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#77698 06/02/02 09:58 AM
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I have noticed that there are more than a few cops and their spouses here. <p>I am married to a cop, and I think that the part of his personality that makes him so good at law enforcement is a HUGE barrier to his ability to relate to me as his wife.<p>Law enforcement and the buddies that go along with it are his life. I am just a wife, and therefore disposable.<p>If you are a cop, married to a cop, retired L.E. etc. I would be interested to read your input.<p>Bachelor's Wife

#77699 06/02/02 10:17 AM
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My husband is a cop. I ofter find myself reminding him that I am not a criminal. The mind set that he needs at work comes home with him every day- the sarcasm, 'secretive' behavoir, and interrogating style of speech drive me nuts. I deserve to be treated better than the common criminal. The need to remain emotionally closed while on the job has affected his ability to be open and honest here at home. We're at a croo roads. He will be making a decision soon whether to remain in active law enforcement, or work for a 911 center. I know which I prefer, but that's not where he's leaning. Career fulfillment is extremely important to a man, I know. But I really have a hard time dealing with the cop attitude. I know how you feel.

#77700 06/02/02 10:53 AM
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lorenaK,<p>Thank you so much for responding! I see that this is your first post here. I am new here too. <p>I read the discussion boards for quite awhile before I wrote anything, and now it seems that I just can't keep my big mouth shut!<p>It is a good thing that your hubby would even pretend to consider a career shift in order to save your marraige, but my concern with this is: Why does it have to be that way?<p>Why does it have to be a choice between job or family?<p>I am, and have always been interested and supportive of his career. He sees me as housekeeper,nanny, and sex object, in that order. If the hired help dosen't work out, fire them and get another. Dime a dozen!<p>He would risk his life in a heartbeat for the job, but he wouldn't p!!! on me if I was on fire.<p>I guess I am just really angry about this buddy system that they have. It overrides any commitment to God, family or community.<p>I wasn't always this hostile. I beleived that in time, we could strike a balance.<p>It is good to have another person to talk to who understands.<p>I am sorry that you are hurting, too.<p>Post again, if you feel like venting!<p>Thanks for listening!<p>BW

#77701 06/02/02 05:06 PM
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I'm not married to a cop - nor am I a cop --- my daughter is training to become a cop.<p>The mindset is there - but I believe that in general it is the stress, paranoia, self-reliance, 'buddyship' of the job that makes it difficult for others to relate to cops (from any level of service).<p>THere is a place for the kind of authority that police officers are required to project. It isn't in my home by my 16 year old daughter. I'm finding that I have to be stronger, more confident, more dedicated to getting what I want from her - than with the other kids (even though the others are younger - this has always been the case). She is extremely authoritative - capable and confident. She is the stronger personality of the two of us.<p>I jsut have to remind her that I am mom... I have a feeling her H will have to find a way to remind her that he is her EQUAL - not in some way 'less than her'... Her boyfriend does that very well now - without being pushy or demanding. I like his style - but he does treat her with respect.<p>Hope this is helpful.<p>Blessings<p>Jan

#77702 06/02/02 05:31 PM
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HI bachelor's wife,<p>I want to let you know that I picked up your message on the Emotional Needs Forum. I have never been to any of the other Forums before this one. You could say that I have been very narrow minded or is that very focused? Depends on your perspective. Oh, well. <p>I have seen some of the finest law enforcement officers loose their families not because they were bad people, but because the responsibilities of their chosen field of work would not allow them to be open to communications with their spouses, both male and female. Law enforcement officers have the second highest divorce rate in this country. Why it is not the first, I'll never understand. <p>I retired from law enforcement after 21 years for health reasons. Simply put, I wanted to stay alive. I have been beaten, poisened, stabbed, and shot by the very co-workers that I would lay my life down for. Among other assignments, which have taken me all over the world, I investigated other officers. Other departments called me in because I was not known there. Other countries called me in because if I "accidentally" broke a rule or minor law, it could be claimed that I was just ignorant of their local policing requirements. I made quite a few enimies along the way along with a few very good friends. <p>I spend most of my time now trying to be the best husband I can be and a great father for my children. It is not easy to set aside the world of law enforcement and live in the "normal" world. Police officers must be secretive by the very nature of their job. Example, one of our neighbors stopped talking to us and I could not tell my wife that the reason is he was embarresed that I had been required to arrest him for drunk driving. My wife still does not know what happened. I am not allowed to tell. This type of "secretiveness" spills over into your off duty hours in a big way. Soon, the only people that you feel free to talk to are other cops. Another example, I worked assisting the Secret Service on a Presidential visit to our area. I am prohibited from discussing any of the details for obvious reasons. <p>Enough for now, tell us more about yourself.<p>Good luck and God bless
RC

#77703 06/02/02 05:43 PM
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My strength angers my husband.<p>We would get along great if I had the personality of a victim...I don't.<p>There-in lies the problem.<p>Best wishes to you and your daughter!
(To daughter: You Go Girl!)<p>BW

#77704 06/02/02 05:49 PM
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Retired Cop,<p>Thanks so much for your resopnse!<p>I would like to write more, but gotta feed the kids etc..<p>Please don't be a stranger, I could benifit from your wisdom.<p>Later...<p>BW

#77705 06/02/02 06:57 PM
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My husband is not a cop, but he has a job in the military that is pretty much the same on a larger scale. He works undercover a lot. In fact, I can't really disclose what he does--you know the deal. I myself don't really know what he does from day to day, and I have to accept that with no questions asked. He will come home all grouchy and, when I ask him what's up, he'll say "I can't talk about it." Ok, then, I have to say.<p>He has a gift and training for stealth and evasiveness that makes him excellent at his profession. He knows how to see through lies and expose the criminal mind. He knows the right questions to ask and how to ask them.<p>Now that he has violated my trust, how in the world can I accept that this is his "job" without thinking the absolute worst? He travels all over the world, talking to people. Talking to low-lifes and scumbags and busting through their conspiracies and operations. It's his "job." I am supposed to trust him and ask no questions.<p>The bigger problem is, how can a man who is so intelligent have screwed up like he did? <p>Me, I was trained in criminology, and I had a similiar job when I myself was in the military. And, though I might look it, I am no dummy. I don't trust, and I, too, can interpret lies. And I have well-developed training for investigation that my husband called "snooping" into his personal life, now that I have given up my career (to save our marriage) and am no longer a professional.<p>It usually seems that my husband would like for me to be a housekeeper, nanny and, when he desires, a "sex-thang," and that is pretty much what I have become in order to save my marriage. (Feels like it, anyway.) But I am pretty sure that he also knows that I won't take his crap and he won't burn me again because I will catch him. Like someone else said, my strength threatens my husband a lot. He came right out one day and told me "I am totally scared to death of you!" When he said that, I laughed out loud. I am five-foot-two, baby-faced, and I rarely make a peep. I have given him no reason to be scared of me--except that I have easily busted through all of his covert operations and caught him at his foolishness. Right there, he SHOULD be scared of me. He can't mess around without me knowing about it, and that's a threat to him.

#77706 06/02/02 09:17 PM
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Bernzini,<p>You leave me temporarily speechless. <p>Wish my hubby were here to see it... he would never believe it!<p>Love to hear from you again!<p>BW

#77707 06/02/02 10:42 PM
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Oh, so you've all been "interrogated" too? Do you all find yourself having to defend your every action like you are a criminal?<p>Just this morning, my little son took his time eating his breakfast, the bus was coming and he still hadn't eaten. I was in a sunny mood this morning, I said "Sweetie, just go ahead and eat, I will drive you to school this morning."<p>Kid was happy, I was happy, the whole morning was happy until hubby walked in after doing his morning PT. (#1 priority, of course. The world will stop turning if my husband doesn't get his gym time.) I was in the bedroom getting dressed, hubby saw my kid eating breakfast and watching RocketPower. He says "Hey! Why aren't you on the bus?!" He yells to me "Why isn't he on the bus?" I said "Well, he wasn't done with breakfast, I thought I would just drive him to school." <p>He says: "You sure about that? Are you just saying that because you weren't aware that the bus is leaving right now and you're covering your butt?"<p>I said "You see me getting dressed so that I can take him to school?"<p>He says "Well, OK. Make sure he brushes his teeth and combs his hair before he goes." <p>(Yeah, thanx for reminding me [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>You see?!!!! Even the smallest things!! It makes me feel like a freakin criminal! Or, at the very least, like I am totally stupid (but not so stupid that I forget to service his car, pick up his dry-cleaning, and keep track of everything he owns because he can't or won't!)<p>Ok, enough belly-aching about my husband. See, the way I just described him, he sounds like a total jerk. But to his fellow officers, he is a god. The whole world loves him--he is capable of anything. His reports have crossed the desk in the Oval Office. His subordinates find him a fair and fearless leader. How could you not worship such an outstanding fellow? Like you said, I think that he would lay his life down for one of his comrads in a heart-beat. But if I politely mention that he has spent the entire day on the computer and hasn't said five words to me, he becomes angry and all the sudden, I am a nagging, inadequate woman. What's up with that?<p>I can live with the "I can't talk about that" thing. I can live with him working the late nights. (never home before 1930--I mean, 7:30 PM.) In fact, I kind of enjoy having the extra time where I am not following him around picking stuff up. I can live with the "on-call, 24/7" thing. I understand all this, I am cool with it. That's what he needs to do for a job, and I am happy that he enjoys his job and does it well. That makes me happy as well. I love it.<p>But what about the 10 or 20 minutes a day that he DOES get to spend with me? Why can't they be a quality 10-20 minutes, that's all I ask! He'll be all like "There is a civil war developing in (such-and-such little pothole country), the evil warlords have taken over such-and-such and there's terrorists planning such-and-such and you want to have sex right now?!!!!!!!" (Well. . .yeah. . .I do.)<p>And how about the interrogation thing!! I hate it--I am getting to think that my husband is trying to catch me in some scheming plan of treachory in every small aspect of life. Please! Like every person on the face of the earth has some evil motive behind their activities. . .well, sorry to admit it, dear husband, but I don't. . .I am just trying to be a good wife and get stuff done the right way. I am not smoking crack or selling secrets or anything.<p>Sigh! I am sorry, I just took over your thread to b**ch. I guess this has been an especially grouchy week for me because my husband is totally blowing me off. "Something he can't talk about" is going on right now, so he is ignoring me--totally.

#77708 06/03/02 06:46 AM
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Bernzini,<p>Just wanted to say Hi, or is that Howdy? Anyway, after reading your posts, I thought you might benefit from some of Harley's info' (and maybe a tad bit of my experience?). Harley's main focus is the Policy Of Joint Agreement (POJA) as I am sure you already know. The POJA needs to be applied to go to the next step and that is the one of eliminating Love Busters (LB). It would appear to me (a total stranger, but one well experienced, as you are also, in the functioning of the investigator) that your husband was suprised to find your son still eating rather than on the bus. He immediately went into the interrogative mode (which is a BIG LB) by asking "Are you sure about this..." rather than the investigative mode, which would have been for him to keep his mouth shut and just observe what you were doing and then he could draw his own conclusions. This takes practice, but even before that, it takes recognition. This is where the LB book comes in handy. It allows you to identify LBs and to do so without being itself a LB. <p>So, if you do not already have Dr. Harley's books, my first recommendation is to get them, either from the library or buy them. They can be purchased from most bookstores, or even on line which is the most convenient way, but then you wait a few days for delivery. Get dear hubby to buy into the POJA idea. If applied fairly and with good intent, it does work. Then get him to recognize the LBs that he is using (you might even see one or two that you are using, but of course I doubt that)! LBs cannot be eliminated until they are recognized. <p>Please keep us posted.<p>Good luck and God bless
RC

#77709 06/03/02 08:45 AM
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Hi Everyone,<p>This is my first post, though I've been lurking these boards for a month or so now. <p>This topic interested me enough to make my first post. I am male, my fiancée, is female, and a retired NYPD police lieutenant. She moved across two states to be with me.<p>Like many of you, I am finding her emotional unavailability to be becoming a strain on our relationship. I am very emotional by nature, I tend to analyze, obsess, and then want to discuss problems. She does not. I do my best to understand her and meet her needs. Unfortunately, most often, her need is to simply be left alone. <p>She feels that I am too emotional, and that if I can only "back off" a bit, things will be fine. However, that doesn't work so well for me. I understand that her 20 years on the force have greatly influenced who she is, as a matter of fact, who she is, is why I fell in love with her, and why I am still so deeply in love with her. There is no one in the world I would rather be with. I'm not sure however, that she still feels that way towards me. But its hard for me to be sure, since she won't talk about our relationship, or lack of, because she feels that I can't talk about it without becoming emotional. I don't know, but if you can't open your emotions to talk to the one you supposedly love, about things that may be bothering them, when can you open them? The only time I've ever seen her cry is when one of our pets died. <p>Things have been really stressful since she's moved here, I understand that, and don't pressure her at all. I have no expectations of her, and try my best to be the man I think she wants me to be. OF course as far as asking her to fill out an emotional needs questionnaire...forget it. I've learned from past conversations that to her, anything that smacks of psychology, or delving into ones feelings, is nothing but gobbldy [censored]. So I try my best to figure out her needs, but I may be missing the mark. She has told me she very seldom obsesses over her feelings, she makes a decision, acts on it, then forgets about it. God I wish I could be more like her in that regard..<p>I feel myself beginning to draw away from her. The lack of affection, SF, and deep conversation is beginning to take its toll. She never reaches out to touch me, never says I love you unless I do. If I didn’t kiss her, or touch her, I don’t think we’d do either. Yet, she seems to think things just fine.<p> We've just contracted to buy a new house, our names both are on the mortgage. I assume, rightly I hope, that she still loves me or why else would she want to do that with me? Why would she stay? She certainly doesn't need me for financial support! She makes more than me on retirement! <p>Anyway, This was longer and more rambling (and most likely incoherant) than I had planned on it being.<p> I'll post my full story some time later. As I said, things have been very stressful since she's arrived (and she doesn’t like this state either) and I feel badly at times for it. I just wanted to say hello, and say that I understand the difficulties all of you who are married to police officer have. They are wonderful people, but at times very difficult to deal with. Still, I'd rather be with no one else in the entire world, I love her so much.<p>OCL

#77710 06/03/02 08:45 AM
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Bachelor's Wife:<p>Just thought I would put my imput here. My H is a cop. He has never treated me like I am inferior to him, although we have our problems in other areas. <p>
  • Married 13 year
    2 D's (10 & 8)
    H had EA with Co-worker
    D-day 9/00
    In recovery

#77711 06/03/02 12:10 PM
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My personal....
Married 2 1/2 years
son age 2
12 weeks pregnant
H had an initially pysical, then continued emotional affair with law enforcement student.
Found out about EA in march ( then got pregnant while we were trying to make things right)
Found out about the pysical part (Jan-Feb) last week.
I am feeling completely devalued and defeated.
He earnestly and sincerely wants to reconcile.
I am consumed by the lies, images of them, and fear of the future.
I believe his occupation had a lot to do with the ease in lying and hiding the facts. And the buddy thing that cops have ultimately drew him to this other person. Then things just happend.
He seems extremely remorseful. I'm just stuck in the "I can't believe you did this to me."
We have several Harley books, and have read "Surviving an Affair" together, already. ANd the emotional needs survey revealed that we have the same top 6 needs, and ranked them in the same order. (how weird is that?) I've worked hard to meet his needs in the 5 years we've been a couple.I feel that perhaps I've given too much, and made it too easy for him. He has done little to meet any of my top 6 needs. He meets 8, 9, and 10- pysical attractiveness, domestic support, and financial.
He's working both jobs now- full time law enforcement, and part time (56 hrs every other week) at the 911 center. He's home so little, but our mortgage dictates that this continues until we sell some land. (s/b by this fall) The cop job is in the same town where the 'other woman' lives. He's worked two nights since I found out anout the physical part of the relationship. He vows not to see her. But it drives me insane, wondering.....
Prayer, burying myself in God's word, distraction...nothing helps. I'm stuck in a really icky place.

#77712 06/03/02 03:20 PM
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Thank you all for your responses!<p>I just popped in to check how this thread is progressing. I believe that it is very important for those of us who share this common bond to be able to share and offer support!<p>RC,
It would be such a blessing if my H were willing to learn about MB concepts, but the reality is that he would laugh in my face on a good day, or roll his eyes and stalk off angry on a typical day.(That is, if he were even paying enough attention to my words to realize what I'm talking about.)<p>Seems that I am not alone .<p>Gotta go tend the kiddos!<p>Please keep posting. I didn't start this thread to hear myself talk!<p>Thanks
BW


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