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#775379 07/28/04 06:29 PM
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Today I picked up the divorce complaint papers from my W's attorny's office rather than being servied. I don't want this!!!! We a have a beautiful 4 year old child together. I have told her that this is going to change our child's life completely, my W disagrees. This all started about three months ago when my W found out about an internet "affair" that I had in 2001. It was internet only. She say's she can't get past it. Please help...

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Well tell her the truth,

why did you have an internet affair?

Tell her why.

Then listen without any reaction.

Ask questions and acknowledge how wrong you were.

Then say you are right to ask for a divorce.

Then listen to the response.

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Well, it is difficult to give solid advice on such little information, but here's a couple of things to consider.

Don't make excuses or try to minimize your affair. No quotes around the word or qualification by saying it was "only" on the internet.

It is what we'd call an EA, or Emotional Affair. Not all infidelity is physical, you know.

That said, it is good that you're willing to own up to what you did. Now, as to what to do...

First, you need to read the materials on this site. There is a wealth of very good information here. Read all of it. I think there is still an admonition on the front page of the forums to familiarize yourself with Harley's concepts before proceeding to the message boards, and I think that is one message that has been missed by a lot of people.

Then, if she's open to the idea, expose your W to this site, and the notion that she can, indeed "get past" the affair.

As for your child...well, I can tell you from personal experience that divorce will change your child's life. Not completely, but the changes that will happen will not all be positive, and they will be permanent. The sad thing is, your child will pay an enormous emotional price for your indiscretion and your W's inability to "get past" it.

You both need to ask yourselves if you really want to inflict that kind of thing on an unsuspecting child.

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I thought we had worked things out until a few days ago when her mother started telling my child repeatedly in front of me that she was adopted. I feel she the only reason she was doing this was to irritate me, which it did. My daughter isn't adopted. My mother-in-law, I believe, was trying to provoke me into physical conflict, which almost accured but didn't. After the adopted incident, I asked my W why she didn't defend me. Why she let her mother abuse me and my child like that. My W's only response was, "she was just kidding, she's never done anything to hurt you." I have asked for marriage counseling. I plan on seeking individual counseling. My W's only response to why she wants the divorce is "it's just what I want." She doesn't relize the hardships she's going to endure mentally and finacially. She doesn't relize that my daughters life isn't going to be what it could have been. I guess if you love something so much like I love my wife, I should let go.

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I went to see my lawyer today. He thinks my W is having an affair or has her eyes looking for someone else. I'm not so sure. He reiterated what I had been saying all along, that she must be willing to save the marriage for it to be saved. She's not thinking about our child, only herself. If the divorce happens, she will only be ruined financialy and my daughter will suffer because of her self centeredness. I spoke with her lawyer and he reiterated that I was a good father. I've been trying to be a good husband too. I thought I had fixed a lot of the negative aspects about me. I know you have to fix yourself before you can fix someone else. Everyone that I have spoken with has said she will have a rude awaking coming, I just wish she could understand now before it's to late. Maybe I should let go?

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Hi Olepiney,

Sorry you are here my friend. Sorry to say but you are in for a long bumpy ride. As you have probably read in many other posts the first thing to do is read the site. Oh, then read it again. There is a wealth of information here. The changes you mentioned are for you. You can't change anyone else no matter how hard you try.

The changes are for you and for any relationship you may have in the future. Maybe with your spouse maybe with someone else. Maybe just to make you feel better for you..

It's sounds easy when read this but it it is a long and difficult process. There are many pitfalls, emotions and heartaches along the way. Many have traveled the road before you and many will after you and we will all make it through. How you come the other end is what this site is all about.

We are all here to support each other and to listen to each others stories and problems and to help provide objective opinions about your situations. You may not like some of what you read here. But remember you don't have to take all the advice you get here. Some things may work for you others may not. It's up to you decide what will work best in your case. There is no magic silver bullet that will cure everything. If you believe in a higher power it's time to lean on it heavily.

As far as knowing if your spouse is having an affair or not you will get many different opinions. Read them all and decide for yourself. It's very difficult to deal with and no marriage can survive while one is going on. I doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical. Internet sex or phone sex or real sex. As long as you don't have you partners full devotion, loyalty, love, honesty, and agreement on how you both live your lives you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

Good luck to you and come back when you need help, support, or just need to blow off some steam.

God Bless and Peace be with you.............

David A

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I'm going to counseling monday. I was refered to this counselor by my lawyer and coincidently by my MD. I told her, the counselor, that my wife was unwilling to come. I think If I could get her to go also it would help. She only refuses. I've even asked for individual C at first. I know the only way we can reconcile is to address our problems. I'm not ready to accept my fate.

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She finally told me that she could never trust me again. She said that was the reason. How can I regain her trust? I have done all the right things. I have never had a physical affair. I even offered to take a polygraph. I think she's just using that as an excuse and really hates me. I Love her so much. I 've turned this over to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I pray that he'll carry me through this. I've prayed that he would cast out this wickedness I call divorce and that he will help her to do the right thing.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: olepiney ]</small>


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