Here’s where I stand a week after my divorce:

I’m dealing with the sadness and loneliness of any abandoned spouse. I miss my kids being with me every day. I miss having someone with whom to share the days events.

Although I still love my wife and wish to someday reconcile (history points to that possibility), I have decided to cut off all contact with her as until
A) I come to terms with the A and DV or
B) She changes her disrespectful fog like behavior or
C) She attempts to reconcile

I do not intend to see or speak to her AT ALL, except in the case of the most extreme emergencies, like last week when or baby was hospitalized I need to focus on myself at this time. That's why I've gone dark. I want to see what happens when I get to me. I need to break the habit of my X, the little things one does when living with another. What's my rhythm like? What script do I have to act out?

I wonder if this approach won’t negatively affect my kids (2 & 5). Further, I wonder if we will reach a point when we can’t bridge the chasm her actions and my withdrawal have created, which can’t be good for the boys. Right now though, I’m choking on the fog (speedy divorce, OM house shopping, her parading him around as soon as the decree was finalized, etc.) I am trying to NOT let this drama control my life. My health (hospitalized in April), job (reprimanded this year for first time in 13) and relationships all have suffered as direct fallout of the A and DV. I'm trying to beyond this chapter of the saga. I am fighting on every level to BE level. All the while, my boys are in the middle, wondering why mommy and daddy aren't together.

Eventually I want to be able to have a relationship with her that will benefit the children, regardless of what shape that takes. For the immediate future, though, I want to be able to accept the fact that she’s moved on, and not want to rescue her when the defecation impacts the oscillator. Neither do I want to date, nor do any busy, empty “moving on” activities. I want to just live my life for the next year and get right with ME. I want learn to be at peace in the NOW.

When and if the fog lifts, when and if she can truly see me, I want a new partnership and relationship with the love of my life and mother of my children. I didn’t love that cruel, selfish WW or that arrogant and distant XW, I love my partner, friend, lover and Wife. Dr. Harley says that woman is still in there and that a post fog reconciliation is possible and worth it. Steve Harley told me to work on me while she builds her castles in the fog. This could, of course take years.

My brother, who I hadn’t spoken to in years, called me to tell me that I’ll hurt but there’s hope beyond the pain. He left his wife of 23 years and lived with the OW for 4.5 YEARS. He came back because he began to value the stability and love he left. He regretted hurting his best friend. He found himself wanting to share his experiences and thoughts with her again. She took him back admonishing him that his selfish, childish ways were not acceptable and that the marriage could never be what it was. “Good”, he said, he didn’t want the old marriage.

My point is this: I don’t want my old marriage either. I don’t want to be an ignorant bystander. I don’t want us on different paths, in different worlds. Nor do I want her to feel like I can’t provide those EN the OM in her life have given her. She has said that I ground her and show her the true meaning of God, Commitment and Faith. Right now, she says she can’t live up to that standard and wants to try it with OM. Her passion for me is gone the desire evaporated, my love unwanted. But what of the future? Most friends/family and pundits (i.e. our therapist) are sure WW will return in a year or two. Our therapist is actually encouraging me to be ready emotionally for that potentially traumatic experience. I'm a very 'out of sight, our of mind' person and will be in a very different place in 2006 (the year i turn 40!). I guess my question goes to this point: Is the effort to reconnect worthwhile when someone has worked so hard to leave you in the first place? In principle, yes, especially if you can be happy and have children. Is it vain or futile to hope? Is it pointless to wait even while working on self? Am I protecting myself now, preserving my love or simply ruining away? Rhetorical questions, all, but ones I need to answer. What are your thoughts, my MB friends? Can commitment, patience, work and time rebuild this broken bridge?

I would say, in my opinion, it's a question you really can't answer yet, nor should you... about being able to have a relationship again in several years, that is.

You're right, you will be in a very different place. And right now, I would say you really can't know exactly what that place will be, or how it will affect your opinions. Or what she will be like then if she does want you back. Or a million other things. And that's ok.

For now, your plan sounds good. Work on you. Don't worry about dating or anything. I know you said you don't plan to do any of the "moving on" activities, but moving on doesn't mean dating and finding a new relationship - I feel it is more finding yourself again. I just wrote something similar to that in another thread.... about finding myself again... the me I knew before my marriage, before I got depressed about all that went on, before I "shut down" on so many things I used to love because the mess and all that my X pulled was all I could think about.

I don't have kids, so I can only imagine how much harder doing that will be for you... missing them when they aren't with you, and worrying about them and how they are adjusting. But really, as hard as it is, the best thing to do since you are divorced is to let it go.... not plan for or even let yourself think about and hope for a future relationship with her. If you did develop anything in the future, it would be a completely new relationship anyway. You should look at it that way - if she wants to come back, it would be completely new, and the two of you would have to start all over anyway.

This may not be what you wanted, but now that it's where you find yourself, try to enjoy the ride. Go meet people, see new things, learn a new hobby, whatever it is that you've always thought would be fun but hadn't done.... If you work on you, and concentrate for now on healing, I think you may find that the decision isn't so hard to make when/if the time arrives to make it.

Is the effort to reconnect worthwhile when someone has worked so hard to leave you in the first place?

Forgivness only takes one. To reconcile requires 2. You're missing the other half of that equation. The reconnecting will not take place unless your former spouse decides to pursue it.

Speaking as one who was one year ago and still today in much the same position in life as you I can say this. Take care of yourself. In hindsight I spent way to much time and effort on the reconnecting and not enought time on myself and the children. That plays a huge part in their recovery and acceptance of where they are in all of this.

Is it vain or futile to hope?

No, as long as that hope does not hinder your healing and recovery. You've already answered that question in other postings. Faith is seeing and hearing what others cannot hear. It is also a personal walk between you and the Lord. And as you begin that walk there will be many who call you foolish, tell you to get over it, get on with life, even those in your Church will tell you that. Mostly because they really have no idea the hurt and pain that you are currently experiencing and will for some time.

Is it pointless to wait even while working on self?

Are you waiting or looking for direction. If in waiting you imply sitting then yes it is pointless.

It seems that you understand that if reconciliation takes place it will definately not occur under the rules of the old marriage. That you nor I would never go back to. And yes, we both played a part in the downfall of our maritial relationships, just not in the decisions that our spouses made.

Take care of yourself. Learn and grow from your past. You can even learn and grow from the depression that is probably already there and much more to come.

Concentrate on yourself. Your words about a less that usual review brought back reminders as I too had the first ever because of the events in my life. We need our jobs...our children need for us to have our jobs.

Missing the children. One year later I am still trying to find a way to fill that void in my life. It is not easy walking into an empty house day after day. If you discover a way to deal with this please let me know.

Can commitment, patience, work and time rebuild this broken bridge?

Only if she decided to return. The commitment, patience, work and time will definately benefit you and your children. You can build the bridge but only she can choose to cross that bridge.

Follow your faith, we both know that He will never leave us or forsake us. We may think or feel that way but He is there.

Trusting Him:

Wow. Beautiful. Inspirational. I saw you web site and saw my possible, positive future. You are right I shall not wait but look for direction. I will be still in order to hear HIS WORD, not b/c of paralysis. Thank you for beleiving so much in Him that another's faith has been bolstered.

WxW's former best friend told me yesterday that I should not worry, as x is 'crazy' right now. She cites the fact that she keeps calling, even though FGF is through with her (Friend knew of A, and helped enable it until D-Day. She was also friends with me and the situation coupled with her revelation that WW used her led her to end their friendship).

She says that she's getting Unconditional Love from OM , but cites things that any man would do for his lady-things that I did regularly. Friend can't explain why she chooses to ignore what I have and am doing. Her only explanation: WW is crazy.
Loving uncontionally for me means being willing to bless and love a person who says and does these crazy things. It means doing it even though amnesia has set in and appreciation is forthcoming. It means doing it(whatever it is) ANYWAY.

Harder and hard this becomes, but we find the grace to soldier on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dleightonc:
<strong> Here&#8217;s where I stand a week after my divorce:

I&#8217;m dealing with the sadness and loneliness of any abandoned spouse. I miss my kids being with me every day. I miss having someone with whom to share the days events.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dleightonc:
IMHO, it is natural for you to still be feeling the sadness and loneliness of a BS. I tried to save my M for 5 years, and have now been D for 1 1/2 years, and I still feel sad and lonely now and then (but only rarely). It takes TIME for your mind and heart to reconcile that she left, and that is normal.

Now, regarding miss your kids, I have an alternative viewpoint for you. When my exH chose to leave our M, I was granted full custody for tons of reasons I won't get into right now. He has free visitation whenever he wants, and I purposely chose to move about 3 miles from him so that our teenage kids can get back and forth between us if need be. He CHOOSES to see one child once a week, and the other about twice a month or less. I have my children all the time and have been their sole source of life lessons and providing for them for years now. At first this may sound like a god-send (and in a way it is, because it keeps me very focused and grounded) but I also rarely get time to myself or get the peace and serenity of a quiet house. I have teenagers and their friends eating me out of house and home, and an exH who does not care and/or does not realize the damage he does to his own children.

Just a view from the other side of the road....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Although I still love my wife and wish to someday reconcile (history points to that possibility), I have decided to cut off all contact with her as until
A) I come to terms with the A and DV or
B) She changes her disrespectful fog like behavior or
C) She attempts to reconcile

I do not intend to see or speak to her AT ALL, except in the case of the most extreme emergencies...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is very reasonable and wise. The items you require are "on the money" and I think indicate some good reasoning. She may choose to continue her A, but if that's the case, the day will come when you come to terms with it in your heart and are strong enough to deal with her. Right now it is such a shock to your core-vales that any contact is too painful to bear and just sends you back to step one. And if (my mouth to God's ear) the day comes that she DOES want to reconcile, it is a wise personal boundary to expect to see changes in her ACTIONS (not just her words) and to see HER make the moves on her own of her own free will toward reconciliation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I want to see what happens when I get to me. I need to break the habit of my X, the little things one does when living with another. What's my rhythm like? What script do I have to act out? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet you may doubt me when I say this, but this is going to actually be one of the more fun parts of this life journey...getting back to you. I remember rediscovering my natural joy...my natural body-rhythm...the things that *I* like because *I* like them (not because my spouse did). It was really kind of FUN to realize that now that I had my own space, I could decorate it the way that I like...and I like COLOR, and flowers, and natural-wood look, and modern and ME!! It was almost shocking when it dawned on me that I could set my own house rules, and have a house the way I liked to have a house (I allow for a little clutter in exchange for sharing our space with friends)!! I was overjoyed to discover that I no longer had to watch Star Trek 24hr/day!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I have open-house meals at Thanksgiving and the Holidays...I have grape juice because I'm willing to risk spilling...and I can laugh at the TV. But the most important thing of all, is that I can live my life the way that I believe God intended for me to live it, and not be belittled for my beliefs. Dleightonc, this is actually one of the blessings that are hidden in a divorce--finding YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I wonder if this approach won&#8217;t negatively affect my kids (2 & 5). Further, I wonder if we will reach a point when we can&#8217;t bridge the chasm her actions and my withdrawal have created, which can&#8217;t be good for the boys.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can see that your kids are quite young. Would I be correct to assume they live primarily with your WW, and with you on weekends (for example)? Let's look at a worst-case-scenario: your WW continues on her wanton ways and even gets MORE foggy...and you continue in your black-out and end up completely withdrawn from her life. Is there something in there that ends contact with your children? I missed it!! heehee. See, dleightonc, you will always be their father no matter how foggy and messed up your WW gets. You will be their parent, period. You will put their needs ahead of yours, and you will do what is in their best interests, even if your WW goes bananas (and she might). As they get a little older, you can talk to them about it in age-appropriate ways (like, "I love you very much and want to be with you every minute, but seeing Mommy with OM makes my heart hurt so bad--so I will call you every day after school and at bedtime so you can hear me tell you I love you." Going dark from HER does not mean going dark from your kids.

I struggle this same struggle with my exH. I have little or no desire anymore to "hear how his day was" or chit chat, but because he is my childrens' father, I usually do have some contact with him...on their behalf. How do you go dark when you have to contact them every day??? Well, before I call, I go over in my head what the call topic is and what I am willing to discuss. If anything else comes up, I just say, "I am not willing to discuss that right now. I called regarding XYZ" and if he keeps going back to topics I won't discuss or won't talk about XYZ, I hang up. (For example, "I called to speak to D. I am not willing to discuss the cost of her school trip now. I called to speak to D.")

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am trying to NOT let this drama control my life. My health (hospitalized in April), job (reprimanded this year for first time in 13) and relationships all have suffered as direct fallout of the A and DV. I'm trying to beyond this chapter of the saga. I am fighting on every level to BE level. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dleightonc, it is very normal to have every area of your life affected by this divorce. Your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self has been assaulted, and yet somehow you sort of managed to function during the assault. Yes...it was not productive functioning, but it was functioning of some kind! Anyway, this is an excellent time in your life to get your physical self back into healthy balance. Start to eat again...get proper rest...exercise--you know, the things that you stopped doing while you cried. Get our mental self back into balance too so you can concentrate at work and think clearly and reasonably. You can do it, you just got pushed off track for a little while. Same for your emotional and spiritual self. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect PEACE whose mind is staid on thee."


CJ

CJ:

Actually, we share custody (her M,W, every other F, S, Su; me T, Th, every other F, S, Su) we exchange at school so there need not be contact bxn us. Thanks for reminding me that NC with her doesn't mean NC with my boys. The getting to me is a process I am looking forward to.

I am glad my 'plan' looks good. I hope my heart can handle it if/when OM really makes a home with my WxW and kids.