This is a VENT people....I just know there are gonna be those who want to post to me to get over it, but right now I just don't wanna hear it ok? If that is you, I would prefer you didn't post here. Thanks in advance.

For the record, although we have been separated and divorced for a while now, my X was overseas for two years of the three that we have been apart (and came back to Australia already remarried). We are still getting used to this visitation stuff, so bear with me.

Well the day has come...sooner than I wanted, but nothing I can do about it, since "clicketty clack" (new wife) put her little foot down.

My darling 11 year old son is in a trivia challenge competition final on Sunday. It is a school based thing, and the top twenty schools get to compete on Sunday. Unfortunately it is X's weekend with the kids, and I am also going away on a camp, but coming back early so I can see my boy at the competition.

Now, as an aside.....about two weeks ago I got tickets for X and his wife for the school concert to be held in September, as I knew he would be livid if he missed out, and I thought if I did not get them immediately he just might...so for the sake of my son more than anything, I ordered his tickets. They will be there the same night I am, though sitting away from me. I figured that September was far enough away for me to get used to the idea of being in the same room as his wife (OW - who he admits he left us for) without wanting to have a go at her.

X in his usual style took the inch to mean a mile and says she is coming to the trivia competition this Sunday. I hope it is a big room, because I am not ready to look at her.

Weird, I am over the marriage breaking up, I am getting on fine with the X for the most part, have even forgiven his actions up to a point, but I cannot stand the thought of her being around me.

When he told me tonight they were both coming I just said ok...I think he expected a tirade. He then went on to say they would not sit with me and she would not approach me etc etc...but here is the thing. I don't trust her to keep away. I think she may well approach me because it is a public venue and she will likely think she will escape any negative stuff from me because of this. But I can honestly say that if she comes within ten feet of me, I don't know what I will do.

Some of you may recall a post around December last year when she was trying to force a meeting between us, and another time when she told me in an email that I better get along with her or else....she has called my house when I have asked her not to (via X) and generally tries to assert her authority over me in a number of ways with the kids (yes I know she has none - but it is what she does).

So anyway, I am pretty well convinced that she is trying to be in my viewing area so she can show me that her and X are lovey dovey or whatever. I intend not to look their way, but, well, human nature and all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I have thought of doing a few things to get up her nose too, like giving the X a big hug when he come up to say hello, which he will, if only to get me to look after the girls for a bit.

I guess what I need is advice on how to keep myself calm if she does approach me. I know what I WANT to say to her, but I know it would not be appropriate...hehe...too many kids around. I hate that she will be there, I can't seem to help it, because I guess that it is not my CHOICE to have her there, and my son could not care less either, and if it wasn't the X's weekend I doubt they would have made the time to be there at all.

UGH!!!! I hate this stuff!!!

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Get Over It!
Just kidding!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nina,

Do you have a friend that you can bring with you. Anyone that can be supportive of you and keep you under control. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It would also lessen the chances of any confrontation from her.

Jacky-

I really feel for you. I remember all too vividly how I felt when meeting up with the XH and the then OW when she first moved back to town. Knowing they are together is one thing, seeing it is quite another. The seemingly sick need the OP have to throw themselves in our faces and prove just how happily together they are with our X's doesn't help matters either.

I don't suggest you get over it, but I do suggest you hide your true feelings and don't let them see how you're not over it. If you blow up, no matter how well deserved it may be, it will only fuel their fires. Don't give them, especially her the power.

I agree with WishIWereHome. Do you have a friend you can bring with you? Preferably a tall, dark, and handsome one! XH eat your heart out! Seriously though, bringing a friend will offer you moral support, someone to converse with and keep you distracted, the whole strength in numbers thing.

By attending, keeping your cool, and acting unfazed by their attendance it will strengthen your position in many ways. Your XH will see you for the strong, beautiful woman that you are (eat his heart out once again!) and his wife will see that you have real class and have no need to waste your time over trashy people like her.

One last thing. I know this really sucks, but it will get better. My XH's OW now new wife moved back here permanently a little over a year ago. Up until then she had been at college, yes she is a young one! Anyway, at first it totally sucked to have to see them together at all the kids events, but as I went to them I realized just how many friends I had and how many people supported me and my confidence and acceptance of the situation grew. I can honestly say it no longer bothers me and they still seem to squirm in their seats.

To this day I do not respect their union, but over time I have found that they are the real losers just as your XH and his wife are.

Hold your head high and be a lady. It will serve you much better in the end.

I will be thinking of you!

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong> Preferably a tall, dark, and handsome one! XH eat your heart out! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget the tall dark handsome... You will just feed his ego! Get a short fat dumpy one. Make the OW rethink what kind of deal she got!

Seriously, my first wife showed up at a kid's function with this gross ape of a guy once. I was thinking to myself, "OMG! Self! Get a grip! WTF! Am I on the same playing field as that guy?"

a real blow to my self esteem.

Hi Nina--

I have to say, I agree with the others that have responded.

I remember thoses firsts very, very well.
Even though there would be over 100 people, but it would feel like just the 3 of us in the room.
It made my stomach hurt to think of it, and it hurt to see him with the very woman that he left for.

For me, I always had friends around, and I made sure to be with them, and talking to them. This helped me so much.
It almost became fun for me to see them (from a distance of course) because she tends to look like a mess at times.
It made me feel better in some sort of silly way, that that's what he chose, A MESS! Quite deserving!

Anyway, best advice I know of and agree with, is be with friend/s!

It will get easier, although it will take a few times.

You know, I have still yet to have had any type of communication with OW.
I don't have anything to say to her.
I dread the day that I have to speak to her! Guess thats a hurdle I still have to overcome.

Best to you,
K.

Watch Steel Magnolias at least twice before you go. Then remember that this event is about your son. Then if CC dares to approach you and embarrass you, you can say, "Dear, Dear. I'm here because this is important to my son and I want to celebrate HIS success. I appreciate you having enough grace to not try to steal the show!"

I like the suggestion of bring a friend. On my menu, the friend would be someone whose sense of humor is wicked. Gender not important. Bring a friend who makes you laugh. And the funnier, the more acerbic their sense of humor, the better.

And be sure to wear a pad. When I laugh too hard, I - well, you get the idea.

On a serious note, I'm about to play psychiatrist, armchair variety:

This creature's insistence on putting herself in your way, "educating" you, tells me that the affair & marriage were less about the chemistry between the two of them than it was about her sick need to "act out" some situation or trauma in her own past.

Rather than create her own family unit, she moved in on another intact family guy, and competed with YOU. She gets her thrills out of making you squirm. Think of a leech, sucking the lifeblood out of a living organism. Their relationship is still a triangle.

Your H will rush to defend the little *^#%@ if you react to her provocations. That will gratify her and prove to both of them that you deserved their betrayal. They will comfort each other. It's like the bratty sibling who provokes and taunts to get a reaction, maybe a slap, a curse, or a punch, then cries "look what she did!" to the parent figure. She's still playing that game.

I don't blame you for venting. Better here than where they can see your pain.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Come here and process, process, process and vent vent vent.

I wish I could be there for you... with you on that day. As a friend, here's what I'd do.

I'd introduce myself to your XH... and smile sweetly. Then I'd turn to the OW... and hesitate... as if I was... surprised. I'd put my hand on my chest and have this, "oh dear" look on my face... and then, the big finale...

I'd begin gag, heaving motion, lol, and I'd blow chunks all over her.

Of course, just to be polite... I'd profusely apologize... and offer to wipe it off... effectively grinding it into her clothes and hair.

That's what I'd do if I went as a friend.

lol

Laura

Laura, If I ever get into this situation, YOU ARE INVITED!!!!!

Heck If Nina can hook up with you to make it happen, I'll pitch in for air fair or what ever it takes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nina,

Get over it. Heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I've been where you are going, and it's not pleasant. Yep, I'm divorced for a long time now, and yep the exH continues to have OW in his life--and even though we're divorced part of me still thinks of them as OW! It's "back to school" time here in the U.S., and this year, my D asked the OW of the day to help her with school supply shopping (it was going to be a Dad and D shopping trip, and OW was gonna come along). But what got me was that *I'M* da mama, and I was gonna miss it!

Anyway, to make a long story short here are some of the things I've done:

I practiced what I would say if she DID have the balls to come over and talk to me. Usually it was something like: "Today is D's day, and I do not want to talk to you today. Thank you for respecting my boundary."

I spoke to the kids about how I felt: I admitted that I was feeling left out, a little jealous, a little unimportant, and a bit like I was feeling replaced. It's natural to feel like I felt, and I let them know that I was a human being and that I was going to struggle with it.

I kept telling myself (in my head) that I had been a good mother, I had been a faithful partner, my actions and words had been honest, and that I was the foundation that my kids loved. I may be afraid I was going to be replace, but I reminded myself that I wasn't going to be!!

Then...I REALLY stretched myself and tried to at least deal with (not LIKE, but deal with) the fact that OW was going to be in my kids' lives right now and this OW wasn't a horrible person--she's messed up, 4 kids, still M, etc.--but she really isn't mean or vicious or manipulative (plus, let's face it, next year she'll be gone). I decided that I didn't need to LIKE her or be her FRIEND, but I also didn't need to embarrass my kids or make their life harder or hurt them by continuing to compete against her. It's not a competition anyway! I just decided to drop out of the contest and hold my own show! heehee.

Nina, in your instance, your OW actually is manipulative and demanding. She has alternative agendas that are self-centered and harmful. But, the fact is that now and then she is going to be in your kids' lives. So I suggest you practice what you might say to her if she DOES have the balls to walk up; that you tell your kids how you feel and let them see you are a human too; that you remind yourself that kids can't usually verbalize: "Mom, you were ALWAYS there for us, when Dad dumped us and abandoned us for Clickety. Your actions have been consistent, and they have always said that you love us"; and that you withdraw from the competition and start your own "Nina Queen for a Day" show. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


CJ

Oh Boy Nina,

That is a tough one...I have had to handle that one many times in the past two years...and it is never pleasant.

The first couple of times...I probably didn't handle as well as I should....the last ones have been uncomfortable....but I made it through.

Friends help tremondously...especially if they know the whole situation. I have had some really funny observations and comments made during some of the encounters--really helped me make it through.

I wish I had stayed away from her from the beginning however. They are right when they say they will use what you do say to draw them closer together. Does feel good at the moment however <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I have done better this past year...the more I looked collected and acted my normal self and just ignored them...the more uncomfortable they looked. It got to the point that they decided to even move to Florida...YEA!!!

Wow, thanks for all the replies,

I am taking a friend with me, female sadly, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . She will make me laugh and knows everything about my situation, so she will be great to have along. I could get a male I know to go with me(and a very good looking and well turned out one at that), but since the kids don't even know him, and I don't want to play games, I am not going to ask him. Of course my FRIEND could ask him, he knows her better anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I asked for prayer tonight at church - specifically I asked for grace, since I didn't want to go into details with my whole choir, and it was amazing what the pastor said in that prayer. I will post it tomorrow as it is very late here right now, and I have to go to bed.

I feel that I am doing okay with things....only a year ago this event (HER being there) would have stopped me eating and sleeping, but I find it is not constantly in my mind. I am relying on my faith in God to get me through this. Someone told me tonight that HE will be standing right there next to me, an that is SUCH a comforting thought.

I LOVE the ideas you guys had to make waves, sadly I could not do that to my son (but will keep it in mind for the future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !)

HarryS, thanks for the advice on the short fat guy, but my X has such an ego that all he would think would be " Is THAT all she can get?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks again for taking the time to reply,

Love and light,

Jacky

Sleep well dear Jacky. We're right here with you. I can't wait to hear about the prayer later.

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, I found myself in a similar situation (but a much smaller group) recently.

My WH, his OW and I all work in the same Division at a large company (about 300 people in the Division). Our Division Manager holds a "Lunch with the Manager" each month that you can sign yourself up for. I had signed myself up for this lunch for last week, and when I returned from a vacation, one of my emails was an RSVP request from his administrative assistant for the lunch. The list of attendees were two other people, me, my philandering husband and his partner in adultery.

Obviously they had decided to attend together. I wonder if their shock at seeing MY name on the attendance list was as great as mine at seeing THEIRS?! Anyway, I consulted some friends who love me and care for me. Some told me that I could and should say that I was not attending. However, I said that I had nothing to be ashamed of and didn't think I should lose my "face" time with our Manager because of poor choices others have made. Oh, and by the way, although we have been separated almost 6 months, only a few key people at work know of their illicit relationship.

So, I RSVP'd that I would attend. My boss' boss coached me to look and act professional, to have questions and comments about the Division, and to hold my head high. I did. Before the Manager arrived, one of the other attendees that I know casually commented on my H and I attending "together", I smiled and nodded. I spoke of "our children" and my H responded familiarly. Then, when the Manager arrived, I was engaged, interested, and responsive. I made a suggestion that he WROTE down (the only thing he made notes on during the lunch). At one point during the lunch he said "What would you all like me to know?" There was a silence around the table for a while, and OW said, "I have a long list of things I DON'T want you to know!" He looked levelly at her and said, "I know that." (This surprised me as well, but I just nodded cooly and smiled at the two of them.)

Later, the OW emailed me with a request to go to lunch with me. (What utter presumptuousness and unmitigated gall!!) I replied, for what purpose, and she responded that she was impressed with how professionally I acted at the lunch and that she thought we should get to know each other better. I simply responded, "No, thank you. Sincerely, Mrs. S****"

I know it does not change anything, but I feel like any observer at the lunch (including the Manager) would have thought that I was the most interesting and appealing woman in the room. And I do not have to be ashamed of anything, including how I handled that situation.

Wow HNA,

I have never read of such a gusty performance on the boards. WTG, and you are certainly a stronger woman than I. Thanks for the encouraging story of how things CAN be done.

I will keep my head up high, after all I am not the one who is a gold-digging liar, a cheat a thief and on the fourth marriage. I will focus on my SON...after all, he is the ONLY reason I am going, and it is HIS day, and nothing I do is going to take that away from him. He is so happy I will be there, as I am also going to a craft camp this weekend, and he thought I would miss his day. But I am leaving late Saturday night to get home, sleep and go into town for the contest on Sunday.

Sigh, left it too late to post a long thread again, so the prayer story I mentioned above will have to wait...sorry SR

Love and light,

Jacky

Jacky,

I think you have been given some very good advice on your thread, and I think you will handle yourself very well on Sunday!
Be strong, and walk tall!

To HNA--
I was so impressed with the way you handled yourself.
Wow, to be able to do that! Wonderful for you!

K.

I will pray for you!

I am glad I have never had to be in that situation, and doubt at this point that I will.

My kids are fortunately older and I have not had to do any school function thing. My kids are however at the age where wedding issues might be coming up in the next several years. At this point they have told my X that they never want to meet crotch cricket and if he wants to continue to have relationship with them, he wont ask again for them to meet her.

Crotch cricket did call me at work and harass me at the end of my breakup with X. She called me and I said I had nothing to discuss with her and I hung up. She upset me greatly and just as I got settled and back to work she called again. I responded by calling her boss, explaining the situation and said if she called again I would be filing charges as she was a state employee, calling me from a state phone and on state time to harass me. She called again and I responded by stopping by police station after work to file a complaint. She never called again, if she had, the simple complaint would have been converted to charges against her.

Take a friend, hold your head up. You did nothing wrong, you dont need to respond to her at all if she wants to engage you.

I would just look her in the eye and turn and walk away. Say nothing and go join another group of parents that you may have something in common with. Congratulate them on their childs performance.

Nina too,

We want to know how it went. I hope you were able to show him how classy you are.

My WH wants a dissolution. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way." I guess he wants to make his OW an honest woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> IMHO, nothing he can do will accomplish that!

So, I will tell the truth at work to anyone who wants to know. I worry about loss of productivity in our Division due to gossip, so I will let it be known that if anyone wants to hear my story, I will tell it to them myself so they don't have to get it third or fourth hand through the grapevine. That should keep gossip to a minimum, I think.

The boys will know after they meet her that they should treat her with the respect due an adult, but they will also know that she is the reason Daddy left the family and isn't going to come home. They deserve that truth.

I will always harbor some hope that he will realize that the grass isn't really greener in that pasture, only different, and that if he wants his extended family (sister and her family) to speak with him again, if he wants to see his sons everyday, he has an option. I think I will have to wait for reality to set in.

I have to make sure that I do not behave such that they have a "common enemy" that will draw them closer together. And I will hope that if he does find out that she is not worth all that he has given up, that he will choose to make us a family again.

Thanks for the good wishes and sorry it has taken so long to write back.

Firstly, my son had a great time. They didn't make the final ten schools, but I was proud that his team made the top 20 anyway, and had told him so beforehand; he was very happy and philosophical with his achievement against so many private school kids anyway.

For my part I made sure I looked good, and I really believe God was there with me that day. I didn't feel any butterflies or welling anger as I got there, which is what I was afraid of. I didn't want to be un-nerved, or worse, cause a scene in front of my babies.

I took my friend with me and she was a great distraction. Just as we were about to enter the building, I got a text message from the X telling me where they were sitting, which I thought was considerate, since he knew I didn't want to bump into her.

For the most part they stayed upstairs and we were downstairs. He waved down to me at one point, as he was leaning over the barricade, and I know she didn't like that because I saw her elbows appearing in view next to his, (making her presence known) and I turned away. She would have known he wasn't waving to the kids because at that point the kids were upstairs with them.

My X did come chat to me about lunch arrangements (the kids all wanted to come with me - maybe a little 'dig' at her from the children) and it was okay. I find he and I can converse in a friendly manner, and that is good for the kids. She did not approach me, but kinda hovered in the background, far enough away for me to be okay. I could see her not taking her eyes off us in the background, but I ignored her. If I had been in a more fiesty mood, I may have flirted with him, lmao.

So, all in all it went well, and nothing happened that upset our son's day. I am thankful for that, and I thank you all again for your well wishes and prayers.

Love and light,

Jacky

Sounds like you did awesome, Jacky! Great update. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />