Hi. I have seen some great posts on this board. Can somebody please help with some advice?<p>I am 32 and have been in a relationship for a year and a half with a woman aged 28 which is very important to me. After having several girlfriends and even a wife (no kids) I can say this is the first time I found someone I really loved and committed myself to the relationship. I completely trust and admire her, I would like to marry her and have kids.<p>But things have been difficult for us. I have been afraid of commitment, afraid of getting into a relationship and suffering it's end. I guess this probably comes from my family history, my parents both divorced and remarried several times. We have both witnessed our parents having a bad time with their relationships, so we seem to be always looking for the perfect person.<p>Last year, at this same time of year, we were somewhat distanced and depressed and I got very insecure and cheated on her with an ex girlfriend and coworker. She found out. It was awful, we broke up for a month and I undertook therapy, which was a great thing to do for me. It was also great for me to read articles from the marriagebuilders site. She was and continues to be in therapy, and she is a therapist herself. <p>When we got back together, we started having a very dependant (codependent?) relationship, and it seems we not able to totally rebuild trust. In the last few months we traveled and practically lived together and had nice times but we also got into criticism wars often and we could stubbornly disagree and get angry about the most stupid things. Love busters. I tried really hard to please her, maybe too hard, I think. I neglected my job and got laid off, left the city to come live near her and actually lived at her place in a practical sense. I believe she may suffer from a certain degree of BPD or HPD. I was definitely walking on eggshells. She felt very insecure about me and I was often afraid she would leave me, I felt as if she was always keeping me on the edge, to see if I was perfect enough, loving enough, secure enough, etc. Of course that did not help me feel more secure. <p>In the last month she found a job and I criticized her for not committing more to our relationship and spending too much time working. She was always talking about how cool the job was and how she enjoyed working with her boss, but she worked many many hours (more than 10 a day sometimes) and was really very tired, and she neglected stuff that I know is dear to her. This guy seemed to value her professionally and offered her lots of money not too leave.<p>Because of her job and my activities, we were not seeing each other much. I a way the situation was similar to when I cheated on her exactly 1 year ago. I think perhaps she unconsciously (or consciously) feared I will cheat on her again.<p>Two week ago she broke up with me, at first she said it had nothing to with her boss but a few days later she admitted that she had strong feelings for the guy. Just a week after breaking up with me, they were already spending nights together and petting at her house, but I do not know if the have had sex yet. In any case, I am devastated. <p>I am currently unemployed and living at my mother's and this guy is older and very successful. Sometimes me and her had a hard time getting along lately but whenever we would try to take time to breathe or even break up we ended getting back together again like nothing had happened, but there was nobody else. Now it is different. She seems really into this guy, she says she doesn't really miss me and I feel that something is very wrong. She has not been able to tell me what it is that she needs so much and that I cannot provide.<p>The guy has been divorced for a year and has two daughters which her cares very much about, he is a great dad and that I guess is very important to her. He is a safe bet where I am not, and she may be feeling that it is time to make a decision for the sake of convention, having kids and all that stuff. <p>I really love her and miss her very much. I am worried about her, I think she is making a big mistake. I believe she is in a very vulnerable moment and her boss might be using her. I could really use some advice. I have this wild hope that it is about getting even and that she will come back to me in a while, when the initial thrill wears off and she starts missing me. I feel that my life is empty without her in it. Any advice? Thank You.<p>Sincerely,<p>--
Ignacio

Ignacio,<p>It's hard to say what I think you should do. First of all, welcome and sorry to hear your pain.<p>Okay, I believe she feels you may cheat on her again. She's insecure and it does take awhile to get over. Sounds to me like she was having an emotional affair with her boss before she left and they started sleep overs soon after. She probably confided in him, and he was there to listen, resulting in her emotional attachment. Then she would work more hours just to be close to him. He may be using her.<p>My advice to you is to continue being her friend. Don't talk about a relationship with her now, but wait, she may come home after realizing this guy isn't for her. I'm sure she misses you, but is caught between the two of you. So she prefers him, but later on may very well realize her mistake in leaving you.<p>If she lets you know she misses you, ask her to take the emotional needs questionaire from this board, then maybe you both can talk about it and your problems.<p>Sorry I could not tell you more, and prayerfully others from this board can give better advice. Just be there for her, but don't put your life on hold. God Bless.

Thank You arnez. I really have no clue as to whether she misses me. Si s did say it has "been difficult". It's amazing how she has this capability of walking away with somebody else and replacing one person with another. I thought only us men could do that, and when I did it, I still had a lot of feelings for the ex-person and it was not really a fast transition. But my GF she just switched in one week and it is as if I never existed. When I have communicated with her, it is if 6 months had passed or someting like that. Very strange. Any comments girls?

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