Somebody’s post made me think about this today. Now I ain’t to good ‘bout puttin’ my thoughts into fluid words but bear with me.

When I found out about my wife wanting a divorce and then began to discover her secret life, I swear to goodness ½ of my brain went into hiding. It was the ½ of my brain that contained all the negatives in our relationship so I could only see and yearn for all the positives. Not only that all the positives were magnified 10x. Thus sending me on a quest to save the mythical marriage I never had. And like so many of you fine folks; I fought tooth and nail trying not to loose a relationship that in reality never should have been found.

Now with the advantage of time I’m able to “play the tape all the way through”. Because I do think that sometimes when we are thrust into these situations we go into a state of fog that temporarily re-writes history. We see all the good. We quest to save. Then at some point it we become so focused on the quest that we truly forget about the marriage. We only play the portion of the tape that makes us feel good, when in reality if we play the tape all the way through to the end we’ll see the entire picture. We’ll see the bad times and have the ability to put them in perspective with the good. When all is said and done will you be chasing a dream and what happens if you catch it?

LH,
The way you started out on this one makes me think you must be up to something. Haven't figured out what, but you're up to something.
Remembering the things in my marriage that I was unhappy with before the feces hit the oscillator makes moving on easier for me. I had been wondering for some time how we were going to hold things together once the kids were gone. The Dv was inevitable. The means and timeline is what shook me. Took awhile to realize that.

Hmmm. I have the opposite affliction. I can remember no good times at all.

And I'm assuming that somewhere between June 1992 when we began dating and December 2000 when we separated, that there must have been ... we got married and had two kids, after all ...

I don't miss a single thing about him.

LH:

I think it's important to realize that nobody has a "perfect" M! Even those who are not facing D and A's will reflect on their good times to help them continue in the M. If you were to ask yourself; "Did I tend to focus on the positives of our M while we were together", what would your answer be? While we must be cognizant of the negatives in order to improve our M; it is the positive memories that will sustain us over the long haul.

So the answer to your question: When all is said and done will you be chasing a dream and what happens if you catch it? Don't worry about it! If you catch it; use the resources available on here and MB site and make your M better! If your M is over, the positive memories are much more plasant to live with and build on than the neg's. Do not beat yourself up over your ability to focus on the positives. They are why we all choose to be here! JMHO. Good Luck.

FR


DeafJeff: You continue to crack me up Brother! before the feces hit the oscillator That alone had to make LH laugh!!!

((DJ))

“””The way you started out on this one makes me think you must be up to something. Haven't figured out what, but you're up to something.”””

Me? Up to something…… Why would you think that? But really I’m not. I am hoping that some people going through their struggles will take the time to compare their perception of the marriage to the reality of the life they’ve been leading. Had I taken the time to do that when I was struggling my divorce and recovery would have been a lot smoother.

((xPB))

This really wasn’t intended for us who have been there and done that. Like you I don’t miss my X at all. But for a while I struggled with that only to realize what I missed in the beginning was the illusion of a person who wasn’t there.

((FR))

“””I think it's important to realize that nobody has a "perfect" M!”””

I think it’s even more important to realize that some marriage can not be saved.

”””If you catch it; use the resources available on here and MB site and make your M better!”””

I’m not trying to catch anything.

“””If your M is over, the positive memories are much more pleasant to live with and build on than the neg's.”””

But that’s not dealing in reality and can lead someone to make all the same mistakes again.

“””Do not beat yourself up over your ability to focus on the positives.”””

I’m not. There must have been something misleading in my post. From someone who’s been to the mountain top and seen the other side I’m simply sharing my feelings from my journey and challenging people to look at the reality of their marriage and not get blinded by the perception of the person they desire.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>((xPB))

This really wasn’t intended for us who have been there and done that. Like you I don’t miss my X at all. But for a while I struggled with that only to realize what I missed in the beginning was the illusion of a person who wasn’t there.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, yeah, I figured that. Some here are BS's who want life back to where it was before they found out about the affair... and yes there are a fair share of folks with rose colored glasses firmly in place.

Maybe it would help them to understand that their foggy WS might see things the way I do ... justifying that there never were any good times does help to get over someone you've left behind, especially if you hurt them. Flip side of the coin thing.

LH,
I didn't mean something bad necesarily. Just up to something. It could be good. I know you have that quality in there somewhere.

FR,
If I said it the way I think it I would probably get kicked off of here.

LH, all I can say is yes, yes, yes...
You couldn't have put it better had you taken the words straight out of my brain.
I did the exact same thing.

LH-

Me too, I totally agree. What you described is exactly what I did as well. As I think back to when my XH left me and the A and everything were revealed I put on rose colored glasses of the thickest kind. Thank God for not letting my XH back down and come back to me. YIKES! I think only with time and experience do our own fogs disappear and the reality of what our marriages had been can be seen clearly.

Take care and God bless!
K

LH,

I've asked a similar question here and the best reply I got was that we are in the BS Fog.

We look at all the good things for so long and then start to see all that was realy wrong.

I always thought that it was "meant to be" looking back now, I see that there was so much missing.

It took me just about a year to see what you are saying. At first, I only thought of all the good things we had. I still do, but now I also think of all that could have been better.

Coming out of the BS FOG does make things much easier.

WIWH

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

LH,

I agree with you, too. It's something I am struggling with still (especially the last couple days as I've been blue and 'bummin' again about the finality of things).

Somewhere down deep, if I think real hard, I can remember a number of times where I'd had it up to my eyeballs with his drinking, his constant coming home hours after work ended (even when not drinking), his cursing at the kids when things were messy, or his pointing out every chesty babe to me that he saw on the street or on TV (like I I already know I'm not one of them, okay! Don't need his help figuring it out!), etc, etc., blah, blah, blah... And I even remember several times thinking "I have to put up with this. I can't leave him. I don't have a justified reason to D. He's not being unfaithful."

Yet, that all has seemed really insignificant and tiny and I can barely remember it, until he sends me an ugly text message or calls me in a drunken stuper and starts threatening my finances or making a general donkey's behind out of himself.

Noooo. Instead I remember this cute little dance he used to do. We called it ballerining. Or the way he knew how to smile and bat his long eyelashes just right. Or our vacations (and even those were usually stressful and cranky by their end, though I always dreamed we'd actually make it all the way thru one and not blow up at each other).

Since he's gone, my house is now quite peaceful. There is no cursing. My daughter, while still a major behavior problem, is getting along much better with me. She also told me I'm doing so much better with my anger. My son, who is in college, has told me he feels we're better off w/o his dad.

And I took a wonderful vacation to Florida this summer with just my two kids and my son's girlfriend, and we spent 8 days together, and for the most part got along very well. We kept things light, and even survived a 6 hour flight delay in St. Louis while remaining relatively cheerful. Had my STBXH been along, he would have been beet-red, pacing the floors, and uttering obscenities.

So, LH, I do wonder why I have so much difficulty letting go of this "dream" of what I want to have. It's not what I had.

I still care deeply for him and probably always will. But that wasn't enough keep him from leaving me for OW.

LL

LH,

I think you said it very elquently! I think it was excellent, and maybe should be posted on other boards as well.

My STBX seems to have forgotten that for years, he'd fall asleep on the couch at least 2 nights a week and not come to bed. He seems to forget that he stopped wanting sex with me to such a point, that I know for a fact the date my second daughter was conceived upon. He seems to forget that he was so miserable for so long.

In part he forgets that because I did an awesome Plan A for two years. But even so, our marriage was miserable.

A key difference between people here and my STBX is that people here are willing to change. So far, I don't see any changes in my h.

But still, we are just far too different to be happy together with any facility.

LH, I've posted twice and somehow lost the post. Let's just say, well said! I agree with you. I also like the name WIWH gave to this condition: BS Fog. Exactly!

When you've tried really hard to save your marriage (as many of us have and as I personally did), based on all the supposed positives, I think it's that much harder to let go when it becomes obvious that it isn't working. Change is hard under the best of circumstances.

On the other hand, if we'd all ended up on the Recovery board instead of this one, accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative would be required to recover our marriages. As it is, we need to accept the negative in order to recover ourselves.

I'm with XPB here. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hmmm. I have the opposite affliction. I can remember no good times at all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't recall any good times. I think I was in such deep denial during the M that my rose colored glasses have really come off.

Gosh... You said it so well, LostHusband. Everything in my marriage fell apart only a month ago, but as soon as the drama started, I instantly forgot all the frustration, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. of our four years together and instead could only recall how we never fought (not necessarily a good sign that a marriage won't fail, I've comed to learn), how wonderful it was to be with him, how I felt so happy when he proposed (under the most amazing stary sky I've ever seen at Pigeon Point Lighthouse a few miles out of Santa Cruz, CA... It was absolutely breathtaking and wonderful), our wedding with all of our happy friends and family... Everything good, but not the reality of the situation.

When I finally decided to call an attorney yesterday, I did it because I can't take the anguish of being in a relationship where one half doesn't have faith that the marriage would succeed and flourish if given half a chance. We've only been married a year, after all. But the thing that LetSTry said about accepting the negative as a means of healing and moving on is *exactly* the way I feel. If STBX wanted to work on our marriage, maybe I would feel differently. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to, so I have to do what's best for me in this situation. And that, unfortunately, is divorce.

Past experience with heartbreak tells me that I'll find love again, even if I thought the odds were stacked against me. My divorce attorney told me that in a way, I'm lucky... Most marriages don't end until long after the couple is so wrapped up in each others' lives that it's incredably painful and difficult to extricate themselves. By being young (I'm 26) I still have a huge chunk of my life ahead of me, by realizing early on that it's futile to fight for a marriage that the other spouse doesn't want, he said I'm lightyears ahead of the majority of people he represents. Doesn't really make me feel any better... But I suppose he's got a point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Great post, LH! (Why can't you be 43 instead of 33! Smile.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong> And like so many of you fine folks; I fought tooth and nail trying not to loose a relationship that in reality never should have been found.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway...the above statement really hit me. I have wondered about this many, many times since my x-H left. I think (looking back with great 20/20 hindsight) that I didn't make the best choice in a husband. That bothers me sometimes, but at the time, I thought it was right.

Since then, I have choosen for my own sanity, to leave that decision in the past, and not try to re-define it in light of all that's happened. It happened, I spent 13 years with him, he wasn't a bad person, just made bad choices. Do I wish I could do it over? Yes, honestly I do. But I don't live with regrets.

Knowing all that has helped me to realize that I can make better choices...for my future. And that I'm worth the better choices. And that I can hold out for a better dream.

And that with the help of this and other websites, friends, books, etc. I have learned ALOT and have begun to put what I've learned into practice, as best I can while not in a relationship.

Thanks for putting your thots down so clearly.