooked her dinner 100 times, helped her clean her house helped fix her house, etc.etc. I was appalled when she went out of her way to have my mother pay for her own movie. I saw that as a pretty stingy and disrespectful move on her part. (By contrast I would've bought her mother's ticket for sure and I hate her). We talked about it in a "open and kind forum" and she lied to me saying that "she did offer and my mother refused to let her pay" (and when I checked on that it simply was not the case). Anyway, I took this event as sort of a final summary on her. I guess I just don;t know how else to look at it - certianly not positive - right?

Anyway, still would like to get more feedback and I still have feelings for her because not talking with her has caused me to continue to wonder if she's doing alright? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks for the continued .02,
Jack

Jack, unless you want to start the relationship back up, you can not help her "get through this."

Like an affair, the best way to end it is no contact, otherwise, each time she sees you old feelings will spring up.

Breaking up isn't easy. But it's less cruel than a miserable marriage or worse a divorce. And also less cruel than chewing up her time for 3 more years.

So, my advice is to stay away from her. Don't check on her, don't ask how's she's doing, avoid going anywhere she might be for at least 6 months.

Thanks Greengables. This is my first "breakup" where I have basically initiated the breaking up. Anyway, yeah it is a bummer. I wish I didn't feel sad that she is sad and wish she was for sure doing okay.

Thanks for the input...anyone else?

I am curious as to how you know she is sad if you haven't talked to her? Perhaps she is moving on with her life and doing just fine.....you'd be surprised how resilient people can be.

I'd say if she's not calling you and begging you to come back; she's doing fine.

I remember you.

Leave her alone. You've done enough "helping" over the past three years.

Time for that gal to crank up some "How Am I Doin" by Dierks Bentley. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She broke the silence the other nigth and called. Which honestly I was glad to hear from her to know for sure she was at least doing ok. Plus it was nice to just hear from her.

In no scenario did I think that we would not at least be friends and able to talk from time to time. so that was good (I think).

In a lot of ways, especially compared to other real girls versus my "idealism" she is a great catch. It just seems that based on what I have read here, Dr. Phil, etc.. - that if I am not 100% crazy into it then I should not take the plunge to marriage. So, given the "ultiamtum" I am under I am left with this. Aren't realtionships grand - LOL.

Jack

No friends. No talk.

Cut her completely loose. She does not need you as much as you'd like to think. In fact, continued contact with you would probably do more harm than good.


(I think I'm channeling Nellie today!) *G*

Jack:

"Yes, I should have had it figured out a long time ago. But for some reason I have come to a place where unless my relationship partner lights me on fire I seem to hang in there (but obviously not commit)."

I feel odd when I read stuff like this from you. I'm not sure I'm putting my finger on this right, but it seems 2 me that you have unrealistically high expectations of a partner, AND you have serious personal issues that you MUST deal with before even thinking about having another relationship.

Definitely let her go. You need 2 do this with any relationship you have. Let go of the need 2 control your partner. They aren't "for you" 2 be happy. You need 2 be able 2 make yourself happy before you have another relationship.

-ol' 2long

Thanks for all the advice. It is funny because I find with the more girls that I know/meet that settling seems more like an option. I know that is wrong or at least everyone says it is. This girl happens to be in my opinion better than most, but doesn't quite throw me over the edge for whatever reason. Part of me thinks about giving it a chance.. The other part of me thinks that I'd be a fool trying it not 100% into it given the marriage/divorce stats.. and the last part of me is jsut thinking of giving up on women/dating/raltionships for awhile since that seems to be by far my largest source of stress/anguish.

Jack <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jack:

There remains an underlying problem here that I think you need professional help with. And that is the VALUE of these girls as people. What does that mean 2 you, and at what level do they rank as individuals in your scheme of life? Is the happiness of your former girlfriend more or less valuable, or on par, with your own desires 2 have a partner?

I find it dis2rbing that you believe you will somehow have 2 "settle", as if there's something wrong with not having access 2 all the fish in the sea...

-ol' 2long

Jack72,

My initial impression when skimming your post was "self-centered narcissist."

First impressions can be wrong.
I backtracked and re-read all your posts.
How wrong I was!

Final conclusion: "poisonous self-centered narcissist."

Stop trying to play God. That position is already taken.