Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#776223 08/17/04 08:32 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
My STBXBFLWH and I are in the D stages, and were planning on filing on our own, and saving the attorney's fees, since we are in agreement on all the terms of our D (equitable distribution of who gets what, custodial arrangements for our kids, child support, etc).

Is this incredibly stupid or you think this is OK?

I kinda wanted to save on the Atty's fees, but, I am getting to where I do not want to do a darn thing to help this D along. What I mean is, I want the D, just kinda resent working so hard to make it happen, with visits to the court, family law intake coordinators, slews of paperwork, etc.

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
SerendipiT,

"STBXBFLWH"???? Whoa!! I've been here a long time but never seen that many letters all mashed together to describe one person! What does all that mean? STBX=soon to be ex...I got that. And WH=wandering husband...I got that. What is BFL?

Anyway, I sort of filed on my own. I went to the courthouse and got all the paperwork. I filled out all the documents. We agreed on almost everything, and what we disagreed on, we agreed to speak to a magistrate about and accept her recommendation.

As I understand it, the main issues were: Divorce, Property Settlement, and Custody and Support. We agreed on 99% of the property settlement, but disagreed about the house and alimony--in the end, I agreed to not ask for alimony in exchange for a larger portion of the house proceeds. Regarding custody, there was no disagreement--we have joint decision making and parenting, but he can not handle having the kids live with him, and he was not interesting in having them in his life. He DID, however, disagree strongly about CS and actually refused to pay any until a judge forced him to. He lied to cover up his income, so he'd have to pay less, etc. and it was super sad for me to see a parent behave like that. In the end, I showed him that I had bank statements that proved income, and we ended up agreeing on a number that I'm sure he feels is too much, and that I am equally sure is less than the kids would be entitled to if we used his actual income! But, it's a reasonable number and he does not miss a payment.

Soooo...after we had the major issues ironed out, I took the time to write out the Property Settlement and the Custody Agreement as a rough draft--then we suggested things to add, reword, or eliminate. When that draft got down to something we both accepted, we each had attorneys review our version to look for obvious omissions and legalities. We used our attorneys as ADVISORS not as legal big guns, so after they advised us, we made the final draft, signed it, and we were done.

Although we agreed on many things and managed to divorce without some of the spite of some divorces I have heard about, it was not without battles. We strongly disagreed on some things!! But thankfully we were able to each give up some of what we thought we were owed, agree to a person whose recommendation we would both respect, and then accept the fact that we both lost.

Doing a D on your own is INCREDIBLY tiring, and you do get sick of doing all the work yourself. But I think if you pace yourself, and if each one of you have an attorney look over your agreements, you may be able to do it.


CJ

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 7
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 7
SerendipiT,

I am also in the process of getting divorced and we are trying mediation. I told my wife I was leaving her a month ago. I’m still living in the house right now but am moving out in two months. We are still in the early stages, meaning we haven’t seen a mediator or lawyers. Right now, we are discussing CS and Alimony. We have a house, some bills and a lovely nine year old daughter. I have proposed to give her enough money to cover the house payment and a few hundred dollars more as CS and Alimony. This comes out to be 30 percent of my take home pay a month. The wife seems this is unfair and demands more. She feels that I should pay more to cover the house, CS, Alimony and pay for her to go back to school. I feel that the money I have offered her is enough. She currently has been out of work for two years but is more than able to find a good paying job with her graphic art skills. Anyway, we are at a stand still and neither of us are budging. We also have agreed to flexible parental custody plan, meaning that I will watch my daughter during the nights my wife is busy with school and vice a versa. But, I’m not sure how to work this out on paper for the final divorce. I want some type of an “insurance policy” regarding custody just in case we no longer can be friends and she tries to keep me from my daughter. This is a very tough situation and even though we agreed to be friends for the benefit of our daughter, our negotiations seemed to hit a wall. If anyone has any input, questions, or recommendations please reply.

“All I can do is pray.”

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
We have completely agreed on who is getting what, who is taking responsibility for what debt, the kids and visitation, child support, NO ALIMONY (I am the primary bread winner, so I will be DAMNED if I am paying him to be a BIG FAT LOSER, BFL, by the way, cheater).

What I am concerned about is what if you do not spell everything out that you are supposed to. What if you do not specify what you should about things that could later come back to haunt you. Just want to save the money (do not want to waste one more thing on this mess...money, time, resources, anything), but at the same time, not screw myself any harder than I have already been screwed in this terrible mess.

Thanks for any and all insights!

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wassabi:
<strong> I am also in the process of getting divorced and we are trying mediation. ... I have proposed to give her enough money to cover the house payment and a few hundred dollars more as CS and Alimony. This comes out to be 30 percent of my take home pay a month. The wife seems this is unfair and demands more. She feels that I should pay more to cover the house, CS, Alimony and pay for her to go back to school. ...I want some type of an &#8220;insurance policy&#8221; regarding custody just in case we no longer can be friends and she tries to keep me from my daughter.

If anyone has any input, questions, or recommendations please reply. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wassabi,

I do have a recommendation. Usually to break a stalemate like this, you offer something completely different, or offer her something SHE wants in exchange for something YOU want. Bear in mind that you are both going to have to lose something here that is precious to you. This is the loss part of a divorce--no one wins, and both lose.

If you would like me to help you out with this, why don't you contact me at my personal email below: faithfulwifecj@yahoo.com or at my business email: affinity_coaching@yahoo.com. I think that I could help you guys get past this stalemate.


CJ

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 3,830
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong> What I am concerned about is what if you do not spell everything out that you are supposed to. What if you do not specify what you should about things that could later come back to haunt you. Just want to save the money (do not want to waste one more thing on this mess...money, time, resources, anything), but at the same time, not screw myself any harder than I have already been screwed in this terrible mess.

Thanks for any and all insights! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, SerendipiT, this is why you have a lawyer look it over for you. You do as much research as possible and do the best job you can to include everything you can think of. Ask friends, family, others who have been through it, etc. what you should include, and then make nots of what you'd like to say in YOUR agreement.

THEN...you have your lawyer review it for content and legalities, and he has his lawyer review it for content and legalities. You will have to pay them something for the review and recommendations, but it will be less that having two lawyers duke out the whole thing. They will give you suggestions, things to add, things to reword, and things to delete.

And SerendipiT, NO ONE can think of everything that needs to be included in these agreements. That would mean that the lawyers would have to know both you and EX well enough to know the tricks you guys are likely to pull! But the lawyers will at least know the most common stuff to put in and the stuff you legally can and can not put in, etc.


CJ

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 656
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 656
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong> My STBXBFLWH and I are in the D stages, and were planning on filing on our own, and saving the attorney's fees, since we are in agreement on all the terms of our D (equitable distribution of who gets what, custodial arrangements for our kids, child support, etc).

Is this incredibly stupid or you think this is OK?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it worked out fine for me.

Here in Arizona, we have a pretty simple "do it yourself" divorce kit available from the court. Now that I think about it, filling out the paperwork and making sure it was filed right was actually the easiest part of my divorce!


However, we had already agreed on division of property/debts etc, and deliberately left the child OUT of the proceeding, so that simplified things a great deal.

If there is even the slightest possibility that there could be any kind of dispute over custody/child support issues, at very least have a lawyer look over the documentation before you sign anything.

Its kinda like the old cold war arms reduction credo:

"Trust, but verify!"

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 7
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 7
Thanks for the advice CJ and I will hold on to your email address. My wife got back from her normal session with her counselor (not marriage) and she told me that counselor said not to trust me and that it's a good idea to see a divorce counselor together. I think that's a good idea but I just don't know what to expect. will the divorce counselor help us with our stailmates or will it just help with the stress and anger? either way I'm still going to go with her. I was just curious.

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5
P
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5
Serendipit,

I am going through an uncontested divorce with my STBX. Fortunately, though I don't want the divorce, we get along as friends (go figure!) so we were able to come to a happy middle road. We have 1 child together and I have no problem giving money due to STBX for son. I would suggest you have a lawyer look over the paperwork before submission but other than that, if you can stay at a happy middle ground and save funds, why not? I'm not the one who initiated this and I know my STBX did alot of work but if you really want anything in life, it's going to take work.

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,231
Peace:

Well, while I have no respect for STBX, we are kinda friends (friends would probably be too strong a word, because while I can still be in the same room, laugh with him, have amicable chatter with him, and do not want to SCREW him in this D or wish him any harm, I hardly seek to spend my spare time with him, desire his company, or would really sacrifice great deals of time, money or energy for his happiness or selfish wants). I am more than anything ready to be closing this chapter of my life, and if we can do that while being amicable mature adults, I am all for that.

Thanks

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,649
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,649
serendip...
i live in texas and filed my own..twice...if you can get the respondent to sign the papers, it's pretty easy..

You just file, waiting your time then go tell the judge it's over...no hope.

you can email me at franklymydear59@yahoo.com if i can possibly be of any further service.

Best of luck.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Blackhawk), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5