over 2 yrs & X is still in fog. when does it end? H had A with MOW in 2001, D in 2002. says they are just living together, tells friends they are M. OW uses his last name on checking account. doesnt matter, they deserve each other. what concerns me is what X is doing to his child.

15 yr old son refuses to see dad in 2 yrs, wants to change last name, tells dad it is cursed & he blames him for the breakup of his family. X just tells son, mom kicked me out. X told both of us he was leaving to be with MOW. now has new story. gave X a choice me or her, he walked that night. we moved back home & started life over with my son, we are happy until dad name is brought up.

son going to new school & he just found out that dad knows which school he is going to. son was upset now doesnt want to go to this school. only choice left is public school, son needs school with smaller classes, because of ADHA. dad in past has showed up at school, son refuses to see him. dad mailed letters to school, they turned them over to me, son throws them in trash without reading.

seen X since D, felt sorry for him, his new life as aged him. not sure whats up with the different colors of hair, mustach, go-tee. makes him look like a clown with his red hair. called friend tonight, X wanted her & H to meet his new wife. she refused to go, saying she is friends with me it would not be right. H came back only said he looked different. his new life with OW has aged him & made him look tired.

how do I make X see what he is doing to his son? why is X feeled with so much anger? I cant seem to talk with X with all the yelling at me for kicking him out. I lose it after a dozen, you kicked me out & call OW a whore. feel sorry that X made me lose my peace, but I can only take so much of X lying. its like he has a brick wall up, X walking out, now blames me for the D. I loved this man at one time & cried for weeks when he walked out. tried everything to keep our family together. this really makes me mad that he blames me & it only hurts our son.

I realize most of your posts are vents, so no reply is expected.

I have no kids, but there are several in my family dealing with a jerk of a father.

There is no reason not to respect a 15 year old in regard to contact/no contact with the father. If he must discuss your divorce it should be with you, his mother. If the father is forcing that conversation you can teach your son how to end the divorce/affair talk, and end the conversation, until your X gets the hint. If he needs help with that go over what he can say, like; "I will NOT discuss my mother, or the details of your affair with you".

If your son is approached by the father at school, or anywhwere, and this is not desired tell him to scream loud and clear for help.

And obviously you should not be sharing the details of the father's current or past actions with your son unless he asks.

As you said it's been over two years. That's a long time for a kid to be focused on this issue. Is he involved with happy, silly 15 year-old stuff? Are you showing him by your actions that there is a good life to be had after something terrible happens?

son had depression & would just sit in his dark room after D. took him to dr he is doing fine now, wanting to go places, calling old classmates, even had a sleep over at friend house. son gets upsets when dad tries to come into his life.

Dr. said he is mad at dad for trying to hurt me. it was a nasty D with MOW & another girlfriend tried to get warrents on me. X is now saying she didnt.

I believe most of X anger is that he is a controlling person & now has lost control our son. X saids that the state of AL gave him papers on his son, he owns him. X needs to let go & focus on his new family, which Im told he already treats them the same way he did us. I never want to live that way again.

MF2, how do you know your ex is angry?

As for your son, you need to be supportive of him but this is something he’ll have to deal with for the rest of his life. I know it’s upsetting for your son, but getting upset is not the end of the world. If contact from his father does bring about the end of the world, you need to talk with the therapist. It could be your son feels caught in the middle. He may feel like he owes it to you not to see his father, but that he still feels guilty for not seeing him.

As for what your X tells him, since son won’t read the letters, does it really matter? I doubt your son will believe your X.

There comes a time in every mother's life when she has to teach her children to live with courage in the face of bullies and terrorists.

It is sad that so many miss this valuable lesson that can only come from parents. It's the reason so many people turn into appeasors when terrorists threaten harm...

Your son is needing your help to deal with the terrorist in his life. He needs to learn how to live with courage instead of trying to hide from his father. He has the anger, but isn't learning the dignity of standing up and saying "I WILL NOT BE DETERRED FROM LIVING MY LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU CONTINUE TO FORCE YOUR EXISTENCE IN MY FACE!"

Your son needs to stay at this new school you found for him. He needs to clearly tell his teachers that his father has no parental rights and is in fact harmful to his mental health. That any and all letters, gifts, etc. are to be returned to sender.

You can be by his side, but if your son is going to get this, straight to the heart, that he can handle this bully-man-father, HE has to lay out the terms.

I'm the mother of a 15 year old boy with special needs and he is in a small private school where he can get the extra attention he needs. He is thriving there and for the first time in his life, last year, told me "I love my school!"

So I understand how important the school environment is for your son.

Would it be possible for you to do something to keep your H from invading that space and intruding on your son's privacy? A restraining order, maybe? Or at the least, put the school staff on notice that your son refuses contact with his father (provide a photo of the idiot) and let them know it harms the boy and distracts and upsets him, so they can politely ask him to leave and not return.

In spite of your son's ADHA, his youth, and so forth, please know he has CLARITY on the situation. Do what you can to protect him. And your son is a moral young man. He shouldn't be forced to associate with or tolerate a father whose morals disgust him.

The betrayer's fog hasn't drifted over your son. It exists only in your H's immediate height and arm's length.

So sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he involved with happy, silly 15 year-old stuff?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't say that I normally would associate the words happy and silly with 15 year olds, even if they aren't clinically depressed. They call it teenage angst for a reason. If 15 year olds are lucky, they are merely worrying about their grades and their relationships with their friends - but many, perhaps most, are worrying about a great deal more - from keeping themselves safe to whether they will be drafted in a few years to how they are going to earn a living to whether the world will even be around when they grow up.

I don't understand. I think I missed something. What did your exhusband do to your son? Did he abuse him?

"son going to new school & he just found out that dad knows which school he is going to. son was upset now doesnt want to go to this school. only choice left is public school, son needs school with smaller classes, because of ADHA. dad in past has showed up at school, son refuses to see him. dad mailed letters to school, they turned them over to me, son throws them in trash without reading."

Myfamily2:
Your XH is a jerk. You know that. He lies and rewrites history. You know that, too. Your son wants nothing to do with him. So please tell me how in heaven’s name you could possibly find yourself in a situation that would escalate into a shouting match? Why in the world are you talking to him at all? You are divorced. You do not have to talk to him. If your son wanted contact with his father, at age 15, he could manage that on his own. If you and XH ever needed to come to agreement on son’s care, you could locate an intermediary to help you negotiate the situation. If it’s an easy one, that would be son himself; harder ones would go to a friend or family member you both trust and respect; the hardest ones would be handled by your lawyer.
But your son doesn’t even want contact, so you have no reason to ever work through those issues. So why are you allowing any interaction between yourself and XH?
My suggestion: Have son write his father a no contact letter. Counsel son to avoid making any accusations that XH would insist on rebutting and simply state clearly that he wants no contact with his father. Then have your lawyer deliver the letter. The lawyer should reiterate that from now on, any communication with you or your son should be through the lawyer. Then change your phone number and email addresses. Provide a copy of your son’s NC letter to his school and ask that they do not allow XH to contact son at school.
Good luck