This week, I found out where my H's new apartment was located - about 15 miles from where our old apartment (now mine) is located. I had thought he had been looking in the same area that we had been living in - and when he told me where he was living, I felt such a sinking feeling.

I'm not sure why I reacted that way - I have just supposed that it was the finality of everything. But it really jolted me into thinking about how we are approaching "recovery" from divorce in two totally different ways....

He has found a new "best friend" - his EA partner. He has bussied himself playing in miniature poker tournaments around town. He moved away, to another city, another apartment. He has all new stores, malls, restaurants, etc to visit. He is buying a new living room suit, and has taken very little from our apartment.

When I saw him the other day, as he briefly came back to collect some toiletries, he seemed not to be grieving at all. I know he cares, because he is being very accomodating about everything - he has made it clear that the M is over, but it appears there is no anger, sadness....just relief for him.

Me on the other hand, I still love him very much. I know well enough at this point that the way I want to love him is not the way he wants to love me, and I am working in the acceptance of that.

But for whatever reason, I felt drawn toward a different path of recovery. I chose to stay in the apartment (it is a beautiful apartment, and a good value), but have to sit on the couch we once shared, sleep in the room that was once ours, brush my teeth next to the same sink he used. I go to the same malls, stores, gas stations, etc that we once went to together. At certain times, everything reminds me of him.

I have bussied my time with counseling, and will be joining a divorce support group. I am spending my time with other girlfriends, and purposely not emotionally or physically attaching myself to any other men until this grieving process is over. I am trying to seek natural hobbies such as reading, baking, etc.

I rationalize that the apartment is a good deal, and I really do love the complex. I have always loved where we lived. I keep trying to tell myself that if I recover the couch/furniture, decorate differently, and give it time, that it will no longer be "ours" but rather "mine."

My question is.....am I fooling myself? Am I making this harder on myself by thinking I need to move "through" it rather than run away?

I am so worried that I will not "fix" or "heal" myself correctly.....any thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> My question is.....am I fooling myself? Am I making this harder on myself by thinking I need to move "through" it rather than run away?

I am so worried that I will not "fix" or "heal" myself correctly.....any thoughts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are not fooling yourself. And yes, it will be hard to move "though" it. It ALWAYS appears easier to run away....but in reality, it will come back to bite you.

Just the fact that you are asking the questions and that you are aware that you need healing, makes me think that you WILL move thru it "correctly." It's the people who breeze thru it in 3 months that I worry about!

My x-H left 5 years ago and I'm over it, but I've just recently dealt with something that just came to light (an awareness of how I hurt him). I don't mean to scare you, but it does take time. But the main thing about that time is that if you allow yourself time to grieve, time to learn new insights, time to review your part in the trouble of the marriage, then you will be USING that time to heal, not just letting it pass.

Time doesn't heal anymore than running away does. It's the use of that time that will make all the difference in the world. Don't try to rush thing. When you think you are ready to try something new or different, do it. If you weren't ready for the change, back off. Or live with it. Let the lessons unfold. Think of the next few years in your life as traveling a new river. It's gonna be cold, wet, hard, easy, flowing, fun, dangerous, scarry, adventurous. It's all those things. It's uncharted territory...for you. You're not going to want to get in the boat many days. That's okay.

Let me say that again: That's okay. Get in the boat the next day. Give yourself a break. And don't let anyone else tell you that you "SHOULD" be doing this and that. No one...no one has had YOUR experience.

But keep asking the questions. Draw close to God and allow Him to teach you the lessons you need to learn. Listen to your gut. Reward yourself when you KNOW you've learned something....those days will come. Be proud of yourself.

I could go on and on....but I won't. Keep coming to this website and asking and reading. It helps alot.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Thanks, Ms. O.

I suppose I have just been riding the roller coaster of emotions lately. I try to remember that things will go up and down for a while. And I try to remember to take it day by day, and focus on making "today" the best day I can.

Of course, some days are harder than others. Friday was a particularly tough day. Everywhere I went, I thought about H. Gas station, bank, grocery store, mall.....just couldn't get it out of my mind. So I just decided to accept it, go home, and ride the sadness out. Yesterday was a better day, and I got to work on some projects for myself.

I realized this weekend that I think the reason why H is having an easier time than I am is because he also currently has an EA OW. He told me this weekend that sometimes he thinks they are just friends - but other times, he thinks they are more than that. I realize now that when he writes that he loves me, or misses me - that he is just in those times when he thinks they will not have "more."

As for me, after my A, I have made it a point not to form any emotional attachments or friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. My experience has taught me that I need to work on myself, and keep my focus there. I just can't see any good in getting emotionally (or physically) attached to any man right now. And I don't want to have this same situation happen in the future, so I might as well make sure I do it right this time.

Ms. O - your words are very wise, and I really appreciate your response. It helped me to have a little more confidence in my decision to stay where I am and try to keep moving. Thank you

L.I.T.

It sounds to me as if you have a fairly good grasp on reality and a fairly good gauge on how well you are healing on any given day. As Ms. O. said, it does take time. However, I would like to remind you of something. You stbx may APPEAR to be doing better ("appear" is the operative word) because rather than face himself and his issues, he is running away from them. Thus, the outer appearance that he is trying to project to people is "happy" and "in love." That does not mean he actually IS happy nor that his feelings for the OP are legitimate or long-lasting. He is avoiding his own issues, turning to someone else to "make" him happy rather than finding it within--these are dangerous traits at best, and certainly not good precursors of actual, true happiness.

On the other hand (OTOH), you are facing yourself, dealing with your issues, accepting your grief, and embracing the life lessons you need to learn. You are working on becoming a better person and finding inner serenity. It DOES take time and is not instantaneous, but you will find happiness from within yourself (rather than putting that burden on someone else to "make" you happy), and you will be mentally and emotionally healthy. Lady, that sounds like LONG-TERM happiness to me.

Does that make sense??

Now, my suggestions for you. When I divorced, for about a year I was still in the marital home. Like you, for a while I kept it like "we" had it--same decorations, same basic arrangement, etc. Eventually, for settlement reasons, I did move, but I kept a lot of the furniture etc. and kept it "the same" for a while. Then one day it dawned on me. This is MY home now. This is MY furniture IF I WANT TO KEEP IT. Our furniture was mostly tans and beiges because my ex is that way--but I AM NOT. I am a colorful, lively person who was beginning to reclaim her colorfulness and liveliness! So I did some rearranging and decorating THE WAY I LIKE.

I suggest that you consider doing this yourself. Not that you need to get rid of the furniture or perfectly good appliances...but put on some new pillows that YOU like that you know he probably wouldn't (I got som forest green pillows with crocheted lace on them!). Put up new, lacy curtains or sheers. Add a little red if you're bold! Rearrange. Make the room express who YOU are and don't be afraid to be a little crazy and have fun. I think it will help you in your moving on process if you start to claim the apartment as your own and let it express who L.I.T. is--plus I think it might be a moment of fun for you to decorate. Let yourself enjoy it.


CJ

FaithfulNewCJ,

Thank you.....As Ms.O said to me, all this is new, and a lot of it is unknown territory for me. I keep fearing that I won't do this the right way, and I do want to make sure that I heal correctly, and do what I can to make any future relationships better.

I admit that sometimes I feel envy for my stbxH - that he doesn't seem to feel the hurt of certain objects around the house. That he has another person to "lean on" during this time. That he doesn't constantly have to be reminded of all these memories.

But then I remember that I am at least dealing with them now. And I am reclaiming things for myself. Almost simultaneously as I am feeling sadness for a particular object or place, I am also establishing a new memory (all mine) to take place of the old ones. I do not hate stbxH at all....in fact, I want to look back on this M as an experience - one which taught me some great lessons in life. I do not want to look back on it with bitterness or anger.

I appreciate your reminding me that this can have some 'fun' sides as well - rediscovering and fine tuning myself. Being able to freely express myself. Letting my hair down, so to speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This Christmas, I plan to have the living room couch and chair recovered - that will change the living room. The bedroom furniture, he took, so I have new items in there. And it's funny, but the kitchen I don't mind staying the same because I felt it was mostly my place anyway.....I am looking forward to putting up my own pictures - to making what I want for dinner - to listening to music and dancing around the house in my underwear, if it suits me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . Just time to enjoy life and enjoy myself.

Thank you for your encouragement.