Hi everyone-

Well we met with the Guardian ad Litem today. He seemed to think that my XH and I should try again to mediate an agreement in our custody dispute.

The last time I met with him alone he was acting as the Guardian, a role he still kept today, but today I saw more of the mediator, you know the whole devil's advocate side of things.

I don't know, this whole thing gets to me. I feel like everything I have done stands for nothing and it's like lets forget the things the XH has done. It is so unfair. Throughout the whole thing my XH blatantly lied (he couldn't even look at me, he kept staring at the wall)and here the Guardian is telling me that I need to try and trust him. How? To make matters worse my XH kept on saying that it doesn't really matter what the kids want or are used to because they're adaptable. Hello? Sure they have adjusted seemingly well to the divorce, but who knows how many adaptions and adjustments they can take. My XH really couldn't care less, all he cares about is himself. This whole thing makes me sick.

The Guardian told my XH that his getting 50/50 is about as feasible as me keeping our current 85/15, but still my XH is pushing for it. Now my XH is supposed to come up with a plan that is somewhere inbetween and present it to me. I can't wait to see it. Does anyone have any examples of how they parent on 70/30 timetables or such? I came up with what I feel is a fair 70/30 plan, but the bulk of his time falls in the summer. Does anyone have anything with time distributed throughout the year?

I was really hoping for more today. I feel like this will never end.

Take care and God bless!
K

PS- The Guardian stated upfront that he knew the OWwife as a child growing up, but had lost touch in the last six years. He said he had always found her to be a good person, but that it didn't change his opinion of the facts, but I am not so sure.

Still Reeling,

Sounds like your going through a rough time with having to give up some of the security that you have with your kids.

I don't recall much about your situation but my best recomendation is to try to make it as easy as possible for you and your kids.

Are you obligated to this gaurdian?

If you are not comfortble with him and you can get another, do it now. I have already refused to see 2 mediators. 1 because I graduated HS with her and the other because she told me"That's life, deal with it"

Don't do what you are not comfortable with.

WIWH

Thanks WIWH-

It is hard trying to give up the time with my kids, especially to a man who has a history of unreliability, alcoholism, lying, abuse, etc. The fact that it seems I am now supposed to ignore all of this and give him the benefit of the doubt is almost unbelievable. It's not that easy.

A thing that really gets to me is his total denial of all he has done. Sure he is always willing to give the blanket statement of how I was a good wife and mother and he screwed up the marriage and will take all the blame, but then almost immediately goes on to bash me and the horrible person I am. It's like which story is it? He lied so many times today and was so shifty; no eye contact, squirming in his seat, changing the story, etc. Even an idiot could tell that he was lying yet he goes on with his Poor Me version of Ward Cleaver without a second thought. It really makes me ill to even think about it.

I do have some uneasiness about the whole situation with the attorney knowing my XH's wife when she grew up. She was friends with his daughter and they have since lost touch. Truth be told he is probably thinking what the ????? and wondering how my XH does it, but that is besides the point. I don't want his memories of the good girl she was, albeit before college and her big affair, flavoring his opinion of my XH's parenting abilities.

I really am trying to keep the best interests of my kids at heart and am looking for compromise. Like I said earlier, I am open to increasing his time and would love to hear some suggestions on how to do it, keeping in mind a 70/30 time split which I believe is feasible.

Thanks again for the suggestions.

Take care and God bless!
K

Assuming your 85-15 is currently XH has kids every other weekend,
and several weeks in the summer...

How about allowing him to have the kids every weekend
EXCEPT, of course, the holiday weekends, and you rotate those holidays each year...with YOU always having Mother's Day and HIM always having Father's Day.
You could even make him out a yearly calendar....we teachers know how to schedule and plan a long time in advance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Actually, with all the major holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day, etc) you would have them once a month (on the weekend) quite often, and it would look like he had them twice as much as he currently does (assuming he has them every other weekend).

Personally, if I had to share my child more, I would be more agreeable to the time being on the weekend rather than during the school week.

Good luck!

Thanks Olyvia-

I have thought about increasing weekend time. I actually was considering three weekends instead of every other.

I guess I feel that the week time is off limits, as I really don't want to mess with their school routines, but I don't know if the courts will agree. I am open to considering weekends and more summer time. As for my XH I doubt he'll agree to anything as he wants 50/50 nothing less no matter how screwed up of a schedule it would mean. He actually has the nerve to continually say it's not about money, but if it's not wouldn't doubling his present time as I have offered be a good starting point?

Thanks for the response. Keep them coming please.

Take care and God bless!
K

I have read research that states the 50/50 deal, especially for younger children who are not mobile on their own (younger than 16/17) is NOT healthy. It is far TOO unstable an environment. They are too scared as it is, to have to wonder where they are laying their head night after night. Have you considered digging up some of this research. Perhaps your XH would listen to 3rd party research.

I still think you need some weekends too. It is not fair that your children's only experience with you is the routine, get up for school, do your homework, schedule of life. They need to see fun and relaxed Mom. They need the quality time with you that the weekends provide.

I know the children NEED both parents...but they also NEED a stable, constant home life. And they really NEEDED their Dad to get over himself, stop being so damn selfish, and ADAPT to their life, the responsibility that parenthood SHOULD have meant to him. It angers me to read how he so flipantly says, oh, well they will adapt. The question is, what will that adaptation yield? A unsure child? A child who will struggle to have healthy adult relationships one day? A child who gets to feel like a pawn in this power play? A child who is robbed of the peace and security that his parents SHOULD have provided him?

UGH! I feel for you...my prayers are with you.

Thanks SerendipiT-

Unfortunately I live in WI which is a very pro50/50 state. I have looked into the research you stated, but have been unable to find any.

I also hear what you are saying about the weekends, but I feel as though I am up against a wall and don't know what to do.

As for my XH he has always been self centered and doesn't care what the costs

Thanks for the support.

Take care and God bless!
K

Take care and God bless!
K

I have 1/3 / 2/3 split. Determined by a very smart psychologist. Everything is in 2 week increments, so X gets kids 5 days of 14 (35%/65%). Capital letters are Mom's days.
week 1: M t W H f s S Dad's weekend
week 2: M t w H F S S Mom's weekend
This means Dad gets every Tuesday, and I get every Monday, Thursday and Sunday nights (dad must bring home at 6 pm on sunday). This works well for me (but I can't ever go away on a weekend - he refuses to keep kids any longer). But there's a 5 day stretch where they never see their dad, while he only has them 2 days in a row.

It sounds like your X only has 2 days of 14 now, and wants 7 days, so you negotiate by moving one day at a time (ie. you go to 3 he drops to 6, then 4 & 5 and settle in between). You will appreciate the time when it's spread out.
So my proposal for you is one overnight during the week (either Tuesday or Wednesday) and every other weekend, either FSS or FS return on Sunday.
The set weekday helps the kids bond with dad and a midweek break from homework will be good for you. Let him to some of the heavy lifting. I think he lives close, doesn't he?

OK, next question?
And then if he balks, offer more time in the summer, don't volunteer it at first.

We are both allowed to take 4 weeks of vacation. X never took vaca before last year. So I take 3 weeks with the kids - spread out, and now he takes one.

Thanks newly-

Your plan actually would work for us. Right now he has them every other weekend and four hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We could easily lengthen his weekends and add an overnight weekend with little disruption. He works shift work so that adds to our problems, but it is something we have to deal with for now.

You are correct. He currently has the kids overnight for three to four nights a month. I openly agree that this isn't enough, but alas it is what he wanted. His shift work also plays into it as he isn't always available Friday or Sunday night and yes I am still unwilling to vacate my time so that the kids can spend time with the new wife while he works. I am open to giving him more time, but I think the disruptions to the kids lives with 50/50 would far outweigh the benefits. Furthermore, with his shift work 50/50 isn't even feasible although he won't let it sink into his thick head.

I also know for a fact that it is his wife that is pushing for him to spend more time. If he was on his own it would be a totally different story as he truly relishes his free time.

One more thing, although he hasn't mentioned it to me, he has now decided to try his hand at starting his own business. I guess he is hoping to launch it in the spring. Now all the horror stories I've heard of dealing with an X who is self employed may become yet another part of my nightmare.

Thanks for the response. I was hoping you'd chime in.

Take care and God bless!
K

And I have the self employed X too. I got him to agree to a "salary" which could be imputed to him., so he couldn't claim poverty. I also had 5 years of tax information to help me though. I know it will come up in the future. For now, you can't be concerned about it.

In mediation, I offered my X 6 days. He demanded 50/50, and we had to go to a psychological evaluation, which cost a great deal of mone and gave him only 5 days! His loss.

My girls are on vacation this week with dad. G & G made the plans (as X is incapable) so there are many adults watching over my angels. I spoke to them this morning and they are having fun. They both said "we want you to come down here" Yeah right. There's no place I'd rather not be.

Enjoy your time away from the kids, it's time to reenergize, and get all those little things done.

Thanks again newly-

The whole self employed thing is a dream my XH has had since we were married. The problem is that he is so impulsive and doesn't really think things through. He looks at what he has and thinks he'll work a business with it. He wants a magic fix, no hard work, time, or training.

So far we haven't exchanged any time tables, but that will change by the end of the week. I have some plans of my own, but at the Guardian's request I am waiting to see my XH's before I interject.

I talked to my attorney this morning and she said she has been in contact with the Guardian multiple times. She said she feels that the Guardian sees me as the primary parent who knows the most about the kids. She told me to wait to see what XH presents, but then to present my own. In her opinion she thinks if I present a feasible 30% offer the Guardian will take it.

I guess I am just down because I feel this is just another in a long line of examples of how unfair life can be. I know I have to suck it up and deal with it, but it gets to me none the less.

Thanks for the support.

Take care and God bless!
K

We all go through different things (or the same things) at different times. March 2003 was my custody crap/fight and it still stings. I thought "How could they give this incompetent custody?"
So I know how you feel. My X didn't start parenting til we split (and then only with Mommy's help).
My friends are amazed that he's been living by himself for the last 8 months and has managed his 1/3 time OK. They really thought he'd fall apart. The evaluator gave him the chance to request more custody 6 months after each of us was settled. He refuses even an hour more when offered. My friends doubt he will ask for more.
However, he couldn't even manage his 5 days without his gay roommate, and his mother who takes the kids to school everyday - couldn't expect dad to do this could you.

So your X may become a better father. Remember, he's still putting on a show for OW/wife. He wants her to believe he was/is a great father. What I'm saying is that my X couldn't grow as a father while we were together, and likely yours couldnt' either. This is his chance. He may blow it, or surprise you. I was still hoping X would blow it, but I do enjoy a few free days now and then.

newly-

Once again you have hit the nail on the head. I guess I have to wonder how far he will go and if it will ever be enough. I have told you many times that he is a much better father now than he was when we were married, but as you know it's still not what I would want him to be. Then there is the whole fact that this is seemingly driven by the OWwife. On his own I doubt my XH would fight for much change if any, so it really burns me to know that she is driving this.

I have to admit that the rational side of me wants him to stay sober and become a better person and father, but then there is the hurt and betrayed part of me that seems to hang on to the thought that this is all just an act and he will eventually fall on his face. I know I need to get over that, but it is very difficult. Knowing he feels no remorse for his actions and is still willing to lie to achieve his goals is just salt in the wounds.

I am working on some schedules and will run them by you when I get them finalized.

Thanks again.

Take care and God bless!
K

newly and anybody else who can help-

I am struggling to come up with a schedule that works. My XH works shift work so he really only able to keep the kids overnight every third week. With this in mind even though I want to propose one overnight that week I know he will want more days. The problem is that he is talking of starting a new business in which he would work only days which would make him available for overnights every week. So do I come up with a schedule for now or do I try to come up with something that can stick should he switch jobs? If he does switch jobs I know he will argue for 50/50, but my point is that it's not just his shift work that has me fighting 50/50, it's him in general.

Suggestions?

Take care and God bless!
K

I say, toss out your best offer and let X explain to the GAL about his shift work. It's not up to you to work around this.
Consistency is important for the kids and if X wants more custody, than it must be in a consistent fashion. Put on paper your first offer, and also know your final offer (my guess is that is 5 days/2 weeks).
Again, stress the importance of consistency in the kids lives, and that you, of course, want their father involved in their lives for their sake.
Also stress your concern to the GAL that you want the children to have time with their father, and if he isn't available (ie. on his shift) then you would have the right of first refusal (even over his new wife).
Let him defend or explain his shift work.
I have tons of Excel versions of the schedules. I came into mediation with many, while X came in with ideas and nothing concrete.
Some things are not your problem.

Still Reeling:

Speaking from the perspective of a father, that may have an ax to grind , I have a number of question, I’ll ask this one first. Why do you think that you should be able to dictate to your XH how much time he can spend with HIS kids? I see this attitude constantly here. . . that somehow women, by default, are the better parent, and it drives me crazy. I spend more time with my children than my wife, I do the shopping and I cook the meals. I bathe them and put them to bed. When they are sick or scared they call for me. If I was to divorce I would spend my last dime fighting for equal access to my children. If your husband wants 50/50 split and the court decides that that is proper, why do you think that you should be able to restrict his access? Is this a money thing? A control thing? Some type of punishment for his past (vile . . . my opinion here) behavior? I know he hurt you and you don’t approve of him and his choices. He is the kid’s father. What disturbs me is being a father really doesn’t mean much to the court system . . . except for a revenue tapping source. I think that the role a father plays in kid’s lives is grossly overlooked by the court.

It seems to me that there are so many Dads that abandon their kids after a divorce . . . choosing to spend no time with them at all. Don’t you think that your kids deserve to have an equitable, at lest time wise, relationship with their Dad?

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Thanks newly. The Guardian is well aware of shift work and just like the mediator before him has explained to my XH that the time my XH wants must be for him, not for his new wife and that he must fight for only time when he is not working and can be there. That in itself lends problems to consistency as I feel it isn't very stable to have the kids subjected to a schedule which includes overnights every three weeks. It disrupts their normal routines, but of course my XH balks at this.

I am working now at establishing my best and worst case scenarios and putting them on paper.

Thanks for the input.

Take care and God bless!
K

Comfortably Numb-

I was just rereading this and saw your post or I would have responded earlier. You raise some valid points and I am not sure how much of my story you know so I'll assume you're not that familiar.

Why do I think I should have some control over the time my XH has with my kids? Probably since I always have had them and done almost everything for them during marriage, separation, and the first couple of years of divorce.

You see we currently have a 85/15 split, which my own admission is nuts, but the point is it is what he wanted. You talk about those fathers who couldn't care less about their kids and are only out for themselves, that was him. He actually had to pretty much be forced into the visitation he currently has. Now has remarried and boom he wants the kids 50/50 knowing full well that his work schedule won't accomdate it to boot, and to that I am saying no way.

I have offered many times to go 70/30 or 65/35, see how the kids adjust to it, and go from there, but he will hear nothing of it. It is all or nothing for him. Furthermore, the courts have not been in favor of 50/50 due to his issues with alcoholism, his court record due to them, his work schedule, and past parenting practices, but he doesn't listen to them either. As for a bias towards mothers, I live in WI and they are totally pro 50/50 here. I would have to say that the majority of the people I know around here do end up with 50/50 so the fact that they aren't pushing 50/50 in our case speaks volumes to me as well.

Do I have an ax to grind with my XH? Yes I do. His affair and subsequent abandonment of his family were simply the icing on the cake in a marriage where he, his drinking, and abuse, have left deep wounds and I am trying to deal with that.

That leads to my next point. He still denies his actions and he still lies through his teeth. He wants me to believe he has changed and is a different better person than when we were married, yet the only difference in his character that I see is that he currently isn't drinking. I don't know, if he really had changed and really had accepted what he's done wouldn't there be some remorse? I have read up on AA and Al-Anon quite extensively and he follows none of their advice. So many things he does are just lip service, his actions rarely follow through. With his track record if we were talking about anything else be it employment, driving, etc. he would have to prove himself. Why should parenting be any different?

If he was the involved loving father he says he aspires to be I would have a much easier time with this, but since past practice has proven him not to be don't you think it is only fair that he should have to prove himself? I am sorry, but we are talking about my children's stabililty and well being here. I feel it is my obligation to protect them. I am willing to take a leap of faith and give him the chance to prove himself and increase his time substantially within the limits of his job. Why isn't that good enough?

I really hope you will respond because I really do appreciate a father's perspective on this.

As for your own battles I wish you the best of luck. If my XH was half the father that you and the father's I've seen on this board are we wouldn't be in this boat to start with.

Thanks for the input. Keep it coming.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi everyone-

Earlier tonight my XH handed me his proposal for time with the kids. As expected it is 50/50 and ignores specific directions of the Guardian. More specifically he asks for time during his week in which he works overnights. On this shift he generally lays down to take a nap before work by 7:00. He then goes to work at 10:30 and gets home around 7:15 in the morning. This means that he would be sleeping while they were there, gone when they were sleeping, and returning home just in time for them to leave for school. He has already been told this won't work. He has also requested to add a night which is our church night which he has no intention of bringing the kids to so that is out too.

I was hoping to have to do less work to meet in the middle, but I am sending back an equally unequitable in his book, although better than present, counter proposal tomorrow. I am willing to give more, but I am not offering it right away as I know he will push for as much as he can get. Hopefully we will be able to meet somewhere in the middle.

Any suggestions?

Take care and God bless!
K

I just want to clarify that when I said I am sending an equally unequitable counter proposal I mean in his eyes. I feel it is fair and sticks to the guidelines given us, yet is doesn't go as far as I am willing as I know my XH will refuse whatever I give him and therefore I feel I can't give everything at once.

Input is appreciated.

Take care and God bless!
K