My ex wife and I were together for 6 1/2 years and she filed for divorce. Our relationship became stale as we both worked alot. I did not meet her EN's. We grew apart and I did not show her the love I truly do have for her. We have now been apart 2 years...divorced for one. Yesterday was her birthday and in 2 days will be our anniversary...which is hard to take. We have a 4 year old daughter together. We live 1.5 hours away. We meet every other week to exchange our daughter. We dont talk much as she is still bitter. I know she had a boyfriend for about a year, but as far as I know....that is now over. My daugher said "mommy said she is going to give boyfriends a break for now". That little girl hears everything (very smart). I know Sophie wants mom and dad living together and I have talked to her explaining why we can't. I still love her mother very much. I have dated alot "thinking" that if I do someone will come along and I wont think of my ex anymore, but it doesnt work. They wonder why I am distant and dont "want them" physically or emotionally.

Is there a way to build a bridge with an ex? Is there a way for the feelings she once had for me to return? I am a very good father and pay my support on time every month. I am a good provider with a lot going for me. I have many opportunities to date. I know my ex finds me physically attractive, but last few months of marriage we fought more....for stupid reasons.
I am a changed person. Not stresses from over work (sold my business and now work regular position).

Any advice would be appreciated especially anyone who has actually achieved this...or women who are or have been in this position.

Is there a way to build a bridge with an ex? Is there a way for the feelings she once had for me to return?
Is she giving you any reason to think she would want to reconcile?

No, she isn't. I am wondering if there is a way to reach a point where she might want to and how does it happen? Is there a way I can do this or am I just dreaming. I know she doesn't want to be single and she has been burned by a man now. Her #1 EN is affection. I realized this after we parted ways. I have that affection for her...if given opportunity to show her.Is there anything I can do now to become part of her life so maybe "re-spark" this?

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

AA:

All things are possible my friend. Before you start though, ask your self why you considering reconciling. The best scenario for a family is for the parents of a child to be 1). together 2). happy and 3). IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER (according to Steve Harley). Can you and your ex get there? Can you and she love each other as the new pepole you've become? Are you willing to do the work needed to rebuild trust and re-romance her? If so, then brother, do you have a journey ahead of you...

First, do a search on this board for "reconciling" or "remarriage" there are some good threads there. Second go to the bookstore and get some books on the subject. The Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" is a great start. Next you need to be about the business of meeting her emotional needs. This means as much contact as you can at a nonthreatening pace. Check out the MB site for info on Plan A. Follow its dictates, ask the Harleys and MB vets here for help and ideas.

Most importantly, pray. Pray that the course you are pursuing is indeed the right one. Pray for strength, pray for love. You actually are in a good position. Time has passed to lessen the emotions some and your M didn't have the complication of infidelity in it. That's a much tougher obstacle to overcome.

My wife just divorced me b/c of an affair, so I can't be the success story you need to hear (yet!) . But I can tell you that my brother returned to his ex wife (who he left fo an OW) after 4.5 years. If you love her, try. It's your life and your call. I wish you and your family well

Alan,

Yes, people DO reconcile after divorce. I devoutly believe that all things are indeed possible with God.

I would like to suggest that you go and visit two wonderful sites: Restore Ministries and Rejoice Ministries.


http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

This is a marriage restoration ministry devoted to helping people learn how to restore their marriages.

Despite what the world at large says -- ONE person CAN work to restore the marriage.

Erin Thiele's ministry is bible and scriptural based. And, she is living proof it works. Her husband Dan was in adultery and divorced her. BUT Erin trusted that God could and would restore their marriage and He did.

This is off their site:


There is Hope for the Hopeless Marriage


“What does a woman do when her husband announces "I'm leaving you" "I never loved you" "I have found someone else!"? Many fall apart and too many seek revenge. Others find someone new "just to show him!" Why are so many men walking away from their wives and families?


When a man decides that it is time to call it quits, what can a wife do? What if she's not interested in financial support, possessions, or property? What if the only thing that wife wants is for her marriage and family to stay intact? What is she to do? Erin Thiele, founder of Restore Ministries, found herself in this very situation back in 1989.


Erin's husband, Dan, had left her for another woman. In her desperation she searched for help. All the "experts" and numerous pastors from many denominations tried to convince her that her marriage was hopeless - then she found the Might Counselor and His Word. She saw clearly that God said that "Nothing was impossible with Him" not her marriage and not Dan's desire to leave her.


Through her intense study in God's Word, the Bible, she found hundreds of promises that increased her faith in the Lord to restore her marriage. At this point she told Him, "If you do this for me [restore my marriage] then I will spend my life telling the world that nothing, NOT ONE THING, is impossible with You."


God was faithful and restored Erin's marriage to Dan after a two-year journey that took her through the "valley of the shadow of death" Dan's divorcing her. As Erin says, "God means for us to go through the 'valley' not live in it!"


Erin's testimony, and the testimonies of all the restored marriages posted on this website or printed in their testimony book By the Word of Their Testimony, proves that God is more than able to restore any marriage, even yours!”

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Marriage restoration is not for the faint-hearted. And, you cannot be double-minded about the journey. It means seriously committing yourself and your lifestyle to this. You cannot be dating other women. It is a firm stand and trust in God that He can and He will restore your marriage.

She has many many fabulous resources available that teach you God’s principles for marriage restoration. But the way is narrow. It really is not something most people are willing to follow.

But if you’re interested in pursuing this go peruse the site and see if God is leading you to this.

Another excellent marriage restoration site is Rejoice Ministries. It is led by the Steinkamps. Bob was in adultery and divorced Charlyne and she also chose to stand firm for her marriage. And, she and Bob are also remarried.

http://www.rejoiceministries.org/


This is off their site:


A Standers Affirmation

“I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!


I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!


In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.


I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.


I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.”

Welcome. The others have written excellent posts. Now my 2 cents.

If you want to work to restore your marriage, you are geographically undesirable. My plan for you would be:
1. Quit your job, give up your apt. or house, and get ajob near your wife and daughter's residence. Any job. Rent a place. Clean and safe, bare minimum. Close to where wife lives.
2. Do a Plan A. Do it without expectations of restoring your marriage. Work on being affectionate and attentive to your wife. Don't expect miracles, and don't set a time limit.

3. Make no demands.

Even if you have to earn less money, you'll be around your daughter and that should be number one in your life. When your wife sees your commitment to the child you have together, you may turn her heart around.

Eventually, if you and your wife become closer, and talk of reconciling comes up, there is a program called Retrovaille that has rebuilt marriages on the brink of divorce. But first you need to just take the leap of faith and be living and working close to your family and showing your commitment. And doing that with no promise of reconciling from your wife. Just giving, pouring out love.

Not romantic love, just true giving love.

Hi,

I believe the relationship can, quite easily, be restored. Key words would be "Start Over".

Definitely move closer, increase positive interaction possibility, resist the urge to get back on the "negative feedback loop".

Don't fight about anything. Don't try to "straighten out" your partner. Just be yourself. Don't try to "pay back" the partner for anything - don't try to "teach her a lesson"...

Don't passively, or aggressively, fight.

Let go of the old conflicts...and all conflicts. Just be and let it pass.

If not fed, with your passive or aggressive action, the conflicts will fade with time... and the love between you will have space and time to reconnect.

Let go of every grudge - every judgment - every hurt - every pain.

Love is made strong by making a DECISION to love.

It is weakened, and lost, by vacillation.

So don't "hedge your bets".

Make a DECISION to love the XW... and to rebuild and restore the relationship.

And refuse the temptatoin to waver or vacillate.

Make the decision... and stand firm.

Stay strong!

Look your fears squarely in the eye... and don't flinch. Be calm, quiet, and resolved to regain...

Don't flinch. Don't vacillate.

And take action!

Yes, absolutely, move back to the town where your XW is.

You will recover all.

Laura

Hi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Check this link My favorite FWW. Follow all of her threads from her first thread, you would see how much hope she had and even up to the last minute.

Are you up to it ?
1. Plan A 'till she is remarried.
2. Stay away from dating for you.
3. Call Jennifer or Cerri (MB Counseling).

-rh-

Yes it can and does happen all the time work hard and don't give up!!!

You might check on books or other materials by Joe Beam. I think he has an organization named Family Dynamics. Should have a web site.

He and his wife were divorced and, later, remarried.